Welcome to my page, stay awhile

Jo; Lesbian; 23; I like to write but I'm not very good

[lesbianwriterwannabe]

Dear 2020

You were a shitty year, but at this point everyone and their mother knows that. 

You stole a lot from a lot of people. 

Lives were lost to a pandemic, lives were forever changed 

Teachers had to overcome so much shit

Children were taken out of schools in March 

And no one knew when it would be safe for them to return 

Even now it’s not 

But people are forcing this world to go back to ‘normal’ even though it’s not ready 

I was one of those teachers who had to make the choice to stay home

My mom has a ton of health issues

It’s not safe for me to work 

I left work on Friday, March 13th, I said bye to my coworkers, I said bye to my kids. 

And didn’t return. 

I missed so many moments in my kids’ lives. 

So many missed opportunities. 

I missed so many months with my kids’; new and old.

I will be, forever, angry about that. 

The world went into despair. 

People fought of cleaning supplies, toilet paper. 

It was an insane year.

Wild fires, Kobe Bryant and Gigi, A worldwide pandemic,  so much more. 

My brother almost killed himself, that was a horrible moment among the shit. 

However, there has been some good to come out of you, 2020.

I finally finished my GED, and I’m now enrolled in College 

I start January 11th. 

I am slowly getting more friends from online 

I realized the importance of life, love and happiness. 

So while you were a shit year. 

I have grown from it. 

I have learned so much.

So in a way 

I am thankful for this past year 

No matter how hard it is. 

No matter how hard life got

I am thankful 

Without the pandemic

It would’ve taken me so much longer to get my ged 

To be enrolled in college 

I wouldn’t be where I am today. 

[lesbianwriterwannabe]

When you were born 

My little Fairy 

I knew right then

How special you would be to me

I didn’t know how long we had 

I didn’t know then

That I would love you for eternity 

You were in my life for 393 days 

1 year and 28 days 

You were taken away 

You haven’t been in my life 

Nor me in yours for 

990 days 

For 32 months 

That is 1, 424, 241 seconds 

That we have been apart 

My little Fairy 

My love for you hasn’t changed 

Since then

My love for you beats on forever 

There is nothing in this world that could take that away 

No amount of distance 

No matter how many people keep us apart physically 

My soul is matched with yours forever 

Your soul made mine become alive 

That March 

It is slowly relearning how to survive without you again 

Despite not wanting to 

It longs for you so much 

We understand each other 

You have been in this world before 

I can tell just by how you acted 

So wise behind your baby blue eyes 

My Fairy, 

You will be a force to be reckon with 

When you are grown 

I pray I get to see that happen

Even if I don’t 

Know that I will love you forever 

No one can change that. 

[metamorphesque]

if you're sitting now cuddled up in your blanket, hair tangled and make up half faded, nails chipped and eyeliner smudged, if you're re-reading your book, and as you get to your favorite line you're going over it over and over again, repeating it out loud with eyes closed to let the words sink in ... just know that you've never looked more beautiful in my eyes and that I'm falling for you

[lesbianwriterwannabe]

Sometimes, I wish 

That my mom could see how 

Lonely, she makes me

How much she makes me 

Hate myself 

Because I go against her wishes 

She says, She says

That I can do what I want

That I can do what makes me happy

But I can’t 

Because she will send out a group text 

To my brothers, stepfather and I 

The most passive aggressive thing 

I know, I know 

She has a lot of stress 

I know, I know

I do too

Her stress is valid 

Mine is not 

She is older, she is wiser 

That makes her RIGHT! 

I am younger, I am her daughter 

That makes me WRONG! 

How dare I? How dare I? 

Defy her 

It simply isn’t done 

But mom, 

Can’t you see how hopeless you make me?

Can’t you see how much you upset me?

Can’t you see that I try? 

So fucking hard, every day 

To not defy you 

Or are my feelings not valid 

Like you have said 

In not so many words 

You tell me 

“LIfe isn’t all about you!” 

But how is it all about you?

Mom! 

Can’t you see! 

I love you 

But you seem to hate me

Why?

Why do you hate me? 

Is it because I remind you of my father?

The one who you remind me cheated on you 

So many years ago 

Is it because I make the same faces? 

Why do you hate me 

Just because you hate him?

Mom 

Please 

I try so hard 

But it is never enough. 

[lesbianwriterwannabe]

Two different poems (?)

“Just wanna scream from the roof tops 

How much I miss you 

How much you mean to me 

How much losing you has changed me 

If only I could see you again 

I’d hold you tighter 

Than I ever have before 

These past 2.5 years without you 

Have been complete and utter hell 

Come visit me in my dreams” 

“Grief is the worst thing ever 

But I’d rather have it than to have never loved her at all

This grief reminds me that she was with me for a short time.” 

[vocative]

homemade london fog + dead wake by erik larson. enjoying my last week before law school starts since i won’t have as much free time for reading

[lesbianwriterwannabe]

“I am in the mood to dissolve into the sky” -Virginia Woolf

So, I am sick

I went to the doctor again today

I do not feel better

I am on antibiotics

And still got an ear infection 

My anxiety is through the fucking roof

I took a nap today

I was convinced that I would not wake 

It’s a scary feeling

To be so sure 

That for some unknown reason 

I wouldn’t wake 

I know it is my anxiety 

I just have strep throat 

Or a cold 

I was pretty much told by a doctor today 

That I was being a baby 

Over a sore throat 

So he gave me another shot 

And sent some medicine that I cannot 

Get filled until TUESDAY 

It’s all fine

I’ll get stay in my room

With my mental health getting worse 

Because I can’t pin point whats wrong with me 

All I know is I am not ready to leave this world 

So I may not sleep ever again. 

[lesbianwriterwannabe]

Here I am

2 weeks into work 

I wear a mask 

I do take it off for eating and drinking

I do not *HAVE* to wear a mask 

My job doesn’t require them

But for my health 

I will

I still got sick due to taking off my mask

I do not have COVID-19

Just strep 

I am realizing how easy it is to get sick

But I must work 

I cannot pay my bills otherwise 

I love my job  I love my kids

I like my co-workers

I just wish I didn’t get sick.

[lesbianwriterwannabe]

I found an old journal from 2017, I was 20. 

Irma had just hit Georgia and we were without power. 

So I decided to write letters to my future wife. 

This is the first letter I wrote;

“My Love, I can’t wait until I can say “My girlfriend” 

I can’t wait to say “my fiance” 

I can’t wait to say “I do” 

I can’t wait to say “My wife” 

I can’t wait to hear our kids say “Mama and Mommy” 

I can’t wait until I find you.”  

[reblog-thisif]

Reblog this if its okay for your followers to introduce themselves to you.

[jamausis]

Just come to my ask box and tell me stuff about yourself. Your pets. Your favorite music. What you had for breakfast this morning. Literally anything you want, I love making new friends

[taylorswiftville]

I MADE ACTUAL FRIENDS DOING THIS BEFORE

[lastbenchpapers]

Um hello PLEASE @ my followers PLEAse introduce urself to me i want to be BEST friends ok? Thanks :)

[lesbianwriterwannabe]

So life has been pretty shitty the past few days. 

My mom is currently mad at me 

I have decided to go back to work 

I am going to self isolate as much as I can 

I have a microwave in my room 

I have food 

I have water 

I don’t have a bathroom 

However I plan on arming myself with disinfected wipes 

She is still mad 

I have no money 

I cannot pay my bills 

She knew this going into self isolation back in March 

On top of this 

My baby brother kind of overdosed on friday morning 

He had taken pills and drank a lot

That was a godawful moment 

To hear that he stopped breathing 

That he had no pulse 

I had just been with him

But he was hysterical 

And needed to be with his one friend

So I took him there 

She was watching him breathe 

Checking his pulse and so forth 

I wish I had been there 

For my brother 

He, thankfully, decided later that day 

To go get help 

He is now currently in a mental hospital 

Getting the help he needs 

It has been a rough couple of days

Of high anxiety 

For my whole family 

I broke down several times 

Because my little brother means a lot to me

We are super close in age 

and have never been without each other

The thought of losing him was too much 

Is too much 

If I lose him 

I will lose myself 

In a sense 

I won’t know how to do life 

If he isn’t here.

[lesbianwriterwannabe]

“A self that goes on changing is a self that goes on living.”  -Virginia Woolf

So tomorrow I have two more GED tests. 

I am trying to change myself 

My life 

For the better 

But it seems like no one wants to me 

I have had three different meltdowns 

As I call them 

In a day 

One right on top of each other 

It is stressful 

I know it is my anxiety 

I know it is my PTSD 

but I cannot deal with them 

I hate having them 

Oh, how I hate it. 

I hope that my PTSD doesn’t act up tonight 

In my dreams

I pray they don’t change into nightmares 

Like the last time I took some tests 

I don’t want to wake up 

In a sweat 

Because my PTSD acted up. 

It is so stressful.

I hope I get a good night sleep. 

[lesbianwriterwannabe]

So I am not going away to college this year 

At all 

I feel like nothing is worth it anymore 

I just really wanted to get out of this fucking state 

out of this house 

To a live that might be worth living 

Where I can be gay and not be scared of my co-workers 

finding out 

Why? WHY?!  

I know my life is better than others 

But I can’t help it

I am jealous of people who were able to follow their dreams

Before the age of fucking 23 

I feel like a complete failure 

For not standing up to my mom 

When I was younger 

For not putting my foot down 

Saying I didn’t want to be ‘homeschooled’ 

Anymore 

My younger self fucked up my life 

[lesbianwriterwannabe]

Being 23 and having to sleep with a nightlight is embarrassing. 

I feel like girls (women) will think I am strange for it 

I am scared to bring it up to them.

I am already awkward 

I don’t need severe anxiety and Post traumatic stress disorder to help me fuck it up. 

Maybe I am overthinking it 

Maybe I am being crazy 

Maybe having a nightlight isn’t so weird 

It’s not like I’m scared of the dark 

I’m not 

I am scared of having nightmares that won’t let up when I sleep 

I am scared of the realistic nightmares that leave me unable to fall back to sleep at night 

So I guess I am scared of the dark as it brings on the nightmares... 

Does this make me weird?    

Maybe 

[lesbianwriterwannabe]

“It is exhausting to view the entire world as a potential threat”

Having PTSD fucking sucks.  Today was a day that was high stress.  I FINALLY tested for my GED, which I have been studying for for 3 years (Because I kept giving up).  

I had made GOOD pretest scores, like I mean amazing scores.   I was proud of myself.  Last night, I made sure I went to sleep early since my tests were this morning at 9, and lasted four hours.    However, I woke up at 2am for literally no reason.    I fell back asleep and only got two more hours of sleep.

But during that time, I had a severe PTSD nightmare.  The kind you can’t wake yourself up from until it is already over, the kind that when you do finally manage to force yourself awake, you are already in panic mode.   When I woke up, I was crying, my throat hurt, and I was violently kicking my legs.   I guess I had done that throughout the entire nightmare trying to get myself awake.   

I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t go back.  I didn’t have to be awake for another 3 hours, but I was too scared, I didn’t want the same dream to happen again.  So, I stayed awake.   

I made SHIT scores on my tests, I passed.  Everyone is happy that I passed but I am beating myself up.  I KNOW I could’ve done better, I have done better.    So having PTSD sucks,   I hate it so much.     I wish it would go the fuck away.  

[lesbianwriterwannabe]

Day 1 of Week 4 of Self Distancing 

I woke up and made breakfast 

I made dinner in the crockpot 

All before 10am 

I laid around for 2 hours before getting my ass in gear 

I made lunch

I made my bed

I did school for 1.5 hours 

I made cookies

Continued dinner

Cleaned the kitchen

Vacuumed, swept and mopped the entire house

I took a nap

I made homemade biscuits 

I watched some tv and did some laundry 

I just finished yoga

Today has been a very busy

Yet productive day

I am proud of myself for getting all this done in one day

This is such a big step for me

[lesbianwriterwannabe]

Today, my sweet girl

I miss you 

Again

It’s been 2 years since I held your little body

In the damn court room

Before having to hand you back to your biological parents

I remember the weight of you

In my arms

How I stared at you 

Never wanting to give you back

Your bright blue eyes

Your soft baby skin 

Your soft red hair 

In Pigtails 

The way you placed your little arms around me

And melted into my side

You were back 

At your safe place

I always made you feel safe

Cared for and protected 

You refused to go to anyone else 

You didn’t want your bio mom or dad 

You didn’t want your foster mom

You wanted to stay in my arms 

Trust me, my girl 

I would’ve held you forever 

If I could 

No one understand my love for you 

Everyone thinks I’m mental

But my love for you is eternal 

It’s forever 

They think that because you are only my cousin 

that I can’t love you like a parent 

But blood isn’t the only thing that makes a family 

It is love and the caring for you 

If I didn’t have this love for you 

My life would feel hopeless 

This love of mine for you 

Is the thing that keeps me going

You don’t remember me 

But I will forever and always 

Remember you

My angel

As you changed my life 

In that one year 

Than anyone else has in my 23 years of life

I would gladly go back to the sleepless nights

The long days 

My back hurting because you want to be held all day 

The rocking you to sleep for every nap and bedtime

The walking the floor because you are teething

I would go back to it all

So I will miss you forever 

I will love you for always 

As long as I’m living

My baby, you’ll be.