Not a good person but it is what it is
I'm not a good person. Not a bad person but also just not a good one.
Talked to my therapist today and told her about how my uncle put my grandma in a dirty and poorly run assisted living home. He then sold her home out from under her and left her to die. She died of neglect induced pneumonia at the home within six months of his actions. For this, I told my therapist I am going to find a way to ruin his marriage. I do feel this to be justified. But, yea. While my uncle sucks, I am not really any better for coming for him.
It takes a lot to get me that mad, though. My uncle fucking deserves every ounce of hate and misery I can bring to him. External to him making his adoring mom's final months awful while he and his wife mocked her, in his younger years he inflicted racist violence against people of color. His brother told me a few awful stories. American X level bullshit. I'm looking at it this way - I am going to go one step further than punching a nazi. I am going to destroy his marriage and, with a little luck, his retirement funds. So, yea. I am not a good person.
I have a fuck around find out policy. BUT - you have to be a real piece of shit to end up on my list. You have to beat women and children and be in my direct line of sight. That's now, though. In my younger years it was basically, don't fuck with my family. And it still is, to an extent. I don't like my mother as much as I did in my younger years because I realize all the abuse I lived with was through her. And my lil' bro is a hot mess. If he gets into trouble I'd have to think real hard before getting involved today. But in my previous younger years, when someone fucked with mom or bro - that was it.
One example, a drug selling friend of my mothers robbed her. That pissed me off. I told every one of the drug dealer's neighbors that they were, in fact, drug dealers. And they lost their home and got divorced. I facilitated that.
Today, I don't feel great about it because I now know what a piece of shit my mom is. I did that two decades ago when I believed in my mother. We obviously never know the full story to anything, really ever - but knowing that means less to you when you're early in your 20s/late teens. I also don't regret what I did because the woman was a real piece of shit, too. But if I had known how much I know now about what a real piece of shit my own mother is I think I would've ignored the whole issue, and realized that's what you get when you are messing with drug users/dealers. Anyway.
There was another time I made a house of bullies vanish. I was in my teens and they were fucking with my little brother and mom, constantly. Keying mom's car and chasing him around and trying to beat him up when he was 8-years-old. At first I physically confronted and scared the shit out of his bullies. After that, they stayed the fuck outta my way and outta sight. But when they kept keying our cars at night - I decided I'd had enough and told child services that the kid's parents were selling meth. I mean, they were - so no lie there. But, I came for them too and the whole house found a new set residents with a quickness.
So no. I am not wholesome. I can be ruthless. I have some rules. Don't fuck with my family. Don't harm innocents I personally know. And - if I do come for someone, they won't know what is happening or where its coming from. I don't play. But I also really extremely dislike activating the processing of my shitlist. It's not like I'm out here picking rando lives to ruin. Just the ones that cross me in messy ways.
I told my therapist there's literally two people left on this shit list. My uncle is one and then the man who abused my brother, mother, and I for 20-years is the other. I am coming for my uncle. And, I already warned my mom's ex and he knows to stay the fuck outta my and my family's way. I haven't touched him. I do know he pissed off some other family in the UK, though by also treating them the way he treated us. I know that woman is after him too. So I'm hoping he takes care of himself without my intervention. I hope that when I do actually hear about him again, it'll be something like he tried to abuse and rob someone else, or the UK fam came for him landing his unalive ass under a bridge. But at this point I'm just glad to be free and clear of him.
But yea, I am not the best person I could be. But, I also recognize that I can't be a good person. I came from violence. The fact I am not violent and drug dealing for a living is better than where I came from. I do have baggage though and some of that baggage is tied to some egg shells that I realize I have no choice but to break as I continue my stupid journey through life.
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