trifles.

Most things happening in my life probably wouldn't matter much to most people, they're trifles. But regardless, I like taking it all down. I’m inclined to believe I’m currently going through a combination of depression/anxiety/self-image issues, and I’m just trying to keep myself distracted. I am bored and confused and this is what I go through..

[letmebeanko]

I’m feeling lost. And the only reason I’m writing this here and not on my other sites is because I know no ones here anymore and when I get no responses I can attribute it to that, instead of apathy.

I can’t be at my job anymore. I’m looking and looking for alternatives, but nothing I’m “qualified for” interests me, and what does interest me, I don’t get calls. It doesn’t just feel like I need career advice, I feel lost and lacking in life.

I’ve reached out to people for help and guidance and I’ve just gotten suggestions on where to apply, and to keep trying. While I get this is not an easily addressed topic, that’s not what I need. It tells me you think I haven’t tried everything I can. That me feeling hopeless is my fault. And it hurts hearing it from every mentor I’ve had, and every person I’ve reached out to.

My bf says he understands, but even he can’t help all the time. I’ve started to feel bad that he feels bad because he can’t help.

My parents don’t help at all. They have the mentality of staying in bad situations because you need to. They don’t understand how miserable I’ve been. And they refuse to listen. Because responsibility. Friends say they understand. And all they can say is “I’m sorry, it’ll get better.” Or “yea, it’s not worth it, but what else will you do?”

So here I am, crying online to the abyss. I don’t know what to do. I need to find a better situation. But I have responsibilities. But sometimes even the thought of that doesn’t help me get up in the morning.

It sucks when you don’t have that power. You want to change your life for the better, but you can’t. Because no one will give you a chance. I don’t need pity. I just, I guess I don’t know what I need anymore. I’ve tried to change anything and everything to make it better. But now, I don’t just feel lost, I feel hopeless.

[letmebeanko]

Holy diamond-in-the-rough. Aladdin is on TV! #nostalgia #robinwilliams #caveofwonders

[letmebeanko]

This article hit close to home for me. High school was full of harassment. I've been bullied all my life, including by family. In relation to this article though, it was aunts and uncles. "Go kiss your uncle!" "Dance for your uncle!" I even remember every time they made me let them "pinch me in my private areas" because that was part of playing with kids. It may be a culture difference from the slums of the Philippines, but it still felt wrong. And I still felt violated. Every time. I'd hide behind couches, behind doors, behind anything just so I can avoid those uncles. My parents taught me not to fight back, in general, because if I do, I could be more hurt than if I just submit. Don't speak up. Don't wear that. You'll get raped. High school: guys grabbing me, abusive boyfriends, stalkers. I've dealt with it all. I cringe when I think back on it. What sucks about it all was that I was alone. My so-called friends taught me that stuff is just part of everything. That I should even look forward to it. I didn't have a good support system. My parents loved me. But they didn't know how to properly raise a girl. They did awesome raising my brother. Boys they can handle. Don't hurt girls. Don't rape girls. No means no. Defend yourself against bullies. Why the double standard for me? Why not: don't let anyone hurt you. Don't do nothing, fight back. They were very hands-off parents. Which makes me sad, honestly, because I could have learned differently from them versus from friends, media, or just on my own. For the longest time, I didn't know my own anatomy. I didn't know how sex worked or how babies were made. What if I got raped when I was too young to have Sex Ed and that's how I found out how shit worked? That's horrifying that it does happen. I'm starting to tear thinking back on my harassing experiences in high school, so I'm gonna stop here. I wish I had a better support system. I wish I was taught early on that letting people do this to me is wrong. I wish I knew mental abuse was a thing. But I didn't.

[letmebeanko]

Manager Life

Kids are funny these days. And by kids I mean teenagers. And by funny I mean in the way you wanna smack 'em, but you know you can't, so you get more annoyed. Passive-aggressive behavior is not professional. Also, if you passive-aggressively text a mini-tantrum to your boss, AKA me, during your probation period... Do really expect to get your way? I hope not. Coz then you're stupider than you act.

[letmebeanko]

YAY SAMBAZON!!!! I've been missing Acai 😍😍😍 #sharesambazon #yerbaupvegas #originlove (at Origin Climbing And Fitness)

[letmebeanko]

They like to nap on me sometimes... And then other times we make a fort for them to chill in. 😁🐶🐺🎪 #phifebottomshenanigans #hairybaby #puppylove

[letmebeanko]

I'm just insanely happy right now. And I don't think it's the Yerba Mate talking <3 @organicclimbing #organicclimbing #yerbaupvegas (at Origin Climbing And Fitness)

[letmebeanko]

Buyers remorse

I'm almost known for this. Especially with big purchases. Sigh**

[letmebeanko]

Pescetarian

For the past few months, I've been following a Pescetarian diet. My reasons were more moral-related, but health-related as well. I've been feeling hypocritical lately. I feel strongly about animals. It angers me hearing about animals be abused. Poached. Enduring cruelty just for wool, ivory, or meat. I've read and researched for years about how animals are mass produced for their meat and of the horrible conditions and treatment they endure. It's almost as if my brain had been working it all out in head for years and it finally came to the surface in February. I had co-workers who've been vegetarian for 7+ years. They gave me an insight on their meal prep. It was different for them though. They had both decided to go veggie at a young age, and had learned how to cook when they were already on said diet. They also decided to go vegetarian because the thought of "eating flesh" was disgusting to them. I figured it'd be harder to do now that I'm older and have had a different mindset, a different pallet, a different culture than that. I don't know any vegetarian Filipino. All Filipino food I know of has some sort of meat in it. I don't find eating flesh disgusting. That's not why I decided to do this. I decided to step away from meat because of the cruelty. I couldn't justify myself eating meat, knowing where it came from. That's also why I've decided information is key. I've allowed myself to eat fish as long as they are not over-harvested. That's why eating alternatives like ostrich seemed fine because ostrich is not a mainstream source of meat, and therefore cannot possibly be mass-produced. I've also now found a meat substitute that genuinely tastes like the real thing and is readily available in my local supermarket. Some people don't understand how it works. Ryan's parents still don't understand I can't eat something they put meat in, "Can't you just pick it out?". Nope, sorry. Or if they use chicken broth. That counts too, sorry. It's hard, yea. But it's a choice. I don't impose it on anyone. I don't brag about it. Because that's not why I do it. I'm not gonna lie, I crave meat sometimes. It's hard watching someone eat steak sometimes, yea. But I have alternatives. Food can still be delicious and not have meat. I've discovered even fast food joints have options, which makes things WAY easier. The only times I've caved is to have a taste.. Not a meal. It's early, I try not to beat myself up about it too much. The longer I do it, the easier it will get. I haven't told my folks yet. Or my brother. Or the rest of my family. I don't want my parents to know because they already have a hard time cooking when we visit. I don't want them to limit their diet because of me. It's my choice, and only mine. I'm not here to recruit. Since starting my diet, I've been told my skin looks better. I don't know if I feel different physically. You can still eat unhealthy and be Pescetarian haha Welp, that's me now. End of rant.

[letmebeanko]

Office Hours

Hot damn, it feels good to get so much done today!! Finally, I get a full day of doing office hours! I wish I could be this productive all the time =)

[letmebeanko]

FULL DOUBLE RAINBOWS!! #lucky #doublerainbow #nofilter

[letmebeanko]

All is right with the world 😎😇😍 #s1yerbarun #yerbamate #guayaki #enlightenmint #caffeine #yerbaupvegas (at Origin Climbing And Fitness)

[letmebeanko]

Woah. When people say I look like someone, I usually don't see it. But I do this time. Ladies and Gentlemen.. My doppelgänger! (This is a screen shot from a Buzzfeed video)

[letmebeanko]

First time on Mars! 🚀 Finally got a chance to visit Red Rock, and so glad we did! 😁😁😁 #vegas #redrocks #getoutstayout #sendwithus #organicclimbing #heyflashfoxy #evolv #dayoffwellspent

[letmebeanko]

Let's go ahead and throw it WAYY back to circa 2013. My first time visiting California Academy of Sciences! I loved the frog exhibit! This is Gamakichi and Gamatatsu 🐸😁🐸😁 #tbt #californiaacademyofsciences #sanfrancisco #bayarea #gamachan

[theslaybymic]

This is what Native American fashion looks like without the cultural appropriation

Follow @this-is-life-actually

[letmebeanko]

I remember one time in 1st grade, the teacher told us to decorate our paper dolls we made in clothes that our family/culture would wear. I remember thinking how weird it was. I dressed my doll normally. Some fabric we found around the house.. My mom helped me put it together.

I remember my teacher, my classmates even, looking at my doll saying I did it wrong. They were expecting some sort of cultural appropriation. I didn't know it then, but now I understand. I remember seeing a doll dressed as a Native American, with a headdress and all. I remember dolls dressed in a cowboy hat, or a Chinese dress, or something else extreme. The assignment was to dress your doll in clothes that represented your family and culture.

Why does my family have to fit in with other people's expectations? Why did I have to feel like I failed in representing myself when it was my class that really failed me? I saw myself as normal, as part of society here. Not some aboriginal child back centuries ago. But that's what they expected. And it's sad that they still do.

[99gag]

Every damn time at the salon…. http://99gag.tumblr.com/

[letmebeanko]

Especially when you're in that chair for longer than an hour... You start to wonder if they'll be able to fix it lol