𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒎𝒚 𝒍𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒔 (m.list) | return address | free palestine | recs one & two | currently writing
𝑴𝑨𝑹𝑻𝑰𝑵𝑨 — she/her ; italian ; 25 ; sociology student ; obsessed with tlou like it's the oxygen i breathe ; when i don't write gay fics i'm probably writing gay music ; my reqs are open <3
𝒃𝒆𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒓𝒊𝒕𝒆 𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌 — this is a sapphic blog and I don't wish to traumatise children, so men and minors do not interact. thank you.
wait what happened?? i’m sorry if that’s a bad question to ask, not trying to be rude, just confused and wondering if i missed something
no it’s okay!! not rude at all, you’re okay! <3
just some people seeing a few comments under one of my posts where i was talking to a friend and then jumping into her inbox to ask about me and whether she has my number, saying that she’s lucky.
and of course having your inbox full of people telling you that sort of stuff as if you’re some kind of messenger it’s not nice when you’re your own person. adding to that, i literally talk to anyone and i love doing it and making new friends so i’m like… just talk to me yk? there’s no need for all of that and for making people uncomfortable
guys. i love you and i’m so immensely grateful that you think i seem cool and such, i TRULY am. so fucking much.
just remember that my personal inbox is open, always. i’ve never turned off anons and i probably never will, so you can literally talk about ANYTHING without holding back and i’ve always been so open about making friends, talking to you all, because it’s something i adore doing. but please realize that bringing out me to my friends in their personal space and making that about someone else (in general) is hurtful. it makes something that’s theirs about someone that’s not.
you could literally praise them for their amazing work, how wonderful they are, anything, when it comes to their inbox. so if you wanna talk about me… maybe talk to me?
i literally love save the date sm i can’t wait for u to finish it im seething rn
ahh thank you <3 i truly didn’t expect people to like it so much given it’s mostly me experimenting with smaus but i’m so happy thank you xx i’m gonna post next part in the next days hehe
[general, overall tw. angst. just read with caution but this is also really nothing. written in one sitting, not edited and not proofread. 1.6k ]
''and my head is full of poison and my heart is full of doubt''
One day, eventually, you would meet a girl.
She would be everything that you had ever wished for, yet never spoken about out loud. Maybe you hadn’t even been aware that you had such a type–such a specific type–until the very moment that you laid eyes on her. Maybe it was at that very moment, when your gaze had accidentally found her in a crowded room, that your heart had stuttered and for once in your life, you had realized… oh.
What you wanted actually did exist. She was standing there, several feet away. Quietly existing in the bar.
You would steal glances. You wouldn’t be able to help yourself. With each glance, your intrigue would grow. So would your guilt.
And what a feeling it would end up being–to have your entire world stop on a random weekend, just because of a random girl in a random bar. Auburn hair–yes, auburn, because that specific detail was important to your drunken mind–green eyes that you could imagine yourself studying, and the sort of freckles that you could only daydream about.
Yeah, you could glance at her from across the room, but that was it. You could smile at her maybe once–out of politeness only. Two smiles would be too far, as the shame creeping up within your very being would be unbearable.
There she would be, the literal embodiment of anything you could ever dream of and yearn for, and you wouldn’t do a single thing about it. You could not do a single thing about it, due to the man that was several feet away from you–laughing loudly with friends.
Your boyfriend never favored a night out, always claimed that bars made him feel gross and that the atmosphere was annoying–but he would be doing just fine on that particular night. He would handle every single interaction with ease, and talk and laugh with his friends like he never experienced a single worry in the world. For someone that claimed to hate it… yeah, he would carry himself quite nicely–aside from the fact that he got tunnel vision around his friends, meaning that you would be going on nearly fifteen minutes of sitting alone and sipping a drink and trying to scroll on your phone.
So your gaze would drift. And your mind would wander.
You hated those tiny moments, the ones in which it was impossible to pretend or hide because your heart would pound and your mind would be fully aware. Your mind had been fully aware, and no amount of distraction could ever alter that. You knew what you were. Knew what you felt.
But despite the blaring, overwhelming sense of knowing… you would not mutter a word. Not ever. You had parents that would not be able to bear the weight of you being a disappointment. You had a boyfriend that wanted to propose soon–one that promised your parents that he would take care of you. He had a little sister that looked at you as though you had placed the stars in the sky, and how could you ever disappoint her?
Your life was not your own by any means, due primarily to your own cowardice. You had tried, once, to whisper the truth of what you were. The truth that you had quickly laughed about and waved off, because you couldn’t deal with people watching you out of the corner of their eye whenever there was a scantily clad woman on the screen during a movie scene–as if something about you was suddenly something to be wary of.
But the girl in the bar. Ellie, you had heard. Caught her name by accident, had heard it being said with a laugh by one of her friends. Your mind would latch onto it instantly. Ellie, Ellie, Ellie. You would almost want to whisper it, to test the sound of it being said with affection. To see how it would sound if you were the one laughing her name, instead.
She would glance at you more than your boyfriend did. Quick, polite smiles would be exchanged. Multiple, in fact. You would accidentally run into her on your way to get another drink, and you would bite your inner cheek until you tasted blood because you could not speak to her.
You could not compliment her, or attempt to flirt, or even flutter your lashes in her direction–because, of course, you were spoken for. But you would want to, and that was the ugly truth about it all, really. In your mind, you would talk to her. Let it be something–the same sort of something that haunted your dreams in the worst way, because they would never be a reality.
How gross you would be, wanting to talk to this girl despite having your boyfriend just a few feet away. How horrible you would be, for wishing you were slightly more of a bad person… so that you could flirt anyway, despite everything else. That’s how desperate you were. Desperate to feel something that would be right for once in your life. Desperate to experience what you had quite literally been longing and yearning for as long as you could remember. Skin was skin, sure. And yet, you couldn’t help but feel as though the difference would be so great. Comforting. Right, for the first time in your life.
If only you were slightly more of a worse person. Less fearful, more stupid.
You would not be able to stop noticing her. She would notice you, too.
You would notice how subtly her fingers twitched at her sides–always moving in some capacity, but still careful.
You would carry the image of it home with you. Energized from a night with his friends, your boyfriend would surely be feeling good about being able to go home and have a girlfriend to fuck. His other friends weren’t so lucky, apparently–with new babies and wives that were too tired, or controlling girlfriends that were deemed to be a drag. He would pull you to intimacy–never mind if you were tired, or already asleep, or feeling ill from your drinks. He would touch you like routine, and by that, he would barely touch you at all. He already had you, no need to impress. There would be no hand holding, no whispered praise in the dark.
And you–maybe you were completely and utterly sick and twisted–because you would think about her. Ellie. And those careful, fidgeting hands.
You would be brought to tears at the idea of someone, a girl–her, Ellie–touching you like you mattered. A slow drag of fingers, like you were something to worship, to memorize, to savor. You would never experience that feeling in your life, so you would instead squeeze your eyes shut and try to convince yourself that your imagination was essentially close to the real thing, anyway.
The misery that you carried within your soul was no one’s fault but your own. There was no one to place blame onto… aside from yourself. Your cowardice, your fear, your inability to be yourself and to live and to be free. It was as though your skin was burning at every waking moment of your life, but you were unable to bring yourself to do anything about it. You were spoiled, made of mold and everything disgusting and bad. You were rotten. Rotten body, rotten mind, rotten soul. You were nothing that you wanted to be, nothing that anyone wanted you to be, and nothing that anyone needed you to be.
Ellie’s eyes would linger in your mind. Tortuously so. You had never seen a pair of eyes like it, and never would again. It hurt how much you wanted her–like a child would scream and cry over a toy in a store.
You would never get to know that you had missed your soulmate that night. That if you had been braver, hadn’t tied yourself down to a relationship that wasn’t right but felt like your fate anyway… you would’ve gotten her. You would’ve had a life of easy laughter, loving touches, and gentle acceptance. You wouldn’t have had to imagine what a specific touch might’ve felt like, because you would’ve had it every single day. You would’ve had a best friend in the form of a lover, in the form of Ellie. You would’ve spent your evenings holding still for her paintings, and your mornings would’ve been spent dancing in the kitchen with her to her favorite records. Ellie would’ve been gentle. Would’ve loved you right, despite the way in which your parents never would’ve approved. They would’ve called her trouble purely due to her hoodies and flannels, missing out on her soft smiles and quiet jokes. You would’ve had a life that you wanted to live, and a body that you didn’t feel the need to escape from. You would’ve had it. Everything you had ever wanted, really. Each dream, each thing that you longed for.
But you had never been good at being honest with yourself–had never been good at making waves. You always cowered, always subjected yourself to the worst of things and seemingly dragged everyone along with you.
You would doom yourself to the narrative–readied yourself to ache due to your own fears. Your truth was too terrifying, as was the unknown.
Like a bird in a pet store cage… the habitat wasn’t ideal, but at least they remained safe. Right? At least they weren’t dead, right?
You had consistency, at least. You knew what to expect out of your life, even if it was slowly killing you. Even if you were falling apart, everything else remained steady. After all, a cathedral under collapse was still technically deemed to be a sanctuary. You would not be comfortable, but you would live under the guise of self preservation.
You would die in the closet–whether it be slowly and naturally or at your own hand–and it would be without ever knowing what you could’ve been, or what you could’ve had.
---
[most definitely going to delete this and will instead probably recycle some lines for better than this]
⋆ 𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈 ~ ex situationship!ellie x painter!reader
⋆ 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒏𝒕 𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔 ~ swearing, abby appears is it gonna be good idk u tell me, alcohol, reader gets drunk on absolute vodka lol, ellie needing a hug for real, afab!reader. cis men and minors dni.
<- previous chapter • masterlist • next chapter ->
pictures from pinterest
a/n: soooo i finished my thesis kinda!!! i just need to check the last chapter and add the results from the interviews but then it's good to be sent so here's chapter five to celebrate yippie yayyy i still don't know how many more there will be welp but i hope you're liking it, lots of love <3
⋆ 𓂃 𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈 ~ ex situationship!ellie x painter!reader
⋆ 𓂃 𝒔𝒚𝒏𝒐𝒑𝒔𝒊𝒔 ~ you've finally secured a spot in the art world and made a name for yourself in seattle, leaving college behind for good. but the past is about to knock again on your door when a very particular commission comes through, bringing up some deeds you had left undone with ellie.
⋆ 𓂃 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒏𝒕 𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔 ~ swearing, smau, wlw shit, unfortunately a straight wedding for plot reasons, yearning, lots of gay panic, maybe loser!ellie? they're both losers tbh, situationships, very lighthearted, OCs, afab!reader. cis men and minors dni.
𝑪𝑯𝑨𝑷𝑻𝑬𝑹𝑺 𝑰𝑵𝑫𝑬𝑿
⋆ 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒍𝒐𝒈𝒖𝒆
⋆ 𝟎𝟎𝟏
⋆ 𝟎𝟎𝟐
⋆ 𝟎𝟎𝟑
⋆ 𝟎𝟎𝟒
𓂃more chapters tbd𓂃
pictures from pinterest
a/n: oh hello! first ever smau who? this is purely an experiment and i wanted to do something lighthearted and fun! im also super excited bc this is gonna have a new oc!! hope you'll enjoy <33
hellooooo!!!!! i wanted to ask what’s ur favorite fic that you’ve written atm and then what’s ur fav fic atm that u havent written 😚😚
hiii <3 love this question heh
fav fic i’ve written atm — dear ellie
for the second question mind u, i’m very much dumb so i’m not sure if i should interpret it as “a fic i haven’t written yet” or as “a fic by someone else”, so i’m just gonna say both lol. soooo in the first case, there’s a fic in my drafts called warmth that’s basically all ellie’s pov and it’s very sweet i think, i’m trying to write some comfort. in the second case, i’m very much hooked with too little never late. i’m finishing reading what elle has published for now and i can’t get it out of my head :((
heyy, are you still writing save the date or did you drop? i just wanna know cause i love it sooo much 💔💔
nooo i didn’t drop it hehe dw :3 i’ve just been a lil busy with my thesis so i didn’t have much time these past week, but next chapter is coming out tomorrow 💖
hi nini <3 i just came around here to tell you how much i appreciate you 😚
you have such a special place in my heart because you were actually the first author i ever interacted with on here, and you've always been nothing but the sweetest and so welcoming. it kinda gave me the confidence to start interacting with other people on here too ☹️ before that i was such a lurker
just wanted you to know that i appreciate you lots and i hope you're doing well <3 i hope you're having the loveliest vacation too!! you deserve the break
p.s.: did you know that the destination wedding in the fic i'm writing right now is in ITALY........ just thought you should know......... 🇮🇹🤨!? hi hello??
this is actually making me cry and smile like an idiot 😭😭 i don’t even know what to say omg you’re one of the loveliest people i’ve ever met on here and you deserve all the love and support
you’re so talented cele and that I helped you in getting that confidence?? i can’t even put it into words about how happy it makes me
i relate to your words so much and your works always end up staying with me so i’m honored and flattered
ALSO!!!!! wedding in italy? OMG sign me up, bring me there already, i need that. if you need some insider info COUNT ME IN, PLEASE. this is better than winning the world cup we didn’t even qualify for lmfao
thank you for this, best way to start my day honestly, i love you so so much ☹️💖
i read the prologue. okay fine i really liked it great introduction i'm loving it.
THEN i proceeded to read chapter two. I JUST SKIPPED CHAPTER ONE WTF.
HOW DID I NOT SEE IT THIS IS KILLING ME AHAHHAHAH
but for now i can say i'm really enjoying it, lesbian yearning at its peak and i'm totally here for it (i know i'm gonna cry for reader's backstory).
I JUST WISH I DIDN'T SKIP CHAPTER ONE CAUSE YEAH I'M GONNA READ IT NOW BUT IT'S NOT THE SAME
ahh i’m glad you’re liking it 🥹 especially since that’s the first thing i’ve ever written after coming back to writing so i still needed to improve
for skipping chapter one… it happened to me once while reading a fic and I KNOW the frustration because you feel like you’re missing bits and pieces of the story BUT the thing about strings attached is that it’s a constant back and forth so i promise it’s okay hehe chapter one after chapter two doesn’t really disrupt the story if it makes you feel better <3
i’m so excited for you thoughts esp when you’ll reach chapter five heh
