Poppy’s Thoughts

“If you are silent about your pain, they'll kill you and say you enjoyed it." -Zora Neale Hurston

[letmesaythisbeforeigo]

The cost of my grief right now is peace. Let me never forget that that pain is worth it.

[letmesaythisbeforeigo]

When my mother passes away I will not grieve her. I will grieve the love I gave her that was not returned because she decided to hate a child. I will grieve hating myself for not being lovable enough. I will grieve for my inner child. I will not grieve for her.

[letmesaythisbeforeigo]

As a neurodivergent person I’d rather just go to an opium den than try and continue therapy with processing issues. I often leave therapy more angry and frustrated than when I arrived. I’m tired.

[letmesaythisbeforeigo]

I am not okay. I don’t know why I expected anything from those people because all they ever do is prove they are unsupportive.

I am also finally accepting my borderline personality diagnosis. I have deep abandonment issues that severely affect how I feel. It’s so bad I can’t be on instagram or other social media right now due to finding the people and posts extremely irritating and triggering rage. I’m trying to be gentle with myself and understanding my behavior instead of demonizing it like I was taught to. But it is hard and I’m having really bad anxiety about it as I also have generalized anxiety disorder.

I’m not really sure how to feel better.

[letmesaythisbeforeigo]

So I found a new place to live… away from my family. I was happy at first, but then I kept thinking and sadness crept in. This is the first time I will really be on my own. I’m afraid to not have people around me. But I also don’t need to be around people who hurt me. I’m trying to reframe my thinking. Instead of ruminating on possible feelings of loneliness or feeling ostracized, I will remember that from the time I learned to read until now that I have been escaping- constantly trying to escape my reality. Well maybe now I can create a reality that I don’t need to escape from. That’s what I’ll hold onto. ❤️‍🩹

[undertheinfluencex1]

do you actually like being alone or did you just get used to no one ever showing up for you

[letmesaythisbeforeigo]

I’m no longer laughing with people who can’t cry with me.

[letmesaythisbeforeigo]

I sent my brother (my last friend in the family) a text asking and begging why people don’t take my feelings seriously and constantly invalidate them. He said that no one was ever there for him so he doesn’t care about needing anyone anymore. That almost made me feel guilty, but I’m not responsible for helping someone who didn’t ask me. I constantly seek out support due to my disability being debilitating at times. But his response was freeing in a way. His lack of empathy made me understand my life and why it’s been so hard. I’ve been begging for my family to show up for me since I was a small child and I’m finally done begging. It’s like I can finally let go of them. I don’t need to beg people to be around me. It’s disappointing not to feel the love that you give others especially when it’s your own tribe. Some people are just unfortunate when it comes to the people who are supposed to love us the best. Some people never have a chance at all because of the family they were born into. Some people are born into families that will not love them. That is such a harsh reality to accept for me. Humanity is cooked.

[letmesaythisbeforeigo]

When you thought you were over it, but the s*icidal ideation comes flooding back. How do I get over this?

[letmesaythisbeforeigo]

It’s becoming increasingly more difficult to accept that no one in my immediate family truly gives a fuck about me. I want to die. Not sure how else to get through this…

[letmesaythisbeforeigo]

I had to think and ask myself what I’m truly looking for and what I want. I want to be and feel safe physically and emotionally. That to me is a kind of rest I’ve never had.

[letmesaythisbeforeigo]

I feel like my entire life has been me trying to get people to love me. First started with my dad- always fighting to be seen as human.

Then trying to get it from men to prove to my dad (and myself) that I was lovable. All I did was end up marrying a man who abused me. The marriage gave me PTSD and that’s when I also found out I have bipolar disorder and generalized anxiety disorder.

When I finally realized I was being abused (I was in denial), I called my mom. I thought she would save me but as I was packing my things to get away from my ex husband I get a call from her and all she says is “your father is saying things.” And that was it. I was no longer welcome back home. Luckily my sister had a place for me to go so I was able to get out of the situation I was in.

A few months after being with my sister I “visited” home for Christmas break and just never left. I was traumatized and really needed/wanted my mom. Going back home was a bad idea. I wasn’t safe there. I was met with insults about making stupid decisions and being in my 30s and not being able to work (they didn’t care about my trauma and disability).

Eventually my mom left my dad and I became significantly more stable. After some years away from my dad, I realized that a lot of my trauma came from my mom as well. When I confronted her about not being able to come back home when I needed to leave my husband her response was, “I don’t remember that.” When I try to go to her for comfort when I am struggling to regulate my emotions I’m ignored. When I told my mom I was suicidal she told me that I have no friends and no one wants to be around me because I complain all the time. Now every time I try to make a friend and it doesn’t work out I remember her words. When I confront her on how damaging that was for my mental health she denied ever saying it. She said that I always exaggerate. She made me feel like I can’t trust my own memory when I remember exactly what she said because it cut me like a knife.

Now I realize after nearly 40 years that I was also fighting for her love as well. Fighting for her to have compassion for me, to comfort me, to nurture me. I loved her unconditionally hoping she would love me back one day. I got indifference and cruelty in return.

I deserved better. Now at almost 40 I’m nearly completely alone- no real support system, like 1 person I can call a friend. And I can’t help but feel this is exactly what she wanted. She never wanted me to be better than her.

[letmesaythisbeforeigo]

I’m always the bad guy for reacting badly according to other people. But no one takes into consideration the antecedent. Mentally ill people don’t react for no reason. There are triggers and we are suffering. No one understands that. It’s always “poor you for having to deal with a mentally ill family member” but no one ever considers why we behave the way we do. We are suffering. You having to “deal” with our behavior is not more painful than why the mentally ill person is behaving. We are suffering and no one cares.

[letmesaythisbeforeigo]

My mother doesn’t take any of my feelings seriously because she says I exaggerate due to my bipolar disorder. So none of my feelings are ever valid because I have a mental illness. I feel sub human and not worthy of existing.

[letmesaythisbeforeigo]

I have been diagnosed with these things- Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, and Borderline Personality Disorder.

You wanna know how that happened? You wanna know the stigma of people believing you’re going to hurt them due to a diagnosis when the diagnosed are usually on the receiving end of the abuse?

We did not get like this for no reason.

And at 39 years old I’m finally seeing my life for what it is and what it was.