BLUBB BLUBB MOTHERFUCKERS

iv | 24

[1five1two]

'Orpheus in the Underworld'. Nils Asplund. 1874-1958.

[robs-your-robins]

The Riddler probably has such an up and down relationship with the Robins because they all tend to tackle things differently and he’s always so thrown by how they handle his riddles.

The Riddler: To free Batman from my trap, you must answer this riddle, little bird. I speak without a mouth and hear without ears. I have no body, but I come alive with wind. What am I?

Dick, eight years old and freshly Robin: *thinking really hard*

The Riddler looking at Batman dangling upside down: ?

Batman: He just needs an extra minute.

The Riddler:

Batman: English isn’t his first langauge.

The Riddler, feeling a little bad: oh, that’s… take your time, buddy.

Jason, twelve years old: *lifting a hand*

The Riddler: -uh, yes?

Jason: Can you repeat that? The riddle?

The Riddler: um, yeah, sure. I have cities, but no houses. I have mountains, but no trees. I have water, but no fish. What am I?

Jason: Yeah, you’re a map but when you’re talking about multiple species of fish, which you probably are, you can say fishes. If you’re using fish, you’re only talking about one species.

The Riddler:

Jason: I just think you should know that. You know as a “genius”

The Riddler: The more you take, the more you -

Tim: Footsteps, where’s Batman?

The Riddler: No, you have to let me-

Tim: Nuh-uh

The Riddler: The fuck do you mean “nuh-uh”? Who raised you?

Tim, on two hours sleep, with two essays due on this fine Thursday night: *fucking launches himself at The Riddler*

The Riddler: I wear a mask but not to hide,

Steph: It's you. You're the answer.

The Riddler: You have to let me finish.

Steph, mimicking him: YOu HaVE tO LEt mE FIniSH

The Riddler: I have-

Damian: *launches himself at the Riddler*

The Riddler: Batman, fuck, FUCK, he’s fucking biting me-

[amgue]

Low quality Jason my beloved

[babblingbookends]

Dick lays like a beautiful princess and Roy lays like a cartoon character who just had an anvil fall on him

[dickgreyson]

The past is catchin' up to you, huh? You got no idea Roy Harper in Green Arrow (2023)

[frownyalfred]

crash out KING Jeremy Irons ranting about not being allowed to smoke in Central Park will never not be funny to me.

[frownyalfred]

fic idea: playing with the popular “Clark doesn’t know Bruce Wayne is Batman” trope but instead of playing it as a rom-com where Clark is jealous because he thinks Batman is dating Bruce Wayne, it’s completely platonic and digs deep into Clark’s sense of justice and vehement opposition to any sort of corruption.

More simply: Clark thinks Batman is taking advantage of Bruce Wayne financially, preying on his parents’ death and past trauma in order to extort billion dollar equipment and total financial freedom.

[justiceleaque]

batman appearance are like

main batman titles: tortured protector of a dark, insidious city

side batman titles: difficult mentor and often distant parent figure

justice league titles: dark triangle with two more dark triangles on his head

superman titles: co-worker here to clock out on time and not make friends

wonder woman titles: weird but chill guy

trinity titles: bisexual batman on a love island episode

green lantern titles: dick joke

and i think that's beautiful

[reginaking]

underappreciated dick grayson moments: 1/?

[frownyalfred]

it's fun to think about how when the Batfamily goes to GCPD headquarters for any reason (ribbon cutting, Bruce getting questioned years after in his parents' case, etc) they actually walk in with a third of Gotham's open warrants and nobody realizes.

Bruce: has so many warrants out for his various identites (not just Batman) his file would crash the GCPD servers if it was all in one folder. somehow doesn't have international warrants. should have international warrants at this point. has one (1) open warrant with Oa Hal sometimes pretends to enforce just to fuck with him.

Dick: warrants for both Robin and Nightwing in Gotham (he got the Bludhaven ones erased but Bruce wouldn't let him mess with the GCPD ones)

Jason: actually has federal warrants at this point because Red Hood was spotted crossing the NJ border a few times. wanted for murder. and racketeering. but mostly murder.

Duke: wants to have warrants. doesn't have warrants. GCPD cops love to see Signal in the daytime. once punched someone right in front of a patrol car (they deserved it) and the cops inside gave thumbs up through the windshield. people assume he's the daytime fall guy for Batman and feel bad.

Cass: doesn't have warrants because no one ever knows her name and half of the witnesses who see her aren't entirely sure she isn't Batman. Batman gets most of her warrants by accident; Cass kisses Bruce on the cheek whenever he sees a new one on TV and the vein in his forehead starts to pulse)

Tim: also has federal warrants, but for hacking various government systems. no one realizes he's the same guy (Red Robin) that has several warrants for vigilantism (duh) and destruction of property (he blew up enough stuff downtown that the GCPD bomb disposal squad gets nervous when he's mentioned)

Steph: has warrants in her real name. zero in her vigilante identity. will not explain what those warrants are and swore Bruce (and Tim, later) to absolute secrecy about them. actually has the most warrants in her own name out of the whole family. very proud of this.

Damian: no warrants because everyone knows he's under 14 at the very least, but if he ever got arrested a ton of people would try to charge him as an adult and he'd probably agree because he thinks it's more noble

Bonus

Alfred: wanted by Interpol, various intelligence agencies, and oddly enough...only has a bench warrant for unpaid parking tickets that piled up over the years (he kept going to contest them and the GCPD retaliated by giving him more, so now he parks in GCPD-only spots and fire lanes around the city just to be petty. he can afford it)

Jim Gordon: knows in his heart the Waynes have warrants but can't prove it. doesn't want to prove it because he has a sickening, sneaking suspicion he knows exactly why they'd be in his system. once let Alfred off with a warning about parking in a fire lane because it would make Commisioner Loeb late for something and he thought that was hilarious.

[adilia-the-kouhai]

Bruce looking over like "stay quiet, dont blow our cover. I know what I'm doing"

Diana and Clark watching their friend get the ever loving piss beaten out of him bc he 'knows what he's doing'

[adilia-the-kouhai]

Drew an aftermath

[arguablysomaya]

batman comic arcs are so mindlessly dark all the time. “the killing joke” “death in the family” “batman’s grave” how about “batman has a nice fucking day for once” huh? “batman chills the fuck out and spends some time with his kids” “batman and the relaxing picnic” “batman has a really good cup of tea and its not poisoned or drugged because he’s been stressed lately” huh???? what about that, assholes.

[tamamita]

Yeah like, could you imagine a Batman who laughs?

[countesschewi]

[frownyalfred]

“I didn’t think you could move like that anymore” but it’s Jason Todd as Red Hood briefly adopting Robin’s grace and Batman’s superhuman silence to enter a building soundlessly and stalk six people in the pitch black instead of Red Hood’s typical schtick.

and it works. every. goddamned. time. goons forget Hood’s got the Bat in his bones. he can move just like him; he simply chooses not to.

[frownyalfred]

never let them know your next move (accidentally channeling your former mentor because his teachings won’t ever truly leave your bones)

[ciricearts]

oh the boy is safe, he even graduated!

[doesephs]

put neil josten in solitary refinement that man needs to learn some manners

[disco-troy]

KG Beast had the worst time of his life after he shot Nightwing.

First he got beat up by Batman and abandoned in the snow

Then Nightwing himself beat him up (and told him a pun)

THEN The Batgirls lured him to their turf ON PURPOSE to beat him up

Damian nearly kills him

He gets beat up by a guy at the speed of light

and that's not even counting Kory's reaction!

Entire hired killer career OVER bc he shot one man

[bumblingbee1]

DC: This is not a gay panel, we promise, yall!

The “not gay” panel in question: