Dreaming in Lavender

soft n fuzzy, dreamy n drifty, sweet jazzy vibes

[letsroadtriptogether]

These past few days got me feeling okay to be alone.

Single for 333 days.

2 cats.

1 bedroom apartment.

2 best friends.

A handful of good people around me in social circles.

A long term job - 9 years strong.

Supportive employers and employees.

[letsroadtriptogether]

[letsroadtriptogether]

I miss you.

So much it hurts, and tears swallow me whole.

I want to tell you how I feel.

But I don't want to be rejected.

I don't want to be left hanging.

But I don't want to move on.

I'm hopelessly in love with you.

And I believe my feelings, put pressure on you.

So much pressure that its pushing you away.

But I can't forget.

I don't want to forget.

Those moments are so special.

Just tell me to stop.

I don't want to ask if I am too much.

I need you to break it off if you don't want this.

But I do.

[letsroadtriptogether]

I ask myself, what is it for?

The sleepless nights, yearning and craving for affection from someone that can't give it.

Won't give it or maybe doesn't even know how to give it.

The racing thoughts and bittersweet memories.

Why couldn't I detach myself to those short and sweet moments.

The sand between my toes, salt water on my lips, the space I shared.

What have I done to myself.

Do I want it to stop?

I'm not quite sure.

Ask me again later.

When im not sinking beneath the surface of bedsheets and comforters.

Beneath the sweet purs of Sage, as she snuggles in to me.

Ask me in the afternoon.

When I'm wide awake, still thinking of you.

[anukfilli]

i was trying to make a meme but i fucked up the audio layering and

[kira-serialfaggot]

Listening to happy music to get through the disassociative episode

[letsroadtriptogether]

The waves of heaviness wash over me daily. I fight hard to calm this ocean, but i fail. Everyday I take in water until im coughing and gasping for air. These waters will never drown me but they keep pulling me under.

And I feel like I am sinking, my vision gets blurry, my head starts spinning and everything begins to fade. But it doesn't end. The senses come back, I can see and hear. But I find myself clawing at my chest trying to rip out my lungs and screaming to breathe normally for once. To not have this trench in my gut nor the salt of my tears burning my face as it trickles down my cheeks. I crave a calm ocean.

But sometimes its so constant, its hard to remember not feeling this way. That there was a time where I didn't disassociate into oblivion and completely forget the minutes, hours, days... That I could say I went all day, walking in the sunshine, feeling the grass under my feet, squishy and comforting.

But these past few years, nearly this past decade. I have been running from this. I have jumped into the deep end without the stamina to swim through these waters.

I've only come to learn this insight due to my loneliness. Completely alone. I find myself isolating, more and more. I feel like my communication efforts are illusions. Telling others that I am okay because I am still around.

But no one sees me.

How can I communicate this utter desolation and deprivation I feel in my bones when I convince myself that I am a burden and that no one can help me. No one can ease this pressure.

So I'll keep swimming, because I am too afraid to drown and too afraid to get out of the water.

[letsroadtriptogether]

I ruin my sleep schedule for you

I let my boundaries slip past for you

I yearn for attention from you

I want affection from you

I want to be important to you

But i dont want to suffocate you

I dont want to impose on you

But i want to be with you

[humandisconnected]

CLAIM YOUR BADGE HERE!!!

[expressions-of-nature]

Valtavara, Finland by Andrey Bazanov

[kicsterash]

"I guess I don't want you to feel like you're nothing. I don't want anybody to feel like that." -Pomni

[letsroadtriptogether]

I'm starting to over think again,

I'm sorry.

I've probably put so much pressure on you and I feel as if I am being obnoxious and needy and suffocating you.

I've developed feelings that complicate a friendship.

And I fear you don't want more than a friendship.

Specially with me.

I don't know what to do, because im fucking cooked.

[letsroadtriptogether]

As the suns sets on another day,

My mind wanders across the skies,

Fantasies of us find spaces to stay.

Like feelings we shared in the snapshot of our eyes.

Every minute with you,

Is not a waste of time.

I offer my energy to very few.

And you make me feel sublime.

So I hope we continue on with this,

Talking, staring, flirting and playing.

I'll never forget about that kiss.

Or holding eachother and swaying.

The time is going by so fast.

And I'm trying not to live in the past.

But I want these memories of us to last.

And to see you again cause it was a blast.

[letsroadtriptogether]

I don't want to stop these feelings,

Despite what my brain is telling me

My heart says otherwise.

So I'll keep going

Until I get a clear sign

That tells me to stop.

[letsroadtriptogether]

I should just give up,

On hoping you'd love me,

Talk to me first,

Invest in a relationship...

I should just stop,

Texting all the time,

Letting you in on all the details,

Craving what we had...

I need to let you go,

But everything in me...

Is telling me no.

[letsroadtriptogether]

I feel as if I should give up hope.

Hoping for us to happen.

Hoping that ill find my other half.

Just give it all up.

[thecollectibles]

Art by Jimmy Cao

[letsroadtriptogether]

It feels as if,

I am just a friend,

But a little bit

More involved..

I dont know what to do

Anymore.

Not saying anything

Hurts

But the idea of saying something

Hurts too

Im scared

And i want to run away

Or sleep and never wake up

I dont know what to do