Let's talk about rape

I have spent the last 5.5 years working in the sexual assault and domestic violence prevention and response field as a victim advocate, hotline crisis counselor, shelter advocate, and educator. I also dropped out of a PhD program in Communication and my focus was on cultural representations and discourses of sexual assault. Through that work I have seen not only how rape culture is enacted directly but also how cultural messages negatively contribute to survivors' experiences in healing from sexual assault. I also think that these cultural messages have much larger implications as they perpetuate stereotypes that lead to, for example, District Attorneys rejecting cases they know jury cultural attitudes will not support thus enabling rapists to not be held accountable for their actions. I am working to change that. If you are looking for someone to talk to, need advice, or have questions please feel free to reach out to me. I have a lot of experience working with victims/survivors of sexual assault and domestic violence. Let me know whether or not you feel comfortable with me posting my response publicly or if you'd prefer it remain private. You can also email me at [email protected]

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Research Study: Barriers in Pursuing Justice for Female Sexual Assault Survivors

I was contacted by this researcher and asked if I could share this among my followers: A researcher from CSU Northridge is conducting a study with female sexual assault survivors to assess the barriers that women face in pursuing justice for their crimes. The voices of survivors are often overlooked in research, and this study provides you an opportunity to contribute to research that can make a difference in how our criminal justice system and legal system handle sexual assault cases.

The anonymous survey is 3-5 minutes long and can be accessed here, or you can cut and paste this link: https://csunsbs.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_9X2v5GqP6RKmDqd

If you have any questions regarding the study, please feel free to contact the lead researcher at [email protected]. Thank you for your consideration and participation!

[letstalkaboutrape]

Mere Objects (trigger warning: rape)

Mere Objects is an interactive art project to honor and empower survivors of sexual assault, and to increase awareness of survivors within our communities.

(This is not my project but it seems like a great project for any survivors interested in participating.)

[aimmyarrowshigh]

[letstalkaboutrape]

To every survivor who is triggered by the election results, I believe you, I love you, and I’m sorry.

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(trigger warning: rape) Was I raped?

Anon asked: Was I raped? I was walking home at 2 am, I had been drinking heavily and I was high on xanax. A car pulled up beside me and an older man told me to get in. I got in and he asked me if i'd been drinking. I said yes. I had to stop the car to throw up out the door because I was so drunk. He just laughed, and drove me to a bar. He bought me a drink but I said I wanted to go home. He told me he was 37. I told him to drive me home and he asked me if i wanted to smoke with him. I said no and I told him I'd just walk home. He said no and told me to get in the car. He started kissing me. I told him I needed to go home but he didn't stop. He grabbed my breasts, and started fingering me and then he performed oral. I didn't want him to but I was afraid because I was alone in his car that he might do soemthing to me. I just kept telling him I had to go. I was so out of it, the next morning I thought it was a dream. Does this count since I got in the car? I'm 16.     

Answer: Hi anon, I’m so sorry to hear about this traumatizing experience. Even if you got into the car of your own volition, you were too drunk to consent and thus he raped you. He saw you throw up so he knew that you had had too much to drink and then plied you with more alcohol. So even if you didn’t explicitly say “no,” he had enough information from having seen you throw up, to know that you couldn’t make an informed decision about consent. And, in fact, he probably targeted you for exactly that reason. Sending you love and support <3

[letstalkaboutrape]

Resources for female-on-female sexual assault survivors

I received an anonymous request asking for resources for female survivors of assault by a female perpetrator. I don’t know of any specific to that experience so I’m wondering if anyone out there has recommendations?

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(trigger warning: rape, sexual assault, victim blaming) Anon asked: was this rape?

Anon asked: “Hi I have a question. Last year I was with my (then) boyfriend at his apartment and I believe he sexually assaulted me. I was laying on his couch watching tv and he just got on top of me out of nowhere and started to finger me really hard (I ended up bleeding) and choking me. I said No more than once and I did try to push him off a couple times but he would just push my hands down (with force) and after a while I knew he wasn't going to stop so I just lay there not doing anything. He got off after he realized there was blood because he got grossed out and left to wash up. I lay there in shock and even asked myself if I was Just raped but I kept denying it and telling myself everything was fine and it was a "surprise". When he got back we watched tv and I went as far as kissing his cheek and being provocative to show myself that everything was good and I wasn't traumatized. He was 18 and I was 16 at the time. I felt wrong but I continued to kiss his cheek and get cuddly because I wanted to really show myself that it was all good. Then we agreed on having sex but I ended up not going through with it. We broke up that day(he told me he didn't love me which is fine) I told my therapist and she had me report it to the police. I still have nightmares about him and I showered multiple times that day and even threw up when I got home. My case was denied. Would you consider this sexual assault? I never asked him to get on top of me and we even have a confession out of him. But to others this seems like I got mad because he broke up with me and I decided to tell the police on him. Though, I've been wanting to break up with him for a long time by then and he had cheated on me and invited me over to "make things right". The pain is real and I know what I experienced and to be told that is isn't because we had a consensual relationship really Hurts. I'm 17 now.”

Answer: What you experienced would legally be described as forcible digital penetration (the finger) and likely assault for the non-consensual choking. That is a form of sexual assault. And the fact that you tried to “normalize” it after by being affectionate is an extremely common response. Your brain tries to make sense of it by engaging in activities that make it feel more familiar. Unfortunately, a lot of cases don’t go forward in the “justice” system but that doesn’t take away from the legitimacy of the trauma you experienced. I’m so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing and I hope that you have a supportive community to help you heal. It’s great that you have a therapist for support.

[letstalkaboutrape]

im sad that u r not replying to comments and qs.

Hey Anon,

I’m so sorry I’ve not been super active on tumblr. Sometimes life takes over and I don’t have the emotional space to process everything on this blog. But I’m back now and working on being more responsive!

[letstalkaboutrape]

The Opposite of Rape Culture is Nurturance Culture

The opposite of masculine rape culture is masculine nurturance culture: men* increasing their capacity to nurture, and becoming whole. The Ghomeshi trial is back in the news, and it brings violent …

This is so incredibly important.

“Men have to do this with other men, despite the difficulties in doing so, for three reasons. For one, men understand what it is like to be a man much better than women do, and they can teach one another while understanding what it actually feels like and having compassion for one another. Men must also do this with other men because, frankly, women cannot be responsible for healing men while they also protect themselves from male violence and neglect, which is still endemic and thus a daily part of women’s lives. Finally, one of the great distortions of the human spirit in our culture is that each man lives in solitary confinement, thinking they can and should solve problems alone, that they shouldn’t need others. Jumping the barriers that keep men from talking about emotions with other men is itself a fundamental change, one that reduces shame and confusion.“

[letstalkaboutrape]

What is sexual assault prevention? On "roofies" and nail polish (Trigger warning: rape culture, victim blaming)

I’m sure a lot of you have seen articles going around talking about a new nail polish developed by four young men called “Undercover Colors” that is designed to change colors when put into drinks containing drugs that are commonly used by perpetrators to facilitate sexual assault. It’s one of many of a long line of products designed so that women can “keep ourselves safe” from sexual assault (I’m looking at you pepper spray, rapex, color-changing coasters, and anti-rape underwear). While I’m sure this product was developed with only the best intentions, the fact that four men looking to solve the problem of sexual assault thought this was the best solution illuminates precisely the root of the problem: preventing sexual assault is not the responsibility of women and people who wear nail polish and prevention is ONLY possible if we fundamentally redefine masculinity.

Several articles have outlined why this kind of product is problematic and the list really could go on and on. Most notably, it places the responsibility for rape prevention on the shoulders of victims and possible victims rather than perpetrators. It also reinforces stereotypes about what kinds of rape are taking place since the number one drug used is alcohol with drugs accounting for a small percentage of assaults. Not to mention that most are perpetrated by someone the victim knows and trusts in an environment where they feel safe. I’m also really struggling with the concept that we should be “discreetly” checking for drugs in our drinks. Even the name “Undercover Colors” makes it seem like their purported mission of rape prevention is something we need to be quiet about.

“At least they tried,” you might be saying. “What if even one person is ‘saved’ as a result of this nail polish?” you might ask. And to that I ask back, “What happens when the person wearing the nail polish successfully avoids the perpetrator but the next person being targeted doesn’t? Is that prevention? Does this kind of product actually change the root of the problem or does it just put a band-aid on it and call that prevention? What if instead of putting their energy, time, and money toward the development of this product, these four men had used that same energy, time, and money towards becoming vocal allies against rape in their community and encouraging other men to do the same?”

Look, I get it. Ending rape is hard work. And it would be really great if we could just invent a magical product and call the problem solved. But none of these products are actually doing the work that needs to be done to end rape and that’s because the problem is deeply rooted in patriarchal values and the work to undo that is slow and difficult. It requires that we deconstruct what it means to be a man and reconstruct it in a way that doesn’t rely on violence as the desirable (or only) option for self-expression and self-definition. It requires that we create a culture that gives men space to be emotional, to encourage them to communicate about their thoughts and feelings, and that we give them tools to do productive and healthy things with those thoughts and feelings rather than destructive ones. It requires that we look at the ways that racism, misogyny, heterosexism, capitalism, ableism, and the state intersect and work together to create and promote rape culture. And most importantly, it requires that men are willing to do the work required to change themselves and challenge other men to do the same.

If we are truly committed to preventing and ending rape, we have to ask ourselves what that really means and what that really looks like. I’m confident it doesn’t look like drug-detecting nail polish. As long as we seek external, commodity-based solutions to the problem of rape culture, rape culture will persist. Rape is a problem of violent masculinity. It’s not a problem of improper accessorizing.

[letstalkaboutrape]

(Trigger warning: Child Sexual Abuse) Your Child Should Never Be Forced to Hug Anyone (Yes, Including a Relative) – Here Are 7 Reasons Why

On the surface, hugging seems pleasant. But disrespecting your child's bodily autonomy? Not so much. This list might really change your perspective.

Children’s bodily autonomy is so important and this article does a great job of explaining it. If we are truly committed to ending rape culture it’s important to think about the implications of forcing children to hug people but not only because of the direct correlation between possible sexual abuse. There is a larger issue of teaching people from a young age how to articulate what kinds of contact they want others to have with their bodies as well as the importance of other people around children who are empowered in this way learning to respect those boundaries.

[sexologist]

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Where can I buy these?

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Found them!

[sexologist]

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Where can I buy these?

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(trigger warning: rape) Reporting without involving the victim/survivor

Question: Hello. My best friend told me the other day that her ex boyfriend who she broke up with a few weeks ago forced her into giving him head when she didn't want to. I want to report him but she really doesn't want to go to court because she just got done with it this year in a custody battle w/her parents. Her ex has been accused of rape in the past, we all go to the same high school, and are minors. Is there a way to report her ex without involving my friend?

Answer: The short answer to your question is no. She would have to be brought in for an interview and cases are really unlikely to move forward if the victim is unwilling to participate. If it happened to move forward without her (which does sometimes happen) it would only have merit if, at some point, she had been interviewed by law enforcement. There is no way a case can move forward without a victim ever having contact with someone along the way.

The longer answer is that while I totally understand that your intentions are in the right place, going against a survivor’s wishes by reporting something they don’t want reported is really the last thing you should do. I get that it feels frustrating because we’ve been lead to believe that reporting these things leads to “justice” and we want that justice for the people we love. But what we should want even more for the people we love is for them to get the help and support they need to heal. The fact that she told you this happens means that she trusts you and it’s your job to honor that by supporting her in what she wants. It might make you feel better for her to report, but it sounds like it’s not going to make her feel better. So instead of trying to figure out how to report without her, figure out how to support her in ways that feel good to her by asking her what she wants and needs.

For more on why people don’t report, check out this post.

[letstalkaboutrape]

(trigger warning: rape, victim blaming) Why survivors don't report

Anon asked: I hope this doesn't come off badly but why do so many people not report rape? I've never understood at all why someone would not want to see their rapist getting what they deserve. Also shouldn't they want to prevent their rapist from doing it to other people? I feel like not reporting it is awful because if the guy raped you he's most likely going to do it to more people.

Answer: The simple answer to this question, anon, is that rape survivors don't report because we live in a rape culture where "justice" for rape survivors is hard to come by. We live in a culture that demonizes rape survivors, that has laws that make it extremely difficult to prosecute accused rapists, and where cultural attitudes about sexual assault lead juries to acquit some of the very few rapists who even make it to trial.

If you knew that the likelihood that the person who sexually assaulted you was going to face any repercussions for the assault was a single digit percentage, what would motivate you to report? Because reporting can carry a whole slew of further traumatic experiences for survivors: going through an exam where your recently violated body is treated as a crime scene (and photographed as such), being asked invasive questions over and over, feeling put on the spot about one of the most painful and traumatic things that has ever happened to you. And to go through all of that and have there be very little chance that anything comes of it? It's a wonder anyone reports!

There's also about a million other factors to consider: someone's relationship to the police may be more antagonistic and mistrusting depending on their cultural background or personal history. Someone may feel ashamed or embarrassed to talk openly and candidly about intimate parts of their bodies. Someone may have previous trauma and this new assault is bringing all of that up for them. Someone may be barely able to get through their day as the effects of trauma impact them. Someone may not see the criminal justice system and their perpetrator "getting what they deserve" as justice that feels good to them. Some people aren't in a safe space to be able to report as their perpetrator may be a friend, family member, or partner they rely on for basic necessities or perhaps they've been threatened that if they report something worse will happen to them or someone they love. Someone may feel that they need to heal and they don't see the criminal justice system being a place where that healing comes from. All reasons someone may choose not to report are completely valid.

The thing you need to realize is whether someone reports or doesn't does not make them responsible for the future actions of the person who raped them. If someone reported and their perp walked free, would you blame the victim for the future actions of that perp? Similarly, if someone chooses not to report and that rapist goes on to rape someone else, the blame lies SOLELY with the rapist. And it is absolutely horrible that rapists often rape more than one person, but to hold victims responsible for that is not only wrong, it's dangerous. Because the reality is, no matter what survivors do, most perpetrators get off scot free. Why? Because we live in a culture that lets that happen.

If you want to see more rapists held accountable, you need to work to create a culture that supports victims; a culture where those who do choose to report are treated with respect and believed; a culture where sexual consent is only an enthusiastic "yes" not an absence of a "no"; a culture where a jury of someone's peers hasn't been raised to mistrust rape survivors; a culture where the criminal justice system isn't steeped in racism and misogyny...the list goes on and on.

I want to be very clear that whatever choices survivors make about reporting are theirs to make. One option is not better than another. Choosing to report or choosing not to report is a personal decision and it's one that should be made solely based on the needs of the survivor, not based on what anyone else thinks. If you are weighing the decision to report or not, you can reach out to your local rape crisis center or hotline to talk through what options are best for you.

[letstalkaboutrape]

(Trigger Warning: rape, victim blaming) Boyfriend reacting poorly to rape survivor

Question: hi. my cousin's girlfriend was raped and his response to it was appalling. he seemed to take it as if she was cheating on him. he cheated on her in what I assume to be retaliation and he's horribly disrespectful of her trauma. I'm very nervous about talking to people so I was wondering if you knew of any resources I could share with him to show him his response was wrong? I don't know her so I don't want to risk upsetting her by going out of my way to try and help her directly.

Answer: Hey anon. I'm so sorry to hear that your cousin is being such a crappy person in response to his girlfriend's trauma. I wish I could say it surprised me but unfortunately I've heard this narrative a bunch of times. I don't have specific resources for dealing with it as most things geared toward secondary survivors (partners, family, and friends who are supporting survivors) is geared toward those who want to do a good job. None that I could find say things explicitly like "accusing your partner of cheating on you when she was raped is shitty behavior" (perhaps because that should be BLATANTLY OBVIOUS). I'm wondering if you could maybe write him a letter if you feel nervous about talking to him? Frankly I don't hold a lot of hope for people who react to the news of their partner's assault this way unless they are actively seeking more information or therapeutic support themselves. He has to want to do better and if he's not willing to, there isn't much you can say (and I hope his partner has the resources and support network to leave him and find the supportive community she needs to heal).

You mention that you don't know her but if you have any way of getting in contact with her you can let her know that she can reach out to you for support if she wants to? That way it's up to her if she wants your help.

Do any of my followers know of good resources that explicitly call out people who are acting like assholes to their partners who've been assaulted?

[letstalkaboutrape]

(trigger warning: relationship violence) Cycle of Domestic Violence

Anon asked: my boyfriend has the tenancy to get angry at me, he will shout and spit in my face and he sometime hits me too. when he does this it makes me feel upset and hurt. so when he calms down i try to let him know how much he hurt me but then he starts explaining how his childhood was hard and that im being unreasonable. he makes me feel im the one thats done something wrong. idk maybe i have? its so confusing cause i go from hating him to felling sorry for him and mad at myself. i dunno what to think?

Answer: What you're describing here is pretty textbook domestic abuser behavior as well as the cycle of violence in a domestic violence relationship. Let's start with the cycle of violence.

As you can see, the way DV works is the there is first building of tension which then explodes in some sort of abuse. That is followed by an apology/honeymoon period where things are good again. Typically the cycle gets shorter and shorter as time goes on and the abuse gets more and more intense in severity and duration. But this cycle also makes it harder to get out because the honeymoon phase makes people feel like their partner really will change (when the fact is, they rarely do unless they are seeing a counselor to work on their abusive behavior).

As for his blaming it on anything but himself, that is what DV perpetrators do. They don't take responsibility (or if they do it's in the honeymoon phase but doesn't last long). They seek to find external sources for why they are they way they are (their childhood, their partner, alcohol, etc). But the fact is no one is responsible for their behavior but themselves. And if your partner had a traumatic childhood and doesn't know how to deal with that in ways that aren't violent (as plenty of people with traumatic childhoods have figured out how to do), it's their responsibility to get whatever mental health support they need to process it.

There is nothing you could ever do that would warrant someone abusing you. Nothing. Ever. He is using that as a tool against you to break down your self esteem and to keep you engaged in the cycle of violence. But the fact is, it is his fault entirely. And the other fact is, as long as he's blaming you and others, nothing is going to change. I hope that you stay safe, care for yourself, and recognize that domestic violence usually gets worse, not better. If you need help or support whether you're planning to stay or to leave you can call the National DV Hotline at 1−800−799−7233. Depending on where you live, they can also direct you to a local domestic violence service organization that could help you.