jess

a collection of words

[lettersbyjess]

the universe disguises growth in the most tragically beautiful ways. my lessons came in the form of everything i’ve ever wanted: a loving, tender Home in the form of a passionate, intimate lover. only for me to realize, Home is not in anyone but Yourself.

-thank you for the lessons, but you no longer serve me. i must now let you go. // mantras to repeat until fully believed // @lettersbyjess

[lettersbyjess]

Today, I decided to drive past your house. For 11 months, I purposely went the long way home to avoid even passing your street. But today, I turned down your street.

Out of all feelings I expected to arise, the least I expected rose. I felt happiness. Nostalgia. Gratitude. The love we had, though when it ended it ripped my skin off my bones and shook me restless for almost an entire year, we still experienced love beyond the solely mundane. I have never felt such strong emotions, and though those strong emotions of love also brewed the biggest heartbreak I’ve ever experienced, one that crumbled me to my knees; it was still an incredible experience. Feeling a love so passionate is beyond words. I am happy I was able to experience a love so pure. I don’t know if being able to look back with happiness and not pain means I am finally, after 11 months, moving on, but whatever it is, it’s a great thing.

[lettersbyjess]

Something that is commonly agreed upon is what the biggest mystery in life is. What is the point for us being here? No one truly knows why we are here. everyone has their theories and whatnot: some believe in a Great Divine and a Higher Purpose, while others believe in a simulation-type reality, or a Karma/Dharma fulfillment system. I think about this question a lot, maybe more than I should. What is the true purpose? Why am I here on this beautifully twisted planet? Whenever I find myself thinking about this, I ponder the idea that I am here to make a difference, or to teach people something I feel strongly about; and though this may be true, none of these hypotheses fully satisfy my curiosity. After considering and delving into several theories, my mind always wanders back to you. I think about our love. I think about our passion and I think about our intimacy. I think about the connection we created. It's not something of this world. It's too powerful to be solely mundane. It's not a connection between our mortal physique, but one shared between our souls. I know that this is not the first life I have known you, maybe not even the first life I have loved you either. My soul yearns for your soul. And that's when I know. That's when I understand my reason, my purpose. I was put here on this earth to love you. And I will fulfill that to my greatest ability. I will love you to the end of time. I love you. I have always loved you. And I will always love you.

It’s you. It’s always been you. And it’ll always be you. // @lettersbyjess

[lettersbyjess]

Sometimes I find myself fantasizing about you. About the days where we were in love. I sometimes find myself daydreaming about the day we’ll meet again. It’s been 7 months since I’ve last seen you. I hope that when you see me, you’ll come running. You’ll come running and you’ll embrace me, kissing me passionately. You’ll tell me you’re never going to let go. You’ll tell me you truly did never break your promise, that you never stopped loving me. That you truly did wait for me. That I’m the love of your life. Then that fantasy comes to a halt and I realize I need to start accepting the fact that you’re never coming back.

[lettersbyjess]

So many SoundCloud playlists in honor of you and the broken heart you left inside me

Every sad song is dedicated to you // @lettersbyjess

[lettersbyjess]

I still fucking love you.

It’s been 268 days.

[lettersbyjess]

It’s been 262 days since you broke my heart and I still find days where I physically feel empty because you’re missing from my life and I still find nights where I cry myself to sleep. It definitely didn’t get better. It just got easier to distract myself. I learned how to live without you. But there are still some nights where the distractions aren’t enough. You’re everywhere I look. I can’t get you off my mind. It’s been 262 days since you last broke my heart and I’m still madly in love with you.

This isn’t fair. You cheated on me and I’m still the one suffering? We could’ve been forever. // @lettersbyjess

[lettersbyjess]

It’s 1 am and I’m at a crowded bar, there’s 1000 faces but all I want to see is yours

[lettersbyjess]

I lost myself trying to forget you

It didn’t work, and now I want you and the old me back 

[lettersbyjess]

you're all i think about but oh you make me so blue

teenage blues

[lettersbyjess]

the minute i saw your name on my phone screen, a thousand and one feelings flooded back into my head, making my heart sink to the bottom of my stomach. the sound of your voice was familiar and warm. it made me go a little crazy inside. i missed the sound of it. i wasn't the nicest that day because you called me to ask how i was. you don't have the privilege to call me up and ask me how I'm doing anymore. but then a few days past and i couldn't stop thinking of that phone call. so, i called you. it was like nothing ever happened between us. talking to you just feels right. i am not sure how to explain it. i feel at home. things are so beautiful. but then i get too comfortable and everything is all too familiar and i now I'm sitting here writing about you because i can't get you off my mind.

you broke my heart 3 times now. i can't emotionally afford another heartbreak .

[lettersbyjess]

I’m over you. sad songs don’t hurt anymore. i think of you and don’t long for you back. i’m over you. i finally did it.

i thought i would be sad forever

[lettersbyjess]

You need to start being blunt with yourself. This man broke your heart in a thousand pieces and you continue to allow him to. You haven't spoke to him since he told you he didn't love you anymore yet you still cry over him every damn night. You hear his name and your heart still sinks to your stomach. I'm not saying you can't cry. Let it out. It's essential in order to heal. But honey, this man has destroyed your ability to trust and he put you through the worst pain you have ever felt. He doesn't deserve your love. He had his chance, and he blew it multiple times. I know it hurts, believe me, I do; but you need to stay strong for your well being. You need to love yourself enough to stay away from what is bad for you. Be blunt with yourself and also with reality. Stop letting him ruin your life. I'm sorry to say this but I doubt he gives two shits about what happened. So why should you?

it’s time to move on. For real this time. // @lettersbyjess

[lettersbyjess]

you don’t love me anymore and I’m sitting here wondering why i wasn’t good enough

i just want you to love me still // @lettersbyjess

[lettersbyjess]

after sending countless letters of how much i’m still madly in love with you, and not hearing from you for 70 days, i finally heard back. 5 words that completely sent my heart into my stomach and tears down my face. “i don’t love you anymore.” i feel so stupid, professing my love to you, after everything you’ve put me through. you liar, you cheater, you manipulator. you don’t deserve the least bit of my love. you treated me like absolute shit, but i guess that doesn’t stop me from wanting you back. when i think of you, i think of all the gentle kisses and the way you touched me and how you would do anything for me. that was the beginning of our relationship though, when it was just two kids falling in love. that was before the mistrust, the cheating, the fighting. it’s weird to think how much you actually did love me. it’s weird because those 5 words. i know you loved me. i know that like the back of my hand. but if you really did, how could you fall out of love so quick? i mean, i know it’s been 70 days since i’ve last seen you, or even heard your voice, but our love was so strong. you used to tell me you were going to marry me. we used to make such passionate love. i miss you. i miss you so much that if you were to ever change your mind, i’d drop everything and come back to you. which you don’t deserve. but i would. i really hope and pray that those 5 words aren’t the last words i’ll hear from you.

he doesn’t love me anymore // @lettersbyjess

[lettersbyjess]

the amount i still ache from your absence isn’t normal. why can’t i move on?

it’s been 3 months. // @lettersbyjess

[lettersbyjess]

every night

i wish and pray

to see you in my dreams

because that is the only way

i will ever see you again.

even dreaming of you is a dream // @lettersbyjess