I've been feeling this... resentment build up from this morning. Exam went okay, I did better than yesterday so I'm not really worried. What I am worried about...is my sense of self. I've been thinking about it and I realised that I have been feeling this way because of... little things that keep repeating.
I might sound selfish during this post, but I've decided to not judge myself. Everyone has moments like this, and it's better to just, lay it bare and not judge myself for feeling this way. I guess the first bit was about a person I know. A...close friend? I guess. They keep redirecting every conversation to themselves. I had the capability to listen before, but it's gotten to the point where we'll be talking about something and the conversation just takes a completely unrelated turn. The person who I'm listening to, or it could even be me, doesn't get to finish what was being said. Which sucks.
I feel like a mean person saying this, but it's not just that. They play music out loud all the time and I have to tell them to tone it down all the time, they keep using my waterbottle. Look, the waterbottle one is specific: for some reason, my stomach only tolerates warm water, so I have to go one floor up to get it. I have no problem if you use it, just ASK me. Because by the time I'm really thirsty and need it, there's nothing in it, and I have to go back up again.
There's also that thing where I tend to go alone to get food from the canteen every evening. I go alone because that's my way of decompressing. I'm around people all the time, so that's my only chance to relax, be alone, and breathe. I don't like it when they don't ask and just, invite themselves when I go, nor do I like it when they keep asking me to buy stuff everyday "just because I go out". And all these incidents make me reminded of the time when we all went out together, I tried ordering something less expensive because I was saving money, they ordered something more expensive because they had the money , but in the end, they didn't like their food, so they wanted to split the bill. It still pisses me off when I think about it.
That incident reminds me of how I was the past year. I had my "savings" on hand so I'd pay for a lot of people, because I didn't know how to say no. It's...sad to think of how much I might've spent, because I was too scared to disappoint them. But I guess these are lessons that people find out the hard way.
To conclude, I think that I'm starting to realise #1 my boundaries. I'm starting to not tolerate what I'm not okay with, and that's a good thing. I'm understanding that it is not my place to pay for everybody, and that I allowed to say "I can't pay for you". I'm allowed to have an opinion without overexplaining it. And I'm allowed to have boundaries, even if people aren't a fan of it.
#2 is I'm starting to expect people to give me the same consideration I give other people. I listen, I make space, I try to make them feel heard, and I ask for permission. Ask if they're comfortable. I think I wish for the same treatment. I understand that some people are just, like this, and that they're probably not doing anything wrong. But I am allowed to feel hurt at the inconsideration. At when people cut me or someone else that's talking to me off, at when people don't ask me for permission when they use my stuff, or atleast...have the courtesy to pay for their own stuff, and not make me pay for everything. I think I've become a wiser person, and I feel much better putting this into words.
I don't know what to think of this close friend either, but it's not a life-threatening situation. I'll ponder on it when my exams are over.
