Thinking about Levi dying before you do
After the war ended, both you and Levi continued to live together, sharing the same bed, the same life. It could have been a dream that came true. But cruel fate decided to prove Levi once more that nothing lasts forever, that death might fall upon people at any time, even during the newfound peace. Loved ones could always be lost.
It wasn’t about you, though. Somehow, despite the endless injuries and trauma you had to deal with throughout your life, you lived in perfect health. Still strong, still hardworking, still determined to help rebuild the destroyed world.
It was about Levi. With the Titans gone, the Ackerman power disappeared too. And without it, his fatigued body started to give out on him, unnoticed at first.
Of course, many chores and everyday tasks became challenging due to his damaged leg, but it was bearable. Levi learned to use the wheelchair, although begrudgingly. After a few months of healing, he could walk short distances using a cane, too. It wasn't the end of the world, he liked to remind himself. Because, in fact, the world did not end on that day, so he kept pushing forward.
Time went on, and sometimes it felt as though Levi's age was catching up to him. There were no sudden changes, nothing too concerning - just some less appetite, some more exhaustion. Getting out of bed felt almost impossible at times, each sore muscle begging for more rest. But it was understandable, considering the number of stressful and terrifying events he had to endure in life. He was just tired, that's what he kept telling you every time you asked if something was wrong.
Your worry began to rise after Levi caught flu for the first time, a nasty type at that. You've never seen him this sick, bedridden with a fever high enough to push him to the edge of consciousness. You stayed with him the entire time, applying cold compresses to his overheated skin, trembling hands folded in prayer for him to get better.
Eventually, he did. But it wasn't a full recovery, even though Levi kept stubbornly assuring you that he was fine. Your concerned eyes saw how much paler he got, how his breathing was more shallow than what you remembered. As if the illness didn't really leave, just hid somewhere deep and kept biting from within. You tried to talk about it, but he would just wave you off and kiss you on the forehead to calm you down. It didn't work. His lips were chapped.
From then on, not a single month passed by without Levi getting sick. You knew something was wrong, but he refused to see a doctor, couldn't bring himself to bother them with his state, which wasn't the worst. It was not that bad. Some people needed a doctor much more than he did, and Levi would much rather lie with a raging fever than be an obstacle on someone else's way to health. Because there weren't many doctors left in this world. Because somewhere nearby, a child could be losing their mother to illness, and that's where doctors are needed the most. Not here, next to him.
Pressuring him did no good. The built-up frustration would always end with a fight between you, who wanted to take care of Levi the best you could, and him, who was scared. Of vulnerability. Of weakness. Of the intense worry settled in your eyes.
Levi's wellbeing spiraled downward just a few years later. One of the frequent colds turned to bronchitis. Then to pneumonia. Both of you had a feeling that it was bound to happen, that sooner or later Levi's health issues would take a turn for the worse. But neither could say it out loud, too scared that spoken words might somehow bring the grim future a few steps closer. And then there it was, right there with you, with the doctor who finally came, not because Levi agreed to their visit, but because he couldn’t oppose it anymore. He didn’t have enough energy to speak, shallow breaths being the only sound leaving his dry mouth.
He wouldn't say much even if he could, though. As his state began to deteriorate, he grew more and more distant, trying to push you away. Trying to protect you from the fruitless life you were doomed to have if you stayed with him. You deserved much more than what he could give you, especially now. But you stayed anyway, of course you did. You and your loyalty. Your unconditional love. Levi's chest tightened the more he thought about it. Did he deserve it?
The doctor explained Levi's state to you in a hushed tone, told you that his immune system didn't work properly and couldn't fight the infection. That there used to be effective treatment methods, but the ongoing crisis caused by the rumbling made them completely unavailable. Easing the pain and discomfort was the only thing left. These words cut through your heart mercilessly, but you kept your composure. You had to, for Levi. In order to bring him comfort, you had to fight off the tears, fight off the distance he set between you. You had to be brave, even if it would break you.
And so you spent every waking moment right next to him, no matter how hard it was, no matter how much Levi wished for you to leave and find happiness somewhere else. You kept smiling sweetly, sweeping strands of hair from his face. Proving to him that he could never push you away, you would always find a way right back. It filled him with an overwhelming feeling of gratefulness, but it was bittersweet.
He was forced to face his biggest fear - you being left alone. Without him to look after you anymore, to make sure you were safe. Just you and a huge, still foreign world. He knew you were strong; you could survive anything. So full of empathy, you would easily find support and love in other people. But what if someone hurts you? So many terrible things could still happen. And he wouldn't be there.
These thoughts kept him from sleeping, tormenting him every day and night. But eventually, Levi became too weak to dwell on them, too dizzy to form coherent thoughts or even keep his eyes open. He did his best to concentrate on your presence, your soft hands on his cheeks, quiet whispers into his ear. Sometimes he couldn't tell if he was awake or asleep, your affection being just a part of his dream. Things started to feel diluted, indistinct. He lost track of time and didn't know how long he'd been in this state, stuck between reality and some other, distant place.
One evening, just after the sunset took the last rays of light from the room, Levi suddenly stirred. An urgent need to see you, to take a good look at you, brought him back to his senses immediately. He opened his eyes and searched for you with blurry vision, blinded by the candle burning at his bedside table. You were right next to him, as always, sitting at the edge of his bed, head resting lightly near his chest.
Levi mustered up the strength to take a deep breath and say your name to bring your attention to him. It came out as a quiet croak, but you heard it clearly. As your eyes met, you smiled the most beautiful smile Levi had ever seen. It moved him deeply, made him feel that he had to tell you something, quickly, right then and there. But what could he possibly say when his head was a mess, shreds of thoughts rushing chaotically through his mind? How could he say anything with his mouth completely dry, his tongue tied and numb?
Levi's breath quickened; he felt he had to hurry, even though he didn't know why. Yet still, nothing came to his confused mind, so he just stared helplessly into your eyes. That's when you took his hands into yours and, with the same unwavering smile, told him you love him.
Instantly, Levi calmed down, tensed muscles relaxing.
You love him. Of course you do. Seeing your face, hearing you say these words was all he needed. You love him, and that was all that mattered. He sighed and closed his eyes again, finally content, finally comfortable. You love him, and that was the only thought left in his mind as he drifted off back to somewhere far away.
