All day I felt like sharing something pathetic, expressing and not hiding feelings that could make me appear as needy for approval as I am.
Ofcourse there are a million people worse of than me first of all
So get all of them out of your mind and focus on me āļø
But yeah i have a severe sleeping disorder (just found out that 10-30 percent of the population has chronic insomnia, but most of them are much older as in elderly people so I donāt talk to others a lot who suffer from it). And Iāve had it all my life. As a newborn I had trouble sleeping, just all my life. I was 16 when I didnāt sleep for a week, just dozed off for an hour or two, so eventually I hallucinated, and felt like I was floating and everything moved past me as in a tunnel and I heard mumbling voices, all the while being so desperate for the oblivious state of sleep. Because being so awake, it starts to hurt your senses, the light, and especially the harshness of the people that sense that you are somewhere between there and not there. I am not in the shop to buy bread, I am drifting away. And for some reason all you want then is for everything to be comfortabele and quiet, but the opposite is happening. And every condescending glaze or remark gets deep into your core, because a gateway is open. You become vulnerable. So you hide away as much as possible.
For months, maybe a year, I basically donāt sleep until 5/6 in the morning and itās also slowly getting later so that sometimes itās 7 or even 11 when itās really bad.
And this ofcourse completely influences my life. I am awake at night, but sometimes too tired to go out of bed to even take a sleeping pill, let alone do something productive. I want to sleep at night. But because I donāt I sleep from early morning to 12/13, or 15/16 when I just give in sometimes,
my whole rhythm is reversed. If you think going to bed earlier is the answer, I lie awake until morning. Even when I take a sleeping pill. When the sleeping pill does work I am so fast asleep I donāt hear my alarm, and it takes hours to come out of a daze.
I still am quite productive in the afternoon, evening or night, but I am always either lying down worrying, passed out during the day or running to an appointment which I often have to cancel or that I forget because Iām not very alert or clearheaded.
So I donāt know, sometimes it feels like I am a prisoner of my disorders, my sleeping disorder in this case. Iām not really present, I canāt build something up. Itās just running after the facts often. I mean when I get in a workflow I start so late that I donāt wanna stop and I donāt eat on a regular time and so the whole rhythm of mundane things is all shifting and hurried. Then ofcourse thereās the days that the energy is just gone and I have to recover so nothing gets done, I just sleep or watch Netflix. But those days are often needed and donāt take up too much of my time.
Iām sure that people who have to work 6 or even 7 days a week and make long hours feel the same, but itās a weird thing when you do have more time (I do have many things to do during the week, itās not like I have all time to myself) but you never get to really experience life, no time or energy to see summer turn into fall like now. Itās just sometimes a very tired and hurried glance at the trees, smelling the air, sensing the cold, remembering past experiences, but itās always like ānot now not nowā, cause I donāt have that state of mind.
So itās almost 6 now. Sometimes when you give into the early morning without having had sleep it can turn into something niceā¦.. but itās so disruptive nonetheless. Cause you do have to catch up with the missed hours, and eventually I become weird and tired.
So when I lie in bed at night often my body and mind canāt calm down. I feel everything and I always think that people wouldnāt understand when I tell this but itās like the soft comfortable blanket is burning my skin, while at the same time they remain a soft harmless blanket. Itās like everything stings into me like needles, or itās pulling at me or pushing me away, and it drives me insane. And it really hurts, not because the bed itself is actually painful but my nervous system is so sensitive and honestly just so traumatized still and so raging with anxiety or anger or sadness or loneliness that all touch hurts me. And itās impossible to sleep like that. I barely cry, ever. But Iām on the verge of tears often especially when I have an appointment the next day that I donāt wanna miss but the hours just speed up until itās 3 then 4 then 5, 6 in the morning. And often I would like to get somewhere rested, looking my best. But thatās out of the question, and frankly I sometimes I donāt have the energy or i canāt find the time to take a shower. Itās too daunting, and the mornings are for rushing.
Well on top of that Iāve been through a lot. Some important people in my life have either ignored my needs or actively terrorized me and gave their all to break my spirit. They did not succeed, but at times I do feel like Iām in this cage and the outside world is passing me by. I donāt connect, I just move in it sometimes, like a fox perhaps, both self aware and very vigilant. Always looking out for danger, perhaps still masking now I think of it. Masking weakness, masking anxiety, shyness, paranoia, despair, confusion. With aggression or with manic extroversion, or with a hand held out to help you so youāll appreciate me.
And we are not always guaranteed to be save, but I lack security. You can be aware of your surroundings but steady, strong inside, ready to face something. But I anticipate danger. And that is exhausting too.
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