Here goes... another what could be seen as a futile attempt to try and ease the chaos that’s happening inside my head...
“Why won’t you talk to your friends?”
I mean don’t get me wrong I love my mates to bits and I genuinely do, but there’s just certain things they won’t understand... must be the heterosexuality taking over... I mean how could they understand that falling in love with another man when they’ve been told all their lives that they’ll meet the women of their dreams and everything will be fine... whereas growing up hearing “it was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve” was always bound to have some sort of adverse effect on my life and my perception of love, right?!? So even when I managed to get my head round the whole being gay and my own sexuality there came the next great challnege.... FALLING IN LOVE!! 😅
Sounds easy doesn’t it, you look into your lovers eyes, everything moves around that split moment and nothing else in the world could possibly matter...
Yeah that’s until you mix all of that up with anxiety and depression... or the two huge balls and chains that seem to be getting a lot bigger these days.... the constant nagging of not wanting to try, the persistent voice in the back of your mind that’s screaming “you’ll never be good enough”... but then the inevitable happens and you fall... hook line and sinker... straight down the hatch, right smack bang into the feelings 😭😭
Then you finish and get your heartbroken....
Repeat said process over a few years, mean a few men who you think it could work with but your brain starts hammering the emergency escape hatch, all sirens are screaming, this is it ladies and gents... LOVE... so to avoid the hurt I built up the walls I worked so hard to break down, I rebuilt the emotional barrier and starting pushing away from those I was falling for... abandoning them as soon as feeling became involved because i can’t deal with my own emotional responses, never mind let someone else tell me that they love me or that they even feel something towards me, whether it be plutonic or erotic...
Then here he comes... “the one I can’t have”... the one that can never be mine... now this is a whole new territory... and the reason I can’t have him is because my niece is in love with Him... but suddenly because i cant have him i want him more.
izzy806
areudirty
germansingergirl
theartofmadeline
