♤Lewis♧

TW mental illness, drug use etc. !minors dni! __________________________________________ This is a Diary or whatever and I'm just posting my thoughts. It may be cringe and weird but I'm too tired to be ashamed for any of that

[lewiswearslevis]

I'm starting to let go.

It hurts like hell, it breaks my heart. Well, I mean, it was already broken that's why I need to move on.

Letting go.

And trying for a better future.

[signedthemoon]

— isa b. excerpt from my poem, "it will remain"

[vexheart]

[lewiswearslevis]

I got into an argument

And it's bad. I mean i had worse.

But it's still annoyingly present.

I wish I could live someone else's life and just have it easier.

I wish I was someone else.

I wish I belonged.

I wish someone would like me.

[lewiswearslevis]

It's funny how everywhere, no matter where, to whom, I try to reach out

✨ No one cares ✨

[tenderlypressed]

[lewiswearslevis]

TW: suicidal thoughts, homelessness, hopelessness

I don't know if anything's ever gonna change.

Or if I'm stuck in this weird in-between of past and future, but not now. Will i die coldly or will I find a warm place? I don't wanna freeze.

I'm scared. I want it to get better, to get a home, to feel safe and warm. But I think I lost my hope. My motivation, my survival instinct. There's probably no future for me and I can sit in the snow and freeze.

Some people are heartless.

But I'm tired.

And I just wanna sleep. It's alright if I don't wake up.

What would I do to sleep in my bed again.

[lewiswearslevis]

i want death.

Mine or theirs.

Doesn't matter.

At least one heart needs to stop beating so I can get some peace.

[lewiswearslevis]

I hate them.

I hate everyone.

With their nasty lies and empty promises.

Wasting my time, my emotions, my energy.

For nothing.

Just wasting my time.

Useless fucking bitches.

They force me to be their dumb fucking circus clown or otherwise I can just starve on the streets.

Bastards.

I'm waiting for the day society collapses and I can kill them all, one by one. Slowly, gruesome, splattering.

I HATE THEM

[lewiswearslevis]

I'm hanging in the air.

My future seems uncertain at best, otherwise doomed.

I'm tired. No matter how much I try, I'll stay trapped.

In my own personal hell.

I hope I'll find a way out, i survived until now, but. I'm trying, it seems that I'm finally able to move forwards.

But then there's this hand, holding onto my wrist. Gentle yet firm, pleading me to stay.

I don't know anymore.

[mentalhealthinmetaphors]

What if life was nothing more

Than a battle in an empty field

And I nothing more

Than a soldier in a nonexistent battalion

waiting for the signal

to charge the enemy

who no one can even see?

What if life was nothing more

Than a wave in an unyielding ocean

Waiting to crash on the shore

And I nothing more,

Than the foam upon its crest,

Waiting to diminish

just as quickly as it was given a purpose?

what if life was nothing more

than a stepping stone

in the universe,

and I nothing more than

a lonesome star in an empty galaxy?

what if life was nothing more,

than life itself?

[lewiswearslevis]

I feel as if I can't continue in life.

As if I'm stuck. Whatever I'm saying, it's not reaching anyone I'm talking to. It's almost as if someone put a language barrier between me and everyone else.

They can't understand me, neither my ghost, nor my mind. So what should I do?

I feel as if I'm going against a wall, I'm useless.

[lewiswearslevis]

It's as if there's a mist in my head, that I can't clear. I struggle to hold my thoughts and easily drift away, without any clear thing in mind, just confusion.

Emptiness. Silence.

I don't know what I shall do. I feel like a zombie, stumbling forward without any goal.

[lewiswearslevis]

I'm homeless now

[lewiswearslevis]

Life's not as worse as it seems.

It gets better.

[remanence-of-love]

[nahufragio]

.

[lewiswearslevis]

I know I'm weird. I don't know how to behave. I mean, I don't scream, I don't attract any attention with my behavior but still, I'm weird and can't act normal. I don't know how to walk straight, I don't know how to smile normally, I don't know what to say and what's appropriate. I try to be funny but only confuse the others or get a lecture. There's something wrong with me, but tbh, I'm too tired. I don't wanna try to fit in anymore. The more I change I lose myself and still won't get accepted.

So I'll just try to find myself again. Maybe I'll get some friends, maybe not. Doesn't matter, idk if it even makes a difference.