[lezamy]

Okay

[lezamy]

Well .

[lezamy]

Tired

[lezamy]

I despise being so aware at times

[lezamy]

Well.

[lezamy]

Melting

[lezamy]

Joints. Pains.

[lezamy]

Went down an entire rabbit hole of medical instruments for four hours, sighs.

[lezamy]

I have come in terms with the fact that I will never be understood by another a long time ago, yet sometimes I wonder.

[lezamy]

To be seen

[lezamy]

I have come in terms with the fact that I will never be understood by another a long time ago, yet sometimes I wonder.

[lezamy]

I despise being so aware at times

[lezamy]

I desire to protect as much as I desire to crush, to cradle and to control, to love and to violent — I am assertive to my core and despise submitting to others, let alone allow myself to be vulnerable in front of them

[lezamy]

People constantly seem to misunderstand my words and actions regardless of how i articulate them. No matter how genuine I am, they always believe for it to be fake or come from a place of malice.

[lezamy]

This is something I also fail to understand, it is not the first time it has happened and while I know that i am severely uneducated on how proper friendships/relationships/bonds actually work, it feels like their apprehension is almost natural — a knee-jerk reflex ?

[lezamy]

People constantly seem to misunderstand my words and actions regardless of how i articulate them. No matter how genuine I am, they always believe for it to be fake or come from a place of malice.

[lezamy]

Joints pain

[lezamy]

I wish people would use insects ( moths especially ) as metaphors in their poems/writings. Moths sometimes feed themselves on flesh and blood, some others act as parasites towards other insects ( cicadas, for example ), and so on, though it mostly happens during their " caterpillar " phase.

Adding to that the entire pining ( i forgot the English term once again, sighs ) process a lot of insects are subjected to by entomologists; to preserve one's body after their death is a form of both adulation and adoration in itself, devotion hidden behind the care in handling another's decaying corpse so reverently.

[lezamy]

Reading winter nights again is such a torment

[lezamy]

Being on yanblr can be so paradoxical at times given I most definitely would not be able to fully ever trust anyone, let alone be vulnerable in front of another — let them "see" me for what i truly am, rather than how i perform.

exception apply of course but my standards on trust are rather unconventional (similarly to my standards for anything, to be honest). I cannot trust what is out of my control but I also am aware that I cannot fully control another, yet how could I love what I cannot trust ?

Then again I would have to define "love", which would be. Confusing. Due to my mental issues. I do not yearn for love nor company because I see it as damnation itself, both platonically and romantically as i cannot seem to draw a line between both concepts.

I pride myself in isolation and devoting all my time to constantly learning new things, though part of me sometimes wonder.