My whole life, I have suffered from anxiety. Not like paranoid, afraid to go out of the house anxiety, just anxiety about life in general. As a kid, I was anxious about normal stuff, like whether people would like me, or if I would make friends at school. As I got older, the anxiety became more crippling. I remember being 15 or 16 and cheering at a basketball game. For whatever reason, our captain and co-captain werent there and I was left to call the shots. It was up to me to decide what cheer and dance we would perform at halftime. I should have been excited to have the opportunity to actually choose what we did and have everyone listen to me. Instead, from the moment we took center court and everyone's eyes were on me, I had a panic attack right on that court in front of everyone. I felt that everyone was judging me, that anyone's laughter was directed at me, and surely they could tell I was losing it. Our halftime performance seemed to last forever, but when it was finally over, I ran to the concession stand in the cafeteria where my mom was "working". I told her that I couldnt do this anymore and that I needed to go home. She told me to get a grip on myself and finish out the night. So I had to continue on, panic attack or no. My entire adult life has been riddled with anxiety. The college years were excellent, but the post college years more than made up for the lack of anxiety. I graduated in the middle of the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression, I couldnt find a job, I wasnt sure who I was anymore, or if I even recognized myself, and I sure as hell had no clue what I wanted to do with my life. If that were not enough, I began having severe allergic reactions without knowing what was causing them. Now, I know who I am, what I want out of life, what was causing those scary reactions and have a job, albeit a shitty one. I have found a grad school program I love, and I know that I'll get accepted into the program and will be able to start right away. The only problem is that I am holding myself back simply because I havent written my personal statement yet. Its ridiculous, because I know that I have no problem writing, and was an English minor in college, for God's sake! I am just so scared that I wont be able to handle the work, and if I cant, I am screwed. I have no other great career options at the moment, and now that I have finally found a program that I'm excited about, I'm so afraid that I will try to sabotage my own success. I mean, technically, I already am by keeping myself from completing the application. I hate when I do this shit to myself because a) I really thought I had outgrown this self-sabotage bullshit, b) I feel like its such a cowardly thing to do. At least someone strong would be able to stare their problems down and deal with them right there. Not me. I like to push shit under the rug and hope it stays buried, but secretly beat myself up for it. And finally c) because it convinces me that my life and myself will amount to nothing. I know that im at a crossroads here. If I expect to get anything decent from this life, im gonna have to work my ass off for it. I will have to continue on with school. But god, the future is so scary. So I need your help here. Anyone who may read this blog and know what it is like dealing with an anxiety disorder as a crutch, or anyone who reads this and just would like to give me words of encouragement, that would be great. Im so afraid of becoming a fuck up and a failure, especially of my own doing, that im doing something I never do: reaching out for support. This blog post started out entirely different than its become. But please. Help me get my life out of the toilet.
andulkaphoto
izzy806
kianamaiart
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