Well it turns out that nothing is permanent, at least for now. After swimming in the emptiness of existence for about a week, I felt pulled back into contraction. At first fear showed up, even though emptiness was heavy and lonely, I didnât want to be pulled back into suffering. My ego was still trying to claim the experience. Then I realized that I probably still have issues to resolve and wounds to heal. Back in January when I had my first true glimpse of the truth, I proceeded to fall back into ego perspective and inevitably suffered. But in hindsight I realize that I was purging old emotions and unhealed wounds. This was not a mistake, this was exactly how it was supposed to go. And so this time I didnât struggle as much when I noticed that once again I had left the state of transcendence.
As it turns out, I have âcoincidentallyâ been in contact with an old flame for the past two months. And once again I cannot deny the obviousness and the beautiful genius of existence bringing me exactly what I need. At first I wasnât sure how this reunion was going to unfold, but as the days have progressed we have again run into the same old familiar issues. I realize now that this is a perfectly timed opportunity, to close this chapter once and for all. However, saying goodbye is bringing up some sad emotions and I can feel myself resisting these feelings. There is the old ego voice, afraid of getting sucked into identification if I give into the pain. Itâs like nowadays I simultaneously experience the perspective of the absolute and the relative. The old ego thoughts and patterns still come up and I can see them very clearly, which makes it almost impossible to lie to myself. But it also means that sometimes I feel confused, or I should say the ego feels confused by what it should think and do. And yet at the same time I mostly experience very clear guidance.
I know that this is whatâs meant to happen and that we have been brought back together for proper closure. I also know that there is still a part of me which keeps running from emptiness. I have noticed for example that I have become quite the workaholic lately. I have a lot of energy and I just canât seem to sit still. I want to constantly be moving or doing. Itâs okay though, I know I will exhaust myself at some point again.
So as to where I am at the moment, itâs hard to say. Somewhere between ego land and emptiness. Sometimes there is a feeling of completeness and a whole lot of love flowing inside me. Other times I actually physically feel contracted and I am suffering. I believe these are the ego identifications being brought up and old wounds being healed to be able to completely let go into consciousness, god or myself.
For the past few months there have been many moments where I wanted to write, but I just couldnât find the words to describe my experience. Up until a certain point I had control and I knew where I was going; towards enlightenment. I was seeking like crazy and nothing else in the whole world seemed to matter. Then during last January (2017) I realized that all of my seeking and running towards, was actually a running away from the truth. For a brief moment I let go of all my beliefs and expectations and the truth presented itself.
For a while I was living in bliss, experiencing life as the witness. There was a distance between âmeâ and experience, which gave me a huge relief and brought me peace. I could zoom out and realize it was all illusion. Slowly however, I started to feel myself leaving this space. It would scare me so much, because leaving to me meant going back to suffering. And so I tried to hold on. Sometimes the mind would get very loud and I would feel disconnected and hopeless. I struggled with holding on, until I got swept up by life again. I fell in love and let go of trying to hold onto truth.
Truth never truly left me and my life and my perspective never fully returned to the way it was. Yet my awakening was of the unabiding nature as Adyashanti puts it so well, meaning that it wasnât permanent at the time.
Falling in love inevitably led to my heart breaking and I found myself suffering again. It was very confusing, because I couldnât understand how I could be making the same stupid mistakes as before my awakening. The suffering got so bad and I found myself in a very dark place, also referred to as the dark night of the soul. I started to doubt everything, had I every truly experienced an awakening? What was the point of truth if it would lead me to even greater suffering? Thankfully the universe sent me guidance and it restored my faith. Faith helped me to open up and fully experience my pain and suffering. (Iâm being very brief here because I want to talk about something else and still give you guys a short update.)
After the dark night of the soul passed, I found myself with a lot of kundalini energy. I would workout intensely in order to try and process this energy. It started to feel like I was running from something. I couldnât sit still, I was constantly doing, meeting friends, working, studying, eating, shopping. I couldnât stop. And at the same time I could feel that I was running. This kept going until I got tired, I became so exhausted with running that I started to slow down. Eventually I found myself crying out: I am exhausted, I donât want to run anymore. Whatever is supposed to happen, please let it happen. If I need to die, kill me.
The next day I was walking around some shops and suddenly I felt myself sink into an emptiness, I had experienced this before and it had always scared me. Now finally I could let myself experience it and I found myself in an unknown place, an emptiness had washed over me and there was no me left. Itâs so difficult to describe this experience, since it is so abstract to the mind. There were multiple things happening at the same time. I realized I was nothing, and so were all the other egos. I found myself mourning my own death. I had invested so much in this person I thought I was and I still loved the illusion of her. After a while I found myself also mourning the death of everyone around me, I realized that my parents never really existed and that my gurus didnât either. I would feel grief and I would have intense moments of crying (I am still mourning actually). Sometimes I could feel the despair of my mind trying to recreate itself as a person, but there was simply no energy left to believe in the illusion again.
The experience of emptiness is a very lonely experience. When you realize that you donât truly exist as an ego and therefore nobody else exists, you find yourself all alone in the universe. You canât really talk to anyone about this, because most people would think you are insane and because you realize that there is no one else to talk to, since no one actually exists. Sometimes the mind would try to take me back to illusion and I knew it would be a relief to escape the heavy loneliness of emptiness. And yet I found myself continuing to rest in this place.
A few nights ago I was at a concert with a big crowd of people, again I found myself sinking deep into emptiness and I let myself drown. Then something new happened, for the first time this heavy emptiness expanded and suddenly I felt myself as everyone. I felt the true oneness of life. I realized that yes we are all nothing, but at the same time I am walking around in myself. I am the whole universe and the nothingness, for the first time I experienced this strange and magnificent paradox. I was walking around thinking about hugging people and at the same time I knew nothing mattered. Everyone is me and so I am complete. There is no where to go and no one to tell this to, since everyone is me. There is nothing outside of me that I need or that could bring me happiness. Itâs all me.
I never imagined that this would be enlightenment, for a long time I was seeking to be special, to be unique. And spirituality would bring me there. But spirituality took away my self and simultaneously my need to be special.
I am still processing everything and I am still mourning my own death and the death of everyone else. Itâs a sad place having to conceptually say goodbye to all of my loved ones and my cherished gurus, but I understand that there is no way around it.
PS. I do not write with non dual language, I refer to myself as me and I, because itâs just easier. After all we also live in the relative world and I think you all understand what Iâm saying, which is what matters.
So about 2 months ago I had set myself a challenge: not to ask for any advice for the entirety of a month (June). So what did I learn:
That asking for confirmation of my choices has become so automatic, I sometimes barely notice Iâm doing it.
That I use asking advice as a way to hear my own thoughts out loud and thus to get more perspective.
That mostly I know what I truly want and itâs fear that stops me from making the choice, not my inability to choose.
At the beginning I caught myself a few times asking for advice and completely forgetting about the challenge. As the month went on, I became more aware and forced myself to make my decisions alone. This mostly ended up in me making the choice I was going to make anyway, just without anotherâs reassurance.
Towards the end of the month however, I noticed that I was becoming annoyed with the challenge. Sometimes I didnât see the value in making a decision on my own, especially as some big life shifts were happening. For example, I had signed up for an apartment and suddenly received an e-mail inviting me for a viewing (at this time I was living with my mom). As soon as I stepped through the door, I knew I wanted the house. It just had an amazing energy and it was beautiful. Even though I already knew I was going to say yes to the house I still consulted my parents and my sister, it seemed like the mature thing to do. This was about a week before the end of the challenge and I figured I had tried it enough (to be honest I was getting frustrated with the challenge).
The challenge also showed me that I have a subconscious belief that asking for help means I am being responsible, because I am considering all the options. Which in a way is true, itâs like when I needed a new printer and I made sure to do my research before picking one (this might have been 3 days of nonstop researching XD). In the end though I picked the best price/quality combination and felt like I had made the best choice available. Obviously though research doesnât apply to all areas of life. Sometimes we need to dive in, experience and learn on our own. Learn our own truth. Because with matters of the heart and when dealing with people we are never going to find a one size fits all approach.
In conclusion I would say that I definitely ask for less advice now, I am learning to trust myself more, but at times I do find it valuable to see from anotherâs perspective. I believe that as long as we are moving towards more self-trust, asking for different perspectives can be helpful. However we must keep our true desire in mind as we are looking from otherâs perspective, we should be careful not to lose our own voice. The advice should lead us to choices we feel in our heart to be right.
âDon't listen to people who tell you what to do. Listen to people who encourage you to do what you know in your heart is right.â
Itâs a process like all other aspects of growth, being aware and working towards better choices is all we can do. We canât be perfect and we donât need to be.
Send me a message and share your experiences with me about making choices and asking advice, Iâd love to hear from you!
PS. I said yes to the house and moved out a month later đ
About a month ago I decided to stop dating, because I realized that I kept repeating the same dating pattern. Even though I felt ready to share my life, I kept meeting emotionally unavailable men that were not interested in a real commitment.
So, here we are about 4 weeks later and some interesting things have been happening. About a week into my non-dating challenge, I noticed that I was thinking about several of my exes. I caught myself looking at their social media and even hoping to hear from them. These are exes that I no longer have any feelings for whatsoever. And so when I noticed this I was quite surprised, why the hell am I interested in this person again?
I realized I am interested in them, because I canât have them. Since they had also become off limits, they were suddenly interesting to me. And then it hit me, I have always been obsessed with either a goal, an object or a person. All my life I have been chasing something, with the hope that it will bring me happiness. As long as there is something I can chase, I can keep fooling myself that happiness is something to strive for. And THIS is the reason why I canât let go of Alex. This is why I canât let the hope go, that he is going to come back and profess his love for me. I keep hoping, because I honestly believe that I need to keep chasing something.
Suddenly I became aware of how false this belief is. I looked back at my life and at all the things I had obsessed about, that I eventually got. The time when I was 13 and obsessed with buying a Haley Duff album, my first boyfriend that I was obsessively in love with for months before getting together, all the pairs of shoes I had obsessed about before buying, my obsession with being skinnier and the time I lost about 15 kg.. and the list continues.. I looked back at these experiences and I understood something: the fantasy happiness that my obsessions promised, had always remained a fantasy. The Duff album had made me happy for a week, my first relationship had become ânormalâ very quick, all my shoes had become just another pair in my closet and my ânew and improved bodyâ was no longer something special. In each and every case, the experience I had obsessively chased quickly became yet another normal experience. Everything had always lost its initial joy and I had always returned to my habit of chasing something new.
No person and no object has ever brought me true and lasting happiness. And so I saw very clearly, that my obsession with Alex is just another fantasy. I think he will make me happy, because I am addicted to the chase. Itâs based on the false belief that happiness is something I need to chase, something in the future and never here and now.
Seeing this belief clearly, instantly helped me to release my obsession and all of the hope I was holding onto. However, seeing through this core belief also sent me into a short depression. For about a week I felt a certain contraction in my stomach and I had no energy to do anything. I just wanted to lay in bed and be by myself. If there is nothing worth chasing, what am I supposed to do in life?
I am so used to chasing, that when this mechanism fell away, I felt like there was nothing to live for. I wasnât depressed in a suicidal kind of way, it felt more like an energetic resting. It was like I needed to process my new understanding and almost like I was mourning my old ways of living. Since the self-realization in January, I feel very guided. Often, I will go through a specific experience and at the same time I will know why itâs happening. This time I also knew, I need to give myself some space and the next step will become clear with time.
After a week of processing I started to feel better and my life energy was returning. Then I saw Alex again on several occasions, because we have some mutual friends. The first few times I felt fine. Sometimes I noticed I was still thinking about whether he was looking at me, but it wasnât too obsessive. Then after seeing him a few times, I noticed he started to like my social media stuff again and this rekindled some of my hope. After that, we met again during another mutual friend meeting, where I didnât expect him to be. And to my surprise I noticed I was very aware of his presence again and whether he was paying attention to me. This made me so frustrated, why does this keep continuing even though I clearly see the belief?! And then this knowing that has been guiding me whispered: perhaps the belief has not yet lost all of its power. Itâs being triggered again so you can really let it go. And itâs true. I must admit that I have started to pursue things again, because somehow the here and now doesnât feel enough. This canât be it, happiness must be somewhere out there.
Itâs so ridiculous to admit this, because intellectually I realize that itâs not true. But as with all of my beliefs and life lessons, I have learned that the first step is always to become conscious of it. Then, only after seeing the dysfunctional mechanism for a while, the real change will show up in life. I realize that for now I am seeing this belief and that it might take me some time to completely let it go. As frustrating as that is, I need to accept the way things are. What other choice do I have really? Reality is already the way it is and fighting it only creates unnecessary suffering.
No longer chasing things for happiness, means we get to do things for the pure joy of doing them. Itâs not about any desired outcome. Itâs like how an artist sings a song just for the pure joy of singing, he isnât singing to get to the end of the song. I feel something in me is still fighting to let go of this belief because it wants to keep chasing. Itâs the ego that keeps fighting, because it can only survive by struggling and chasing. If there is no struggle and no problem that needs to be fixed, what remains? What remains is this moment, right here and now.
For now I see this mechanism, and I know that it doesnât have a lot of time left if I can see it so clearly. After awakening the ego and its beliefs still have momentum, but this will slowly come to a stop. On the one hand I canât wait for the struggle to end and on the other hand âIâ am terrified of completely stopping here and now. I know that letting go of the constant chase, means that the ego will really die. There will be nothing left for it to hold onto. Regardless of how I feel about it though, the process of the ego eroding away has started and I know there is no way back.
I hope you are doing well, wherever you are on your journey.
Every phase of my life has always had a certain theme. Sometimes it has been about forgiveness, sometimes about self love, other times about learning to let go etc... One of the themes I have grown to love and really appreciate, is the theme of honesty. Being honest, TRULY HONEST, with myself has not always been easy. But the more I learn to love myself, the easier it becomes to admit the truth. When you donât judge yourself for your thoughts and behaviors, it becomes easier to come out of hiding. We donât need to be in denial, if we can accept our own shadow side.Â
âLove is accepting whatâs going on, without forcing yourself to like it.â - Benjamin Smythe
(Benjamin Smythe is amazing btw, watch this.) Love does not mean that you like being sad, depressed or angry, it just means that you love the one who is experiencing it. Love can express itself as compassion. As I mentioned in an earlier post, when we are in pain we are in desperate need of love. And so when we proceed with love, we have the capacity to look at our self and our life with complete honestly. This is necessary if we want to change and grow.
And so I must confess, that looking at my past relationships, it has always been about taking. Letâs take Alex for example, the last guy I dated. If Iâm completely honest, I have to admit that my desire to be with him, was based on feeling good. I wanted him to be around, because he gave me that special gooey feeling. It wasnât even so much our conversations, or what I could add to his life. It was just that he made me feel good. I wanted him around for my own selfish reasons. Thatâs not love. And so I canât even get upset really, at the fact that he didnât want to commit. Because really, I wasnât looking for true sharing either.
True sharing, wanting to experience life with someone, is something you add to your life. Itâs not someone who comes around to make you feel happy. They are not completing you and you are not completing them. You are both adding something extra to each others life. Thatâs love. And thatâs not what I wanted from Alex. I wanted him to fulfill a lack in me, which he, nor anyone else could ever fulfill. That incomplete feeling, that hole in your heart, that can only be filled by your own love and acceptance. Yes all of that cheesy stuff is actually true.
Admitting your true motives for wanting someone in your life can be uncomfortable, but also very freeing. We can only work on something that we admit to, and dare to look at. It actually makes me a little sad thinking about this. Itâs almost like I imagine him to be this fragile butterfly that I was trying to stuff in a cage. I was trying to hold onto him for my own happiness, with complete disregard for his happiness. If someone doesnât want to be in a relationship with you, and you try to force them into it, you are not acting out of love. Love will never force. Love always gives freedom. Itâs fear that tries to hold onto the butterfly.
Are you being truthful about your relationships? Or is there someone youâre trying to stuff in a cage, for your own happiness? Maybe itâs time to let go of that ex that doesnât want to be with you. No matter how painful it is. If you truly love someone, you will set them free.
As for Alex, I am sorry, I wish you all the love and freedom on your journey â€Â
So recently I committed to a no-dating-June&July- challenge. It has been about 2 weeks and I must say, so far so good. Itâs like removing the option for a certain desire, calms the desire down altogether. Since it is not an option for now, I feel relaxed and focused on myself. I have been processing the break up more and I feel better with each day.
Now, I have been observing something recently, mostly in myself, but also in the people around me. It seems like weâre always looking for approval of our decisions. Constantly asking each other for a second opinion, even though deep down we already know what we should do. Itâs just that we havenât developed enough trust in ourselves. Sometimes these pieces of advice even confuse us more than anything else.. They actually cloud our own intuitive judgment.
And so, I have decided to play: Alone in the world for 1 month.
The rules are very simple.
I am not allowed to ask anyoneâs advice or opinion on anything. This could be outfit advice, what I should eat or whether I should move to Yemen (who knows what can happen in a month). No matter how trivial or huge the decision is that comes up during the whole month of June, I wonât ask anyone for help. Itâs like I am alone in the world and there is no one to fall back on, just me and my intuition. I am curious to see what happens. Perhaps itâll result in a clearer intuition, perhaps Iâll go crazy, who knows.
The biggest reasons why you resist your pain and how to heal
Throughout this break up I have found myself resisting my emotions at times. Sometimes I would notice I was eating a lot, other times I would feel the urge to shop or to go out with friends. Sometimes these urges would seem so normal, I didnât even think that I was suppressing anything. But there was always an undercurrent of restlessness in these moments.
This universe is an energy based place, which means that resistance only creates persistence. And so I started observing these moments to understand why I resist my painful emotions. What I found was that the biggest reason I resist my grief is because I believe:
1. If I allow myself to grieve, it means that my ex has power over me.
Let me explain.
About a week ago I was sitting on my bed and I was supposed to be studying, but I felt restless and distracted. I wanted to study but I just couldnât get myself to focus. After a while of struggling I decided to take a break, I put on some music and suddenly a wave of sadness came over me. Surprised by my own unexpectedness I burst out crying. However, almost immediately I noticed a thought coming up repeatedly:
Fuck him, he is not worth this. He doesnât deserve my tears. He is not worth my pain, Iâm not going to cry over this.
I was so struck by this thought. This is why I keep resisting these emotions! I believe that by allowing myself to cry and be sad about the break up, I am giving him power over me! I was so shocked by this belief, that apparently had been subconsious all this time.
Somehow we believe that grieving and pain is about the other person. But this is definitely not the case. Grief is about YOU. Let me give you a weird example.
Imagine that you are riding your bike and a car hits you. You fall down and you see that both your knees are bleeding heavily. You are not gonna get up and pretend that youâre not in pain, in order to show how strong you are.
Fuck you driver, Iâm gonna show you Iâm stronger than this, watch me walk away unharmed.
This might seem like a strange example, but psychological pain is comparable to physical pain. Your heart also needs time to recover and heal.
Allowing your heart time to heal means: allowing your emotions to come up to be released. Just like with a real wound, it needs time to bleed so that all the dirt can come out.
âYou yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.â -Buddha
In times when our heart is breaking, we need all the love we can get, from ourselves. You have to be there for yourself, spend some time alone so you can heal. This is what it means to love yourself. Itâs like you are the parent to your own heart. If your child were to fall down and hurt herself, you would pick her up, give her your attention, let her cry and hug her lovingly. This is exactly what your heart needs from you. It needs your love and attention. by suppressing your pain, you are turning your back on your wounded child.
No wonder we feel so unloved, the person that needs to love us the most, leaves when we are wounded and bleeding. You donât need another person to come and love you. The person you are desperately waiting for is your SELF.Â
Another part of why we resist our pain, is SHAME.
2. If I allow myself to grieve, it means that I have failed.
I noticed that I was feeling ashamed of being hurt, as if I had made a mistake. I felt like I had let my guard down, I had failed by caring about another person. Which honestly sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud. Relationships, like any other area of life, can require trial and error. We meet people and we have certain experiences in order to grow. And by growing, we also learn what we want in life.Â
âThe truth is that it hurts because itâs real. It hurts because it mattered.â - John Green
Caring about another person is not failure. Being able to open your heart to let another person in, takes courage. Even if this turns out not to be the person for you, it shows youâre capable of loving, of giving to another. This is something beautiful. You should be proud of yourself for wanting to share love. If it doesnât work out, it just means you two werenât meant to be together at this point in time. This takes nothing away from your beautiful capacity to care. Heartbreak means you were willing to risk your heart. I know of nothing more courageous than that.
3. Wash your mouth please
Words have an immense power over us. By choosing the wrong words, we assign an incorrect meaning to the situation. This can cause further pain that is unnecessary. For example I caught myself thinking of this break up as a failure. I was telling my sister, oh yeah itâs okay I failed, but I have learned from this relationship. She looked at me and said, donât say it like that! Itâs not a failure, itâs an experience. By changing one word, I immediately felt better.
There really is no such thing as failing at anything in life. We can try and learn. But everything is just experience. There is no specific way in which everything has to be. There is a difference between what we consider to be (earthly) success and what the universe considers to be success. Success to the universe is not, never being in pain. We might consider avoiding as much pain as possible as victory, but it really isnât. Pain in life is inevitable. It helps our heart to become softer. It makes us more compassionate, wise and kind. So be careful of what words you are using to describe your experience.
It is so important to be present with our pain. By healing ourselves and filling our own hearts with love, we develop the capacity to help heal the rest of the world as well. Just donât forget not to wallow in your pain. Donât hold onto it. Be present with it, and when you start to feel better, let go of the darkness. Be very honest with yourself whether you are still in pain or whether it is you who needs to let go of the pain.
Why you keep attracting emotionally unavailable partners
For a long time I didn't understand why I kept attracting unavailable partners. I especially didn't understand why I was attracted to these men that were making me miserable.
In order to break a pattern, you need to become aware of it and understand why it keeps happening. Awareness is always the first step towards change.
Why do you fall for these unavailable partners?
1. To feel good about yourself:
When you are attracted to someone who isn't willing to be all in, someone who won't even commit to a relationship, it is likely you're trying to convince them to love you.
This person is basically saying they only want a part of you and therefore they are rejecting the rest of you. You want nothing more than for them to call you up and say: "I've seen the light, I'm all in, let's make babies". You think that if this were to ever happen it would PROVE that you are good enough, it would mean you are lovable and worthy. You will have finally found someone who wants to love you despite all your (self-perceived) flaws.
What you are actually looking for, your "end goal", is to feel good about yourself. You crave to feel completely accepted.Â
2. You reject your own needs:
The way you judge yourself is also how you judge other people. For a long time I thought being strong meant not needing people, and so I rejected my own need for love and intimacy. When I met men that showed me their need for love and affection I would get turned off. Needs equaled weakness to me. I couldn't accept their needs, since I wouldn't accept my own. Consequently, I was only attracted to men who didn't need me and were not emotionally invested in the relationship.
Think about how you have been judging yourself and which of your needs you've been rejecting. It can be helpful to examine what turns you off in a partner.Â
3. You have linked love to pain:
Ever since my really painful breakup I keep meeting unavailable men. I now realize that I might be unavailable myself. Subconsciously I have linked relationships to intense pain. And even though I say I want a relationship, my subconscious is avoiding love like the plague. Your subconscious is trying to look out for you and guide you in the direction of pleasure instead of pain. All of the decisions we make in life are to gain pleasure or to avoid pain.
Maybe your last relationship was really painful? Perhaps your partner hurt you really bad? As a result, you now have this subconscious belief that people will hurt you and that relationships equal pain. A lot of the beliefs we have about life are subconscious. It's very important to become aware of these beliefs in order to be able to break these toxic patterns.
How can you break the pattern?
1. Cut out the middleman:
You think by convincing someone to love you, you will prove that you are worthy and finally be able to feel good about yourself. However, this other person is only the middleman, you don't need them to feel good about yourself. Instead focus on accepting who you truly are and love this person. Make this your goal instead of waiting for someone else to be convinced of your worth. Remember that we attract the love we think we deserve. The world is always mirroring our inner world. If you only accept some parts of yourself, you will continue to attract partners that only accept and want some parts of you.
âEverything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.â â Iyanla Vanzant
2. What language do you speak:
According to counselor Gary chapman there are 5 love languages, basically these are the 5 ways that people speak and understand love.
Words of Affirmation: You want your partner to use their words to express love, affection and appreciation
Acts of Service: You like partners who show their love with their actions
Receiving Gifts: Â You feel most loved when your partner gives you gifts as an expression of their love
Quality Time: You want your partner to show their love with undivided attention.
Physical Touch: Your enjoy affection through physical touchÂ
I have realized for example that I feel most loved when my partner is physically affectionate, he uses words to express his love and we spend a lot of time together. What are your love needs, when do you feel most loved? Be honest about what you want, don't be ashamed of your needs.
Finally commit to a partner that uses the same love language, or someone who is willing to learn your love language.Â
3. Get yourself a new mirror:
When someone truly isn't willing or ready to commit, pretty much nothing you do will change their mind. This is because it really isn't about you. You are both each otherâs mirror. This means that if he doesn't accept himself completely, he will not be able to love all of you. This person isn't in a place to give and receive the kind of love you want. This is all about the relationship they have with themselves.
If you want to meet someone who is truly available and ready to commit, you need to become that type of person yourself. Be the type of person you want to attract and you will see a different image in your world mirror.Â
âIt is not possible to love someone enough to get them to stop hating, and being unavailable, to them self.â â Robert Burney
4. Invest wisely:
In order to really break this pattern you need to take action. The next time you meet someone, be aware of this person's intentions. What are they looking for? If you are looking for a commitment and all the signs are showing you that this person isn't looking for the same thing, you need to cut contact. Immediately. Let them know that you are in different places right now, otherwise you risk becoming emotionally invested. And once that happens you will find yourself living in hope land again.
Also, instead of listening to what they tell you, look at what they show you. Actions scream what words hide. If someone talks about wanting a relationship, but then disappears for 3 days, itâs obvious this person is not genuine.
It all comes down to getting to know yourself. Learn to accept who you are, you don't need anyone elseâs approval to be yourself. And realize that you deserve to experience whatever you desire. I am currently also still in the process of learning to value and truly love myself. And I also realize that things donât always work out according to our time schedule. Sometimes the universe has a different plan for our lives and all we can do is have faith and let go of desiring a specific outcome.
How to let go of your ex once and for all (even if it feels impossible)
It took me nearly 3 years to get over my ex boyfriend. If you have ever been through a breakup, you know it is one of the hardest most heart-wrenching things to go through.
After weeks of fighting, the day came where there was no other option than to break up. When he left my house that day I felt like he had ripped off a piece of my soul. I had loved this man with all my heart, it was a raw all consuming intense kind of love. I couldnât grasp the reality of what had happened. My best friend came over and I was just lying there with lykke liâs song possibility on repeat. I had cried for hours and there was no life left in my eyes.Â
For the first few months after the breakup I was in denial and I went into party mode, but not dealing with the pain slowly started to take its toll. And eventually (also because of some other factors) I fell into a deep black depression that would last for about a year. After the depression it still took me a long time to completely let him go.
It was the hardest and most valuable experience of my life.
So what helped me to let him go?
1. Accept reality:
I remember one day sitting on my sisters bed and complaining about how I wanted to stop thinking about him. I was more than sick of being hung up on him. She looked up and very firmly said, first admit you are still in love with him. I was shocked, Iâm not in love with him anymore I cried out. I was.
The first step is admitting where you are. You still love this person. And thatâs okay. Being hard on yourself for the way you feel, means you are rejecting your emotions and so you will not be able to process them. The next step is to decide that you truly want to move on. You have to want to move on, more than you want to be with him. You have to fight your way through the pain and tears, because you deserve to be happy. Then you have to be willing to experience the pain of letting go. You have to accept your emotions and process them. This could mean writing down all your feeling, locking yourself in your room and crying as much as you want. Give yourself permission to go through these emotions that want to be released. Â
Then comes the hardest part, you have to give up hope. The biggest reason why I couldnât let my ex go was because I would not let go of hope. In my mind it was only a matter of time before he would call me and we would get back together. I used to come up with excuses why he hadnât called yet, he was probably still working on his issues and sorting his life out first. He wasnât ready for a real relationship. BULLSHIT. He might still think about you, he might even still care about you, but what really matters is what he is doing about it. And if the answer is NOTHING, then none of it matters. When hope is based on a fantasy it can destroy your life. In the end I forced myself to look at reality. He had not called me for almost 3 years. We would never get back together.
So completely focus on yourself, find out what you truly enjoy. What do you still want to experience in the world? Time is passing us by. We are here to experience life and all of its ups and downs, donât let this one down knock you out of the field for too long.
3. Choose your happiness:
You have to be very honest about whether you want to be happy. I used to think about all the mistakes I thought I had made. If only I had acted a little different we would still be together. If only I had different needs then it would have worked. Yes if I had the same needs as he had, it might have worked. But that person would not be me. I accepted that this is the type of person I am and these are the needs I have. I enjoy a lot of physical affection for example and I want to spend a lot of time with the people I love, especially my partner. These are not insane needs that no one can fulfill, there are millions of people out there who have the same desires in a relationship. Now I could ignore my needs and force myself to be with this person, but for what? Isnât the reason I want to be with him, because I think he makes me happy? Well if he isnât meeting my needs, it means I am not happy in this relationship. His needs are not going to change overnight and neither are mine. If I want to be with him, it means I canât be myself, I canât be happy. I had to make a choice between my own happiness and this person. I decided my happiness will always be more important than any man.Â
4. Take away the crown:
I had fallen head over heals in love with this man and after the breakup I continued to put him on a pedestal. I had a very selective memory. I only remembered all the times he made me feel beautiful and the deep conversations we had. I remembered how safe he made me feel. But I had âforgottenâ all the heartbreaking times I had waited for his call that would never come, or all the times he made me feel unlovable. I was clinging to a fantasy man and a fantasy relationship. I was in love with his potential, with the man I thought he could be. But in reality he wasnât this man and he didnât want to be. I had made him into a king and no other man could compare. I had to be honest with myself and take away the crown.
What fantasy image have you created of this person? Are you looking at who they really are, or are you thinking about who they could be and how great the relationship could be. Maybe you are clinging to who this person was at the beginning of the relationship and you hope it will be like that again. But thatâs not reality. If you are in love with this personâs potential, you are in love with a fantasy. And fantasies rarely come to life.
5. Rejection is redirection:
At first it was difficult for me to accept the breakup, because I had linked the failed relationship to my worth as a woman. To me the breakup meant I wasnât pretty enough, my cooking wasnât good enough and I probably wasnât funny enough. I had to change myself in order to be worthy. WRONG. Obviously I was young and I had made mistakes, we both had. However I have since come to see that everything happens for a reason, and life will always be changing. Some people are meant to leave your life because their part in your story has come to an end. We are all worthy and no rejection can change that. I became aware that part of the reason this breakup was so painful, was because I had made it mean something painful. I had assigned a totally wrong meaning to the situation. Once I let go of this meaning it was much easier for me to accept the breakup.
What painful meaning have you given to your experience?
Accept that you are going through this, donât think that this isnât supposed to happen. Donât resist the situation. Instead let the experience in. Let the emotions in. It is these tough experiences that build character. Itâs these hopeless dark days that will truly make you appreciate the happy days. This too shall pass. Nothing is forever and you will get through this.
Why you canât stop making mistakes in relationships
So after another ground hog day relationship I decided I was done with dating for at least 2 months. This decision seemed to calm me down quite a bit. I sometimes do find myself doubting this challenge. Some of my girlfriends also tried to convince me not to try it, because I should just go with the flow of life. But I remind myself, that I am following my intuition and that has always worked out well for me. Sometimes we are not able to see the full picture and so we need to have faith in something bigger than our ego.
However I would continue to think about how I had handled the whole situation and I would get upset about it. I should have had more control over my emotions. I should have acted differently. I should have said the right things. Then everything would have worked out between us. Until I realized something that set me free.
No matter how hard I wished that I was emotionally stronger and better at handling dating. I am not. Right now this is where I am, and this is how far I am emotionally. Then it hit me: We canât skip any steps.
I was upset because
1. I was judging myself for my thoughts, feelings and behaviours.
2. I felt like pain meant something had gone wrong
3. I felt like I could have prevented the situation by being better
But in every situation we are doing our best. I realized that throughout the whole experience I had tried my best to be strong. I had tried so hard to make everything go well. And yet it had not worked out between us. I had shown my weak side at some point. And I realized, this is exactly what is supposed to be happening. We canât prevent ourselves from making mistakes, because we are not supposed to.
We all want to be mentally strong and to always make the perfect decisions. But we all make mistakes, because thatâs how we learn. By doing it wrong, we learn to act differently. The pain is there to transform and teach us.
I realized that even though I had made mistakes, this time I had stepped out of this non-commitment situation within 2 months. Whereas before it had taken me 3 years to break up with my ex and another 3 years to move on.
So we canât skip making mistakes, all we can do:
1. Is to be aware of our patterns
2. Strive to grow and make better decisions with every new situation
3. Be compassionate with ourselves, because we are trying our best
Like with all things in life, everything has a certain learning curve. If we want to be a chef we need to start by learning how to cook rice. Everything has steps and we cannot skip the process of learning. All we can do is try our hardest and be willing to learn. I realized I am learning and growing, and I cannot be upset at myself for falling down. I need to get back up and love myself even more, especially when I am hurting. And this pain does not mean that something has gone wrong. No, this pain is meant for me and it is exactly what I am supposed to experience right now. This is my journey, and even though I might not always understand it, everything is for me and for the wellbeing of all.
âEven when I'm embarrassed by my actions, I deserve more love, not less. We all deserve more love, not less.â - Matt Kahn
After a long spiritual journey of seeking for enlightenment, on January 17th 2017, it happened. I let go so completely that I saw the truth, or rather, the I that was searching disappeared. (At some point I will write the full story of my awakening.) What I have realized since, is that seeing emptiness isnât the most important part. Itâs the part that comes after, that is the real spiritual journey. Itâs often referred to as âthe returnâ. After you realize who you truly are, truth seems to move to the background (this is quite confusing and frustrating at first). This is when all of your limiting beliefs, wounds and ego triggers come to the surface to be healed.
This is the part where I am at now. It has been about 5 months since my self realization. And there does not seem to be much information about the post awakening journey. Therefore I figured it might be nice to share my experiences, as I would have loved to have more guidance along my own journey.
The first belief that keeps getting triggered by different life events, is my belief that I am not worthy. I am not worthy unless I have a man. It seems like I am experiencing ground hog day on the relationship front. I continue to attract unavailable men, that have no interest in pursuing a relationship. And yet, I find myself hopelessly attracted to these men.
Recently I met another man and it all seemed to go smoothly, we were spending a lot of time together and I felt like we both felt the special connection. I had actual feelings for someone again after a looong time. Then one night he simply said, oh no Iâm not interested in a relationship for now, I want my freedom. It honestly broke my heart.. So many flashbacks of my ex came up. The interesting thing about this guy, letâs call him Alex, is that he shares some very specific similarities with the man that broke my heart 5 years ago. They share a lot of the same characteristics and even the same exact name..! From the moment I saw him, I felt extremely pulled towards him, initially not understanding why.
As time went on, I realized, he is here to trigger a belief in me. The belief that Iâm unworthy. And I continued to make the same mistakes as with my ex, staying around even though he was clearly showing me he doesnât really care about me. I just couldnât seemed to pull away from his energy. This went on for a bit, until I decided to cut things off with him (much faster than with my ex!). About a week later we ran into each other and spent the night together again. At this point I felt so hopeless and devastated, how could I realize and see the truth and yet continue to make the same mistakes I used to make?! I cried out to the universe, asking for guidance and help. Then as if by divine force, I landed on a talk by Gabrielle Bernstein about spiritual surrender. And I knew immediately, this person is here to help me surrender even more, surrender my personal will to gods plan.
Yet I still wasnât sure what to do, how do I stop wanting a partner to share love with? Or how do I attract one? What is my lesson here really? Again not even sure how it happened, I stumbled upon a ted talk called âSearching for love to escape ourselvesâ. And again the guidance was very clear, I need to stop dating and be with myself. Really be there for myself and all of these emotions that are being released.
About 6 months before my awakening, my heart chakra had started opening and a lot of things had been released. But I have not cried so presently and intensely as I have the past few weeks. Emotions seem to be much more intense after awakening. Anyway, after seeing the ted talk, my heart seemed to calm down. The universe seemed to have spoken, it is time for me to go on a complete dating stop, and to face all of my inner demons. To be by myself, without validation and to offer my emotions a loving space and presence. I know this is the right decision.
I will keep you guys updated and also start posting more about my journey up until now. For now my dating stop will be 2 months, letâs see where the universe takes me.
