~Growing~

~Finding myself~ That of which is not forever, is that of what we want forever. Memories are like so. With time, they become a blur, they become like distant dreams. We write, take pictures, listen to music, hold onto candy wrappers, receipts, and all these senseless objects just to hold onto the last traces of tangible evidence we have of such memories. A funny thought I've had as to why we as a human species dream is so we can hold onto memories. Yet, it is in our nature to forget. Even when we try our best, the most precious memories slowly decay with time, only to be re-triggered by senses. As depressing as that sounded, I think it is rather bittersweet and one of humanity's greatest gifts. To be numbed by time, pick ourselves back up, move forward with life, and at the same time, live on fond memories giving life depth and meaning. It is what makes us uniquely us. I have been blessed in this life with the greatest and loving family. I want to preserve my memories. The emotion that memories are able to stir makes us beautifully human.

[lifeinasnowglobe]

You

From: July 19, 2019 Off

By: THE INTROVERT

https://lifeinasnowglobe.com/you/

I had such a vivid dream about you today.

In all the times that I saw you in my dream whether it was your back as you always have done walking away, or seeing you from a distant, nothing was comparable to today’s dream.

For the first time, I saw your face so clearly.  You came to me and said you had the same feelings for me too, as everything I’ve held up to that point, I just bawled and embraced you holding onto your shoulders as I just cried without saying anything.

How is it that when I think that I am completely over you, you come into my dreams to remind me of all the feelings I have for you.

How you live only in my memories, and how I try to recall every moment we were together.

How all the feelings I’ve kept buried for so long just resurfaces again when I think about you.

How my heart aches the more I try to forget about you.

How I wish it was me standing beside you.

How my heart pains every time I think about that day when you do get down on one knee.

I need to get a grip and stop clinging onto this false hope I’ve fabricated so well that maybe, just maybe that you feel the same way.

My heart is weary.

It is weak.

Perhaps, like they all say, time is the only way.

[lifeinasnowglobe]

Finally

And today May232018, after 2 years I find the courage to delete all the photos I have so creepily stole from FB to post on here.Perhaps, I’ll keep only 1 picture.

[lifeinasnowglobe]

Max Richter- On Reflection

23May2018:

My dearest Piggy married on a rainy Saturday 12May2018 in Gangnam, South Korea ~2pm. It was indeed beautiful and emotional. I’m so happy for her: To believe in the power of love and to have found it.  To have taught me love as a little girl, and indeed, enabling me to imagine and feel emotions I would’ve never been able to if it not for her.  To teach me so much about love, loss, hope, and ultimately the pain of having to grow up.  It had pain me so much to see her world bloom and mine a hopeless abyss of waiting and hope.  She has taught me a lot, and I have her to thank. No matter how much we have change, I love her the same, and as I use to always say, I’ll piggy back her no matter how long the journey to make it home.

Kathy’s hair has grown to her neck now. I’m over joyed at such sight and the thought that she will no longer have to wear wigs, yet I am sadden to see her losing a decent amount of hair again.  I can see bald spots again on her scalp.  She still goes numb at night where her muscle stiffens and pains her to move.  She is still dependent on steroids.  

*God I ask not for wealth or success. If it is one thing that is allowed to be granted to me, I ask to carry my whole family’s sickness and pain.

Please heal her.

My loving parents: (The mother bird who’s kid all left the nest)

How is it that my patience sits on thin ice when I am with the both of them? Yet, I miss them the moment we part.

With the big and forever forgiving hearts they both have, Mom and Dad, Forgive me for not being the good daughter you both so deserve. I thought and wish I could give you the world, but it is tears I give in return for the sacrifices you both have made.

Im sorry, and I love you both very much.

And Lastly….to myself

My whole life I’ve tricked my own self into believing that I was this kind, compassionate, deserving, and great person.  I thought I was special. I thought I was doing everything not for myself but for others. Now, I have realized I’ve selfishly lived for myself and self-interest. I’ve never stepped into discomfort. I thought I was this care-free girl, yet I check my-self in the mirror every time before stepping out, or think my thoughts through before saying things. It is courage I lacked.

The person I’ve idealize myself to be, to the point of tricking myself that I am that special, compassionate, deserving, and one of a kind girl.  I look around and think, what have I done to even come close to this ideal person I’ve thought myself to be?

Nothing.

Yes, I read articles, watch documentaries, cry, become frustrated, and angry yet it is only in that moment.  I stay the same.  I say I’ll donate when I have money and yet I forget when I get paid.

As I have written many times before, I have become someone I dislike.

[lifeinasnowglobe]

What I Wouldve told him

26Apr2018

Thomas, for what it’s worth, I sincerely like you.

[lifeinasnowglobe]

11Apr2018

There are days I wish I could not feel a thing in this heart of mine.

[lifeinasnowglobe]

04Jan2018-The First Snowfall to Start the New Year

Mom had said, “The man that you like most, you’ll never get”. I didn’t believe her then, perhaps I was naïve and because over and over again I’ve seen people, who I thought at the time was not worthy of such luck, find love.  Here at almost 28, I know with certainty people I’ve observed who ends up with someone they love did not ponder this much about love.  As to why I am still single and not able to find love is a mystery to me.

Piggy have always told me, love for the family and love for a man is different; I think I am starting to finally understand it. Love.  I don’t know what love is anymore if what I’ve been feeling for almost a year and ½ is not love. To ponder about him every waking moment, when I am laughing and with loved ones despite the fact that he has a girlfriend, so long as I know he is happy and living well.

Maybe he is out and about enjoying the little bit of snow we got resulting in a no work day. Maybe he is still sleeping, enjoying the extra hours of sleep he could put in.

Thomas

I hope he is doing well.

Perhaps I’ve had nothing better to think about.  Perhaps it is this whole New Year, new everything that triggers for me to reflect and find my thoughts back to him.

I find myself pondering about his well-being over and over again hoping that perhaps on this dust of what everyone calls a miracle, he is thinking of me too and as always we’ll see each other again if only for just a few seconds.  I thought that knowing he had a girlfriend would bring closure to my heart and give me the strength to just forget about him.  It is still difficult to wake up and not think about him.

I’m so tired of trying to rationalize as to why I shouldn’t like him so much or how I have lacked for his disinterest.  I’ll just let my feelings flow to my aching hearts content.

Like rainbow or sun that follows a rainy or snowy day, it shines to make up for the bad weather that has passed.

[lifeinasnowglobe]

Dec.11th 2017

Still thinking about him from time to time. I must like saying his name. That’s all.

[lifeinasnowglobe]

Oct 24 2017

All he did today when I called out his name was wait for me until he saw me, waved and kept walking. Didn’t even wait for me bc I was with another coworker.

[lifeinasnowglobe]

October 22, 2017

Wake up to him. Before I fall asleep. Driving. Gym. Guitar. Drawing. Study. Music. Going to work. Leaving. At work. And even when I am with my love ones.

Do I just love being miserable.

God, please give me the strength to let go.

[lifeinasnowglobe]

Oct.5th 2017

Why do I like Thomas so much? I’ve tried to reason so many times as to why I shouldn’t but I can’t help but be all sad again when I meet him. We haven’t met in 1 year and he didn’t spare a minute to wait and catch up and I still like him so. I would’ve loved to sit with him and catch up. He turned 26 3 days ago and also visited Barcelona. I would’ve liked to listen about how his trip was and what’s going on in his life and the projects he had in mind for the YB project. I’m hurt.

[lifeinasnowglobe]

Because He Never Asked

16Sep2017. People say love is blind.  I don’t think in my situation I would consider it love, perhaps infatuation. Love or infatuation, it blinds a person’s mind and rationale.   After one year I finally got to see him again and the short moments we conversed I realized something for the first time.   This was only after a week of seeing him again and upon reflection that I realize this.  In the one year that we haven’t seen each other or conversed, when we met again, he did not for once ask me how I was.  All he ask was how my work department was.  Maybe, like he has mention in the past he is not good with words, maybe we were never close enough to ask that simple question, or perhaps I’m trying to make excuses again.  To realize this gave me a reality check, that me liking him so much was as clear as day and I was wasting my time.  After this realization I can move on with each passing day and not think about him anymore. Life moves on as it should when I left the department I worked with him. Its ironic I said that because I woke up today after a long nap and thought about him again out and about because today was a beautiful Friday. People all say to give it time to heal everything; Time is, but slowly.

[lifeinasnowglobe]

We Finally Meet Again

07Sep2017

How is it that after a year of wanting to see him, the day before I get to see him, I felt nothing, only to be followed by nervousness. It is as if I had no more feelings or that I’ve become numb to this longing that whether it is one more day or forever of not seeing him as long as he is doing well, life would be ok.  I wanted to cancel my attendance to the class, because of nervousness but I went. It was good to see him again after 1 long year, and yet it is as if nothing’s changed.  The one year gap was nothing, only time.  Just time. In the very instant when we met again, the value we place on time is merely a word.  To be able to sit beside him again, and listen to him pop his knuckles or fumble with his pen.  Noticing that our hand motions are quite the same brings a warm feeling to my heart as to how similar we both can be.  We’d put our elbows on the desk, glance down to look at our watch, or prop our head on one of our hands.  How I am so willingly to sit hours on end to sit in silence with him again.  How do you tell a person that you like them without being so direct?  In this life we are taught nothing much of how to deal with these feelings.  And when we do get the experience it, we don’t quite know how to deal with it or what to do with it.  After a year of contemplation of whether I should tell him or not, I admit I am glad I didn’t because if I did, I would not be able to meet him again without being shy or be in total avoidance mode.  

[lifeinasnowglobe]

Raleigh- downtown

23Aug2017

How my thoughts would find its way back to thinking about Thomas every now and then. Maybe because it is getting close to our first days of working in QO together. Its strange how I still find myself reasoning and telling myself there was nothing there other than the mere presence of being there and getting work done for the day.  How I think about some of our moments together and just smile because it happened. Today I finally got the chance to go to downtown Raleigh after 2 years of moving to the RTP area and I have to admit, I like the nightlife vibe there. He lives in Raleigh, so it made me think of him while I was there.  Perhaps one day when I am over him will I bump into him again.

[lifeinasnowglobe]

Solar Eclipse 2017

21Aug2017. There will be a solar eclipse today. The first in US history to make its way from west to east coast. It will reach Totality at 2:43pm here in Durham, NC. I also got the quality position. Yay!

[lifeinasnowglobe]

and.

For the first time, I have finally stopped thinking about him.  Every now and then when I do find myself thinking about him again, I am no longer struck by sadness and longing.  This must be a good sign.  In this way, I feel like I can finally move on with life come to work and be ok.  No longer a heavy heart to the chest, I am indeed free again.  I can finally focus on what I need to do.  I no longer have regrets as to what I should’ve and could’ve said and done. It simply was not meant to be.

[lifeinasnowglobe]

Maybe

28Jun2017

It has been 9 mos. and still my mind finds itself back to Thomas.  I caught a quick glimpse of him on Monday morning as we passed each other going home in the morning.  It is funny what false hope does to a person.   How the mind tricks one into believing that maybe, just maybe in the smallest chance of possibilities that indeed there was something there.  I am slowly trying to accept reality which I have found difficult to do. Writing helps me as it has done so many times to sort through my thoughts. I have to keep repeating to myself that this is not love but infatuation so I can come to terms with my feelings.

[lifeinasnowglobe]

Kk..

How is it we have managed to miss each other day in and day out?  How the ½ second glimpse I get of Thomas every morning when he comes into work as we pass each other driving gives me sad hope each time.  How I would reminisce and get all depress again.   Would it really matter though? For the one year I was given the chance to get to know him and him…me, I’ve sat quiet and bored to him, listening to music paying no heed to him or his life outside of work.  A cold boring turkey with no gravy…literally a robot that functions on work only.  Who would be interested in a person who looks like they got slapped in the face every day...for sure I wouldn’t……kkkk...Now I can laugh…Yes! And stop being depress goddamnit…I need to stop feeling sorry for myself because I am very fortunate. Life is beautiful and mean…but I love LIFE…kkk…my prep talk. I might become one of those psychos who would start talking to myself. Ok.  Back to sanity mode.  As Stephen Hawking quoted “Remember to look up at the stars and not your feet. Never give up work.  Work gives you meaning and purpose and life is empty without it. If you are lucky enough to find love, remember it is there and don’t throw it away.”

 After an hour of writing and feeling sorry for myself as before as to why Thomas will not text and is not interested in me and how I am still hopeful…as though an epiphany of some sort has hit me straight in the head, I realize I’ve been feeling sorry for myself a bit too much…no too much.. I am bipolar today. I cannot make up my mind what so ever. Go help PK, no…too late…gym…no…pretty weather…run outside…no…gym…leave gym…no wait for it to close…run…no lift more weights…finally leave…mall because I need to get out…no…Starbucks…now…debating if I should eat some chi chi. All in all I need to get a hold of myself and move on. Love is confusing and tiring so I will wait that day when it comes out and waves its hand and say it is me for sure. I think it is shy like me though when it is the real thing…kkk…don’t be and find me fast…kkk.

 Finally gathered some courage to write to him Friday morning and yet, when I was finally able to send that simple 2 sentence letter I felt nothing. This feeling of emptiness I felt as I left in the morning. It seemed as though a rock had been lifted off my chest of some sort.