Okay, so my story might not be as fucked up as the rest of yours, but I can tell you that my life wasn’t easy. And that I’ve been through hell and back multiple time. I don’t even know where to begin so I’m going to start from the biggest most tragic thing that has ever happened to me in my intire life. I had a family of 5, a mom Rosemary Lynn Kalkbrenner, my oldest sister Kathryn Lynn Kalkbrenner, and the middle child Amanda Rose Kalkbrenner. Then there was me the youngest Bryan Michael Paul Kalkbrenner. Oh how could I forget, my Father Michael Paul Kalkbrenner. I tried so despretly to be close with my sisters, but it was hard when they didn’t even want to be around me. All they wanted to do was their hair and makeup. My father Michael and I never really had a relationship. He was a big man. He scared me. His voice was so deep. When he was talking to me, it sounded like he was yelling. Me and my sister were all scared of him. Well when I was 6 years old is when the tragic memory started. One day on a fall crisp afternoon my father asked me if I wanted to go in the woods with him to go look for wild deer. He has never asked me before if I wanted to go with him; I was excited. But scared at the same time. So I told my Father that I really didn’t want to go, but my mom told me that I need to have more quality time with my “Dad" (oh god how I hate that word. You will NEVER be a dad to me. You’re my Father.) Anyways my mom told me I needed to so I obeyed my mom and went outside with my Father. We went across the street to the woods. I swear it felt like we were walking for hours trying to find a good place to sit and wait for deer, but at the age of 6 a block could feel like miles. Finally my Father told me to stop. He saw this old knocked down tree with Moss all around it. He said this was a perfect place to sit and wait. We sat there for awhile when my father told me he had to go take a leak. While he was gone I was sitting there. I smelt, heard, and seen so many things while he was gone. I saw the wind blowing the leaves, and I could smell the crisp leaves. And the sound of birds chirping, and the squirrles running in the trees. After awhile I got worried that my Father was never going to come back. I was beginning to get scared. But later on it would have been better for me if he never came back. A couple minutes later I heard a noise behind me. I was scared because I didn’t know what it was. Maybe it was a bear, or a axe murder. I was also excited to know what it was too, maybe it was a deer, or my father. Oh god I wished it wasn’t my father. I was too scared to look behind me, so I kept facing forward and didn’t move at all. A couple seconds a pare of pants fell next to me. I was so scared. I though someone killed my father. Damn, what happens next it would have been better if he did get killed. A couple seconds later I saw my father in the corner of my eye. I was a little bit reliefed that it was him. But then I saw what he was wearing… He was wearing nothing but his white boxer briefs. I was confused. I didn’t know what to think. I looked away from him and didn’t look at him at all. He then sat next to me. His hairy arms were touching my hairless arms. After a couple minutes of sitting in complete silence he began to grab my wrist. He moved my hand over to his crouch. He made me move my hand in circles for awhile in that area. After he got an erection he pulled his underwear off and made me grope his penis and he made me stroke his penis up and down until he ejaculated. Then when he was all finished with me. He got up, put his clothes on, and I got up and began to walk home. He then told me to come back. I obeyed him and walked back towards this big white hairy ogre. He put his hand on my shoulder and told me “Son, what happened in the woods today is not to be mentioned to anyone. This stays between you and I, do you understand?“ I stood there and shook my head up and down and started running home. I was only 6 I didn’t know if what he was doing was right or wrong. I finally saw the road I lived on. I began to sprint home. Once I got inside my mom called me into the living room. She asked me if I had a good time with my father. I stood there again, in silence and shook my head up and down. I asked my mom polietly if I could go up to my room. She said I may. I ran upstairs and got in bed. I was so confused, I didn’t know what to think. I just tried to forget about everything that happend in the woods. But everytime I closed my eyes I could see flashbacks of what happend in the woods. It was terrifying. This happened more and more. It only stopped during the winter when there was snow outside. I looked forward to the winter the most. This kept happening to me until I was 12 years old. My Father molested me for 6 years straight. People ask me why and how he stopped. Well, I will tell you. When I was 12 I was in 6th grade we had to particapate in Sexual Education Class. Well one day during that class in 4th hour we were watching a movie about how a Father molested his son throughout his whole life and in that moment I finally realized that what my Father was doing to me was NOT okay, whatsoever. I got really emotional, and started bawling my eyes out in the middle of class. All of the popular kids at Saugatuck Middle/High School started making fun of me. I got up and ran out of class. While I was running out of class I heard Mr. Paston yell at me to come back to class; but I didn’t listen to him. I ran straight to the bathroom. I sat in the middle of the bathroom floor bawling. After a little while my two really good friends Brianna Bakker, and Cassi Duer came in the bathroom to ask me what was going on. I just told them I wasn’t feeling good. So they brought me to the school nurse and I told her I needed to go home. The nurse called my mom and she came to my school to get me. Once she came to pick me up, we got in the car. She asked me what was wrong, because she knew I wasn’t sick. I told her that people were just picking on me and I had enough of it. She dropped it at that. We then drove into Holland to my fravorite ice cream parlor. We then drove back home, I went straight to my bedroom and bawled my eyes out all night. A couple days later my Father asked me to go into the woods with him again. I told him no, but my mom insisted that I go. So I went with him into the woods. We eventually got to that broken down tree in the woods. I sat down, and he took his clothes off. He sat down and grabbed my wrist and made me touch his crouch. Once I felt that he got an erection I got so sick to my stomach I got fed up with it. I yanked my hand away, stood up and told my Father “NO, YOU’RE NOT GOING TO HURT ME ANYMORE!” I started running back home while I was running home I heard my Father yell to me “BRYAN, DO NOT SAY ONE WORD TO ANYONE ABOUT THIS, OR YOU’LL GET IN BIG TROUBLE!“ I ran upstairs and tried not to think about it anymore. That’s when it all stopped. Every once in awhile he would ask me in front of my mom if I wanted to go look for deer with him again. I would always get really upset and be blunt with him and tell him NO. My mom would try to make me go, but I wouldn’t listen. A couple years later my mom and Father got a divorce. Once he left I felt so relieved, because I never had to worry about him hurting me again. The hard thing was though that once he left I still had this huge weight on my shoulders, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. Well one day I was on the bus and this emo kid asked if I was okay, because I looked depressed. I told him I was depressed, and I didn’t know how to deal with it all. He then gave me some advice that could help me. He told me that cutting my wrist and arms would make the pain go away. Well one night I was in my bedroom trying to fall asleep and I kept getting flashbacks of what happened in the woods when I was younger. I then went in our tool box and grabbed a razor and started cutting my arms all up. It made the pain go away for just a couple minutes, but after awhile cutting wasn’t doing the job right. It wasn’t helping anymore. I didn’t know what to do. So the the next time I saw that emo kid on the bus, I sat next to him and told him that cutting wasn’t working anymore, and that I needed to find another way to make the pain go away. The kid told me that if I take enough pills that the pain would go away forever. I asked what kind of pills would do it. He told me any kind of pills would work as long as I take more then 20. Well the next morning I woke up and I was more depressed then ever. I cut myself several times. It wasn’t doing anything. Well Amanda was in the bathroom getting ready for school, and my mom was in her bedroom getting dressed. I went in the medicine cabinit and found perscribed pills that my mom had. There was a brand new bottle with 36 pills in it. I opened the bottle got some orange juice and swallowed all 36 pills. I was about to leave the house to to get on the school bus when I puked up most of the pills. My mom asked what I took, and I told her nothing. I tried to leave but she wouldn’t let me. She put me in her car and started driving me to the hospital. I kept nodding in and out and eventually my eyes closed, and I couldn’t open them anymore. All I could see was black, and white dots everywhere, and I kept hearing my mom say “Bryan wake up, don’t close your eyes, wake up!” Next thing I knew I was in the hospital. They made me drink this black charcoal stuff to make myself throw up, but I didn’t want to throw up. I wanted to die. So I kept it down. Eventually I could feel my heart slowing down. The next thing I know I feel a wave of electricity run threw my body. They shocked my chest with those things and I came back to life. They then started pumping my stomach out, and I fell asleep. The next thing I know I woke up, and I felt someone laying next to me with their left leg around my legs. I turned my head around to see who was laying beside me, and you would never guess who it was. My Father. I got up, screamed and ran into the bathroom bawling my eyes out. In that moment I wanted to attempt to kill myself right there in the bathroom. But I didn’t know how to do it. I eventually came out and told my Father he needed to leave so he did. The hospital made me go to Pine Rest Mental Hospital to get help. I was there for two weeks. Once I got out I was happy. Well that’s what I made everyone believe… I didn’t cut for almost a year. I then met this girl Raelle Elise Wenger. We dated for about a year. One night I was super down and she could tell. I felt like she was the one person I could tell about my Father. So I did. She told me that I needed to tell my mom. I tried convincing her that I couldn’t, cause she wouldn’t believe me. She then told me if I didn’t tell her that she would. So I decided to tell my mom. When I told my mom she started crying. She told me that she was sorry and she always had this feeling that he was doing something to me, but was too afraid to ask me. I told her that it wasn’t her fault it was mine because I could have stopped him at anytime. She keeps telling me to this day that it isn’t my fault. But for the rest of my life I will ALWAYS think its my fault. Only because when I said to him to stop he did. I ended up pressing charges on my Father. We were in court for a little over a whole year. He took me to Jury trial. I had to stand in front of 12 juries and tell them every little detail of what he did to me. In the end, my Father got NOT GUILTY. Because lack of evidence. So I guess what I’m getting at is, I’ve had it hard. My life wasn’t the best. And it still isn’t. I just over dosed last week. I’m now in a mental hospital to get the help I need. I want to get through this depression. And I will fight it. I will win this battle. No matter how long I need to fight it, I will! This is my life; I don’t want depression holding me back. I need to learn to not let the past hold me down. I’m never going to forget what happened when I was younger. But I can learn to live through it. I can learn to get through this. And I will. I can do this.
And trust me. If I can do it so can you. Anybody can do it. You just have to want to.
titsay
andulkaphoto
ellievsbear
baratheonpilled
