Heart Confession: The Good, The Bad, The Love
I haven't used Tumblr in a while..
I dunno why even though my emotions were no where stable..
But I just need some place to spill what I feel..
Since whenever I do it in real life, problems seem to follow..
There are things that I do consciously and on purpose..
And there are things I do unconsciously without even knowing that I am doing it..
I've been trying hard to follow..
To change into a better person..
To understand some of the things that I can and cannot do..
But apparently there are things that I still can't seem to fathom..
I wanna be the person who understands..
I wanna be a better person..
Someone who is fit to stand by your side proud and tall..
Someone who will stay no matter what happens..
But then I realize that this is reality..
And those things are not easy to accomplish..
There are things that I don't understand that I just gave up on and follow along..
Like having an officially public relationship, which you never want..
You say that there is too much drama in it and we might fight a lot..
But even without it we fight a lot anyways..
I like posting pictures and sharing videos..
Whether it is of myself, my family, my friends or you..
But you don't like them.. EVER!
You tell me to take them down..
Sometimes without telling me why..
Sometimes I follow, sometimes I argue back..
The only reason I took pictures of you and of us together is because no one knows..
Sometimes I want something that I could see to remember the person who makes me happy and makes me laugh even when I'm sad or mad..
The person who can break through my defenses, help me let out my feelings and make me cry..
I just want something as proof that we do have something..
But I guess that is just a one sided thing..
I never say where I wanna go or what I wanna do, not because I don't have anything to do..
It's because I know the circumstances are inconvenient..
I can't be selfish and ask you to spend money when I know you need it for other things..
I am a defective person.. I know that already..
I don't know how to react when foreign or new things happen to me..
Things like flirting are something I never knew about..
Cuddling in your dictionary is different from what's in mine..
I try to be honest, but you don't care..
All you care about is what you believe in..
If you believe it is 'A' you will call me a liar and say that it is 'A'..
When the truth lies with 'B'
Yes, there are things that I don't know so I decide to fill in the blanks according to my own believes..
But if what I say is the truth, should I just lie and agree with you?
We've said goodbye so many times that I have lost count..
Whether it comes from you or from me..
Either way it never holds and we end up talking to each other again..
If this is the case, is it still okay for me to still hang on?
From the start I already told you that I have no experience and I don't know much about interactions..
Which is why I lost so many friends and only kept just a handful..
I am not the normal average girl who talks about feelings with other people..
Yes, I often rant about my family, but it is mostly just minor things..
I don't really say any of the major things..
Things that are heavy and are complicated to deal with..
Still I don't want anybody to worry so I decide to hide from everyone..
Or cover it up with a smile..
I believed that I have forgotten how to be genuinely feel sad or happy for the longest of time..
Sure it doesn't seem like that's the case when I'm with people..
But when I am home in my room and all alone, there is this empty hollow feeling that I don't understand..
There are days where I sleep for a long time..
It's partly because I am lazy and tired or sick..
But sometimes it's because I'm detoxing from all of the horrible thoughts in my mind..
There are also times where I do it just because I don't want to move on anymore..
Because there is no point on doing it..
Do you know that there are days where I wake up just for you?
So happy and excited just to see you..
But then there you go again.. You make me smile, make me laugh..
Then you decide to just toss me to the side..
You tell me to believe you and ask me why else would you do the things you do..
But then there are times where I feel that those things are doing the exact opposite of what you meant to do..
I am not the stereotypical girl who puts on make up and does her hair everyday and expects to be noticed for the changes..
I also don't dress to get compliments..
If I get them that's great if they don't then that's just fine..
I don't ask you to text me every morning, noon and night when we're away..
Because I know that that is hard to do..
Just a simple hi when you remember me would be fine..
I don't expect you to buy me things or give me presents or take me out to eat..
If I want something, I will try and use my own money to get it..
If it's troublesome for you, I don't have to eat..
I try not to complain when you are selling or buying..
But you always make me wait on the sides alone..
And complain when I planned something on my own..
You say I put others first.. That is not the case..
If I plan with other people and they find it more convenient the other way..
And it doesn't cause conflict with my own schedules.. Why not do it that way?
There is no point in going if I was gonna go alone..
Maybe I am not meant to have friends or have a significant other..
I guess that's fair enough since I am a failure..
I am a disappointment who can do no right..
I sometimes wonder what have I done that is so great that I am allowed to live..
If you or anyone I know somehow finds my tumblr and reads this..
There is nothing wrong with saying that I am a failure to my face..
I think I've heard it far too many times to think otherwise..












