Loph's World

[lifelesslopher-blog]

Heart Confession: The Good, The Bad, The Love

I haven't used Tumblr in a while..

I dunno why even though my emotions were no where stable..

But I just need some place to spill what I feel..

Since whenever I do it in real life, problems seem to follow..

There are things that I do consciously and on purpose..

And there are things I do unconsciously without even knowing that I am doing it..

I've been trying hard to follow..

To change into a better person..

To understand some of the things that I can and cannot do..

But apparently there are things that I still can't seem to fathom..

I wanna be the person who understands..

I wanna be a better person..

Someone who is fit to stand by your side proud and tall..

Someone who will stay no matter what happens..

But then I realize that this is reality..

And those things are not easy to accomplish..

There are things that I don't understand that I just gave up on and follow along..

Like having an officially public relationship, which you never want..

You say that there is too much drama in it and we might fight a lot..

But even without it we fight a lot anyways..

I like posting pictures and sharing videos..

Whether it is of myself, my family, my friends or you..

But you don't like them.. EVER!

You tell me to take them down..

Sometimes without telling me why..

Sometimes I follow, sometimes I argue back..

The only reason I took pictures of you and of us together is because no one knows..

Sometimes I want something that I could see to remember the person who makes me happy and makes me laugh even when I'm sad or mad..

The person who can break through my defenses, help me let out my feelings and make me cry..

I just want something as proof that we do have something..

But I guess that is just a one sided thing..

I never say where I wanna go or what I wanna do, not because I don't have anything to do..

It's because I know the circumstances are inconvenient..

I can't be selfish and ask you to spend money when I know you need it for other things..

I am a defective person.. I know that already..

I don't know how to react when foreign or new things happen to me..

Things like flirting are something I never knew about..

Cuddling in your dictionary is different from what's in mine..

I try to be honest, but you don't care..

All you care about is what you believe in..

If you believe it is 'A' you will call me a liar and say that it is 'A'..

When the truth lies with 'B'

Yes, there are things that I don't know so I decide to fill in the blanks according to my own believes..

But if what I say is the truth, should I just lie and agree with you?

We've said goodbye so many times that I have lost count..

Whether it comes from you or from me..

Either way it never holds and we end up talking to each other again..

If this is the case, is it still okay for me to still hang on?

From the start I already told you that I have no experience and I don't know much about interactions..

Which is why I lost so many friends and only kept just a handful..

I am not the normal average girl who talks about feelings with other people..

Yes, I often rant about my family, but it is mostly just minor things..

I don't really say any of the major things..

Things that are heavy and are complicated to deal with..

Still I don't want anybody to worry so I decide to hide from everyone..

Or cover it up with a smile..

I believed that I have forgotten how to be genuinely feel sad or happy for the longest of time..

Sure it doesn't seem like that's the case when I'm with people..

But when I am home in my room and all alone, there is this empty hollow feeling that I don't understand..

There are days where I sleep for a long time..

It's partly because I am lazy and tired or sick..

But sometimes it's because I'm detoxing from all of the horrible thoughts in my mind..

There are also times where I do it just because I don't want to move on anymore..

Because there is no point on doing it..

Do you know that there are days where I wake up just for you?

So happy and excited just to see you..

But then there you go again.. You make me smile, make me laugh..

Then you decide to just toss me to the side..

You tell me to believe you and ask me why else would you do the things you do..

But then there are times where I feel that those things are doing the exact opposite of what you meant to do..

I am not the stereotypical girl who puts on make up and does her hair everyday and expects to be noticed for the changes..

I also don't dress to get compliments..

If I get them that's great if they don't then that's just fine..

I don't ask you to text me every morning, noon and night when we're away..

Because I know that that is hard to do..

Just a simple hi when you remember me would be fine..

I don't expect you to buy me things or give me presents or take me out to eat..

If I want something, I will try and use my own money to get it..

If it's troublesome for you, I don't have to eat..

I try not to complain when you are selling or buying..

But you always make me wait on the sides alone..

And complain when I planned something on my own..

You say I put others first.. That is not the case..

If I plan with other people and they find it more convenient the other way.. 

And it doesn't cause conflict with my own schedules.. Why not do it that way?

There is no point in going if I was gonna go alone..

Maybe I am not meant to have friends or have a significant other..

I guess that's fair enough since I am a failure..

I am a disappointment who can do no right..

I sometimes wonder what have I done that is so great that I am allowed to live..

If you or anyone I know somehow finds my tumblr and reads this..

There is nothing wrong with saying that I am a failure to my face..

I think I've heard it far too many times to think otherwise..

[lifelesslopher-blog]

Heart Confession: Love #1

I wanna be the girl who could be useful to you..

I wanna be the girl who gives you strength..

I wanna be the girl who can take care of you..

I wanna be the girl who worry about you..

I wanna be the girl who sends you all my love..

All these wants and there's no way to make it come true..

Why?

Cause you don't love me..

Your mind is filled with the girl who has managed to captured your heart..

To you I am nothing but another one of the guys..

Or as the little sister you never have..

Or as the annoying person who worries too much over nothing

and nags about everything..

You don't see me as a girl.

Your eyes are stuck on her..

The girl who is prettier than me..

Cuter than me..

Smarter than me..

Kinder than me..

I wanna hate her..

But I can't..

She is too sweet and lovable..

So I'm stuck in the background..

My voice blending in with the background..

As I do nothing but wait for you to notice me..

Love is hard..

Love is dumb.. and yet..

Love is everything you want and need..

Love is something you crave..

Love is something you earn..

But how can I earn this thing called Love..

If you don't give me a chance?

[lifelesslopher-blog]

That One Feeling

There are times in life where you will just completely miss the point of something. That something will always be that one thing that makes you feel that one feeling. The one a lot of people don't really want to feel, but it is always present.

This feeling doesn't come from pain or sadness directly, but it does come involuntarily. It comes during the times we don't know what is going on but got caught in or caught a glimpse of the bad or horrible information.

The big picture, the full story could always just be a joke or a prank or the truth, but you don't know that. All you know is that one little gap that you just happen to be present during the time of the incident.

Like when your friends were joking or teasing and suddenly one of them thought it would be funny to walk out of the room as if they were angry. Most of the people might caught on that it was just a joke and it didn't really mean anything. However, there will always be that one person who didn't and would feel this weird uncomfortable feeling afterwards.

The thing that that person is experiencing is that one feeling. The heart wrenching, gut busting feeling that something was wrong and you had to try and do everything that you can to try and fix it or at least try to ease up the pain or help in any way you can.

Whether it is to provide a hug, a shoulder, an ear, a hand or even tears. That feeling is called worry. You don't want to feel it because you know that it could be just a joke, but there would always be a nagging feeling that something isn't completely right till the said person revealed that he/she was indeed joking or just fine.

That one feeling is something you can't ignore. Well, some of them you can ignore because they are just a minority. For example the worrisome feeling that you are going to fail a test or an interview. Those were just in your head and you can overcome it once you dismissed it. But when it comes to the worry that involves someone else. It might be a bit harder to dismiss. No matter how mad you are at someone and no matter how much you want to ignore it, as long as you truly care about the other person, you will always worry. Maybe even more than you worry about yourself.

So, as much as I want to say, "Oh, okay then." and dismiss the nagging feeling, sometimes I can't and it frustrates me when I can't do anything about it.

What are your experience with that one feeling, the one nagging at the back of your head, the heart wrenching, gut busting feeling that bothers you for as long as you haven't appease it?

Let me know if you have found an easier way to get rid of the feeling, especially when you have the power to execute it through the wireless network.

[lifelesslopher-blog]

Beliefs

Let me tell you a little something that comes from my family beliefs. We might not know how to speak, read or understand the language, but my family is a Chinese family. And in a Chinese family, there are such things as feng shui and fortune telling.

There are lots of ways to do fortune telling. From the lines on your hands, to how long your toes or fingers are, how close they are, to when you are born.

I am acquainted with lots of these. They tell me this, they tell me that since a very young age. At first all they are saying are nice things, like how my fingers are long and pretty and that I'm gonna grow up rich and successful. But lately, through a different kind of fortune telling, one that's based on the time of my birth, they started telling me how I'm gonna have a lot of bad luck and misfortunes in life, how I'm always gonna have to work hard and could never have fun.

Well, this is something that I have known for a while. I am born on the year of the dog at a bad time of the day, according to my family that is, because it is the time of the day where the dog starts working.

Let me just say what the others told me about my birth time, people who are born in the year of the dog at this time of the day will be like a dog living under an abandoned house with no walls. It will face a lot of hardships with barely enough food to eat. If hail and storm comes, there will be nothing to protect it and it will perish.

Sad, isn't it? I don't really mind it much, but my mom believes it.

Another belief in the family is that everything a mother said to a child is like a prayer to the gods and every curse and every bad words that came out of her lips will be another bad karma waiting to happen for the child.

My mother just told me the other day to stop making her angry and say bad comments and curses. You want to know what I was thinking through the whole lecture?

These are my thoughts:

If it were true, I have enough curses from you to last a lifetime.

From kindergarten till now, you have always thrown curses my way.

From stupid, careless, lazy, hobo, immature, ugly, short, fat..

To why don't you go die, no one likes you, and this is why you have no friends.

So why should I start caring? It's not like I can erase the ones from before.

What kind of a mother say "It's better if you are dead." to a child? What's more, it's to her own child. I admit I'm not the smartest kid and I am not the nicest one either, but I'm this way because there is a reason.

There are things that I can't help but not be able to share with you. I know there are times where I say lies to you. And I know that you can't believe me that easily anymore since I have said a lot of lies.

So I've decided that there is no point in trying to say it anymore. If I have things that is a problem but they are not too apparent, for example minor sicknesses and problems that are not right in my face, I decided not to say it anymore. For example, how I seemed to have taken a test for ADHD and passed with a "70% might have it" and how I think of killing myself once in a while and how I think I might have a depression disorder and also about emotional breakdowns I have now and then. These are the things that I can't tell you because no matter what I say, you won't believe me and will just tell me that I am making excuses and what not.

But I'm not.

Despite what my family believes in, I think there are things that I should just ignore. There is no point in believing in them because then I will get all sad since I have never had any luck with such things anyways. I'll just believe in being myself and hope for the best.

So, what are your beliefs?

[lifelesslopher-blog]

Dog

A dog wondered the world,

thinking what she was worth.

Some people say she's prized,

some say it'd be better off if she died.

  The dog knows it too.

She has no where to go to.

No friends to be seen,

her family doesn't care how she's been.

  Even with if she has her own mind,

they just order her around.

Go here, go there,

just listen to what was told.

  Another dog is there,

and all she could do was stare.

Stare away from a far,

waiting for the day that a car,

would come and end her worthless life.

  That would be better right?

She's ugly and a mutt,

while the other was prized and loved.

  No one would care if she's gone,

no one cares if she disappeared.

Since another dog has apppeared,

one that would do what she should have done.

  "So goodbye," she barked,

not that anyone would care.

[lifelesslopher-blog]

Dreams

Dreams. Dreams. Dreams. What are dreams? Day dreams, aspiring dreams, even dreams when you sleep. What are they? What are they for exactly? Some people say motivation Some people say inspiration Some people say entertainment. You know what I say? It's nothing more than lies. Although, some dreams might be some subconscious wants and wishes or even feelings. Like today for example, I woke up from a dream and it's not a very good one. It's the same one I use to get when I was in elementary school when my mother called me stupid, ugly, useless, and etc. usually before a test or something like that. Or when I do something bad or wrong and she hits me saying she'd rather have me dead and kill me right then and there than to have me act like a child, or an uncivilized 5 year old with no education. It's a dream where my sister, #2, who excels over everything but art and anything that involves performing, gets even better. She grew up to be a rich person with a handsome husband with lots of kids in a grand mansion out on the Beverly Hills. While little ol' me, grew up into a bum who lives in a dingy old apartment old and alone, trying to get by by entertaining kids at a kindergarten when my sister comes in and takes it away from me too. Then it fades to black, back to present time where me, my sister and my mother are staying in my grandparent's place and I got kicked out of the house, turned into a hobo and died in a dumpster. Sad dreams, aren't they? But they are dreams I get whenever I'm around my mother. Abandonment. Abuse. Belittlement. And all that goes in the category. So, are dreams all that great? Some are, at least till they go very very wrong. My old dreams, the good ones that I remember was of me growing up happy with my sister, having neighboring houses with a connecting door and husbands who love me and twin kids with a golden retriever as a pet. The usual kids dream. Nowadays, I'm good if I get regular no dream sleep. My dreams nowadays consist of getting a nice job out of college and finally prove mother wrong. Sounds easy, right? But maybe it's not as easy as it seems. I still want to be better, but I just don't trust dreams anymore. Dreams are for entertainment uses and for when you need creative inspirations. No need to make dreams when someone who takes it down is still around.

[lifelesslopher-blog]

Death

Death is always around. People die everyday, millions of reasons aside. Have you ever wondered what it's like to be dead? To let the darkness consume you? Let the red that flows inside of you drip out till there's no more? I have. I have considered many ways to die. And the only way you can do it as painlessly as possible is through old age. Hmm.. Makes you think, doesn't it? If you ask why, there are many reasons. 1. There are just things that make you imagine when you watch movies or shows or even the news. i.e. slaughter, horror, gore, blah blah blah. 2. There are also certain positions that make you imagine even if you try not to think of it. i.e standing on a tall building with glass floors, passing by a dark alley alone at night, and so on and so on. 3. Suicidal thoughts. My reason is all of the above. Either way, all seems painful. Have you ever wondered what it's like to have suicidal thoughts? Well, it's like having your heart ripped out and dropped and ripped to shreds and then the numb feeling sinks in. It feels worse when the source of your suicidal thoughts says go for it. For me, it's my mother and my sister. When someone says they want to kill themselves and die, normal people will say don't do it or try to stop them, right? Not for this girl. I have my sister tell me, "Can I kill you then?" and I have my mother tell me, "Let me watch you kill yourself. Go ahead and jump off the second floor." She even watch me get on a ledge and offered to help push me over. I didn't jump of course. As much as I want to die, it'll be too painful and from that height the most it would do is break my bones, get me paralyzed, and left me hating my life even more. And just so you know, shampoo does not taste all that great when swallowed. I thought it would be less painful when I drink something poisonous but it just made me vomit and left my mouth smelling like flowers for a day. Strangling yourself and hanging yourself is a waste as well. It just hurts your throat and suffocates yourself. If you hang yourself, you could end up pulling a nerve and going into a coma about more than half the time. When you suffocate yourself, you know what happens? You feel blood and air flow getting cut off from your head and your head started pounding, your eyes felt like they were gonna pop out of their sockets. Basically, your head feels like it's about to explode. Let's just say it's not a very fun feeling. Drowning yourself is not so easy either. I don't know how people do it. My body will always force myself to resurface after my ears pop. Guess my will isn't strong enough. Well, I have thought of cutting myself to death, but the idea of the silver blade slicing through your skin and through your nerves and veins seems like too slow of a death for my taste. Maybe I should try distracting myself again. But death will come for me. I won't know when and I won't know how, but one way or another it will get to me. Hopefully it will choose the most painless way possible.

[lifelesslopher-blog]

Memories

Memories are worth a million, or so they say. But it depends on who it involves. Having the ability to remember something doesn't mean that people will believe you when you say it is. People tend to believe what they want to believe. You might remember it one way, someone else remembers it another way, and others just forgot. When you tell the story again and that other someone disagrees and calls you a liar, try to have at least back up or try to make someone else remember because having others take your side will benefit you. Take my story for instance. Today, mother dearest decided to tell a story of the time me and my sister had a puppy. I remember my sister, #2, dropping the puppy while drying it after a bath and my mother running over it's tail by accident. They both deny it. #2 states that she did drop the puppy, but she was with someone else and I wasn't around during the time of incident. So I said that she dropped it twice. She said no and we got into an argument. Mother scolded me for always provoking people. This may seem like a way to break things up. But to me and my sister, it's like I have lost once again and was wrong again. So, #1 - 0 and #2 - 1037590. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating with the number of wins. But she does win a lot. Because no matter what the reason is, to my mother, I will always be at wrong because I am #1. She says I'm older and supposed to let her win. I get this, but that doesn't mean I have to let her walk all over me. And that's what she always does. She has no respect for me and she frustrates me to death. I am not kidding when I say literally. -sigh- I will never win as long as I live. So why even bother trying anymore?

[lifelesslopher-blog]

And So It Begins...

When things began is never clear,

you're never sure when it began,

or where it came from.

Some things you know when it began,

but when it comes to things like,

LIES,

ABUSE,

HATE,

sometimes you can never tell when it started.

Lies starts from various reasons,

from fear, helplessness, the need to fit in, and etc..

Abuse starts from two places and in different forms,

from high places with money, power and strength.

It can also comes from low places with stress, depression and other abuse.

Hate is never clear where it came from,

but you know when it's around.

It could be from jealousy, intolerance, and even out of nowhere.

Some things are never clear when it began,

but it's always clear when you sense it first.

You can tell the LIES,

You can feel the ABUSE,

You can notice the HATE.

So, if you find a method on how to tell when these began,

Drop me a small message, cause it would be a VERY useful thing to learn.

[exornalili-deactivated20160828]

[renatakst]

[lifelesslopher-blog]

If you always have that one person who will cheer you up when you're down, then keep them closer forever cause they are hard to find.

[disneybound]

Disney Characters as College Students by Ruben

[pussygameweak-deactivated201307]

[lifelesslopher-blog]

WTF LMAO

[endlessnoctis]

T R A P P E D

[lifelesslopher-blog]

* w *

[cuttingsupport-blog]

[lifelesslopher-blog]

exactly..

[lifelesslopher-blog]

When Life Gives You Eggs, Expect Some Rotten Ones

Well, there's no other way to say this. Life gives you a lot of things. Some things in life just happens. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't expect everything to always go your way. When something is going your way and everything is always good, always expect that something bad will follow soon. Same goes for the other way round. When life gives you bad things, something good will bound to happen one day or another.

So, here's the question..

How long should you wait for it?

If your days are crappy and your life has been bad in general, how long do you wait for something good to happen?

A day? A week? A month? A year?

...or maybe a decade?

Here's the thing, no one knows. So basically when life gives you eggs or lemons or oranges or whatever you choose, you should expect some rotten ones in the basket along with the good ones. You don't know which one till you open it up and the rotten smell or the brown mush appears.

Here's a tip to what I do when I get the rotten baddies, distract yourself. As I said in my previous post, distraction is the best medication. When life is as shitty as it can be, I think distractions are an acceptable escape. It's always better to be distracted than to have your mind clouded with urges to hurt yourself or kill yourself.

Come on, you know it. You've all been through times where it's just so bad that you want to hurt yourself or kill yourself. Don't deny it. Everyone should have experienced it at least once before they reach the age of 18. Sometimes, things get better after a short amount of time or sometimes it takes a very long time.

I can't complain cause as I said, "Some people have it worse than you, so don't complain." but even knowing that, you can't help but feel that life is just too hard to move on with and you just... kind of... wanna give up.

Give up on trying and just stay buried under layers of blankets on your bed and never have to wake up ever again. Unfortunately, you can't do that. Trust me, I've tried, many times. Never works cause you will always find at least one reason that makes you want to get up and try again.

May it be your parents, your friends, your teacher, some random stranger on the streets, or etc.

So, when life gives you eggs, expect some rotten ones to come along with it. But on the bright side, you can always count on others or yourself to find something that will help you get through and get rid of the rotten ones.

[pleaseholdmecloser]

[discolor3d]

fucking this

[lifelesslopher-blog]

This is my life. Everyone moving on and growing up while I'm stuck in my memories and life