I wasn't really sure if I wanted to post about this or not. If I didn't, I wouldn't be advocating for mental health like I want to be doing. Trigger warning: there may be topics about verbal abuse, suicide, and death.
I grew up with separated parents. My dad lived in one state while my mom lived in a different state. I grew up mostly with my dad with the ability to see mom during the summers and some holidays and lived with her for a few years (by choice. The government didn't control the family). When I was in the last years of elementary, my dad started dating and this person would eventually become my dad's wife.
In the beginning of their relationship, we were all very happy and she was a great partner to my dad. When they got engaged, I was happy for them and blessed to have another female figure in my life. She went to many school events of mine and was super nice. When they got married, I even wrote a speech and gave them my blessing as my dad asked for it. Yet once marriage life started, things changed.
This person who I considered my step-mom was nice, but yet the way she spoke to me made me feel like I was incompetent. She would ask, "Are you stupid? Do you not have any common sense?" And started to be more like this. She would mock me and make me feel like I was intellectually disabled, she said some nasty things about my mom, and when I experienced a traumatic event she made me feel unwelcome in my home. I couldn't ever look her in the eyes after that, but I still showed her kindness and respect. Then later found out, she struggled from mental illness and that her and my dad divorced.
Although that was 12 years ago, I recently found out she had passed away back in May. The amount of confusion and tension I feel in my body--there are no words to express it. I'm sad even though I haven't talked to her since my first year of college. I'm happy that her brain is not messing with her thoughts and processes. Yet I'm angry--the anger that is fueling in my body I feel is controlling how I feel about this situation. I'm angry that she didn't see or understand that the way she talked to me was wrong. I'm angry that she felt the need to make me feel dehumanized. Most of all, I'm angry with myself that I didn't ask her, "Why?"
I continuously read her obituary and how it's worded sounds like it was from suicide, but I don't know. I'm debating on if I want to go to her celebration of life and give my condolences, or if I should just stay away. I mean after all, she was my step-mother at one point in my life, and we did have good times. It's hard to see the good though, when you remember the bad.
All my experiences have shaped me into the person who I am today and how I want to be the best version of myself. All of my experiences inspired me to become a person who speaks on mental health and wants to help others.
I hope she is resting peacefully, and that her after life is treating her well.
