An in depth discussion about Bulimia and eating disorders with practical tips on recovery.
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@lifesdance
An in depth discussion about Bulimia and eating disorders with practical tips on recovery.
My Beautiful Friend's response to my Love-Filled World:
Yes yes yes ….wonderful babe, Ive already had this insight sometime ago, just as you have seen it!! Chi, prana, life force , god, higher power, universal energy….whatever term is used , its love…… God is love, life is love, love makes the world go round…..the word love is sadly so misconstrued. And we tune into love when we release the grip of the mind/ego….mind/thoughts block the connection. Layers and layers of stuff we carry from past conditioning block the connection. When we release and relax we feel love….the love connection…simple !!! Its such a wonderful insight, Im with you babe …all the way…..!! And that explains why true love between two people isnt what we ‘think’ ….its two people that have tuned into love, this beautiful force that has nothing to do with what we ‘think’ it should be haha….. Knew I was going wrong somewhere all those years !! The mind is a wonderful tool we can use yes but when we know it gets in the way …wow, life becomes Love love love. And when two people fall out …it isnt a fall out with each other…its that one or the other or both have fallen out of connection with love, lost their connection within themselves to love. It all becomes so much more clear when this insight comes to us in life. And if we feel crap with ourselves its the same… Weve lost connection. So glad youve had this come to you …its great to share insights like this xxx Love you babe xxxxx
Remembering posts of past. Enamoured by my friends words.
Yes x
The God Concept.
This is something that I feel deeply passionate about; I would like to share it with you before we carry on together, because it has a great deal to do with the kind of work I do and what I can offer you.
I’m going to dive straight in, so dive with me and if anything sounds weird or feels weird, just stay with me - I know this could have a positively, profound affect on how you see the world – if it’s a new concept to you.
We are all used to the concept of God being that of the Christian God. The Lord, in the Heavens, ruling over us. I love this story. It’s not something I’m afraid of anymore, I don’t judge, I accept it’s place in our world. It has beautiful metaphorical depth to it which can take you on profound paths of discussion.
I went to a church primary school; we studied Christianity and went to church. Religion wasn’t pushed on me by my family. Friends were religious, and I’d go to church with them if I stayed at their houses, however it wasn’t something I felt drawn to, as much as I was open to it. I loved reading my picture story book of Jesus. Stories inspired the wild imagination I had, and still do.
I’ve never believed in ‘God’ as we’re led to understand him in Christianity - a man, a guy ‘up there’ ruling over us all. I’ve never believed in a man up there, pointing the finger, condemning us to hell, or giving me ‘permission’ to go to heaven. (If you do or have, I’m totally down with that. I’ve explored different religions and belief systems and have friends all over).
From a very young age I’ve felt there’s something great in this world. I’ve felt this undeniable power. Thunder and lightning used to freak me out. Such an insanely powerful and magical demonstration of what nature is capable of. I sensed something un-seeable, but I just didn’t know what it was.
As the years have gone on, and my view on the world has expanded, my ideas of what is going on in the universe have grown. There are many. I’m a science geek and a spiritualist. I love physics, chemistry and biology, and I love philosophy, theology, ancient history, sacred geometry, quantum physics & metaphysics. I’ve travelled extensively, which has exposed me to a LOT of different people, places and ideas. I’ve also had a lot of physical and psychological therapy - there’s a place for it all, and who am I to say one thing or another is right or wrong?! It’s not for ME to say. What others do is none of my business. And vice versa. What others think of me is none of my business either. Let’s get it straight; faeries, pixies, aliens and auras are just as likely to exist as black holes, gravity, electricity, tornadoes and cupcakes. Just because we can’t ‘see’ it with our human eyes, doesn’t mean it’s not there!
***Science is finding more and more that we are extraordinary beings. I will go into this more later on, but for now, let’s keep it on the God Concept.
In 2009, a month before I was to give up alcohol, I went on an EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique, using Tapping) course in Bournemouth, UK. It was held by a wonderful lady, Sasha Allenby, and the divinely gifted Brett Moran. Things had really started to ‘open up’ in my life, and it was a string of events – synchronicity, that led me there. I was introduced to concepts of life that I’d never been exposed to before – outside of myself. My feelings on there being more to life were being confirmed, but this time by modern, real, fun people – just like you and me. Something clicked for me. I knew I wasn’t alone in my thoughts and feelings, it was like I was given permission to evolve and expand, and BE Sophie.
As the years went on I travelled, read, meditated, had therapy, contemplated, questioned, talked, cried, went on courses, wrote, had love affairs, went through different jobs, and got into lots of credit card debt.
This took me to a meeting called ‘Debtors Anonymous’.
If you’re unaware of Debtors Anonymous (DA for short) it is a brother/sister fellowship to that of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). It follows the same principles & literature and guides you through a process of recovery.
The AA/DA program is a course of 12 ‘Steps’. They’re like 12 modules, that you work through to lead you to self-realisation, inner-peace and a better life state, and fill you with tools to live a happier life.
On Steps 2 & 3 I got stuck! It seemed nuts to me to a. ‘Come to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity’ and b. ‘Make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood ‘him’’.
In my first attempt at this program I screeched at this point. I talked it over with my friend Julie and we both surmised that we have the power INSIDE us - to surrender to a power ‘outside’ of us was to be disempowered. Or so I thought. And the ‘God as I understand HIM’ part just filled me with this questioning of who the fuck says this God thing is a HE, a person even?
Plenty to discuss around the BBQ, dinner table, on the bus and so on.
Right. So here’s where it gets juicy. I had a turn around. I went from being a complete atheist to what I now know as an alltheist, or omnist.
It was during the work I had to do for ‘Step 3’, whilst I was writing, that I had this mega realisation. Everything came together and in that moment I found my connection to what I was attempting to understand. God. What was God to me? How did I understand it/him/her?
I was struggling with understanding how this ‘power greater than myself’ could heal me when I’d been learning that I have the power to heal myself, and that I was to turn my life ‘over’ to this power and become disempowered/controlled? I just couldn’t get it.
I’ve grown in my ideas of life. My heart and mind have opened so wide that there is nothing that shocks me anymore. I’m open to it all. I’ve felt that there is great power in nature. I believe in there being multiple dimensions we can’t see as humans - an energetic or ‘spiritual’ side to things. Spirit to me is another word for energy. Just like I realised that God is a metaphor for the energy of our universe.
Ride with me here.
We are undeniably remarkable beings. We have a mind that can rationalise, create, innovate, and that can go a bit wonky sometimes. In terms of addictions, I’m no expert, but in certain people there seems to be a problem with the control centre and strong urges lead to the various addictive tendencies.
We also have our ‘gut’ feeling. Our intuition. To some scientists it might be instinct. To people with more sway to their notion it’s both. This is all open for debate!
Intuition to me is a guidance system, it’s my guidance system to the deepest knowing in my self/my soul. Before I was even introduced to this concept of God, I felt there was something great guiding me, I just didn’t know what. My gut feeling is something I’ve always been aware of. To some it may be psychic ability, to others a hunch. But, it’s one thing we ALL have in common, no matter how you label it. We ALL get ‘that’ feeling when something’s not quite right.
I got into reading about the universe and quantum physics, and resonating - feeling in agreement with, something called Oneness. This is an idea that ‘we are all one’. It might sound a bit farfetched if you’ve not come across the idea before. It suggests we are all interconnected by energy, every one of us an individual ‘part’ making up the oneness, all running the same show. We ARE the energy; the only differentiation between you, me and a table is the frequency our cells are vibrating at. Liken it to a giant web of communication, like the matrix, that we are all a ‘part’ of. We could call this oneness spirit, consciousness, the universe, or god. But how could I surrender my will and life over to this power? I was stuck.
Somehow, I had this thought come to mind: ‘Some paths say we have a spark of spirit IN us.’
SHIT! YES!
In that moment, I made the connection. It dawned on me that us humans are a physical manifestation of consciousness. Consciousness – the universe/god, is what everything is made of. Everything. There is no gap. There is simply different ‘frequency’. Physical matter (the human body or a chair) is simply a group of subatomic particles vibrating at a lower frequency, thus becoming denser. Water and gas for example are higher frequency.
So how could I suddenly surrender my will and life over to this external power?
Well, it was the way I was perceiving this suggestion that blocked me.
If we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change.
I’d read a great quote “Prayer is telephoning to god, Intuition is god telephoning back”
Whenever I pray, speak or even think, I am sending messages out to the universe. I am in constant communication to ‘all that is’, whatever is running this show we call life. When I’m in a meditative space i.e. walking, driving, colouring-in, meditating, doing yoga, cooking, (your meditation can be in any manner of places and spaces) I will have sudden ideas, solutions to problems, moments of realisation. THIS to me is the universe ‘telephoning’ back to me.
(I have a LOT of juicy stuff to share with you about thoughts and how they affect us and the universe at large. Let me know if you want to hear more about that.)
My will is in my mind, my intuition is in my gut. My gut is my guidance from consciousness; it’s a sixth sense, separate to the mind. Addiction/Repetitive thought patterns are a compulsion sent from my mind - an order sent from the fear driven primitive brain. If I am part of this oneness, then these softer, intuitive feelings/messages aren’t coming from anything or anywhere else, they’re simply coming from a different ‘part’ of me, the part of me that is the bigger picture here. I realised I wasn’t surrendering my ‘entire being’ over to this unknown man/entity in the sky, I was surrendering my addictive mind to the spark of magic/spirit/energy of the universe that I have WITHIN me.
Afterall, the heart starts with a spark, does it not? We are electrical beings. This spark, of whatever you want to call it – spirit, god, consciousness, this is my connection – energetically, to the oneness. This is how god/the universe communicates with us humans in our physical form.
And THIS, THIS energy is what I connect to each and every day through prayer, meditation, chanting, writing, walking, driving, colouring in, listening to music, reading in silence – the list goes on. Remember, I’m not religious, yet I pray?! That’s because I now know the power of us humans and our thoughts.
Please do one thing for yourself now; If your desire or need to turn your life around is THAT big, desperate, then please start by opening yourself up to having everything you thought was real about your world being shattered. Until you are open to having the pants humbled off you, and your concepts of life blown out the window, you will most definitely find it nigh on impossible to live the life you know you deserve.
This is also where relationships take on a whole new form.
Do you find that when you get into a relationship it ends up going wrong quite soon after you’ve had sex? You’ve ‘fallen in love’, you’ve been hypnotized by their mating dance, fallen into that trap that feels like a mental illness (It is), and now you’re feeling uncomfortable, your mate is feeling uncomfortable, and you both have this belief that the next steps are to sacrifice, compromise and please the other in order to maintain the balance?
This is bullshit. Society has driven us down a road of absolute bullshit, superficial relationships.
It is MY mission to turn this around. The relationship of your dreams IS possible. It just might take a bit of work.
I’ll leave you with this:
Girl and boy/girl want a mate. Girl and boy/girl get dressed up with other friends who want mates (prepare mating colours, feathers, bells and whistles), girl and boy/girl go out, do mating dance – flirt, show off their BEST bits, entice the other to ‘fall in love’ in order to capture them. There is an entrapment process at work when people go on dates or ‘out on the pull’. Who is the person underneath all that dress? What do they think when they’re in bed alone? What scares them? What are their biggest fears? How on earth can you learn this from someone when society has driven it into us that revealing all of these beautiful parts of ourselves is seen as intense, too much, oversensitive and neurotic? ‘If I reveal anything but my positive side they’ll leave me’.
I’ve realised that needs are ok. It’s OK to have needs - my needs. What ARE needs? Friendship, emotional intimacy, open & honest communication, fun & playfulness, a forthcoming approach, and children, to have my own children. These are totally valid. Knowing my needs means I can save myself and anyone feeling for me unnecessary heartache. I can express these needs when I meet a prospective mate, and if he doesn’t have the same needs, then we know where we stand and either develop a friendship or go our separate ways.
So, you may be asking, ‘But Soph, How will I ever find the right man/woman? If I go around scaring guys/women by being so open and real from the start, I’ll never find a mate! Maybe I just have to settle for what I’ve got, or have had.’
This brings me beautifully back around to our new concept of what god is, or could be.
Worship Yourself and NOT your mate!
YOU are YOUR god.
I’ve explained that god, to me, is universal energy. You are universal energy. You have a spark of that energy within you. It is your priority to maintain contact with that spark. I guarantee you, that every time you’ve come to a block - ended up with someone who’s ‘not right’, it’s probably because you’ve lost touch with yourself – your spark, your spirit, your essence that speaks to you all day. You’ve been conditioned to ignore your intuition and go with the fear instead.
As soon as you can find it in yourself to please your self, and not go against what’s right for you to please others, you will find a partner who you can create absolute happiness with. Warts n all.
How on earth can you know a person from seeing their best bits, out on show, thinking they need to impress you – i.e. NOT be THEMSELVES, in order to attract you.
I see it all the time. I’ve been there too. People pleasing gets us NOWHERE in life, especially in an intimate relationship.
I’m not claiming to be any more of a human than you. I’ve had my own fair share of challenges to go through, and each one had made me stronger and more open to life. Why am I writing this? Because I’ve realised that, even though I’ve been blessed with crazy, mad, dark, amazing reasons to change myself, and see the world in a different way – not everyone has that, not everyone is gifted that. So, I’m here, gifting you the opportunity to see the world in a different way and create a better life.
In Love, Grace & Respect.
Sophie x
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Life With Bulimia – In a Large Nutshell.
Where did it all start?
It was at the age of 15 when I first caught onto the process of bulimia; bingeing and purging. i.e. Eating a meal and throwing it up. I was watching an episode of an Australian soap and a young girl was over-exercising, bingeing and purging. For some reason, in this moment, I thought it was something I wanted to try.
I want to state here. I don’t blame the tv program for causing the bulimia. It was highlighting the problems some girls and boys have. It probably would’ve put some people off, it just caught me at a time of vulnerability and my mind took it on board.
Having not written a diary at this time in my life, I have no idea or proof of the actual reason for my decision. I’ve spent a lot of hours in various therapies trying to ‘get back’ there and figure it out.
Many possibilities have surfaced with regards to the causes/influences of the bulimia - they include the following:
· An obsessive mind needing calming
· Social pressures – wanting to fit in, fear
· Being a fit young lady and my body changing, not knowing how to handle the changes.
· Family dynamics
· Addict gene
· My soul plan
· Lack of self-love, self-loathing, shamanic clearing process, mother-wound, greed, ignorance, vanity, control issues.
· And more
Lots of these ideas have come from people and not from me. However, I have explored all the possibilities and can relate to several. The bulimia has changed its way of manifesting in my life. The way it’s shown up has shifted. It’s gone from an anorexic to an anorexic bulimic, to a bulimic mechanism. I would starve myself for a day or two, and then go back to eating something. I would then starve myself for a day or two and then eat and throw up. It progressed to the most recent phase of bingeing on a shed load of food simply to throw it back up.
At 15 I made the decision to ‘give it a go’. I was big into sports, dancing & gymnastics. I lived in a small village in SW Wales and cycled a lot.
The first time throwing up was after dinner with my family. The usual dinner of something fairly healthy – mum was a good cook and always made us whole food meals. I went for a bath, and on that day, was inspired to try making myself sick.
NB. Please note. If at any time whilst reading this, you sense yourself wondering what it would be like to try making yourself sick; STOP. STOP right there and think. This has been a very very long, very scary, seriously challenging journey that has taken at least 10 years of tireless work on myself to get to this point – and I am only now sensing my biggest shifts. At 37 years’ young. DO NOT try it to ‘see what it’s like’. I am NOT in control of you, however I can warn you of the dangers.
It took a few attempts to bring the food up before it happened. Once I’d done it that one time, that was it. In effect – the seal was broken.
From there on I experimented. I started purging after dinner every evening. It shifted into not having lunch at school (feeling successful for being strong enough to avoid it) – saving my dinner money (feeling successful for having money), coming home and having dinner and then throwing it up whilst running the bath (the sound would drown out any noise I would make). This progressed to eating nothing all day and then purging after dinner. Then I would lie about what I’d eaten in the day and avoid dinner altogether – creating a greater sense of success. This sense of success is what fuelled the anorexia. I would praise myself for ‘getting through’ hours, days without eating – I loved this feeling.
Exercise had always been a love of mine. The physical highs, exhilaration, exhaustion and the mental ‘successful’ highs. It wasn’t so obvious when I increased my frequency. I would cycle miles to friends’ houses in the countryside. I went to the gym more. I ran/jogged more. I created my own workout and did it every evening after school. I felt good about myself in some sense because I was ‘winning’ in losing weight, skipping meals and focusing on food, or the lack of it. I became very tired and quite overwhelmed by the pressure I was putting on myself to keep it up.
At some point, it lessened. I started drinking alcohol and smoking pot. I then started taking other recreational drugs like poppers, speed and later ecstasy and cocaine. This all opened me up to boys. I’d always been so shy with boys until I found that alcohol gave me confidence. With boys came parties, drugs and clubbing. I was in my element with all the ‘fun’ and attention, and dancing. Dancing was my passion.
I met my first love at 17. For 3 years, I was out of the bulimic cycle. Possibly due to my energy being focussed on him and us – losing myself in him, and keeping fit and trim from dancing for 8 hours straight in clubs. When things between me and him started to go wrong, the anorexia crept back in. We were living at mums so it was difficult to be purging. So I opted for the starvation tool. I would praise myself for getting through a shift, or a day without eating. I felt good when mum, my boyfriend or anyone commented on my slim figure.
After 3 years and a lot of complications, I ended it. It had been tumultuous. He was heartbroken, I felt guilty. I’d not opened up and shared my troubles with anyone – pretty much how I coped with all of my life. I was working at a restaurant and after a period of ‘being good’ – i.e. being very controlling over my food intake because I felt myself on the edge of bingeing, I started to graze on leftovers. This resulted in me filling out a little, instead of being the very slim girl I was. My boss (a lady so it made it ok?) noticed and commented on my ‘lovely curvy figure’. ‘AARGH’. I contracted and my whole body - every cell of my being, reacted with disgust.
It was whilst eating a freshly baked roll with butter, in the restaurant one morning, when it dawned on me again. I didn’t have to put on weight. I could eat what I wanted to so long as I threw up afterwards. And so, it began again. However, this time, it was like a savage beast.
There was a different energy and drive to it now. It was uncontrollable. Like Mission Control had got a total handle on it and it was, literally, out of my hands. It was an addiction to spending money on nice food, any food. It was an addiction to the buzz of eating all that seemingly lovely, yummy food I’d get high on, and then it was also an addiction to the relief of throwing up.
As it progressed and evolved people couldn’t help but notice and find out. I was spending a lot on food – up to £50 a day sometimes, bingeing a lot – pizzas, bread loaves, take-outs ALL the time, and throwing up.
It can be so humiliating, having such an uncontrollable ‘dis-ease’ of the mind. One of the most uncomfortable parts is not knowing if people around me knew, and suffering this private humiliation, of sorts, thinking about how people would be judging me if they knew the details. I would say one of THE worst parts is having no control over the urges to binge, and then realising I would now have to find a place to throw it all back up, without anyone hearing. So, places I’ve thrown up (and apologies go out to anyone involved) are:
· Festivals – in portaloos, and in the hedges. Urgh. Possibly THE most horrific.
· In shared houses – housemates’ bedrooms next door to toilet so I’ve thrown up in carrier bags in my room and discarded in public bins, or our main bin.
· At mums, our family home – thrown up in the shower and had to wait ages for it to go down the plug hole. Urgh.
· Bowls in houses I’ve stayed in and then hidden them until morning and found a way of throwing it down the toilet.
· Airplanes, trains, coaches, public toilets, fields.
· Shop car park, in the corner where hopefully no-one would see
Alcohol was a big cause of triggering the binges. Another ex-bulimic friend agrees, so do many. Whilst sharing houses or staying with friends, family, people, I’ve caused trails of destruction in their kitchens. I’d have no memory of it whatsoever if I’d been drinking. Only to find food everywhere in the morning. Awful. I would then replace the food I’d devoured, as best I could.
Habits whilst bingeing:
· Scooped butter out of the tub/dish with chunks of cheese.
· Ate loaves of bread and butter/ toast in one sitting.
· Bowls of milk, cream, cereal and sugar.
· Bags and bags of pasta, mayo, butter, sauce – anything to make it rich and ‘satisfying’.
· Whole 3 person takeaways.
· Crisps, chocolate, biscuits and tea/coffee in large amounts.
I’ve been through a series of times when it’s been ‘really bad’. (It’s pretty much been on a constant process of being ‘really bad’ – with that meaning, the bingeing and purging was occurring from 4-9 times a day.) These low times have come when it’s been so bad, for so long, that I’ve come to the point of wanting to end my life. These have been very dark, and very scary times of my life. The blessings that have come out of my lowest times have been that I’ve either grown immeasurably as a being, I’ve found a new level of existence, and/or I’ve reached out for a new tool, for a new therapy that has somehow appeared in my life at that time. (Because, as well as the challenges of the bulimia, my life has been threaded together by beautiful synchronicity and serendipity).
I recently sent the list of tools and therapies I’ve tried to Lydia and another friend. It shocked me when I put it all together. Here it is for you to see:
EFT. Hypnotherapy. Psychotherapy. CBT. Counselling. Medication. Rebirthing. Craniosacral. Reiki. Exercise. Vegetarian/Vegan diet. No booze. Travelling. Working. Food journaling. Reading.
Freefall therapy. Crystal healing. Sound bath. Visualisation. Acupuncture. Matrix Reimprinting. Gamma healing. Theta healing. Past life regression. Shamanic healing. Workshops. Meditation. Courses. Qualifications. And more I keep remembering.
Something I’d like to share, for those who don’t get it re: therapy, and trying so many - or some have judged as me being ‘addicted’ to therapy.
Can I ask you to hold judgement? When your life is literally being consumed on a daily basis, by a suffering so unbearable you are driven to the point of wanting to take your own life – commit suicide, then if you are so blessed as to a. be driven or motivated to, counterintuitively, stay alive and b. have people come into your life who have been willing to help, you’ll freaking well try anything you can.
And if that doesn’t work, you’ll try something else, and then something else. Because, whilst you’re still alive with this suffering, and the pilot-light of desire to stay here is flickering, you ain’t gonna just let life pass you by. I feel truly blessed to still be here, grateful for my endless warrior spirit and all the people who have touched my life in an attempt to help me.
What’s changed?
In 2005, my dad was taken ill. I’d JUST started therapy for the bulimia. The first ever immersion in some kind of admittance to the problem. Said therapy got side-tracked onto dealing with my dad dying. So, I was sent to Group Therapy. This was a turning point, of sorts. I was slowly ‘waking-up’ to myself and to the illusion I’d been living in. I had no idea of the world then, to what I know now. I then tried medication. It stopped the bingeing temporarily, however alongside that peace-giving recession, it made me feel wired, anxious, high – like I’d taken stimulant drugs. I tried Prozac – Fluoxetine later, again, and the side effects were worse. I had dizziness, lights in the sides of my eyes, and worst of all – I had that high again, like being on amphetamine, which this time showed itself as shaking. Every time I got either excited or nervous, I would shake, uncontrollably, like I had Parkinson’s. It was awful. I stopped it.
Each therapy and tool I’ve experienced has given something to me and my life. I’ve always gained something. Be it a new perspective, increased love and compassion for myself and the world, or a moment of inner-calm.
I’ve spent 3 years working through the 12 Steps program in DA, Debtors Anonymous. That’s another story, which is equally as juicy. I could’ve done it through OA – Overeaters Anonymous, however I was guided to follow my gut and go with DA. This has been akin to doing a PHD on my inner-world. Amazing.
Alongside all of the bulimia chaos I’ve also held down jobs and travelled. Somehow, it’s worked!
I was blessed to win a competition, resulting in my own Presenting traineeship at BBC Radio Bristol - Producing & Presenting my own show, and embracing everything the BBC had to offer. I’ve lived and travelled in Australia. Sailed the Atlantic to the Caribbean, worked as an extra and VJ Presenter out there. I’ve had a job as a Double on a Hollywood movie working with Brad Pitt. And all of this, to you, might be a ‘Oh, Holy F**k, that’s amazing. Wow.’ Bright lights, success? she must be happy with all that?!
What it’s all taught me is that none of it, NOTHING can ‘make’ us happy. We have to make ourselves happy and ‘choose’ to be happy, despite what is appearing in our external worlds. Money, yes it gives us options. It does not change our inner-worlds, our habits, patterns and beliefs. Only us – through self-inquiry, or profound experiences, can do that.
Where does this leave me now?
It’s almost like the bulimia is a kind of brain-fog. I have come to recognise it as being ‘active’ or ‘inactive’. It is gradually lessening in its frequency. I’ve moved around a lot. Sometimes of my own doing, sometimes not. This has been unsettling in itself. Now I have my own home, in the county I grew up in, and years of tireless work on myself are coming to a tipping point, I’m seeing the fruits of my labour. My life is changing. Profoundly, deeply and externally. Which to me is a pure reflection of my inner-world changing for the better. Our outer-worlds are mirrors of what is going on inside us. THAT realisation in itself, can knock you for 6.
Earlier on I mentioned dancing as being one of my passions. A new world has opened up to me in my home place, in Wales. I’ve vowed to follow my creativity to heal myself fully, and it’s all unfolding. What a beautiful circle my life is bringing me around to. Through the years of introspection, and meeting hundreds of strong, inspiring, spiritual, intelligent, wise, fascinating, bewildering people, I’ve found that pretty much anyone with some kind of mental health struggle, has energy being channelled incorrectly. We are all creative beings. It’s firstly how we get here, through procreation, and it’s secondly our nature to create. Everything you see in the world has been created!
Through dancing, I am finding more of the grounded Sophie I appeared to lose all those years ago, when I let it pass me by, as a teenager. I feel so alive and at peace when I’m dancing, singing, writing, walking, reading.
If there’s anything I can leave you with, for now, it is to pursue that which sets your heart on fire. What makes your soul sing? What would you get out of bed for at any hour and work all day for, to then want to do it again? We all know, deep down, what we LOVE. YOU know what YOU love. Sometimes it takes a bit of digging and delving to get back in touch with it again. You’re worth it. Your place in this world is just as significant as any celebrity, prime minister, bank manager, policeman, bailiff. You have the ability to change. Realise your value in life, and know that if you can dream it, you can flippin well have a good go at doing it.
Much Love,
Soph x
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Happy Birthday #CodeRed !!! Even more exciting is that #loveyourladylandscape is soon to be published. Loving your work Mrs @sassylisalister Thank you for being in this world. For being alive. For showing up. You Rock! #bigkissonyourface X #author #published #books #birthday #celebrate #celebration #lovecake #love #yoga #wildsoulwoman
'...reaching total self-acceptance, on an emotional level, of your body as the beautiful and perfect work of art that it is. Love handles, pot bellies, stretch marks, or wrinkles become irrelevant once you are able to recognize and celebrate the miracle of your unique body as a container of the divine.' Yes! YOU are beauty and magnificence in physical form. Treasure your palace. Nurture your soul's home. Be gentle when your humanness shows up. You matter to us all xxx #bodylove #divinebeing #magnificence #beauty #love #success #treasure #sacred #sexuality #temple #fitfam #loveeverybit #palace #itstartshere #centre #meditation #Tantra #Tao #youareaperfectworkofart
Heading off, On a new adventure. Life unfolds, In the way that is best for us. Travelling along. Coldplay comes on. Numerology suggests. My angels are with me. Healthy food to nurture. Feeling so happy. Amazing Day. Live, Laugh & Play. #adventure #travel #moving #home #coldplay @coldplay #musicmakeswaves #angels #mysteriousworld #healthy #happy #livelaughlift #girlswholift #fitgirls #amazingday #play #yogaeverydamnday #singingmyheartout #recovery (at St Werburghs)
Trust in The Universe. Love Unconditionally. Believe in Yourself. I just saw your post @deemoi and felt moved to reach out, and touch you, like a friend would put their hand on your arm to reassure, and show you they've heard. I hear you. When there are suggestions, ideas and opinions flying in from all angles, like an emotional ambush, it can be difficult to stay centred and true to you, to me. Practice makes progress. I'm with you all the way. Changing it for us, changes it for all. Morphic resonance is a powerful magical phenomenon. Stay magnificent, oh beautiful one xxx http://www.davidpbrown.co.uk/poetry/oriah-mountain-dreamer.html #youcandoit #magicalbeing #creatureoflove #divine #success #love #trust #believe #meditation #yogaforlife #author #poet #lawofattraction
Holy kit! Watch a drummer pull off a wild backflip mid-solo.
Haha! Niceeee! #shithotdrummin
So Gentle. So Delicate. The Universe. Perpetually Beginning. Eternally Ending. Smouldering Ashes, Burn and Linger. Watch in Silence. Watch the Magic in the Sinders. #fire #bigbang #universe #magical #science #spirituality #mindfulness #silence #creatrix #superpower #author #artist #video #videooftheday #instalove #awesome #love #profound #wisdom #lifesfrikinawesome
Is this for real, Or am I dreaming? Such breathtaking colour, Evokes soul-longing feeling. I have to share! What, another sunset photo?! Well "Fuck it" I say. Afterall, it is my life motto :) #sunset #Wales #paradise #picoftheday #camera #nofilter #nofilterneeded #water #coast #ocean #surf #Pembrokeshire #newgale #love #nature #divine #colour #sky #cloudporn
Sublime sunsets. That's what we're given. Take a moment, To appreciate, And be shown, What nature keeps hidden. #Pembrokeshire #surf #sunset #laughter #people #nature #blessed #birds #rapture #inawe #newgale #coast #divine #colour #nofilter #awesome #picoftheday #picture #painting #creative (at Newgale Beach)
Teachers come in all shapes and sizes. This lady has taught me a lot over the years. Firstly, not to be sizest. I grew up with Springer spaniels and said I'd always be a 'big dog girl'. Little did I know about the love and awesomeness in this bundle of joy. Tilly is my mums dog and every time she goes on holiday I get to share time and space with her. There's more she's taught me which I'll save for another time. For now, enjoy Tilly's 'rascal' face #dogs #bestfriend #unconditional #learning #teacher #joy #love #sparkle #Tilly #lakelandterrier #animals #countrylife #walkies #hangingout #photo #instalike
#thisrhythmgotmebeat #drumsnbass #supercoolflow
Wild Woman Sings. On The Rocks. Beside The Ocean. Full-Moon Wisdom. Flowing Through. This Old Souls Truth. Ritual Glowing Embers. As The Sacred Prayer Burns. Smouldering on the alter. St Govan's. Natures Arms. My monthly roadtrip to St Govans Chapel for Full Moon. I sit on the rocks, and sing to the sea. I read my prayers to be answered, and sit and breathe. I scramble the rocks back up to the chapel. Then burn my prayer paper. I got this photo of the embers just before it all got swept away in the wind that was blowing through the cold, old, stoney chapel. Thanks magical world. I love you! #love #prayer #fullmoon #ritual #sleeplessnights #chapel #stgovans #burning #sea #ocean #beautiful #magic #divine #roadtrip #photo #creativity #inspiration #success #lawofattraction #sing #shivohum #gypsyroots #music #fire #embers #paper #smouldering #smile #hashtag (at St. Govan's Chapel)
Life's experiences are so fascinating. Each one of us living our own unique reality, in a greater, bigger reality. My choices and decisions can seem crazy to another. Recently, the mysterious forces-that-be have been guiding me to yet more immersion in compulsive behaviour. Addictions. Darkness. What the fuck is it all about? I am flabbergasted at how such an awake, intelligent and grounded woman can still suffer such madness. I know there are people who judge me for this. Hey, I'm flat out judging myself at times - that's a big part of it. It scares me. It could kill me. But then I tell myself that anyone can die, at any moment, whether they dealing with an eating disorder or not. Which brings me beautifully around to the quote. 'Life is so damn short, For fuck sake, Just do what makes you happy' Just you. Make YOU happy. Not someone else. Not your sister or brother. Mum or dad. Boyfriend or girlfriend. Mate. Buddy. Dog or cat. The sooner the world can heal the wars inside themselves, the sooner we can achieve world peace. We have our own truth, our own inner-voice, and then we have the voices and opinions of the people around us, who think they know best. Deep down you have all the answers you need. Just keep asking, keep praying, keep meditating. One way or another you will be ok! Love yourself. Know yourself. Be yourself. I love you xxx #love #forfucksake #happy #creative #author #writer #meditate #prayer #pray #soul #you #god #gohonzon #nammyohorengekyo #NMRK #quote #choices #life #addiction #iloveyou #heart #eatingdisorderrecovery