Lost Stars
It’s funny how someone can feel so much sadness that even tears won’t do it justice. They refuse to fall, yet your whole being seems to fall into an abyss of sorrow and emotions anyway. Maybe it’s because when they fall, it’s acknowledging that everything’s real. That it isn’t just a bad dream. That it isn’t just a cruel joke. Everything seems fine on the outside, but it’s simply a facade, hiding the torrent of emotions and feelings inside.
We first met amidst the yellow stars. They shone so bright I thought I’d go blind, but then I saw you. You were the brightest among all of them. Yet, instead of going blind, somehow I saw things more clearly. The path I should take. The road I should follow.
You were the one who showed that to me. You inspired me. You helped me. And just like that, I looked up to you. I looked up to the person that you were; your deeds, your words, and your smile that was brighter than anything. That’s why I followed you.
It was a whole new world. It was beautiful. More beautiful than anything I’ve ever seen before. Than anything I’ve ever known.
I should’ve known that such beauty comes with the heaviest price.
I honestly thought I’d hate it. When I first came, I viewed your world as confusing, fake, a waste of time. How could you live amongst the stars when you have to go through blood, sweat, and tears just to stay in it? At this point, I’ve already seen countless of them fall, yet you still chose to be one of them. Yes, it was breath-taking, but how ironic is it that stars are the most beautiful when they die? When they fall from grace? I feared that it would happen to you too.
I wasn’t wrong.
Now, it was your turn to fall. And I watched. I simply watched as you slowly lost that blinding light. That beautiful light. I watched as you plummeted from the sky and you crashed and burned on the ground. I watched as you destroyed yourself bit by bit with that damned white powder. I watched as your amber eyes were gradually tainted with bloodshot red. I watched as your slender frame thinned even more to see bone. I watched as you finally lost all the light that you had because you couldn’t bear the burden anymore, and there were no more blood, sweat, and tears to be spent.
I remember asking if one day you’ll leave too like the others. You looked at me with that same bright smile and said that that would never happen. Like a fool, I believed you despite noticing your trembling hands, your shuddering light. If I didn’t, maybe I would have been more prepared. Maybe I wouldn’t be feeling this way now, now that you’re gone.
Now, it’s like you never even existed. Now, it’s as if the times we shared didn’t happen. Now, I feel like I just imagined everything. Now, the light I see is just a fleeting memory, and my night sky is so empty.
I wish I never met you. I wish I never wandered among the stars I used to hate. I wish that I have been blinded by their light back then, so I wouldn’t have to see the ugly truth behind their pretty facade.
You could have at least warned me. Why now? Why not earlier? Why now when I’ve already made you my center of gravity? Why now when you know it would rip me apart? Why?
...
It would be better if our stars never aligned.
Ah, the heavens are indeed cruel. I guess if you and the rest were meant to fall, then I’ve decided to fall as well.
I’ll follow you again, so let’s not be lonely anymore.
...
You wouldn’t have wanted this ending. You would have wanted me to flourish and shine brighter than anyone. But how could I? When you’re not here? When your guiding light is nowhere to be found?
Yes, I’m being selfish. I know that much.
I’m sorry. Even now I feel the light leaving me as well. The pills beside me are almost empty, and I intend to finish them all. Ah, the tears still won’t come out, but I’m already falling.
It won’t be long now.
Even in these last few moments, I can’t help but be even more selfish. Somehow, even though I’ve chosen this for myself, I want to make one last wish. Even if it won’t be heard. Even if it won’t come true. Even if it’s impossible.
Before I completely fade, I wish we’ll meet among the stars again someday. When or if that day comes, I hope we won’t have any more regrets.
Maybe then we can truly be happy.
The stars would continue to shine forever in the night sky, and they won’t become just a fleeting memory.