Am I Jumping or Falling?
Imagine this. You're on a train. That train is hurtling towards uncertainty. The Brakes glow red with the force of trying to slow or stop. Your on a set collision course but you don’t know where. You scream and try to be heard but there is no hope. The train is drowning you out. Things are unstable and people aren’t hearing you and you desperate need help. The trains pressure rises beyond safe levels. so what happens first? Does the train collide into the inevitable or explode with the pressure.
Its like this, The pressure and the forces have trapped you, deep inside your own brain. You desperately want someone to see behind the facade and see that everything is not okay. but once more you have shut yourself in. The facade keeping anyone from knowing what is truly going on.
Its make or break time. You stare into the abyss, wondering how your going to solve this one. Do you crumble under the pressure, or do you try and hold together what remains of your life while everything carries on around you. You have to leave, Be alone with yourself otherwise you will explode.People carrying on as normal around you,Laughing, cheering,while deep inside you know whats wrong. Even the facade built to try and keep things in is crumbling,Pressure growing, stress building.
You grow weak from fighting to be heard, from the pressure to find what you need and just to function and keep going.
You keep tying to work through it. On again comes Mr Depression. Darkening what little light you had left.Your trapped and the walls are slowly coming in. There is no escape. No chance of hope and everything is crumbling around you while everything and everyone around you continues, Without delay, any effort or struggle. You sick and tired of fighting to be heard, to be noticed, of being invisible, of not functioning, and of being trapped.And all the wile everything continues, unsuspecting to anyone. People passing it off as football, or just feeling a bit crappy, or your just being lazy. People assuming the worst when you need them most. When in actual fact you were closer to the abyss than you dare to realize. Every word and every laugh moving you closer into isolation.
You find your own brain working against you. Mod becomes irrational and sporadic. You don’t know how to control it or how to make things normal again, How to bring back the person you need to be. Hes somewhere in there, but he got lost in the dark woods. Lost to Depression, and trapped in his own mind. Without Warning your brain snaps. You cant handle the pressure, You cant deal with any of it anymore. The constant Fighting with the DWP, the attempts to get support work in place, You find yourself moving out and battling an old friend. All while trying to keep a sense of normality to things. Everything is fine you tell yourself once more. You try and hold things together but the battle cars are already too much. The pressure and Brakes fail. Any you find yourself hurtling into this make or break point. Every word you type edging you closer and closer back from the edge. As scary as it is though, you still wonder. Will you jump or will you fall.
