If It's My Reality, Let It Be

• RN • The Mitten State • 35 • ISFP •

[liikeahummingbiird]

Hey there!

It’s been a while since I’ve been on this site, but it’s mostly because I’m trying to limit phone time around my daughter. Being a mother is hard, yes, but it is also such a JOY. I relish even the difficult moments! It’s so much fun watching my LO grow and develop new skills weekly. I feel so fulfilled at this point in life. My heart is so full!

I hope you’re all doing well! Happy Fall! I’m so psyched for spooky szn! 🎃👻

[liikeahummingbiird]

Long, rambling post warning here.

I haven’t been in a good headspace at all today. This is partly where I’m going to miss a routine work schedule because it was such a great distraction from unpleasant thoughts and revelations about myself.

I’m having regrets in how I acted in my previous relationship before I met my now-husband. Idk if any of you remember (if you’ve been following me that long), but my ex-boyfriend had commented on how he thought I was autistic and proceeded to show me a video of autistic women speaking about their experiences in life (I’m not autistic). He didn’t make it out to be a negative quality, either; he was just trying to figure me out. I was pretty closed-off and rarely expressed my feelings because being open was terrifying to me. Basically this was the trend in my other relationships, which were all very short-lived. They all went somewhere to the tune of: boy starts to warm up to me more, but then I push him away by becoming super annoyed of him. Everything becomes annoying - the way he talks, the way he walks, mannerisms, etc etc. Anyway, I just wonder what would have happened if I were emotionally healthy, you know? Would I have been capable of falling in love? I can say with certainty that I’ve never been in love and sometimes this makes me feel so sad. It’s true that I do love my husband and am so grateful for everything he’s done for me (and the baby), but I’ve never had those coveted human experience “in-love” feelings. By the way, he knows this, too. This is no secret.

My sister a few years ago told me that she thought I had an avoidant attachment disorder. This observation coming from her (who is a psychiatric nurse practitioner) made me want to explore this topic, which was something I’d never considered before. She mentioned the fact that we were essentially abandoned (when I was 5 and she was 4) very suddenly by our mother who’d had a psychotic break and needed to go to a psychiatric institution. It was later revealed that she had paranoid schizophrenia, which I’m sure those symptoms had popped up at times when she was raising us. We learned that we could not trust everything she told us (after diagnosis), and as young children, aren’t we supposed to be able to trust our parents? All of this must have done a number on the way my sister and I approached our future relationships with others (with my sister revealing that she’s much more anxious in her attachments, which makes sense because she’d cry after attaching to her teachers as I’m sure she viewed them as mother figures). I, on the other hand, became largely avoidant. Looking back at high school, I now believe this is the reason my girlfriend group abandoned me; I never really opened up to them and was just “there.” Maybe I’m wrong, but at the time, I felt like I deserved for that to happen even though I didn’t understand “why.” This theory would explain things, at least, and makes most sense.

Getting back to avoidant attachment - I’ve discovered that I’m without a doubt a “dismissive avoidant” person. According to simple psychology.org, here are bullets describing a person in a relationship with dismissive avoidant attachment:

Sabotaging the relationship, especially when things are going well (e.g., focusing on and pointing out problems, starting arguments and conflict, and/ or being uncommunicative)

Pushing their partner away by being unkind, hurtful, critical, and having a negative and resentful attitude

Fantasizing about past relationships and partners or about being single

Becoming emotionally distant (e.g., not communicating and being disinterested in partner’s life, thoughts, and feelings; preferring to spend time away from partner)

Breaking up with their partner when things get serious

I am literally guilty of every single one of these actions in my past relationships, unfortunately. It sucks to admit it, too. I feel like an awful person.

Oddly enough, although I’ve been this way with Matt at times, it hasn’t really phased him because I think he has a level of understanding of why I am the way I am through the couples therapy we’ve done. He gently steers the conversations away and gives me grace when I’m being a complete jerk (and I’m well aware of it).

So this is me being super vulnerable and some of you might think I’m a bad person, but it is what it is. I’m a constant work in progress and have to actively work against being like this all day and every day, probably for the rest of my life. It takes a ton of intentionality.

When you throw a baby in the mix and it’s even more challenging, but I want her to experience a loving father and mother. You hope to give your children what you didn’t have and hope they’ll have better lives in general.

Life really is so hard and this is why it’s so important to be kind to others because just don’t know their life circumstances. Being kind definitely isn’t always easy, either. I know.

[liikeahummingbiird]

I also stepped in dog sh!t today in the backyard and oh my word did my mood ever go south! We have a pooper scooper, but Matt didn’t clean up after them this morning and I walked right through a nice-sized poo as I was carrying the baby around, who happens also to have become a Velcro baby lately (if I set her down for any length of time, she cries). So my one good pair of sneakers still has poop on it because I’ve literally had zero time to clean them. Matt wasn’t able to help because he was in the office today. Honestly… having a baby really turns me off to any pets currently because it’s just that much extra work. And with the hair clumps from the sheltie all over the main floor… it is just too much! I haven’t been able to get anything done all day apart from the baby. Her naps have even been very short. It’s just a phase, but holy cow. My mood flips so fast now.

[liikeahummingbiird]

Not too much to say here. I finally have two simple prints up in the nursery. I intend for the room to remain fairly plain because it’s such a small space and too much stuff on the walls can make it feel even smaller.

I also love how much baby E loves her mobile. It’s not very aesthetically pleasing (there are some gorgeous mobiles out there!), but the high contrast best keeps her attention.

And finally, I love those legs. She’s such a chonker!

[liikeahummingbiird]

I talked on the phone with my surgeon boss about me not returning after maternity leave and although it was hard, she was very understanding and was thinking that’s what this chat was going to be about. We truly made such a fantastic team because she has a very direct/executive/highly intuitive/intelligent personality (basically my complete opposite; I can be a rather wishy-washy, indecisive person). She told me what she wanted done and I’d make it happen. I really do wish her the best and if I ever needed bowel/abdominal surgery, I’d pick her in a heartbeat.

My coworkers know as well and although they were sad, they were also very understanding. I love them all so dearly ♥️ They basically became my family, after all.

I’m going to have to return my laptop and monitors in the next couple of weeks as well as gather my belongings from the office. Hopefully I’ll get to say some more goodbyes as well.

It’s all so bittersweet, but I overall feel at peace with this decision, and that’s what matters.

[liikeahummingbiird]

My sister recently turned me onto this again. Grandma would make Ovaltine drinks for us when we were kids. It’s so yummy without being high in calories and facilitates sleep. Love it!

[liikeahummingbiird]

I waited til the last minute to put in my two weeks’ notice. I let my supervisor know yesterday and it was surprisingly way less painful than I was anticipating (I’ve never been without a job since I was 16, when I worked the summers at a jewelry store). I’ve yet to let my coworkers and surgeon know (all of whom I adore), but I feel like such a large weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I feel confident in the direction I’ve chosen to take. This was my supervisor’s response, which was incredibly encouraging for me to read:

I love how she said that it’s the “most important thing I can do” (she herself is a mother). And heck no, I can’t imagine being on a triage line all day, but that was sweet of her to offer, regardless!

Childcare is a 24/7 job and I’m very grateful that my husband has given me a good environment to raise our little in. I need to focus my attention on the baby. Yes, we will need to be more frugal (and I know how to be frugal; I was once a poor college student who worked for a meager hourly wage at a library and then as a CNA), but this is for a temporary season of life. I’ll keep my RN license active and jump back into the workforce after the most crucial years of attachment and emotional development for baby E (which are ages 0-3). Perhaps even beyond that, if we decide to homeschool for a period of time. We’d also like to have one more kid, if that’s possible. Only time will tell what I end up doing.

[liikeahummingbiird]

Little nuggie isn’t such a little nuggie anymore. She is just 2 months, 1 week old, but she’s almost already outgrown her swing (I’m sad over this because it’s been tremendously helpful in calming her down). She’s fully into her 3 month clothing (0-3 months is too small, save for maybe two of her onesies) and is such a little chonker! It’s adorable how chunky her thighs and belly are. She’s got quite the double chin, too 😆 She’s over 14 pounds and I find that I can no longer hold her while getting up from a sitting-to-standing position while on the floor; I have to lay her on the floor first and then squat to pick her up.

Developmentally, she’s becoming so “chatty,” making lots of cooing noises, lots of smiles, and sometimes little brief giggles here and there. She’s becoming bored of her play mat more quickly. She used to be completely absorbed by the white polka dot tent over the play mat, but now she’s bored by it. I walk her around with her head facing forward for stimulation but oh my gosh, my back pays for that after a while! She’s got pretty great neck control, too.

She doesn’t like her stroller but happily walks with me in the baby wrap carrier.

Just trying to absorb everything while I can because these first few months entail a ton of changes in a baby. It all goes by soooo fast!

[liikeahummingbiird]

My baby’s full-faced smiles with her eyes and mouth turn me into a puddle of goo every time 😭😍 I just love the little nuggie so much!

[liikeahummingbiird]

Why does it seem so many drivers from Illinois are so aggressive? I was tailgated by one a couple days ago even though I was driving 5 mph over the speed limit! I should have driven 5 mph under… There are so many of them living right on the lakeshore during the summer (they must mostly be rich as well because those are definitely summer homes). It’s not a nice term, but they (the aggressive ones) are called “FIBs” (acronym) in Michigan and I think it’s the same in Wisconsin. My BIL is also from Illinois 😆 I’m making a major generalization, of course, but nicknames don’t come from nowhere!

[liikeahummingbiird]

Life is now all about “how much can I get done before the baby wakes up?” every 2-3 hours or so.

[liikeahummingbiird]

Question: what is the scariest book you’ve ever read?

For me, it was Bird Box by Josh Malerman. This book in particular made me have the craziest dreams and nightmares, yet I could not put this book down. The Netflix film equivalent did no justice for it either, imo. It was totally disappointing. There were too many psychological thriller aspects for a film to hold a flame to this book.

Matt and I are currently listening to Nuclear War by Annie Jacobsen. Now, this book is absolutely terrifying in that this could very well happen one day to the world. All that I can say is that the Commander in Chief of the US, whomever that may be, better have a good, level head on his or her shoulders.

[liikeahummingbiird]

I picked blueberries with my MIL over the weekend and noticed yesterday that there were minuscule white larvae-like things on some of the blueberries. They were all dead after being refrigerated (and washed). I looked them up and apparently they’re “blueberry maggots,” which are the larvae of a variety of fruit fly that lay their eggs on blueberries.

Yes, I was throughly grossed out. I wonder how many of those I ate? At least they were a source of protein 💀

[liikeahummingbiird]

Our baby gets 3 vaccines tomorrow - her hep B booster, pneumococcal vax, and polio vax. I nearly cried when she got just one last time and I can’t imagine what it’ll be like tomorrow. Her pain makes me so sad 😭 At least it’s temporary and of course, very necessary!

[palatinewolfsblog]

"Being rude is easy. It does not take any effort and is a sign of weakness and insecurity. Kindness shows great self-discipline and strong self-esteem. Being kind is not always easy when dealing with rude people. Kindness is a sign of a person who has done a lot of personal work and has come to a great self-understanding and wisdom. Choose to be kind over being right, and you’ll be right every time because kindness is a sign of strength." U.N. Owen.

[liikeahummingbiird]

Book 📖

Baby 👶

Bath 🛀

[liikeahummingbiird]

Matt absolutely LOVES the show Community. That’s good for him, but I don’t think it’s that funny? It’s too silly for me, like Scrubs. That’s just me! I have a hard time finding comedy sitcoms funny, apart from Seinfeld, Frasier, and The Office, which he was never really drawn to. I like dramas the most!

Senses of humor are interesting!