itβs been a moment since i wrote on here but woah life has been so up and down. with all the madness iβve just had the wackiest sapphic experience. basically iβve been really struggling with my first real heartbreak. iβve dealt with breakups before, bad ones. but this one was insanely different. i realized how genuinely in love i was with this person and how genuinely loved they made me feel. weβd been friends before starting to date and built a really great connection (which is something foreign to me thanks to the small sapphic pool and modern dating app culture). the reason for breaking up felt like something out of a dramatic 2013 teen romance film. itβs a situation i never really thought i would have to consider until later in life. i donβt want to get into the specifics but it truly added to the overall ache i battled for about 4 months.
after feeling like a part of myself had died, after just wanting to love this person till i couldnβt, after all the confusion and deep griefβ¦i snapped at some of the people closest to me. i was embarrassed, disappointed, and saddened about it but that snap made me sort of snap back to reality? i hadnβt felt like myself at all in 4 months. i cried almost every day and had the most depressing thoughts. i was trying to heal but nothing was working. after snapping, i could breathe a little again. now the issue was that i had created a new problem for a slightly healthier me. with that being said iβve been trying to create better habits- starting small- like taking my vitamins, doing 1 productive thing a day, going on walks, wearing purfume i like. iβm trying to re learn how to be my own friend and look out for myself. itβs been nice- just sort of sad because some of the closest people in my life need space from me right now. iβm obviously respecting that since iβve honestly not been the best friend due to my depressive state but it still hurts since i am feeling better. honestly i just really hope that they know me better than that and they come back. this isnβt the crazy sapphic situation but simply a part of this story that iβm unfortunately dealing with. :/
after some context heres the sapphic shit- a few days ago i was working a drag event. i invited my friend/drag sibling to go out with me after i was done working. i made myself all done up for the event because i tip kitten (grab dollars, help drag performers, etc). we hadnβt hung out in a while due to the holidays so we had a lot to catch up on. we had some drinks and smoked a little weed, it was nice to catch up and let loose! as we were bar hopping we were both trying to find someone to flirt with. we went to the local lesbian bar and talked about how a lot of the sapphic folx in there seemed like a foreign version of what a lesbian was to us. everyone just seemed more neurotypical and uninterested so we left after dancing to some mediocre music lol. the next bar we went to the vibe seemed a bit different. we made our way to the dance floor and i began to flail around to the beat. i accidentally knocked the drink out of their hand- i was so embarrassed. i offered to give them mine and they reassured me that it was okay so we kept dancing. one thing led to another and we got closer and closer until they asked to kiss me. i teased them that they shouldβ¦and i liked it. mind you- i feel close with this person, weβre good friends, in the same drag family, and weβve both been going through tough break ups. weβve been taking turns supporting each other through the tough times and have seen each other at emotionally vulnerable states. kissing them felt good but confusing? i guess iβve been conflicted about what happened that night. we ended up ubering back to my place (i also live with my drag mother lol) and my roommate was up. we stumbled into my room acting as casually as we could and things got heated quickly. it was kind of erotic having to muffle moans and βcomplainingβ about having to be quiet. they would whisper in my ear that they wanted to hear me. i was made to hold my hand over my mouth tighter and tighter until it became too hard to fight feeling so good. it wasnβt until we were finished and recuperating that i realized i didnt close the door all the way. i havenβt really talked to my roommate but i hope they didnβt hear anything because the kicker is that my friend is supposed to move in at the end of the monthβ¦is my life a porn?
anyways this friend and i talked a little after. we both said we enjoyed what had taken place but needed to take things slow. VERY slow. tbh iβm still not completely over my ex as it was a complicated situation and theyβre also still processing things with their ex. we both care about each otherβ¦and weβre about to be roommates. iβm honestly hoping that this doesnβt get awkward because it could be kind of hot? i guess iβm just trying to look at all of this positively haha