NAME: Lila Durmaz
NICKNAME(S): Lils, Lil, Lala
AGE: Twenty-nine
BIRTHDAY: October 11th
GENDER IDENTIFICATION: Cis Woman (she/her)
SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Straight
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Single
RESIDENTIAL AREA: Gas Town
OCCUPATION: Manager of Lochlan’s Tavern
POSITIVE TRAITS: loving, humble,
NEGATIVE TRAITS: insecure, addictive, unreliable
Trigger warnings: death, addiction, rehab, drinking, neglect, drowning
Childhood never resembled the warmth and comfort she saw in shows and movies. No one tucked her in. No one kissed her boo boos. At the same time, she knew there was worse, like being truly on her own or even the evils her mind couldn’t fully wrap around. Lila’s mother, as she heard described by the other adults in her life, wasn’t cut out to be a mother. There were moments of kindness and gentleness, but mostly the woman wasn’t around much. She worked long hours, only to come home drunk. When it came to her father, she never asked, and her mother never spoke about him.
Lila loved her little sister more than anything. The two took care of one another, filling all the roles the adults in their life left empty. The pair became very self-sufficient on their own. At the age of 10, a freak accident left Lila completely alone. A winter day at the park lead to her little sister drowning in the frozen lake. Most of the day remains a blur in her mind, from calling for help to the ambulances to watching them pull her sister from the cracked ice.
A hole was created in the little girl. Her mother seemed to retreat even further. The drinking seemed to worsen. Lila noticed how she started spending more time around her aunt and uncle and their kids. At school, the counselors began paying her more attention. A resentment began to build, wondering if the little extra care could have prevented the accident. Nightmare plagued her at night, beginning the sleeping problems she’d battle for the rest of her life. The boughs of depression felt more inevitable the more she observed her own mother.
As Lila grew older, the more she retreated into herself. To the rest of the world, she was sweet, independent, smart, and capable, but it all presented as a façade to hide the demons. She hated the way it felt to be watched by the counselors and adults in her life, worried about her being another tragedy. By the age of 14, she started drinking. It numbed everything. Around the end of high school, the drinking became more of a problem – something people started to notice. She’d end up passed out at parties, or late to school.
College never even crossed her mind, even though she maintained good grades. It would never be something she was able to afford. The diner around the corner put up a hiring sign, and so it was. Lila worked in the diner saving up for a little place to call her own. She never expected him to walk into her life. The feelings were very real very quickly, which ultimately lead to getting knocked up. Lila told him, fully prepared for him to leave, or run away, or ask her to get rid of it. Instead, he seemed excited. For a while she felt as if she stumbled into a happy life.
She convinced herself she could be better for those she loved. Struggling through pregnancy, not being able to drink, she felt into a deep depression. It was a difficult time in her life that made it hard to see how she’d come out the other side. A week after the baby was born, Lila packed up her things in left. She had already fell back into drinking. Ultimately, she knew they’d be better off without her.
Leaving made it all more intense for her – the depression and the drinking. For years she was in and out of rehab, struggling with all the demons she placed on the back burner. Her first year sober, she met someone. It made her feel light again, like happiness could be in her future. A couple months into the relationship, she began to feel guilty about how she left her own daughter behind.
2 years sober, Lila is heading back to her hometown ready to make up for lost time.
