i spent my weekend in peace. devoting it to myself. talking to those i knew would give me peace. and all for what? so that i could feel the small bit of confidence i had restored in myself fall apart. it doesn’t matter how much homework i did, it wasn’t enough. it doesn’t matter how well i washed my face, im still breaking out becuase of my stress. it doesn’t matter how far i went to prevent an anxiety attack, im still hitting my head against the wall. i feel defeated. and worst of all, i hate myself for feeling that way. i have felt it for too long, felt hopeless, lost, and unmotivated in every part of my life. i struggled to get out of bed this morning. it shouldn’t be that difficult to drag myself into the shower just to rinse off at the very least. but it was. and the fact that my family and my friends discredit everything i feel every single day and then immediately go into how easy it is to get my life back in order and how others they know have it worse disheartens me even more. i know its easy, but do you know how difficult it is for me? do you know what im really going through? are you there for me when im awake at two in the morning? do you see me crying in my car on the way from work? do you see how often i drive somewhere far away only to leave ten minutes later because everything became too much? dont tell me its easy. trust me, i know. i don’t know if it’s worth it anymore, though.
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jacobvanloon
