there she goes my beautiful world

lily evans. i don't do bullshit and i don't tolerate you if you do. ok? deal with it. other than that; i'm pretty friendly. really. i just happen to like shouting a lot. BASICALLY, get into an argument with me and I'll win, no doubt about it, but if you're not an idiot chances are we'll be good friends.

[geezbye]

[lilyevansing-blog]

lily&marlene || at least things can't get any worse || 31/10

[thebadgermckinnon]

Marlene can’t help but roll her eyes at Lily’s comment. She loves the girl, adores her and values her friendship like nothing else, but damn did Lily know how to ruin a good time. It’s practically her day job. She’s a cynic and always feels the need to voice all of the thoughts and opinions she has (typical Gryffindor really) that just makes everything awkward afterward. Marlene is the type who just wants to enjoy things and smile, and Lily makes that more difficult than it ought to be. She causes Marlene to think about things and whenever that happens suddenly nothing seems worthy of a smile.

But today is Halloween and Marlene is determined to enjoy it and get Lily to have something that at least resembles a good time even if it kills her.

“Actually little missy,” Marlene says turning toward Lily and placing her hands on her hips. “I brought you here to have some fun. To loosen up for a night. Merlin knows you need it.” She pokes Lily in the arm. “Like majorly. I think your scowls have scowls Lil.”

She takes the can from Lily and takes a small sip. Despite what plenty of people think, Marlene is not one for alcohol. She doesn’t get the appeal. When Lily asks her question, Marlene raises her eyebrows and smiles a close mouthed wicked smile. She puts her drink on the nearest table (and has no plans of picking it up again) and takes Lily’s hand. She leads her toward the music. Majority of people are drinking and playing cards, that more than anything else makes Marlene second guess her decision. She could easily change course and lead Lily toward a group playing cards but no. Marlene loves to dance, loves almost anything involving body movement really, and she’s determined to loosen Lily up a bit. People dance all the time, it’s no big deal, she tells herself. Besides there are people dancing, just not as many as Marlene would like.

“Feel free to get smashed if you wish,” she says while walking. “But you Lil have a lot of pent up aggression and you know what’s a good way of dealing with that?” She twirls Lily and pulls her toward her like she would do with her little sister in their dancing lessons, placing her hand on Lily’s waist. “Dancing!” And she smiles widely.

[lilyevansing-blog]

"Nah, nah, nah," Lily says. She can be spectacularly annoying when she wants to, which was, she had to be realistic, much of the time. Marlene places her hand on Lily's hips and steers her toward the dance floor with her characteristic steely grip, and Lily senses Marlene is in one of those moods where she's going to make her have a good time against her will. Unfortunately, this seems to happen on the regular. 

"Excellent, poker game," Lily mutters, eager to either break or lose some cash, and starts stumbling over to the crowded table, arm-in-arm with Marlene, when she feels Marlene steering her away, "Spoilsport," she slurs, acting more drunk than she actually is. God, I'm going to get so smashed, Lily thinks. Good. Marlene can have a good time without alcohol, but I'm a boring emotionally-stunted whiny sod, and therefore alcohol is a part of my repertoire. "Um, Marlene, you know I'm shitty at dancing, right? Like, spectacularly, embarrassingly shitty?"

Marlene makes no matter of it, like she never does, and spins Lily around, one hand on her waist. Lily can't but laugh - Marlene is the only one, apart from, embarrassingly, James Potter, that can make her let go and laugh these days. "Fine, Marls! Fine!" she shouts, above the music, grabbing both her wrists and shaking hips along to the music, deliberately attracting attention from the watching boys of the dancing redhead Gryffindor and blonde Hufflepuff not giving a damn what anyone else thinks in the Slytherin Common Room. Some part of her wants James Potter to be watching this. Lily loves causing a scene, loves Marlene, and misses her girlfriends, misses simply having a raving time and having everyone's eyes on her, misses not having to think about war and Severus and House Black and Lord Voldemort. 

Utterly impulsively, although it could be the already copious amounts of alcohol she's consumed, ignoring the fact it's early in the evening, Lily flings her arms around Marlene. She wonders if Marlene's shocked at this - Marlene is certainly a tactile girl, but Lily isn't. "Loooove you," she says, "and I'm a shitty friend and a whiny sod and I'm sorry you have to put up with it every year." In truth, she feels like she doesn't know what's even up with Marlene anymore.

"Sorrrrrrry," Lily slurs, into Marlene's ear, burying her face in her neck, drooling on her shoulder, "Play me Truth. Tell me everything that's happening with you. Who you like, who you hate, who you want to fuck, who you regret fucking... all that shit. Sorrrrrry," she slurs again, feeling more saliva drip onto Marlene's shoulder. I started drinking too early.

[lilyevansing-blog]

esme&lily || 31/10 || she's so hard

[acerbusdomina]

“It’s not that simple, Evans. It’s never that simple.” Esme says quietly, her pokerface firmly back in place. “You know that.”

She’s very, very conscious of the fact that this place is swarming with Slytherins, and any one of these people could report back this conversation to numerous people who would not sit kindly in having an almost-ally discussing Death Eater business with a Gryffindor, and Lily Evans at that. She needs to get them out of here.

Fuck it. If she’s going to do this, she might as well have fun and do something she’s wanted to since about fourth year. Esme swoops forward and firmly places her red painted lips on Evans’, who immediately goes rigid. There’s whistling, and a couple of catcalls, and she swings around so she’s straddling Lily, her lips moving away from her mouth and towards her ear. “Play along. You can come back to my dorm. No chance of being overheard there.” Esme hisses, her voice so quiet that only someone who’s face was as close to Lily as hers was would be able to hear. Through the curtain of red hair, Esme can see Rodolphus’ eyes on her. She winks and puts on the display of being very drunk indeed.

(She steals another kiss, just because she can.)

She stands up in something closer to a stumble and drags Lily with her. “C’mon Evans.” she slurs, voice loud enough to heard, but not overtly so. “I’ve got something to show you. In my room.” and they cross the room, moving out of the portrait hole and into the cooler air of the corridor.

[lilyevansing-blog]

"Fucking Jesus, Esme," Lily says. Tonight isn't turning out like she's planning. She was expecting to turn up at Marlene's behest, be absolutely smashed, snog the face off some random Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff she was never going to see again, then slink off back to Gryffindor Tower with her tail between her legs, letting more rumour and spite make its way about Slytherin House. 

Instead, she's got Esme Garcia planting her entirely unwelcome shockingly bright red lips on her face. 

She has to admit, it's rather a turn on.

"Fuck you," Lily mutters, refusing to admit she's enjoying Esme. Also, she appreciates Esme's pragmatic attempts at them having a political conversation without being surrounded by a pit of vicious snakes. Shame it's more about protecting her own skin than anything else. "God, if Rodolphus fucking Lestrange is watching this," she says, and then, because she's more intoxicated than she thought, and because Esme is unquestionably attractive, Lily kisses her back, quickly, brushing a strand of Esme's black hair off her lips, "Don't think anything of that. I'm just playing along," she says, again, obstinate, absolutely insistent, and lets Esme take her hand and drag them out the common room, Lily stumbling along behind. "This better be good. Contrary to the rumours, my lips aren't for just anyone." Lily rambles, slurring, seeming to have consumed far more alcohol than Esme. "Are we going to Ravenclaw dorms or what?"

Lily lets go of Esme immediately as they leave the portrait hole. It's not that she doesn't like feeling Esme - to her annoyance, and her absolute loathe to admit, she loves it far more than she should, than she's ever expected to - but she doesn't want to look like an idiot, collapsing over Esme's feet like everyone that's too fucking scared of her, and she's got information to get. "Like I said, this better be good. If I'm getting off with you, I want to get it something actually decent out of it, thanks very much. Sorry," Lily finishes, coolly.

[lilyevansing-blog]

james&lily | she's got you high | early morning of november, pre-hogsmeade

[jaamespotter-deactivated2013102]

James is shivering slightly as he makes his way out the Quidditch pitch, stamping his feet hard to warm them up slightly; he’s been awake for what feels like hours already, staring up at the hangings of his four-poster bed and waiting for it to be an acceptably-late enough time to go down to the Great Hall and get some breakfast before heading outside. He regrets not sleeping more; honestly, he wishes he could have slept more. But the thing is….is. He really doesn’t know what the thing is, anymore, that’s part of the problem.

He can’t quite put his finger on what changed, or when, but the fact of the matter is that he and Lily left Hogwarts in June with not a single amicable exchange between them, and came in September, and were friends. There’s more to it, of course; but the fact of the matter is that they’ve been running together a couple of times now, and sometimes she’ll sit with him and the others at meals, and of course they share a couple of classes; it’s — odd. Good, yes, obviously, but odd, because this was the summer James thought he was doing the mature thing and getting over any last hopes, this was the summer James thought he was going to come back to Hogwarts and be cool and aloof around her, and now —

Well. They’re friends, almost, kind of. It’s nice. 

“All right, Evans?” he grins, looking up when she jogs down to meet him by the goal hoop he’s been leaning against. “Nice of you to show up.”

[lilyevansing-blog]

Lily grins, and hugs James, quickly. She doesn't do touchy-feely relations or anything like that, she's not a tactile person. On the other hand, James appears to be one, and at loathe to admit it she is, right now, James is the one person making her happy. "No faith in me?" Lily asks, mockingly. "Eh, fair dues, haven't exactly given you the time of day for the last two years."

She remembers James's old crush on her, how he used to ask her out constantly, embarrass her in front of Severus and her other friends. Remembers his and Severus's raging fights. Glad that's over. She doesn't want James fawning about her, doesn't want him crushing on her again, just wants a stable, trusting friend. So, Lily slings an arm about James's neck, and they stumble, lazily, on a long, friendly walk across the Quidditch pitch, Lily's scarf whipping about his face. 

"Heard something the other night," Lily admits, wanting to take something off her mind that's been bothering her. She hasn't seen Marlene since the party, and doesn't know who else to tell. She's been... not scared, but certainly uneasy, not safe, since Esme revealed it to her last night, "Well, okay, last night. Slytherin's Halloween party. Apparently, like, that crowd... Bellatrix, the Lestranges, both Carrows, plus the rest of them - you know who I'm talking about - there's going to be some oncoming storm they're planning. I don't know what it is. But I'm worried. Bellatrix, Rodolphus, Amycus, Alecto, none of that lot do anything by halves. And it's true. They've all joined up with You-Know-Who. Look, I can't tell you who told me. But it's true, there's Death Eaters in this school, and they're gonna pull something. Something huge. Apparently they've been antsy for weeks."

Lily doesn't know why she's told James, except that she needed to tell someone, and James is the first familiar face she's seen since Esme. Naturally, she didn't tell James what else she and Esme had gotten up to. "James, I'm gonna admit this. I'm fucked, I'm fucking fucked, and I've no idea what to do. There's people running around here that want me dead, want my people dead, and I can't do anything about it. And by the sounds of it, there's gonna be a palace coup."

[lilyevansing-blog]

Though all hell a-sail me, I shall not be moved.

[lilyevansing-blog]

james&lily | she's got you high | early morning of november, pre-hogsmeade

It's a frosty sunny morning, first of November, and although there's a Hogsmeade outing later that day, which Lily isn't desperately looking forward to - she's got no-one to go out with, Marlene and Dorcas aren't about, she and Mary aren't talking, and as for Severus, she's been avoiding him for days. She doesn't want to talk about their summer alcohol entanglement, not when it makes her burn with shame every time she thinks of it. Instead, she's come outside to the Quidditch Pitch, with James Potter, out for her morning run, before he disappears off to whatever stupid hijinks he and those mates of his are up to.

She doesn't know at all how exactly this relationship with James Potter started, like her entire stratagem she's based her world on has collapsed. Had she told herself last summer that she'd be split from Sev and carrying on a weird secret friendship with James, where they talked shit to each other and punched one another on the arms and had a strange friendly banter... honestly, it's like an affair, keeping it secret from her usual principles.

Lily hasn't been able to take her mind off what Esme said last night, that something was coming, that the Blacks, the Carrows, the Lestranges were all signed up to Lord Voldemort. She's debating whether to tell Potter or not - on one hand, he's the only friend she has right now. On the other, it's not his fight. James doesn't seem to understand the war like she does. He might make some flippant remark, or do some stupid pureblooded bullshit.

"Morning, Potter," she says, jogging up to join him, red scarf whipping at her face, auburn hair rippling in the wind, the winter frosts on the trimmed grass sparkling with dirt as she crunched on them with her boots. She makes an attempt to hide her worry on her face, but she's always been a bad liar.

[lilyevansing-blog]

esme&lily || 31/10 || she's so hard

[acerbusdomina]

Esme listens to her little tirade and says nothing. She pulls out her wand—and feels Evans stiffen (she almost wants to roll her eyes, I’m no threat to you at the moment, copperknob, and I certainly won’t waste my breath cursing you)—before muttering a small spell which removes all the shards of glass from her hand. She then pokes her wand again, this time over each of the cuts, and watches them close and become practically faded old scars.

“That might twinge for a couple of days, don’t do anything stupid like punch someone in the face.” Esme replies, tucking her wand back down in her cleavage.

She’s not quite sure why she healed Evans—somewhere between wanting to shut her up and feeling a small slither of remorse in her veins about the whole situation. She’s right, of course, that Esme is most certainly getting the better deal for the upcoming fight. She herself doesn’t give a owls arse about purity and all that bollocks—she’s an observer, and she knows that that Ancient ’pure’ houses are rotting at the core, all that incest and musty air. This War might decimate them all.

“When I say I’m sorry about that shit, I genuinely mean it.” maybe the alcohol is talking, but Esme feels the need to explain herself. “Blood purity is a load of shit and anyone with a working brain can figure that out—I mean, look at them all.” she gesticulates, the Slytherin common room a living fossil of hundreds of years of it. The walls are covered in paintings of Lestranges, Rosiers, Blacks, the whole lot; whilst their youngest descendants fuck their cousins because they don’t want to contaminate the blood line. “I know what it’s like to be a minority, too.”

“The Lestranges. The Blacks. Carrows. The whole lot have sworn allegiance. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s something coming. They’re all been acting odd recently.” Esme intones, desperately hoping that no one overhears, maintaining a calm facade.

[lilyevansing-blog]

Lily's taken aback by Esme's actions, never expecting the other girl to be so charitable. "Cheers," Lily says, uncertainly, stiffening, and flexing her fingers. She doesn't like other people touching or manhandling her. "Shame," Lily says, attempting to make a joke, "I love punching people in the face all the time." Then, she winces, realising it's actually very true. She has a terrible reputation for not being able to contain her temper. "You didn't need to heal me," Lily mutters, regaining her usual prickly sense of responsibility. She hates people trying to help her, thinking she can't cope. "I can do it myself."

She sees Esme's face twinge a little at Lily's little rant, and feels a pang of shock. Esme's a master at poker face - Lily should know, she's lost too many a game to her. No-one gets through to her. "Oh. Right. Well. Cheers. Then why don't you fucking do something about it?" Lily simply doesn't understand Esme's style of staying back and observing. She's a doer, not a thinker, and the idea that Esme can disagree with something and not do anything about it is alien to her. "Jesus, like. Nice if you're sorry and all but doesn't exactly make much difference to me if I end up dead in a ditch and you're just, eh, what a loss. 'Sides, who are you going to bitch and play poker with? Lestrange doesn't seem like a laugh a minute, to be quite honest."

Her expression becomes colder at Esme's continuation. If Esme's nervous at talking, it must be bad. Lestranges? Blacks? Carrows? She didn't expect it to be so many. Lily takes a deep breath, and suddenly her new scars start to twinge. "So what you're telling me is that I'm walking right in a fucking snake pit. Cheers for the heads up, Esme," Lily says, sardonically. Then, she looks at all the mooching Slytherins, dancing and fucking and secretly planning to kill people like her. "Then help me," Lily mutters, "You don't seem that enthused. I saw you drop your voice, trying to keep calm. You don't want Bellatrix Black or Rodolphus or that lot hearing you. Then help me get rid of them. You can do shit I can't."

[lilyevansing-blog]

closed to andromeda&lily | 1/11 |

[incalico-deactivated20121213]

Andromeda didn’t really want to go to Hogsmeade. Especially today since she’s still a bit hungover from last night. Nevertheless, she went anyway, just to get an early start on the Christmas shopping. Her list consists gifts for Bella, Cissa, Reg, Sirius, then friends like Marlene.

She’d already bought Cissa’s gift, when she stops in front of Honeydukes. She goes in, most likely to get Regulus some candy and sweets. She was browsing through the shelves when a sudden chill went through her spine and everyone started darting through the door, windows were busted, and a fire started blazing near the back.

All the sudden, there are black cloaks and masked creatures around her and Andromeda feels nothing. She stands there, stricken, dropping the candy she was holding. There were flashes of green, and red. And it wasn’t before long, that Andromeda had begun moving, trying to find a way out of the shop. As an instinct, she pulls out her wand. More flashes of lights, whiz past her, with every obligation to dodge it. Everyone is screaming and running, and though still shocked, Andromeda feels a certain calmness inside. There is a part of her, saying, I am a Black. If anything does happen to me, there will consequences. Bella will take care of that, she loves me. (Even if she is a part of this.)

And that’s what the Death Eaters do, they avoid her. Pureblood and all, they wouldn’t want to waste pure blood.

In the midst of the scene, she sees a particular red attempting to run from a cloak. Her age, Gryffindor, it didn’t matter. Andromeda’s maternal instinct went to her help. She realized it was that girl, Evans, the one that James Potter would always pester. During the times, Andy had seen her she would always seem indignant, doesn’t take bullshit, good for her. But this time, she looked so close to tears, like a little child looking for parents in a chaotic shop. When Andromeda got to her, she immediately pushes her off to the side, but she did it with so much force, that Evans fell. “Stupefy!” she casted the spell, as the Death Eater performed a nonverbal spell that gave a sharp pain to her calf. At least, they’ve both hit their targets correctly because the Death Eater stumbled a few feet away and Andromeda’s left calf is bleeding invariably.

She takes Evan’s hand, pulls her up, and though she knows her, asks “Name?” and they leave that forsaken place.

[lilyevansing-blog]

"Lily," Lily says, muttering with unbridled frustration. She knows who the other girl is, of course. Everyone knows those girls. "Get your fucking hands off me. I don't need people like you."

Lily looks at Andromeda's calf, and although she knows how to stop the blood, does nothing about it. She spits at Andromeda, and it's childish, she knows, it's ugly and gross, just when Andromeda Black's rescued her from certain death, but that's why she's angry, because it's Andromeda Black, it's Andromeda fucking Black, it's a Black daughter, a stupid rich pampered girl that's got nothing to lose here, that doesn't have to fight, because why would any of those monsters back there dare lay a hand on a princess of House Black? It's humiliating, and she hates herself more than anything for letting herself be rescued by someone so privileged in this fight, letting fucking rich girl Andromeda Black swan in and rescue her. It's beyond everything in Lily's comprehension - she hates anyone like Andromeda on pure sight, hates her for her sole existence, for having everything she is denied by mere virtue of birth. Now here she is, playing the saviour, the role she can slip in and out of whenever she likes, pretending to rescue and give a damn about girls like Lily. She remembers Esme Garcia's words last night - "The Blacks... they've all sworn allegiance" - and she wonders what Esme would say right now if she saw her like this. 

Shame burns in her eyes, hot virulent tears of shame, as she and Andromeda stumble out of Honeydukes, and she collapses against the wall, shaking. Seized with an uncontrollable anger, she grabs Andromeda's wrist, digs her nails further in. "Get your filthy inbred hands away from me," Lily snarls, eyes bloodshot and raw. "You don't get to care. You don't get to suddenly swan in and rescue me, not when it doesn't affect you. You're a bitch, a spoiled rich cow that pretends to care when it's convenient. God, you're like Sirius, acting like you care just so you can rebel against your precious aristocratic family. You're as poisonous as the rest of them. And that's never gonna change, no matter how you might want it to, because it's who you are. You're still as bad as them just because you dare to exist," Lily says, bitterly. Lily's lived in working-class Manchester her entire life, and the idea of posh girls like Andromeda acting like precocious little rebels made her angrier than she could've thought possible. She cocks an eyebrow at Andromeda. "So what was it? Heard Bellatrix and her mates were in the neighbourhood, planning a coup. Felt sorry for all the poor little people and was in the mood for showing the family that you're a right little rebel? Because wow, thanks. I'm so fucking grateful."

She pauses, there, collects herself, fires a bitter Stupefy at a masked someone edging up to her and Andromeda. No, to me, not Andromeda. He's more likely here to send her packing back to her psycho sister. She stops, thinking. It's not just Andromeda that she's angry about. It's that she panicked, that she couldn't fight, that her pure righteousness wasn't enough to get her through. This war is more than she thought. Someone like Andromeda needed to rescue her, someone for whom it wasn't their war. She isn't as ready for this war as she thought, and that sends a fracture shaking down her core.

[lilyevansing-blog]

Snape&Lily || flashback: do you want the truth or something beautiful? || august 1976

In the Rose & Crown, a dirty bar in Manchester she and Severus used to knock about in, Lily's alone. It's a grim experience, being alone in a place she's so used to associating with the person she's shared her entire life with, and now, being leered at by older men with fag-smelling breath and sitting alone, nursing the cheap alcohol she and Sev used to push their money and fake IDs together to buy some of. She winces. She's a walking fucking cliche. 

She doesn't regret her decision to break off her relationship with Snape. She doesn't. Or, she shouldn't. She loathes herself, absolutely dispassionately loathes herself when she nostalgically reaches back for her memories of Sev, longing to be back and hanging with him in the back of whatever grotty Manchester nightclub they've sneaked into this time. She loathes that she misses someone so that's so staunchly in the way of her political beliefs and rights, loathes that she's let herself become so fallible. That she let Sev toss around his Mudblood insults to her other peers, turning a blind eye, yet when it came to her, she kicks him out on the turf. She knows it was the right choice, at last, she does. She just can't stop missing him.

Lily looks about for someone to while away the late night and early morning hours with, someone not older than her, preferably, and orders another drink. Usually, she doesn't have trouble attracting male attention - unwanted male attention, she thinks, like James - but tonight, nothing's happening, until someone not at all unfamiliar and entirely unwelcome knocks on her shoulder. "Oh," she says, softly.

[lilyevansing-blog]

esme&lily || 31/10 || she's so hard

[acerbusdomina]

Esme is almost impressed by Evans’ bare-faced cheek. Most people are terrified of her and would not have the guts to go and start a conversation with her, not including the subject matter, about the things she gets up to in her spare time. Her face twists into a grin—she’s impressed. A little bewildered, yes, but impressed all the same.

Beautiful, ballsy and clever. A lethal combination. “Ahh, Evans. The trick is to do your dealing before the party, not during. Everyone stocked up yesterday—” she gestures around, especially to the three Hufflepuff seventh years currently staring at each others hands and crying, quietly. “—I don’t want any of my gear jacked by some upstart who thinks they can rob me, anyway.” It’s a small joke. They both know that if anyone tried to rob Esme, she would deal with it quickly and with an almost lethal force.

(She’s also not working the room because Bellatrix Black told her that she couldn’t. Nothing is worth starting a fight with Bella, even her job.)

Esme’s eyebrows raise and irritation flicks in her. “For fucks sake Evans, talk a little louder, why don’t you? I don’t think Amycus Carrow quite heard you.” she speaks quietly in a pointed whisper (not that Amycus Carrow cares—she knows for a fact he’s either passed out drunk or fucking his sister). “Make no mistake, I’m not scared of them. But you’re everything they hate and people people like that hate tend to end up dead.” She clears her throat and grabs some shots off some passing Ravenclaw, and hands one to Evans.

“If you know so much about what they’re flashing about on their wrists, why are you even bothering to ask me, anyway?” Esme questions suddenly, turning her eyes straight into Evans. “Don’t think you can play me for a fool.”

[lilyevansing-blog]

Lily winces again, and loses her patience. For Lily, patience arrives and disappears soon. "For fuck's sake, Esme," she retorts, angrily, "I don't have time for this shit. I don't know why I'm playing it. It's not my way and you know it. Look, this might be some sexy mysterious game for you or whatever it is that you get up to. I don't care. Of course I know that I'm everything they hate! Of course I know they want me dead! Do you think I'm fucking stupid or something?" 

Her voice rises, temperature flaring. She's too angry to feel embarrassed - she might be overreacting, but one thing she cannot handle is someone else patronising her attitude to the oncoming threat. So, she drains the shot Esme gave her, "You're not scared? That's fantastic, Esme, that's fucking fantastic. It's not like this shit adversely affects you or anything - hell, they'd even like you joining up. I bet they're approaching you any day now. If anything, this war is gonna be good for you. Me?" Lily asks, her throat hurting, fist clenched so tightly on the shot glass that it smashes within her fingers, and little shards of glass crack against her stretched skin, "Listen, I'm not scared. And there's a reason for that. I can't afford to. I'm constantly told I'm a mudblood, I'm not deserving of magic or the wizarding-world, that I'm a piece of shit they can walk over. And when you're told that a lot, it's fucking easy t believe! If I believe them or second-guess myself, I get scared. So if I'm scared, they've won. Understand? I don't let other people win." Lily says, wearily, wondering if she should've cracked like that. Eh. Can't go back.

"I'm not playing you for a fool. That's not for me. I'm just straight out asking you, because that's who I am and I need to know this stuff, because if I don't stay one step ahead, chances are I'm good as dead."

[lilyevansing-blog]

closed to andromeda&lily | 1/11 |

Losing yourself in Hogsmeade is always easy, especially in early winter, where everyone is cramming into shops, avoiding the cold, and some doing early Christmas shopping. Lily herself toys with buying something as a Christmas present, but stops short when she remembers she doesn't exactly know who she's going to be buying for, so instead looks aimlessly about Honeydukes. 

Her conversation with Esme last night rankles in her mind. It's true, these people do loathe her, and she's swimming with sharks, but Esme, for all her wits, doesn't seem to get the same visceral need she has to be involved in this fight - it's a Muggleborn thing; if people loathe her for solely who she is, she needs to be involved in this and fuck the risks. No-one seems to understand this, not even the cleverest people Lily knows, unless it's Dorcas.

She's brought back out of her reverie by a shattering of glass, and suddenly feels the weight of an entire packed store of customers rush into her, followed by the surrounding space breaking into screams and shouts. Shit. Shiiiiiit. Lily looks back, pushing her way against the sea of customers fleeing the store, and her heart catches in her throat when she sees the black hoods and cloaks circling the store, local customers and employees caught in their grip, flashes of red light and shots of fire lighting up the store like a grotesque fireworks display. 

Fuck. This shit doesn't happen. Not here, this is something from the news. This is something you hear on the wireless. Her thoughts are stopped again, by a man in full Death Eater regalia having her, her, yelling an incomprehensible curse, shooting a green light from his wand, and turning the entire store a ghoulish pale green, and someone forces her down. Lily has to fight back a scream, and hates herself for it.

Shit. She's thought of this moment far more times than she'd like to admit, thought of her first ever confrontation with a Death Eater, thought of how she'd fight them off with her bare hands if she needed. Never did she think she'd be made to cower on the floor. All of a sudden, she feels younger and more insignificant than ever before. 

[heartsinsync]

[lilyevansing-blog]

esme&lily || 31/10 || she's so hard

[acerbusdomina]

Esme’s bored, shitless. Bellatrix Black does know how to throw a party, yes, but the company is pretty diabolical and she wishes fifth years would stop asking for her dope at a reduced price; any of her proper customers know that Esme doesn’t cut deal. Ever. It’s like a golden fucking rule, that and shut the bloody doors and stop flashing your gear around at breakfast.

She’s sprawled on a sofa next to the fireplace, watching the world go round. Her costume—not much of a costume, really—is her and Rodolphus’ idea of a ‘sexy cat’ (his idea, not hers, and if she’d had her way she’d had charmed herself to look like Marlene McKinnon, purely for the look on her face) with a criminally short black dress and some ridiculous ears. She’s tempted to fully transform herself into a cat and go and fuck with some Gryffindors, before she sees Lily Evans wandering around the room, obviously searching for someone. Esme assumes that Potter, even Snape would be on her radar, before she realises that Evans is approaching her, not a member of her male fanclub. She stretches languidly and smiles—this, she decides, is going to be fun.

“Evans,” she calls out, moving her legs the other way, giving her space to sit down on the plush green velvet. “What brings you to my neck of the woods?” Esme questions, a smile stretching out over her face. “Most people don’t tend to stray off the path.”

[lilyevansing-blog]

"Garcia," Lily retorts, spikily "I've never been good at sticking to the path. You should know that." Esme seems to have embraced the long-standing tradition of using Halloween parties as an excuse to wear the most revealing attire possible, coupled with a form of animal costuming. She looks good, though, Lily admits to herself, grudgingly. Not that it's like, my thing or anything, but. Damn. Esme Garcia has some good legs. Lily's choice of costuming - Persephone, the woman who joined the Underworld as a living girl and never truly left - with its sheer pale false silk falling just below her knees, looks positively prudish by comparison. 

Lily sits next to Esme, comfortably close, without a hint of trepidation. Esme is a scary person, but Lily herself has never been afraid of her. Lily's never been good at being scared of anything, but fear exists for a reason - something brash Gryffindors like her are liable to forget. "Not dealing, tonight? I would've thought one of Black's parties would be an ideal stomping ground for your market. Aren't you tight with Lestrange?" Lily doesn't do much drugs herself - alcohol, yes, smoking, yes, weed, yes, but she's never gone for the harder stuff. She's aware of the thriving market, however, and she knows Esme must be a core of it. Esme's a part of everything. Speaking of which. Esme should know something about the current state, if any, of Death Eater recruitment in the school. Lily herself has no idea who the potential Death Eaters are, but she takes a wild stab in the dark. Act like you know what you're talking about, see if Esme can confirm it for you. "I heard Bellatrix Black's been flashing about something on her arm. As has Rodolphus Lestrange. Maybe the Carrows too," she says, without flush or shame, looking at Esme. "Come on, Garcia. Aren't you a pro at Hogwarts gossip? Hell, I heard some of the people in this dungeon are passing information to Lord Voldemort right now. Who around here's becoming a Death Eater?" she asks, attempting to sound casual.

She winces, and bites her tongue. It's awfully hammy, like something out of a bad crime film. Looks like I'm not gonna be the new female James Bond agent. Eh. Embarrassingly, this is what she's always been terrible at. She's good at talking out of her ass, good at blagging her way into situations and making stuff up - classic extroverted Gryffindor traits - but when it comes to navigating her way through murky cryptic subtle situations, she's at something of a loss.

[lilyevansing-blog]

esme&lily || 31/10 || she's so hard

Now Marlene's vanished, and Lily's alone, steadily draining yet another Firewhisky. No-one ever expects her to be good with alcohol, but to her, wizards are lightweights compared to Muggles. Get half these purebloods on some absinthe or vodka, and we'll see whose laughing. She's aware she looks like a right loser, getting drunk alone when everyone around her's getting off and dancing, and doing generally, y'know, socialising with other humans.

Whatever. Don't we all get at least one chance to be drunk grumpy pretentious bitches when we're in a bad mood? If not, there should be a law giving us a free pass.

People are forthcoming when intoxicated. It's one of the best things about parties. Although Lily's not a natural when it comes to coaxing information out of someone - she's no Ravenclaw or Slytherin, too brash - she's good at holding her alcohol, and she's good at using other people who aren't good at holding their alcohol. She's not proud of it, but at the same time, she's been sorting out her drunk uncles and family members at Christmas gatherings ever since she was a kid. No-one ever thinks that the Muggle-borns can be just as conniving as the aristocrats. OK, not that I am. But the point still stands! Still, Lily's made a promise to Dorcas that she'll help her out with this magazine thing, although she'll admit, she's not quite fully understanding of how useful it will be. Lily's a fighter, not a writer, and to her, taking people down by sitting in the law courts or publishing a paper, is an absolute waste of time. 

It's why she's looking for Esme Garcia, aka the Ravenclaw drug dealer that seems to have an uncomfortable degree of information on everyone else. If anyone's going to have dirt on the people either feeding information to the war or planning to join up with Lord Voldemort, Lily would place even money on it being Esme. 

She and Esme certainly aren't "close" friends - Lily isn't one for close mates, and she's not sure if Esme is like that or not - but they've spoken before, bitched about annoying people together before, and once of twice, had something akin to fun. She doesn't quite know what Esme thinks of her - she seems to be someone good at hiding her thoughts, and Lily's bad at reading people like that. Right now, though, Esme's her best option, plus, at a party, no-one's going to notice to random girls interrogating one another. Either way, she's bored, and Esme might have secrets and freak people out, but she's never, ever boring. Lily can like someone like that.

[lilyevansing-blog]

lily&marlene || at least things can't get any worse || 31/10

Lily hates herself for letting Marlene take her along to this party, but, that's Marlene's way. Marlene has an irritating habit of making everyone around her much more cheerful. Opposite of Lily. Maybe that was why they were friends. Or it might've been because Marlene is just good at inserting herself into peoples' lives. 

She's been in the Slytherin Common Room before, back when she and Severus were friends. It hurts to think about him, but Lily's a master at blocking something from her mind. Nowadays, of course, she isn't particularly welcome. "Like, great plan, Marlene. Let's go to a party hosted by people that readily want to kill me, and who, personally, I wouldn't mind killing, and see if we can have a friendly drink with them?" Sarcasm is her forte.

Nevertheless, contrary to some's perception of her, Lily's not one to refuse free alcohol, and she likes a good party as much as the rest of them. Plus, her drunk rants are a thing to behold, and she's in a mood for one of them. She slinks over to a keg manned by one of the friendlier Slytherins - it took her a long time to see all Slytherins weren't bigoted, she can be too much of one right hot red mess of anger to see the nuances in sweeping groups - mutters a quick thanks, and then gives one can to Marlene. "So, Marls. Please have a quick explanation of how you're going to make tonight fun, or I'm immediately obliged to get us both absolutely smashed very very quickly."

[lilyevansing-blog]

{dorcas and lily} {september 5th} {no more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world}

[dorcassmeadowes-deactivated2013]

Dorcas bites her lip. Her knee jerk reaction is tell Lily that they could find some other way to raise money. Sell something perhaps. Anything to not have to be in the pocket of some liberal minded pureblood, who could change their mind at any given moment because this was not about them. To them it was just a hobby, a way to rebel, something to do. It wasn’t personal like it was to her and Lily and the others. No matter what bullshit they may preach. But despite her automatic distrust, Dorcas trusts Lily’s judgement and if she thinks he’ll help then who was she, someone who can barely draw up this boy’s face in her mind, to say otherwise?

She licks her lips. “Well, if you’re sure he’d want to help and wouldn’t, you know, back out at the last second or something then sure? Go ahead and ask. If you honestly think he’ll stick with it and stuff. I don’t want anyone who’s just gonna fuck us over and leave us out to dry, you know? But yeah no harm in asking and we need to money so…yeah.”

When Lily asks about her ideas, Dorcas smiles and leans forward on her elbows.

“I was thinking of writing a little something on how waiting until Muggle-borns are eleven to inform them that, you know, magic exists is just stupid, problematic, and can have dire affects on a person. I actually already started writing that err. But stuff like that, you know? Oh! and, okay, you’re going to think I’m insane but hear me out okay? So you know how back in ‘68 the first Muggle-born Minister of Magic, Nobby Leach, just left his post and everyone believed that it was a part of some plot with Abraxas Malfoy that made him leave and yet no one reported on it? Honestly I had to do some serious digging to figure out that Abraxas Malfoy bit. Anyway, I was thinking that maybe I, or we if you’re interested, could ask him a few questions or something? Not necessarily about why he left (though I am really interested in that) but more about the shit he would’ve had to go through and stuff. I have his contact information (don’t ask), I just haven’t sent an owl yet. What do you think about that?”

(Truth be told Dorcas doesn’t have that many people lined up for this project of her’s; she’s kept it close to her chest. She does know a girl over at Dust & Mildew publishing, though, so that’s something at least. Dorcas was never one to beg for people’s approval and input, preferring to keep everything to herself, but with this she needs to know that Lily honestly likes it. She’s not too sure she could do it all on her own, at least not the Nobby Leach bit. She wasn’t sorted into Gryffindor for a reason, she’s not reckless or overly spontaneous. But she needs some Gryffindor with her if she is going through with this, and Lily, if nothing else, is a Gryffindor to the core).  

[lilyevansing-blog]

Lily sees Dorcas bite her lip, and knows that she's overstepped a mark. She shouldn't have suggested it - she understands better than anyone Dorcas's desire to do this free of any pureblood funding. "Sorry," Lily says, and doesn't know why she'd thought of it. Normally, Gryffindor to the core, Lily would be averse to any activism involving some "anti-pureblood-supremacy" purebloods. She winces. It's James Potter - he just gets under her skin. He won't leave her mind. She's more the mildly irritated at herself.

"S'cool. Nah, don't worry. I get it. Dunno why I offered it," she says, muttering, embarrassed, and looks back at Dorcas. "We can do this shit on our own."

Lily stands up, pacing up and down, like whenever she's stewing on an idea. It's one of the reasons everyone else finds her so damn irritating. "Look, we'll do this. We'll put up a sign for a meeting, I'll start yelling at people and promoting it etcetera etcetera, y'know. I can do this! I know what you're like, Meadowes. Always sitting down and writing and never just going for it. I'll organise a meeting okay? I'll persuade McGonagall to let me use the Great Hall. Trust me, I gotta plan. We'll get people involved, get them aware and involved and caring about this. Honestly, there are so many idiots that just stand around saying how terrible Voldemort is and don't fucking do anything. We'll make them turn up to this meeting, set them on jobs and task forces, I'll make sure it happens. Just be there okay, when I put up the date?" Lily asks, eagerly, clapping her hands together, and snatches up her satchel, about to fly from the library. Part of her wants to desperately atone for her so uncharacteristic plan of letting a pureblood have such influence on this. "Just trust me on this thing? Please?" she says, unexpectedly earnest. She doesn't give a shit what anyone else thinks, but she gives a shit what Dorcas thinks. "You can trust me not to fuck this one up, Dorcas, promise."

[lilyevansing-blog]

2 - are you a virgin?

Offering? Take off the mask; then we'll see if I feel the same.

Nah, I'm not. Lost my virginity soon after I turned sixteen; summer fling, boyfriend back in Manchester I never saw again. 

Just as disappointing as I thought it would be, actually. (Why yes, I do get off on being a pessimist.)