Journey Through Healing...

[madeline-kahn]

Music in Film: Mary Poppins (1964) dir. Robert Stevenson

original music by Richard M. Sherman and Robert B. Sherman

[holisticcave-deactivated2021030]

[ainawgsd]

Cows in Flowers

[limetreeinme-blog]

This and That.

Yesterday I submitted my leave for school as it turns out that I may be allergic to all of the chemicals in the job I have come to love so much. School has been an amazing creative outlet and a supportive, and fun space in general. It’s time I take my medical situation more seriously and stop trying to just “push through” everyday.

I am genuinely excited to be on this journey with Dr. Zeitlin. More than anything, I am hopeful. I am hoping that if we can just get to the bottom of all of the things that are pissing my bladder off, eliminating them will bring me to a state of comfort. I know that Interstitial Cystitis is here for the long haul, but I just need it to dial down a few notches so I can sleep for more than two hours a night and be on my feet without feeling like I want to cry.

My “Foods To Avoid” list is intimidating to say the least. As I read through last night, there were things I have been avoiding for a month now in my journey towards a raw vegan diet anyway. Also, on this list was tap water, sugar of any kind-natural or otherwise, artificial coloring, texturizing agents (????), and bottled water. As I look through the things I have purchased recently, I am bummed. There is sugar in canned beans. There is sugar in “natural” peanut butter. I have to get a Brita filter for the fridge, as well as a canteen or Nalgene bottle because I can’t drink out of plastic. When I get frustrated, I remember that I have been hyper-sensitive my whole life. What if I just didn’t consider these things and they really do trigger pain in my bladder? How did I not know how much artificial bullshit is in everything and how many chemicals I’m drinking in my water???

I had my blood and urine tests done at Quest Diagnostics today. 6 vials. My next appointment with Dr. Zeitlin is Monday. I am very excited to see what came back. Alright I just got my first wave of any semblance of energy so I’m gonna clean the house a bit.

Thanks for checking in! :)

[glutenfreeoreo]

Why do people glamorize chronic illness?

It isn’t just days in hospitals, with oxygen going into our noses and IV’s in our arms.

It’s being in too much pain to get out of bed, and the most walking you can manage is the struggle to the bathroom and back.

It’s spending all week getting the courage to take a shower, because even though you’ll feel cleaner, it’ll drain everything you have.

It’s having to sit in the kitchen, because you can’t stand for the ten minutes it takes to make Mac n’ cheese.

It’s being afraid to do things alone, because you might pass out and no one will be there.

It’s feeling absolutely worthless, because a lot of us don’t look sick, so we wonder if we should actually feel this sick.

It’s dealing with people telling us what new fab will magically cure us. “Well my friend had something like you have once, and they cured it with….”

It’s having so many people, sometimes even doctors, try to tell you it’s all in your head. So much that you start to believe them.

[limetreeinme-blog]

[a-cat-with-antlers]

[aveganmermaid]

interesting too cause i know A LOT of meat eaters who wont eat the meat or are absolutely repulsed by it if it still looks like the animal.

[word-vommit96]

How about we stop shaming people for their choice of food. It is 20 god damn 18 we have bigger issues than if Sally eats meat and Billy eats tofu

[oat-leaf]

Are you sure? The leading cause of carbon dioxide emissions is animal agriculture. The grain used to feed cattle could actually end world hunger. We kill 56 billion animals a year. Maybe we can try and stop funding all of this it is 20 god damn 18

[limetreeinme-blog]

A Hard Tea To Swallow

Nine years ago a group of my girlfriends from Maine and I went to Kittery New Hampshire for a girl’s weekend. Shopping, too-expensive lattes, and drinks with fancy umbrellas. We were having a blast. Laughing too much, buying shit we didn’t need, jumping on the hotel beds like children, and getting dolled up to go out at night together like we had so many times before. I didn’t know at the time, but this trip would be the end of so many things I had come to love and the beginning of a whole new lifestyle. 

I woke up the morning we were set to leave. Burning pain in my bladder. I wasn’t a stranger to UTI’s, and blamed it quickly on the night before swimming in the hotel pool and relaxing in the jacuzzi. I have always been sensitive to the smallest things. When I danced, I was sensitive to makeup when getting ready for dance recitals. If I changed laundry detergent, body wash…you get the idea. This time is was different. So  Much. Different. 

A month or so later and seven different diagnoses and dictors later, I was sent to a gynecologist and then finally a urologist. After a potassium test was performed, I was diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis. I tried the medications to no avail. This year I tried an installation. This just caused a flare. I’ve gained fifty pounds. It has always been easier to eat like shit than to find healthier alternatives that won’t bother my bladder. In this time I have developed anxiety, depression, and just an overall declining mental state. My bladder is worse than it’s ever been. Now I can successfully add exhaustion, dizziness, and constant pain and discomfort. 

I am finally ready for a radical change. I’ve read every article, read other enlightening blogs of women with my condition, and a few documentaries. It’s time to go vegan. I have been vegetarian for three weeks. A full month this Friday. Once I buy egg replacer as a binder for certain recipes, I will be full blown vegan. I have lost some weight, but I am aware it will be a journey. In an act of proactive flare and support from my mother I called the naturopath in town. I am tired of being the lab rat seeing if this pill will work combined with this pill or if this injection or procedure will be successful. Guys. I am so glad I went! 

Have you ever walked into a place and immediately felt like you belonged? I walked into this office. The walls are a warm and deep red-orange tone. The floors a deep cherry, and the lights dim. Relaxing music played softly as I look around a see a few mismatched beautiful chairs, and a big overstuffed welcoming couch. The coffee table and end table all had books on cooking for healing and there is beautiful acrylic art on the walls for sale. As a painter, this tickled me pink. The girl behind the desk was cheerful and funny. 

When the doctor called me back, I didn’t have a nervous bone in my body and I am generally riddled with anxiety specifically over new experiences and white coat syndrome. He spoke in a tone that was cheerful, supportive, and genuine. The appointment lasted almost two hours. He asked me a billion questions and tested a few things. At one point, he put his glasses on the desk and pinched the bridge of his nose to which I responded “That’s how I feel all the time”. He looked up, placed his glasses back on and said “I genuinely feel awful that you feel this way everyday. I am sorry that you feel so stuck and I am going to do everything I can to get to the bottom of this for you.” I teared up immediately. It was the first time I felt genuinely heard by a medical professional. Finally he said “What you are going through is very real. What you feel and experience everyday is real and it is terrible.” I finally broke down. He sat up a bit and handed me a tissue. I apologized and explained it was the first time I truly felt validated. As someone with an invisible illness, I can’t tell you how many times I have been looked at as if I were not driven, lazy, and so forth. I feel guilty every day that I call out of school or work.  I feel guilty feeling too drained or pained to bring the laundry up and down, or even stand in the kitchen and cook some nights. 

I have a lot of blood tests, eliminations, new teas, and appointments to come, but I have to do this. 

All I’ve wanted my entire life was to be in a loving relationship with my best friend and become the best mommy to a little angel. I am so scared that I won’t be able to carry a child or have the energy to be a good mommy. This is my biggest fear. Not biopsy, surgery, or not seeing or doing all the things I want (although that is a very real fear). I want to live a life without pain. I want to live a life in which I am not scared to go on adventures, go in a crowded place, or take chances. I want to feel life without needing to know where the bathroom is at all times. I want to wake up in the morning with some semblance of energy. I want to be brave.