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the goodness

two years ago today, i was waking up for the first time in the community that would be my home for the next year and a half. one year ago today, i was waking up to the sound of a thousand roosters crowing in the streets of Botocan, a slum community in Manila. today, i woke up to my second week of work after a six month season of unemployment.

october, in many ways, has become a time of answered prayer for me over the past few years. while i was struggling to raise support for my internship in Thailand, october was the time when the Lord provided for me overwhelmingly. i still remember the day i was to fly out to meet the rest of my team in San Francisco, sitting at the gate at Mitchell Airport waiting for a phone call that would tell me whether or not i would need to turn back after landing in California. thirty minutes from boarding time, the phone call finally came and i started crying as a tidal wave of relief crashed over me. i would not have to return home in shame.

one year later, i was weary of the sleepless nights in the slums. i was worn from having to always interact in a language that didn’t roll off my tongue smoothly. i was weak from the work that seemed to lack progress. my spirit longed for peace and my body hungered for restoration. but as i found my nights still emptied of sleep, my days were filled with joy and love and laughter. ironically, as i spent more time in Botocan, i discovered my spirit had been restored and my body at peace. i left thailand in a season of barrenness and returned two weeks later to a season of overwhelming abundance.

still another year later i find myself waking to a season of work after six months of unemployment, and in this work i strangely find rest. after six months of anxiety over how the heck i was going to make this month’s bill payments; after five months of being rejected within an hour of applying to a workplace; after 5 months of discouraging personal assessments that based my worth on my level of productivity at my most recent job in order to tell me what i already knew: i’m not getting the job, i could finally stop. by the grace of God, i have finally found rest.

it’s only been a week, but even so, during my 20 minute commute to work i rejoice for the opportunity to be working again. i rejoice to be able to ride a bus through a bustling city again. i rejoice to not have to worry whether this month’s bills will be handled or not. i initially set out to blog about all the things i’ve taken away from the past six months of re-entry after Thailand, but it’s morphed into something else entirely. perhaps in the near future i can actually share the things God’s placed on my heart during my first six months back, but at this time i just want to rejoice. so i leave you with the words of John Mark McMillan that echo thoughout my days during this new season:

when the day has run its course, You are the goodness

#the goodness #personal #journalentry #100917

a series of goodbyes

it’s T-minus 48 hours until i leave Thailand and i don’t want it to be real. having to say goodbye to so many friends is always hard. i did it before coming to Thailand a year and a half ago and i’m doing it again as i prepare to leave. i once heard someone say “being an adult just means that all your friends now live in different cities and you’re in a state of perpetually missing someone.” it’s been on my mind more and more these past few weeks.

i never thought that i’d be in this place of not wanting to leave Thailand. growing up i never really had any love for Thailand or its people, and it wasn’t until roughly three years ago when God sent me on this journey specifically to remedy that heart-attitude of mine that things would begin to change. it only took three years of crossing the same ocean six times and spending a year and seven months in a land that wasn’t my home in order to find that it was.

it was three years ago, as i sat in a small, cement house beside a paralytic, old man in a bangkok slum community, that God showed me the story of Elijah and the Sidonian widow with new eyes. ones that saw the transformation of Elijah and ones that saw the place that God wanted me to be as well. if i was to love God fully, i needed to learn to also love Thai people. if i was to sing of God’s love for me, i needed to also learn of His love for Thai people as well. there was no room for animosity in my heart if i wanted God to have a place there. and so i returned to bangkok. it was difficult. but my Jesus carried a cross for me to die for my sins, setting the prime example that obedience to a holy God trumps my own desire for safety and comfort. my struggles seemed small in comparison.

in the past year and a half i’ve learned so much about how much God loves Thai people. in the past six months especially, i was able to experience the ways in which He taught them to love, and in that i was able to understand a side of God’s love that i’d been missing for so long.

yesterday i spent some time with one of the first people we met in the community, Aunty Cake. as she made me breakfast, we reminisced about how she’d helped us so much when we first moved in. when i tried to pay her for the meal she refused saying she couldn’t possibly charge me for the last meal she’d probably be able to cook for me. she told me to remember it and come back to visit her again.

earlier this week we went on a retreat at a homestay in one of the southern provinces. the family was so kind and welcoming it felt like i was staying at a friend’s house visiting and helping them around the farm. as we prepared to leave, Mom (because that’s what we called her), cried as she hugged us and kissed our cheeks telling us to return to see her again soon. i dwelt on that moment the whole trip back to the city. it was as if Thailand itself had said goodbye, reminding me to not take too long in coming back to see her.

last week our church small group sang us not only one song, but three songs in order to encourage us and show how much we’d be missed. they kept demanding that we come back to visit again so they could take us to their favorite provinces and places to see.

two weeks ago one of my guitar students said to me, “But by the time you come back i’ll be all grown up and you won’t recognize me anymore!”

“but you haven’t even been to Chiangmai yet! please, try to make it to Yexusfest this summer!” was what the aunties said on my final visit to the Hmong church by my community.

it took me three years to learn this lesson, and it didn’t take hold until it was already time to go. having had so much love poured out on me from Thais, there is no longer any room for prejudice or enmity in my heart. now that it’s time to move on, i find that i don’t want to.