#servant partners

[limxuv-overseas]

a series of goodbyes

it’s T-minus 48 hours until i leave Thailand and i don’t want it to be real. having to say goodbye to so many friends is always hard. i did it before coming to Thailand a year and a half ago and i’m doing it again as i prepare to leave. i once heard someone say “being an adult just means that all your friends now live in different cities and you’re in a state of perpetually missing someone.” it’s been on my mind more and more these past few weeks. 

i never thought that i’d be in this place of not wanting to leave Thailand. growing up i never really had any love for Thailand or its people, and it wasn’t until roughly three years ago when God sent me on this journey specifically to remedy that heart-attitude of mine that things would begin to change. it only took three years of crossing the same ocean six times and spending a year and seven months in a land that wasn’t my home in order to find that it was. 

it was three years ago, as i sat in a small, cement house beside a paralytic, old man in a bangkok slum community, that God showed me the story of Elijah and the Sidonian widow with new eyes. ones that saw the transformation of Elijah and ones that saw the place that God wanted me to be as well. if i was to love God fully, i needed to learn to also love Thai people. if i was to sing of God’s love for me, i needed to also learn of His love for Thai people as well. there was no room for animosity in my heart if i wanted God to have a place there. and so i returned to bangkok. it was difficult. but my Jesus carried a cross for me to die for my sins, setting the prime example that obedience to a holy God trumps my own desire for safety and comfort. my struggles seemed small in comparison.

in the past year and a half i’ve learned so much about how much God loves Thai people. in the past six months especially, i was able to experience the ways in which He taught them to love, and in that i was able to understand a side of God’s love that i’d been missing for so long. 

yesterday i spent some time with one of the first people we met in the community, Aunty Cake. as she made me breakfast, we reminisced about how she’d helped us so much when we first moved in. when i tried to pay her for the meal she refused saying she couldn’t possibly charge me for the last meal she’d probably be able to cook for me. she told me to remember it and come back to visit her again.

earlier this week we went on a retreat at a homestay in one of the southern provinces. the family was so kind and welcoming it felt like i was staying at a friend’s house visiting and helping them around the farm. as we prepared to leave, Mom (because that’s what we called her), cried as she hugged us and kissed our cheeks telling us to return to see her again soon. i dwelt on that moment the whole trip back to the city. it was as if Thailand itself had said goodbye, reminding me to not take too long in coming back to see her.

last week our church small group sang us not only one song, but three songs in order to encourage us and show how much we’d be missed. they kept demanding that we come back to visit again so they could take us to their favorite provinces and places to see.

two weeks ago one of my guitar students said to me, “But by the time you come back i’ll be all grown up and you won’t recognize me anymore!”

“but you haven’t even been to Chiangmai yet! please, try to make it to Yexusfest this summer!” was what the aunties said on my final visit to the Hmong church by my community.

it took me three years to learn this lesson, and it didn’t take hold until it was already time to go. having had so much love poured out on me from Thais, there is no longer any room for prejudice or enmity in my heart. now that it’s time to move on, i find that i don’t want to.

[limxuv-overseas]

good gift

yesterday Gary, Kyle, and i went with Pastor Kim and some of the youth from church to Rayong for a Christmas outreach party for their church plant there. it was really cool to get to help host the event. before the party, after we finished setting up, we went around the neighborhood to invite people to come. by the time we returned from our excursion there were already a bunch of teachers and kids from the school nearby. it turned out really good! a lot of people came and most of them weren’t Christians. we invited the kids and parents to come play some of the games we prepared and as more and more kids saw that others were winning snacks and small prizes they mustered up the courage to join in as well. it was really fun seeing the kids getting excited as they tried to up their odds of winning by dragging their moms over to play too. 

after some games we had a little worship and P’ Chang and Pastor Kim shared about the meaning of Christmas. it was a little weird when Pastor Kim, while sharing about Jesus being God’s perfect gift to us, asked for an “Amen.” if there were any crickets around you’d totally hear them chirping since almost everyone present was buddhist so they had no idea what she was asking for. but Thais are really good at pushing past awkward moments so it didn’t trip up Pastor Kim in the slightest.

She continued in her presentation of the gospel and finally asked for anyone who wanted to receive the Greatest Gift of Jesus to raise their hands. immediately i saw one girl in the front and a man in the back raise their hands. another woman raised her hand and Pastor Kim invited them to pray with her. i was already impressed with this many people wanting to receive Jesus, but God was just getting started. as Pastor Kim started leading the three new believers in prayer, i looked around and noticed a little girl by the snack table with her hands raised in prayer as her friend next to her was poking her trying to ask what she was doing. i noticed a woman in the middle of the crowd with her head bowed as she whispered a prayer along with Pastor Kim. as i stared out across the group of 50 or so people, i noticed at least ten people quietly whispering along with Pastor Kim as she led them in prayer. it was a beautiful thing to witness all these people who weren’t quite sure what they were doing, yet still certain that this gift of Jesus was something they deeply desired, praying to receive the gospel. it was really funny too, the next time Pastor Kim asked for an “amen” she got it--granted, it was a quiet one since they were all new to this whole “Christian” thing. it made me laugh to see the definite shift as Holy Spirit worked in people’s hearts. although there’s a long road ahead of these new brothers and sisters, and whether they choose to continue on in their journey towards Jesus is entirely up to them, i’m confident that God who began a good work there last night will bring it to completion. 

i also saw a really cute puppy yesterday so all in all it was a pretty good day. 

[limxuv-overseas]

0 people became christians today

this has been on the back burner of my mind since even before i entered the field and i feel like this blog post is long overdue. when i had first had thoughts about doing the internship with Servant Partners as a Senior in college three years ago, it felt like two years was an enormous amount of time. at the same time, with the experience of the Global Trek under my belt, i had a small understanding of just how long it could take to adjust to a new culture and learn how to exist in it, not even considering trying to share the gospel within that context as well. But as things began to get more real after getting accepted to the program a over a year ago, i began to feel the pressure of expectations for what missions work looked like by people around me. i would hear things like, “Oh, i can’t wait to hear about all the people that come to know Christ!’ or “It’s so exciting to know that you’ll be going to Thailand to help plant churches there!” 

after over a year abroad among the urban poor of Bangkok, i have helped to plant zero churches, had spiritual-ish conversations with maybe eight people, and invited a whopping zero people to receive the gospel of Jesus. if ministry was all about numbers, then mine would clearly be failing miserably. with that in mind, how do i present my ministry to all the friends and family back in the States who’re anxious to hear about my successes when all i seem to have are failures? it’s been a constant battle to maintain a hopeful and optimistic outlook when it seems like everything we’ve been involved with so far has been fruitless. what was the point of learning to speak a new language if i haven’t shared the gospel with anyone? what was the point of building relationships in the community if none of them have started believing in Jesus? what was the point of even coming to Thailand if by the end of the two years i still haven’t seen anyone become a christian? why am i even doing this if i’m clearly not effective in it? after returning from my short trip to the US in August and into September as we neared our 1 year mark, these questions and insecurities continued to grow louder and louder, threatening to consume me. 

the first half of the internship has been a struggle. struggle for sanity. struggle for peace. struggle for joy. struggle to progress. struggle to communicate. struggle to sleep. struggle to stay cool. struggle to afford guitar strings. struggle to keep struggling. it’s only by God’s grace that i’m even still breathing. i remember the lowest point i’d reached in this past April, just weeks after Liz left, journaling at 3 in the morning because i couldn’t sleep. i cried as i asked God how the hell was i going to survive this internship if i hadn’t slept more than 6 hours a night in over 2 years and i wasn’t going to get more than 3 hours of sleep this night, or the next, or the next--it was Songkhran week and then right after we’d be heading to lead a camp for our Youth program. i remember freaking out over the fact that i might have to return from the internship early because i just couldn’t physically handle being in Thailand. i remember writing in my journal, “God, i don’t want to say no to You, but what if i have to?” that was about 6 months into the internship, and since then it hasn’t gotten much easier to sleep despite how i’ve adjusted my personal schedule to make up for the sleep i don’t get each night. after that emotional breakdown, i didn’t feel better, but i was able to press on hoping for some miracle on God’s part to sustain me now that my heart had been laid bare before Him, and He has. 

in so many ways, despite the loneliness, despite the insomnia, despite the feeling of failure, despite the sluggish progress, God has kept me. by His mighty hand alone, i was able to make it to Manila, our halfway point. As we prepared for our two week trip to Manila, we could all feel our motivation waning. it was hard to want to spend time in the community. we had grown so weary from trying so hard to make connections that just getting through language class was a struggle hard enough to expend all our energy for the day. personally, my soul was crying out for rest, and although i had no idea what we could fully expect from our time in Manila, i hoped i would find it there. 

Manila, to say the least, was everything i needed to return hopeful once again in the work we were doing in Thailand. although the house i stayed in for the duration of our stay was surrounded on all sides by roosters that crowed every 5 minutes starting as early as 9.30pm, God provided me rest in other ways and He restored my soul just by allowing me to breathe in the air that wasn’t filled with the spiritual tensions of Thailand. the whole team returned from the Philippines ready to enter the second half of our internship.

it was around this halfway point however, where the team was given the option of ending early as the internship had ended up panning out in ways unplanned and not ideal, and as we all reflected upon how mentally, physically, and emotionally taxing the year had been for each of us, we each came to our own decisions to remain for the next year or to return early. not long after returning from Manila, our intern team went from three to two as Alex ended early and returned to the US. 

As Alex prepared to leave and the rest of us pressed forward into year two, we began seeing fruit from our previous year of struggle come to bear. for some reason, it was easier to spend time with neighbors. almost as if out of nowhere, we now had many friends with which we could share life with regularly. opportunities arose in the community to start a music and english program. neighbors volunteered to help us with these programs. one friend in particular, a non-christian neighbor, began asking us questions regarding our faith and why we prayed before meals as she spent more time with us. 

it’s completely ridiculous how much has happened in this past month alone. the king passed away, giving us opportunities to have deeper conversations with our neighbors. Alex returned to the States, suddenly revealing fruitful relationships due to his labor and commitment to the community. we discovered a Hmong church located just outside of Suwan Prasit, opening up more church partnership opportunities. in this month alone we’ve had more opportunities to have spiritual conversations with friends and neighbors than the last year in its entirety and for that i praise God. 

it’s a busy season for us as we’re in the midst of community activities, personal research projects, YLD, book reports, Thai class, and now ministry partner development for me, but every day since returning from Manila, i’ve been able to confront something and recognize, this is why i’m here. this is what i came for. and although to date, my record for Thai’s coming to Christ is still zero, i’m confident and hopeful once again that God is doing a mighty work here. and though that number may never rise above zero during my stay in Thailand, i can confidently press on knowing that this past year of struggle was not in vain and this next year that is already bearing fruit will also not be in vain. things have changed a lot since i started this halfway post before going to Manila, and honestly, i’m glad it has.

[trytasmilemore]

life is not about being safe, it's about being obedient to God.

Living in the Neighborhood | T. Aaron Smith

[trytasmilemore]

Poverty is never looked on positively in Scripture, but the poor are. Being poor, therefore, should not carry negative connotations with it…Jesus chose to be poor, and because of that all who are poor in this world can know that he understands their suffering–and also that in their poverty, they are like the creator of the universe.

Derek Engdahl | The Great Chasm

[trytasmilemore]

Being poor is a hard thing, but it is miserable to be poor and not know God. With God, even when one is poor, life becomes hopeful and full of joy.

Ema Smith | The Great Chasm

[limxuv-overseas]

maybe here is home

last week i had the opportunity to return to the states to stand in my cousin’s wedding and i just returned to Bangkok early yesterday morning (at least two weeks now by the time i finish this entry). as i was preparing to return to the states, i anticipated i’d experience at least some form of culture shock, but when i arrived in Chicago i was surprisingly disappointed. i went through customs with no problems and managed to get a wifi connection to get a hold of my friend, Cate, who’d be picking me up from the airport. although that last part got a little complicated, everything was smooth and the only thing i was feeling at that point was tired from spending literally the longest day of my life traveling across the planet and through time. 

Cate and i spent the afternoon hanging out in Chicago before heading to Milwaukee where i’d meet up with my cousin, Koua, who’d bring me the rest of the way home. we went to a cafe and drank coffee that likely costed more than i’d ever want pay for a single drink--i finished the whole cup. we had ice cream at a little shop down the street that had more flavors than anyone ever needed. i caught a total of three pokemon while hopping from wifi to wifi. none of this bothered me in the slightest; i felt no dissonance. now maybe i was just too worn out to feel anything, or maybe there simply wasn’t anything to feel.

the remainder of my stay went more or less the same way. i ate out with friends too often, paid too much for food, and caught too few pokemon while hopping from wifi to wifi. of all the things that i encountered, only two things really frustrated me: getting a good night’s sleep and speaking in Hmong. it took a total of four days for me to be able to sleep past 4:30 am and another two days to finally be able to begin crawling through conversations in Hmong. every time i tried to speak, at least two words came out in Thai. it was strange. in Thailand, i often feel crippled by my limited Thai, but while i was in the US, i felt crippled by the inability to shake it off. i tried to talk to my aunt, and i accidentally asked “how are you?” in Thai. in an attempt to annoy my mom some more regarding my persistent, rebellious hair color, i accidentally asked, “aren’t i handsome?” half in Hmong and half in Thai. it wasn’t as funny as i’d hoped. my mom couldn’t understand the second half. i was disappointed. i’m usually funnier in the States.

although i was doing a lot of things i would have normally done, it all felt just a little more special; nothing quite felt normal. sure, i was meeting a lot of familiar faces, i was speaking a language that sort of rolled off my tongue easily, i was in a place where i knew all the streets, but it all felt slightly foreign. it felt like work. everything from having to re-learn how to use toilet paper to just sitting at home with a constant wifi connection. the nostalgia was so heavy in the States that even breathing the clean, Wisconsin air felt slightly laborious--and it wasn’t until i had touched down in Bangkok again that i began to feel as though i no longer had to try as hard to exist. it wasn’t until i crawled onto my sleeping mat at 4.30 in the morning that i felt at home. as i laid in “bed” i recall a sense of joy filling me up inside, like, “Finally.” it wasn’t too hot, too loud, too bright, too anything. it just felt normal, like i belonged here. and maybe it’s because i’ve lived here for almost a year now, but maybe it’s also because i really do belong here. maybe here is home. 

while i was in the States, i shared with a lot of people that this next year we’d be diving deeper into discerning our calling and whether or not we are supposed to stay, but maybe this next year i’ll simply be figuring out where home is. 

[trytasmilemore]

Jesus commands us to love the poor, not end poverty. That is not to say that he is not concerned with the larger issues of systemic injustice, oppression, and deprivation, but that is not where we should begin. We begin with a relationship.

Derek W. Engdahl | The Great Chasm