Thoughts from Rehab
I almost died two weeks ago because i overindulged and i lost control. And now i am in rehab and people ask me how i feel. If i can cope with the pressure of being sober. They make it sound violent and I understand that it can be, but i am over the angry part, over the violent withdrawal and the bargaining and the desperate urge to get more.
I told them i don‘t feel pressure, just longing. That i am sad, and a therapist laughted at me. How can i explain that I am grieving because it is done?
I miss beer like i miss a lover. I dream about beer all the time. I can see it clearly, the way the light reflects of it and how the water droplets run down the glass. I am longing for beer, and it is tied to all my good memories, i don’t really remember a lot from all the good vacations, i remember sitting down on platforms, and viewpoints and enjoying the moment _with_ beer. And now beer is gone and all the memories are a bit tainted in sadness. And i am heartbroken, cause it is my fault. If i had appreciated alcohol the way you are supposed to, i would still be able to have beer at great moments. But i fucked it, and if that doesn’t sound like a failed relationship i don’t know.
I miss beer, and i fucked it and i dream about vacations that are long gone and i think about future vacations that are never going to be as nice as they could have been.
And silly as it may be, i hope someone understands.
