rambles @literally-just-thought-spam - Tumblr Blog

little fucktoy dykething that you can abuse and use in any way that you want. I prefer t4t (transbian supremacy) but open to anything. I can put up a pretty fight or be so obedient depending on what you like ;) I post very mentally ill and horny and random thoughts but don't ever hesitate to DM me about what you'd like to do to me. women say hi and I will initiate :)))

(more details on limits etc on DM)

(occasional ana mention but on that front I am pretty much recovered)

devastated for this random (other) small child screaming out for their mother who won't respond

TV film crew seemingly interviewing random white people coming out at arrivals (at Narita) and poor random child who they have stuck a camera in their face says nihao lol

people will like me. people will love me. because I am kind and strong and smart and caring and fun and genuine and honest so of COURSE I will be loved again

boringkate

It's not too late to suppress all of your wants and desires and to die unfulfilled and afraid without anyone ever having really known you.

wetheurban

At the end of the day, you can’t delay joy until life looks a certain way. You deserve to enjoy your life now.

sobcat

creekfiend

I understand that there is discussion of masking by autistic people that is much more honest and in-depth, but so much of the stuff I see sort of leans on the assumption that masking is something one chooses to do in order to appear "normal"

In reality, I think the behavior pattern that we name as "masking" is the natural behavioral and psychological result of being consistently punished for attempting to acknowledge your own reality during formative developmental periods. And I'm not sure that "masking" is a clarifying word to use for this

creekfiend

OK OK OK, someone in the tags said that they don't know the degree to which they are masking, bc they don't know what is normal/expected and therefore have no way of knowing how much they're altering themselves to fit into that expectation (thank you for articulating that!!) and I think that clarified a lot for me about my problems with the framing of masking.

Because that method of trying to "unmask" will always fail, bc it hinges on the assumption that there is a core underlying Self that is being Covered Up with the mask.

In reality, one does not have a chance to develop a true "self" due to the circumstances of their development. this is broadly true for almost all humans (SHOW ME AN UNALTERED TRUE HUMAN SELF,) because of the heavily social nature of how our selfhood intersects with other people's perception of us, but in some people it is much more marked and detrimental than others. What I think is the issue at hand is not the Self, but rather the internal experience. The Self is a construction we build to understand ourselves as beings, and it is heavily informed by our understanding of our own experiencs. understanding of those experiences is the actual issue. Being able to identify and name the effects that moving thru the world have on you. And teasing out how those acknowledgements of one's internal experience have been punished out of us.

The "recovering from burnout as a high masking person" post does use this framework, but I think that referring to people whose sense of their own internal reality has been so warped and shattered that they have to completely learn from scratch as "high masking" is just not intuitive and that it communicates what is being discussed... Poorly. I understand that that is the language that is used by the community broadly rn, and I don't object to individual instances of its use, but I do think that we would be better served in these conversations by framing it differently than "masking"

grison-in-space

I also see people framing even the most basic social skills (things like "tolerating mild discomfort" and "avoiding offensive phrasing of desires") as masking. At a certain point I think we have to be aware that there is a degree of curtailing one's personal self expression inherent in existing within a society, and that autistic people are not the only people who have to be aware of societal norms and contort selves to exist within them as part of experiencing that society. The difference is of course in the degree of contortion required to fit neatly into the society, not the phenomenon of having to contort in the first place.

It bugs me! And I think it creates unnecessary friction among communities of people first discovering autism and is susceptible to a weird kind of reverse curb cut effect where unmasking (== "stretching out and de-contorting from the society in which you live into a more comfortable shape") is set aside as something Just For Autistics, as if there aren't lots of groups of people whose existence is policed and shaped and bonsai-trimmed into painfully stunted or twisted shapes. Which, of course there are, and not all of them are groups where a mental health framework is remotely appropriate (e.g. constraints on the acceptable behavior of black people especially in gendered contexts), so why are we framing so much advocacy this way?

shamebats

Trauma in the strict sense is not required for a young human being to suffer the loss of essence, the sense of oneness with all that is. Infants come into the world fully present and alive to every possibility, but they soon begin to shut down parts of themselves that their environment is unable to recognize or accept with love. As a consequence of that defensive shutdown, says the psychologist and spiritual teacher A.H. Almaas, one or more essential qualities such as love, joy, strength, courage or confidence may be suppressed. In its place, we experience a hole, a sense of empty deficiency. "People don't know that the hole, the sense of deficiency, is a symptom of a loss of something deeper, the loss of essence, which can be regained. They think the hole, the deficiency, is how they really are at the deepest level and that there is nothing beyond it. They think something is wrong with them, something is basically wrong." Such thoughts are not necessarily conscious but may take the form of unconscious beliefs. In either case, we develop behaviour patterns and emotional coping mechanisms to cover up the emptiness, mistakenly believing that the resulting traits represent our true "personality." Indeed, what we call the personality is often a jumble of genuine traits and adopted coping styles that do not reflect our true self at all but the loss of it.

Excerpt from 'In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction' by Gabor Maté.

creekfiend

its interesting bc i would personally define this as cptsd. like that IS trauma to me. but then cptsd is not broadly recognized as a legitimate form of trauma by psychology authorities, so i understand why someone would frame this process as not inherently traumatic

bipedal-lizard

I'd be curious to read some newer things and see where Maté would make the split between distress and trauma now, vs when Hungry Ghosts was published in 2008. I haven't read, in particular, The Myth of Normal : Trauma, Illness &Healing in a Toxic Culture (2022); I have heard that in his discussion of "modern-day living," his definition of trauma/traumatic has shifted to encompass a lot more.

shamebats

The Myth of Normal is a must-read. He doesn't talk about autism directly, but the book is all about how trauma responses that helped us survive childhood (which is what masking is) end up causing all sorts of issues in adulthood.

The exploration of how repressing our feelings and authentic selves can negatively impact our health — to the point where we can be at high risk of developing chronic health conditions and even other illnesses, like cancer, and having worse outcomes — was really eye-opening for me. Since I'm trans and came out later in life exactly because for my entire childhood and well into my 20s, I essentially had an assortment of maladaptive coping mechanisms where my personality was supposed to be, and I also have a pretty severe incurable chronic illness.

In Realm of Hungry ghosts he was also, a lot of the time, already describing what is essentially cptsd — because he was working with hard drug addicts, the most likely to be severely traumatized population there is — and also disproportionately neurodivergent, he noticed that many of them were self-medicating their ADHD, which...the book was written in 2008. He was way ahead of what the state of medicine & psychiatry was back then. He doesn't name it, but if you know what it is, you can recognize it in every story, in every chapter.

was having thoughts about "being a landlord" and thinking about the ethics of it (for me) and then realised I would very happily put the people I lived with's names on the deed without them paying a penny so really what I mean is yes I would buy a house for me and my friends to live in and I would like it if they contributed to upkeep but that I love doing DIY and fixing things so I want to be doing the upkeep

ooooo the dream of being loved even when you are awful. like actually awful. like push everyone away. scream yell, say unkind things and still be loved. to have people come back and check in, try and talk to you, look after you after all of it.

it's always so devastating seeing how so many people are so traumatised in the same way. we are all so hurt and it is so awful.

uncertainlys

i hope everything works out in the end because i am so so scared

I think with the heat we've all got a very short temper with our (very frustrating) tutor. there are some rather frustrated faces and responses going on

hey everyone should stop doing everything ever actually

I am not having a good time with any of this to be honest. all of this sucks balls and I don't want to be experiencing it. stop experiencing it.

ah I love it when no one talks to me. go away

sailatina3

I want my pillowy lips, coated in velvet lipstick to gently wrap themselves around the erect penis of a woman who is kinda mean to me.

kosmogrl

oooh I get it it’s always gonna be because of the environment I grew up in

aceofpans

it’s because of the curse

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rambles