Little Autie Bird

Halcyon • she/her • My autistic journey of self discovery and all the in-between.

[littleautiebird]

I realize that when I’m alone especially, I’ll talk to myself in my head to get through my tasks. It feels like gentle parenting and I think my inner self definitely appreciates it because I didn’t get a very gentle childhood. I’m glad to meet myself where I am with a calm inner voice now even if it may sound silly. It helps!

I’ll walk myself through my bedtime routine. When I’m changing into my pajamas my first response is to put my clothes on my chair, but I hear that inner voice say “Lets go ahead and put that away. We know it helps us feel better in the future.”

Can anyone relate to this?

Be soft to yourself today, you deserve to be met with more patience, positivity, and love.

[littleautiebird]

Hi guys ⁠♡

I’ve had the idea for a while to make up a sensory kit for myself to take with me when I go out.

I’m going to look for the perfect bag that will fit all my things!

Here’s a list of the things I see myself carrying:

Loops or headphones.

My tiny fidget cube or something that clicks.

Something soft and or squishy.

A stuffed animal if I’m wanting extra safety and comfort.

Essential oil or something I like the smell of.

A quick snack; usually gummies or a granola bar.

Ibuprofen.

Art and writing supplies; I take a tiny sketchbook and watercolor travel set.

Chapstick and lotion.

Glasses cleaner.

My water bottle.

This looks like a lot! And I could even find more to add. But It’s everything I find myself using when I allow myself to unmask. I’ll post an update with images when I finally create this sensory kit.✨

[littleautiebird]

I worked at Goodwill on register for a few months this year and it was so bad for my health. I went home exhausted, was in burn out, would have frequent meltdowns and went into work with anxiety and my body was reacting to it all with sickness one thing after another. The customer service was draining but so was the environment and the expectations to fill. Also had a manager that threw fits and was horrible to all her employees and i feel pushed me out of my job just because I’m autistic.

I finally decided to leave.

Now I’m a housekeeper at a small hotel and I love it. It’s physical, but my work is all tasks I can complete, feel accomplished, and I get to work alone for the most part. Little to no guest interaction. And the manager is way better! Everyone is nice and this job has been such a blessing. I actually like my work and dont mind coming in each day, I also go home with energy and time to do my own things and live my life!

[littleautiebird]

Living neurodivergent in a neurotypical world:

I’m trying to adjust my way of being as a human to fit the needs of a man made company. A company that boasts its helping hand with people with disabilities.

Yet since I’ve been high masking since I was little, they want me to stay masked since I can be. And they don’t think the same needs apply. But what they don’t see is me coming home feeling only like a shell of myself, having meltdowns, or in burn out.

My body cant take another day pretending to be something its not. It’s crying out to me to stop. All the headaches, body aches, depression, anxiety, and even thoughts of death.

Yet I keep pushing myself, every day. Because I need food, I need to pay rent. But I still can’t even afford to get treatment for my mental health which is what I need the most right now.

This world is messed up.

[littleautiebird]

Workplaces should not require doctors notes stating that an autistic person needs accommodation when they already have a doctors diagnosis. Being Autistic is enough and should speak for itself, they need to know that being autistic means we’ll need accommodation. No extra steps.

[littleautiebird]

Finding being autistic a little hard lately.

Lots of change has been happening in my life and it’s hard to catch up with it mentally, so my body is reacting. Work is hard, life is hard. Being balanced and feeling connected to myself is really hard.

Not much to say, but I hope it gets better. So many things I need. I’m so tired.

Do they prescribe trips to the coast or outdoors for mental health anymore? Thats what I need, but who will take me seriously if thats what I ask?

[littleautiebird]

I wish web browsers and such had more accessibility.

As an autistic person, I REALLY wish articles, recipes, and blogs had less ads. Ads overstimulate me so easily. I can’t have extra movement and information entering my brain at the same time as I’m trying to focus on one thing! Make life easier for us and allow us to block the adds PLEASE.

[littleautiebird]

Life is art.

I go to the library and look through the illustrated children’s books to become inspired.

When I leave I see art in life, everywhere is beauty and everything tells a story. I see colors and shapes in everything. This lasts the rest of the way home.

Now I sit and am grateful for all the beauty I have seen today and that plays on in my memory.

[littleautiebird]

Some days I find it more difficult to experience what I see in front of me.

But perhaps those days are the ones my brain is reminiscing on another time.

One moment in present time will bring back to mind a moment from a different time. A visual comes to mind and I just hold onto that beautiful memory, and it fills my senses. The present feels farther away, but the past feels more at hand.

So I can be sitting amongst the trees in the sun in the south, and depending on the weather, it can bring me back to a time I was at the beach on the coast. I can almost smell the ocean and feel the salty breeze on my skin with the warm sun.

I can’t be the only one who experiences life like this, right?

[littleautiebird]

- Thoughts from a cptsd, depressed, and anxious autistic. -

Alone in the house yet still anxious and slightly disconnected.

Video chatting with my boyfriend, worried at every moment what my facial expressions are communicating as he tells me about his creative interest and ideas. I can’t figure out what expression to make, I can’t figure out what to say to express how much I care. What if all he see’s is my blank expression and assumes I find him boring? How do I make sure I make the right face and response so he feels heard and loved? Now I’m stuck between loving hearing him talk about his interest and the voice in my head that is telling me I’ll never be able to be raw, unmasked, and still loved.

Will he love me in the times I have nothing to give?

[littleautiebird]

Autism is like everything that is normal to human existence is just a lot harder for us. Processing takes so much more time, sometimes functioning does too, recovery takes forever, our senses are heightened or can seem lowered. Its like the extreme in all ways possible.

Yet there are many wonderful things about my autism. We pay attention to detail, we see things and people that no one else does. We call out the beauty of our environment, and we can take it slow and restful.

[littleautiebird]

How did I realize my autism?

Its funny, in my youth, one thing I was worried so much about was making sure I acted “normal” so that no one would assume I was autistic (this being before I knew anything about autism or truly suspected it of myself.)

It wasn’t until one day as I was pet sitting (at age 23) that made me look into the idea.

I crawled into bed and the texture of the sheets physically made my teeth hurt. I knew it seemed silly, so I texted my best friend and asked her if she ever experiences anything like that, to which she of course said no and jokingly pointed out that its an autistic trait. I responded “wait though, I’ve kind of wondered if I am autistic multiple times in my life before…” She then encouraged me to look into it if I really wondered.

That was the start of it. I went on social media, websites, found books and podcasts, and I started my personal research. I read so many things that week in all my free time, spending many late nights just reading and taking notes. I probably filled about half my journal with these thoughts and observations.

I went through many phases of imposter syndrome, and still do. But I started to put more effort into believing my experience and intuition.

I was able to find a Phycologist near me who was known to be qualified for assessing adults for ASD. I emailed and not too long after was able to get a meeting on the calendar!

In my experience, this whole process has moved pretty quickly, which I am so grateful for because I know many don’t get that same chance.

Just yesterday I had my assessment. I think I feel good about it, but also some anxiety. I’ll have my follow up meeting on the 13th of this month, so I guess we’ll see!

Thanks for reading my experience 🖤

[littleautiebird]

I’m not sure how to explain this well, but here it goes.

Most days its hard to feel real. I’m not sure if its being dis-regulated, depressed, cptsd, or dissociated..??

But today I feel like I’m real. Today I can see through my own eyes, the detail in things and the beauty in things. I can breathe and I can feel. Wow.

I’m thankful for being able to experience life for myself today, first hand, to feel like I exist.

Even if it only lasts today, I’m glad to hold it close.

[littleautiebird]

I’m obsessed with visual storytelling.

Studio Ghibli films have captured my heart because their attention to detail, the beauty of the backgrounds, the stories are magnificent, the characters are lovable, and emotion is portrayed so creatively well.

When you watch a Studio Ghibli film, there are times when the frame is focused on a characters face, and they use visuals and expressions to portray an emotion words cant. This is something often missed in my opinion when it comes to any type of film.

There’s just something about the way the hair floats, and the eyes glimmer. It portrays an emotion inside me that I’ve never seen illustrated before.

These are a few of the many reasons I love Studio Ghibli 💛

(Image creds to Studio Ghibli’s Ponyo)

[littleautiebird]

I’ve noticed that birds aren’t always that afraid of dogs

They fly up to them where the bird and dog are unbothered

It’s like they can tell they are a part of nature too, and they know when they mean no harm.

Yet birds are pretty much always afraid of humans.

My dream as a child was that birds and all animals would be able to tell that I meant no harm, that they’d trust me and know I only want to be a part of nature with them.

I guess the main experiences I’ve had where they have trusted me is when they have no other option, when they’ve been wounded and just need a little assistance.

Though, I do have stories of gaining a young birds trust, and that of a few squirrels.

[littleautiebird]

When I was a young I could not order for myself at restaurants or places like that, my parents always had to order for me. It took up into my later teens to get to the point where I would finally order for myself, although now as a young adult I still don’t like that interaction.

I will never buy anything from the store that is behind a glass that you have to ask an employee to unlock 😆

I will spend however long it takes for me to find something like a specific book at a bookstore or library all by myself just because I won’t ask an employee.

These are just a few traits I have realized, so yeah, I’d say I do avoid having to interact with others. 😂

[littleautiebird]

Bonding with animals is a real experience.

To my pets 🖤. We are bonded and there is nothing like that bond.

Such a strong love, enjoyment, and connection with creatures and nature is amazing and beautiful! No one should ever be made to feel bad and embarrassed about it!

I’m not living at home with my pets right now, and it hurts so much. I miss them and their safety, their love and comfort. Does anyone else understand how hard that is? I hope to be able to be with them again soon.