Green Eyes, Empty Mind

What a strange place. Who are we, do you think? Tatsuya Ryuuko || Amnesia-ICE ALIVE

[littleb0y-blue]

WILD AND FREE AND FEARFUL [REACTION | CLOSED | FT. YUKARI]

[littleb0y-blue]

murofushisan:

Yukari lets out a shaky sigh, her tone is a mix of disappointment from his nonchalant attitude and from herself. She shrugs a bit at the question.

“I don’t know…There…T-There was s-something in the forest- and it hypnotized me a-and it…made me try to k-kill Lewis- b-but I didn’t hurt him! H-He just…got a few scratches.”

She bites her lip, finally turning the rest of her body around to face him.

“I-It…It turned out just fine it was just….”

She pauses, sniffing.

“…really scary.”

Her sigh made him feel like he had just disappointed his mom somehow. But it wasn’t his mom, it was Yukari. Both feelings ran in the same vein, however, and he could only avert his eyes for a moment in display of apology. It was the best he could do without saying the real words. Chewing on the inside of his lip, his interest peaks at the mention of something hypnotizing Yukari.

“Holy fuck? What was it? A monster?”

His gaze turned harder as he chewed his lip.

“Something like Father? Jesus christ how many weird ass supernatural beings live in this damn place. Is this a prison or an amusement park?”

[littleb0y-blue]

WILD AND FREE AND FEARFUL [REACTION | CLOSED | FT. YUKARI]

[littleb0y-blue]

murofushisan:

Yukari is standing in a corner inside the garden shelter, frantically playing with a lock of her hair while staring down at her feet and the plants surrounding them. Her hair and clothing looks rather disheveled, not that she’s usually very put together, but…she’s at least normally presentable. She isn’t very presentable right now.

She jumps a little as Tatsuya enters, slowly turning to face him. She has a very nervous expression on her face.

“T-Tatsuya-san…”

She stutters out, then turns back around.

“N…Nothing. Something bad just…happened…a-additionally to…”

“My god…G-Giselle…Poor girl…”

She hunches over more, wrapping her arms around herself.

“I was with Lewis, and…”

He feels like he understands before his brain actually registers it. Eyes narrowing, he walks into the garden house fully and closes the door behind him. If anyone else was coming around, he didn’t want them to see. To hear. Why? He wasn’t sure, but, he figured it would maybe make Yukari feel better.

But why was he worried about how she felt?

“Yeah...”

He tried to reciprocate her fears, but, he didn’t find himself caring that much. A little, maybe. Giselle was...okay. It sucked that she had disappeared and died as a result of it (he thinks it was a result anyways) but he didn’t actually mind if it meant he could think clearly and stand up without feeling like there was sludge slopping its way through his arteries. 

“She was missing for a while...I guess I’m not surprised. Heh-at least I’m not poisoned anymore. I’ll count that a small victory in it.” 

He throws a ‘v’ for victory at her, his smile loose as he tries to lighten up the situation. Her next words, though, make him think. He frowns again, tilting his head a second time to the other side as he moves a little closer. When he speaks, his voice is low.

“With Lewis....just what happened?”

[littleb0y-blue]

WILD AND FREE AND FEARFUL [REACTION | CLOSED | FT. YUKARI]

He was free from it. He was finally, finally, free from it. The body announcement echoed in his head along with the liberating click of the bracelet that may as well have been a chain on his arm. Rolling his wrist and feeling actual energy, not disgusting poison, slosh through his veins brought a smile against Tatsuya’s lips.

A smile that should not have been there. That most would scowl in return for, because, why would he smile at someone’s death? 

Why wouldn’t he? He was free now because of it. The thought both delighted and terrified him all at once as he made his way through the surrounding areas of the cold wonderland they were trapped in. Rather than go near the body, and the people investigating it, Tatsuya took a detour  back to the first area. He wanted to clear his head. He needed to think and enjoy the pain free existence before he would have to deal with the migrane that being around those others tended to instill upon him. Honestly, what was up with them?

A noise as he passed the garden shelter sounded, causing him to stop in his tracks and frown curioiusly. Taking steps backwards, he reached the doorway again and peered in to see just what had caused the strange sound. Another person, probably, unless that cube was trying to garden only to realize that it didn’t have hands.

What he found though was, well, not what he expected.

“...Yukari?” 

The name fell lithely off his lips, as it tried often to do since they had agreed on a first name basis for the time being. He slid into the area and leaned against the doorframe, tilting his head and causing a lock of blue to spiral against his forehead as he frowned.

“What...are you doing?”

[murofushisan]

Out of Reach [Open]

[littleb0y-blue]

murofushisan:

Yukari is, yet again, taken back. Her heart sinks a bit knowing she likely didn’t help him make any progress at all. It’s like he’s some kind of geode that she’s trying to carve out, but she’s not even that sure there’s crystals on the inside. She sighs, looking down into her lap with a somewhat frustrated look on her face.

“It’s…not about what oher people think of you. I’m not trying to…get people to like you, that certainly would be nice, although that’s n-not my job and only you can do that. I-…I am seriously jus trying to help you because, well…”

She knows he’s eventually going to contradict her on this or get angry, but…

“…You look like you’re in pain.”

“That’s all. If you’re truly not and u-ultimately I’m just bothering you I’ll just…leave.”

As her words sunk in his expression shifted. It went from anger to teasing to...to what?

To confusion and...something else. Something new on Tatsuya’s face that hasn’t been expressed before. It’s almost soft in its apperance, but only almost. A mix of vague hope underlying pity. A gaze of wonder and shock. He doesn’t reply for a bit, growing closer, as if staring deeper into Yukari’s eyes would reveal the answer he wanted.

“...why would you care if I was or not?”

The word is a whisper that can be heard because of how close he is to her. His squint grows in frustration, but ultimate exhaustion seems to win out as he murmurs out with a sigh:

“Everyone bothers me, Murofushi, that ain’t knew but...you...you’re weird. You and that deaf guy...you sound alike when you talk to me. I don’t know if I like it.”

What is the term he’d use for their words, he wonders? What’s their point? In pain...is he? Was he? He can’t remember. It’s the lack of memory that furstratedly snaps him out of his apparent stupor and he moves back, giving Yukari space with a sharp mutter of ‘fuck’ under his breath.

“Leave if you wan’t. I’m done talking.”

[murofushisan]

Out of Reach [Open]

[littleb0y-blue]

murofushisan:

Yukari hesitates as he speaks about what he’s done and what he feels- or doesn’t feel. She feels scared, but…she can’t just suddenly contradict herself by expressing that and walking off. That’ll only make him feel worse, won’t it? She inhales sharply.

“Th-That’s um…”

She swallows the lump in her throat and puts on a smile.

“That’s a start isn’t it…? You’re clearly worried about this- at least it’s bothering you and you’re telling me about it. T-That’s good, Ryuuko-san…!”

She says, her voice full of encouragement although she’s still rather put off. She just has to keep telling herself- he has to have some kind of reason for this. No one’s just like that, right?

He stared at her in what could only be described as complete surprise. Good? That was good? His frown only deepened and he leaned back, as if trying to stay away from her just for saying those words. Tatsuya wrinkles his nose in annoyance and guffaws at her sentances, glancing to the side with a huff.

“I ain’t worried about shit, Murofushi. I’m just saying that the way I think ain’t exactly ‘normal’. I don’t actually give a shit if people like me for it or not, ya see? I also don’t think its any of their damned business.”

And he stands, leaning forward on his hands and getting close so his next words can be said in a whispered, harsh growl.

“So why dont’ you forget all about it and mind your own business, alright? I get you’re trying to ‘help’ or whatever but...”

He smirks and winks at her with amusement, though the hints of annoyance are still heavy in his irises. 

“You gotta love me or leave me, babe. I am what I am, even if I don’t remember all of it, so it’s best to just leave it at that.”

[murofushisan]

Out of Reach [Open]

[littleb0y-blue]

murofushisan:

Yukari bites her lip, her attempt to get through to him proving unsuccessful. She feels bad, in a sense she gets why Tatsuya is getting so frustrated with her. Especially when in reality she’s just taking hunches here.

“..That’s…not what I meant…I never said it was easy or anything…Ah, maybe I shouldn’t have said that…”

“Opening up isn’t…easy whatsoever. I’m not saying you should tell them everything about you, not that you c-can anyways, but…tell them how you feel at least. If you’re confused or worried or scared…Again, I’m not saying it’s easy…I-I still have problems with it too!”

Tatsuya’s eyes don’t let up in their harshness. It’s as if, in retaliation to the concept of ‘open up’, his body and mind have immediately slammed the vault doors to her. Eyes are windows to the soul and, right now Tatsuya’s soul was as black as his leather jacket. The only moments he lightens up is when she admits that she has problems with it to. 

He sits up with a sigh and glares at the floor with an annoyed gaze, as if blaming his coffee for all of this.

“Tell them how I feel?”

He chuckles and sighs. He looks up at her.

“That’s the thing, Murofushi. I don’t know-”

There’s a hesitance to his words as he growls and leans back further, as if trying to disappear from her line of vision despite being over six feet tall.

“I saw a dead body and didn’t feel shit. I watched my own memory of murdering some suckers and wanted to laugh. Am I supposed to tell everyone that? That I feel like I could kill anyone here and just smile at it? That I could give less of a shit about their feelings so long as I’m alive?”

He sounds frustrated now as he speaks, gaze growing more passionatley angered at the entire thought process. 

“Telling people how you feel and think only works when you feel and think a certain way. No one wants to hear about how you’d be okay with killing them. Or how you think their pained and annoyed faces are fucking HILARIOUS. They think you’re weird and stay away. And you don’t give a shit. That’s how it works.”

[murofushisan]

Out of Reach [Open]

[littleb0y-blue]

murofushisan:

Yukari notices the atmosphere in the room suddenly getting colder, as if it wasn’t cold enough. She hunches over in her chair a bit, looking down. She expected this though and isn’t planning on letting it defeat her.

“N-No, no- of course not…It’s just…”

“It’s not fun to not know what you feel, isn’t it? I-…I was trying to help. That’s all. Even if they’re painful sorting your feelings out is helpful…”

She nervously takes a few sips from her coffee as Tatsuya speaks, trying to formulate a good responds as she listens closely. She slowly puts it down and hums thoughtfully.

“…Considering you want to survive that badly- it’s not strange but- the way you act about it…it makes me think you’ve been through some dangerous things…If that’s the case, I’m sorry- but just…simply being alive…all alone…that…s-sounds quite miserable.”

“Personally…I think other people are the best part of my life really…so…I think you s-should maybe open up a bit, as hard as that is…especially here…”

Tatsuya wasn’t sure what made him more frustrated: the fact that Yukari assumed so many things about him based on single conversations or the fact that he didn’t have any evidence or memories to disprove her theories on him. The terror that someone might guess to know him better than he knew himself messed with the sense of innane control he kept over the world he saw. It left him to grip tightly at the cup in his hands.  He felt the burning of the insulated ceramic against his palm.

“Open up...”

The words are repeated and he sneers at them. There’s anger and fear in his lungs. There’s frustration in his eyes and amusement in his teeth as he bares them. A strangled, sharp sound that’s supposed to be something of a laugh breaks through as he leans forward and growls.

“You talk about that awfully easily. ‘Open up to others!’ You say. ‘Tell them about yourself!’ you say! Did you forget what just happened, Murofushi? Someone fucking killed another person. Why would I go around sharing things about myself to people who might just turn around and stab me because of it?”

He scoffs and tilts his head.

“Who even says that what’s inside of me is something people want to see, huh? You’ve seen my memory. You’ve seen my scars....”

The next words are whispered out with harshness to disguise the mangled worry.

“People will look inside and find something they never wished they fucking set their eyes on.”

[shizukanashizumaru-blog]

When the Match Burns Out || Open

[littleb0y-blue]

shizukanashizumaru:

Everything about the other boy’s demeanor was dangerous. At first, Shizumaru was worried he’d said something quite odd. A look of confusion spread across his face for a second and it caused him to think back on his words for a second. But the bewilderment seemed to fizzle into something else as Tatsuya showed off his broad shoulders and muscular physique.

Shizumaru only narrows his eyes.

Is this a tactic? Perhaps, out of some kind of fear, he’s going on the offense. A good offense can be a good defense for some people. Maybe he’s trying to make Tatsuya a better person than he is. Desperately trying to see some connection where there is none. A part of him wants to be sympathetic but, really, more than that… he doesn’t want to back down.

“… If you’re trying to survive, then… I don’t understand. Why make yourself such an aggressor, an enemy to everyone? If you irritate the wrong person enough, they may come for you. If you want to survive, then you need to work with us. Not against us.“

That’s what made sense to him, anyway. There was always the chance of being betrayed. But that was… that was just a risk of life. As sad as it sounded. Still, he couldn’t help but feel like Tatsuya was making this task of ‘surviving’ more difficult by being such a difficult person. If he knew he wasn’t immortal, then why risk making an enemy out of him? Out of everyone? He could be mobbed by several people, if he was hated enough. Didn’t that thought cross his mind? It was hard to say. He was bad at reading people, even on a good day.

“That’s not your place to say. Still, disbelieve me all you want, it’s your prerogative. I told you this before; you won’t strong-arm me out of my opinion.“

A pause.

“Where there’s a will there’s a way. It’s not a joke; I won’t give up. I’m not sure what I’ll do… admittedly, it’s not like I have a plan. But I can get along with people, advise them… there’s probably some way to get out of here. We just have to work together and find it.”

He nods. There’s been something on his mind this whole time now but he feels… it’s rude to bring up. Stil, Tatsuya’s been cursing up a storm… Shizumaru feels this little bit of rudeness is at least somewhat warranted. He takes a deep breath before folding his own arms and giving Tatsuya a bit of a defiant look.

“And… if you don’t mind me saying so, you’re a bit of a bully, aren’t you? You get a kick out of intimidating those you feel you can control. Well, I don’t respect that one bit and it won’t work on me. Call me stupid, throw a punch… get it out of your system, if you must. But you won’t change my mind.“

The words ‘aggressor’ and ‘enemy’ fall from the other’s lips so naturally that Tatsuya is momentarily confused. He gives a quirk of his eyebrow again, this time in a less intimidating fashion. This one is genuine, as if he hadn’t actually considered that that was what people thought of him as. It was enough to give him momentary pause. But only for a moment, however. The end answer was a heavy shrug.

“If people want to see me as either of those things, that’s on them. I’m not changing who I am or how I am just because others don’t think it’s comfortable or approachable. All the more reason to stay the fuck away from ya’ll and handle shit on my own, don’tcha think?”

The other’s optimism was boundless and so serious that Tatsuya resisted the urge to make a gaging motion in mock annoyance. Instead he just let the annoyance ring clear on his face. He didn’t know why or just what about those words made him so frustrated. Perhaps they really did just have opposite views on the entire situation.

Somehow, though, that just made it kind of worse.

“Like I said. Call me a bully if you want. I ain’t lookin to change your mind or do any useless shit like that. You’re no fun anyways. You’re annoying.”

His gaze turns snarky.

“I won’t change your mind if you don’t change mine, ya got it? You say you won’t change, but you’re harpin on me to ‘be more cooperative’ and ‘oh why don’t you work with us’ and all of that bullshit. You’re the one trying to ‘help’ everyone without even listenin to your own damn advice, it seems. I’ll call you stupid all I want. You’ll call me a bully all you want. I’ll punch you if I get too annoyed at it, and that’ll be it. Keep tryin’ to change my mind, buddy, because I won’t.”

[murofushisan]

Out of Reach [Open]

[littleb0y-blue]

murofushisan:

Yukari can’t help but giggle a little at Tatsuya’s embarrassment. It’s pretty cute. She wouldn’t ever say that though, she’s not going to enable him. She gives him a thankful nod as the coffee is placed in front of her.

“Thank you…it looks nice.”

She says, then takes a sip. She recoils as she burns her tongue a tad, but after blowing into her coffee a bit it cools down. Slurp slurp.

She enjoys the quietness surrounding them for a moment. It’s nice, for some reason, she doesn’t feel as if it’s an uncomfortable silence with him. Considering the calm atmosphere, she figures it’s a nice time to bring up some harder topics, although the vibe was fun while it lasted.

“…I’ve been wondering…”

“…Considering your…indifference to what happened recently. Do you think maybe…”

“You’ve trained yourself to push back your emotions? I feel like…lots of people do that during frequent…bad things…With your memory and all, I figured maybe…”

He sits across from her as she speaks, his smile fading with the words that slide from her mouth. His gaze seems to darken as the effort to bring up the subject is shown. He makes no indication that he wants to respond right away. Instead, he shuts his eyes and takes a sip of his coffee, letting it burn his mouth and tongue as he heaves a sigh of vague annoyance.

“Push back....my emotions, huh?”

There’s a tilt of his head and a furrow of his brow as he gazes on at her, sharp and distrusting.

“So was this the reason you came with me? To Psychoanalyze my shit?.”

He waves a hand, indicating he doesn’t care much about the answer to his vaguely rhetorical question.

“I don’t....No. I don’t remember. Even if I was, lord knows why. But I think it’s more...I want to survive. As long as I survive...I don’t feel like it’s important, those others. I’m alive, aren’t I? I guess...that’s enough for my subconcious not to give a shit or something.”

He grips his mug tigehter and winces, smirking a little.

“Kind of fucked up, ain’t it?”

[murofushisan]

Out of Reach [Open]

[littleb0y-blue]

murofushisan:

Yukari figures she really doesn’t want to aggrivate this guy, he could definitely beat her senseless. She gives him a confused look as he seems very confused about her statement.

“…Coffee with milk. T-That’s…um…a pretty normal phrase, Ryuuko-san…”

“I guess we know you’re not a barista now, at least…”

She says with a light chuckle, then nods.

“A cookie or something sounds nice. I’m not in the mood for something as extravagant as cake.”

Tatsuya can feel the blush warming on his cheeks as he gives a loud shrug accompanied by a weird noise from the back of his throat, a sort of exasperated guffaw as he rummages around and makes them both coffee, putting milk into Yukari’s as instructed. He simply keeps his as black as the night.

“It’s not! You can have coffee milk too. It’s like...Milk with some coffee in it. Which is weird. Why put ANYTHING in perfectly bitter coffee?”

He comes out with the cups and stops to look over the see through display of snacks. 

“Cookie....got it.”

He picks out a nice, safe looking chocolate chip cookie and also grabs a slice of soft bread for himself before heading back over to Yukari, placing her coffee in front of her with a teasing hum.

“Your beverage, my lady.”

[littleb0y-blue]

Coffee and Karma [OPEN]

[littleb0y-blue]

shsl-koutsukino:

There was peace for a moment. Or at least Kou assumed it was peace by the way that there was no discomfort in the air. Tatsuya wasn’t talking but that wasn’t an issue for Kou. When his voice came up again, it didn’t pierce it like a needle through softened skin but rather slammed into the silence like a sledgehammer to a brick wall that seemed to all but shatter at the force Tatsuya’s voice seemed to carry.

Their eyebrows furrowed as Tatsuya insisted that they didn’t get it. Didn’t get what? What was it that they were supposed to “get” if he didn’t explain? Their lip tightened into a frown, one they were sure they hadn’t shown until this moment. Was it disappointment with the other or themself? Was it frustration that they weren’t understanding something? Well they were certain it had something to do with being insulted. 

Oh. There came an explanation. Kou didn’t back away as Tatsuya moved closer to them because they didn’t see the need to. They were as calm as ever if not a but frustrated with… with something Tatsuya was doing. It wasn’t his words truly affecting Kou but his actions and delivery. 

“So you think, according to the memory show, that you have killed before and enjoyed it?” they asked, hoping for more clarification on this. They held their chin between their index finger and their thumb as the other arm crossed itself to hold their side and allowed for their elbow to rest upon it. They were thinking.

Then they were laughing. It was a light sorta airy laugh, an unfamiliar sensation to Kou but it felt right so they were doing so. The laugh came to a sorta awkward stop and they let their hands go back to their original position. Their face slips into their natural, neutral expression but the edges of their mouth are curved upwards slightly.

“I have wondered if the us from our memories determines the people we are currently. I can’t say I don’t want to discover who I may have been, I feel as though it’ll provide more insight on why I do certain things, but I feel like I’ll have the answer to my question based on your actions. If you kill and enjoy it again, then I guess we’re all just stuck to repeat ourselves. If you don’t and manage to survive, then maybe losing your memories would be for the better. I wonder which one is more suitable for you.”

Killed and Enjoyed it...The words rang in his ears like crystal being tapped. They sung a high-pitched noise at such an annoying volume that Tatsuya winced at the very mention of them. Not really visible, but, good enough for the distance they were covering to show it to the other. The only thing he found appreciative of the other was the frustration that moderatley took place. He took pride in invoking at least something from the other. 

Then this person...they opened their mouth again. Each word went from Crystal to Nails under Tatsuya’s understanding. Each phrase made him bristle with anger, irrational and not-so, and he didn’t know why. Unlike the memory, however, he didn’t CARE why. The moment of shock had passed. He had admitted to himself what was hard to admit to others. With it came grim acceptance.

And now the stage of anger was bristling his hairs. Tensing his fist. Rolling his muscles.

And then he reached a hand up, flat-palmed, and brought it down to deliver a hard and slapping blow to the side of Kou’s head. He made sure it hit hard enough to echo in the cafe. To put all of his force into it. To grit his teeth and pray that he drew blood.

“Repeat actions. Don’t do them again. Feeling makes us week. Not feeling makes us killers. Holy FUCK will you PICK already? You, this place, and your stupid ass bullshit of a speech is all a piece of CRAP!”

Now he’s angry, riling himself up enough to reach down and grab the other’s collar and hoist them up, gritting his teeth as he brings them close to his face, still leaning over the table.

“I ain’t no pawn or piece of evidence in your weird ass observance game, do you hear that? If you laugh again I’ll rip your fucking teeth out and laugh at YOU while I put them back in one by one, you got me? God you piss me off....What makes you think my actions have ANYTHING to do with you? The only reason they do is because you’re in my damn way.”

[shizukanashizumaru-blog]

When the Match Burns Out || Open

[littleb0y-blue]

shizukanashizumaru:

There’s a primal anger in Tatsuya’s eyes. Had Shizumaru one something to terribly offend him? Perhaps. Normal conversations had always be troubling and difficult. There didn’t seem to be a good moment to apologize for his shortcomings, however, and as it went on, Tatsuya fumed all the more. He had a lot of confidence in himself. Enough to match the temper.

“… You need to be careful. It’s the men who think they’re immortals that tend to die first. And, on occasion, in the silliest of fashions.“

They are words of concern and yet, Shizumaru has some doubt they’ll be taken that way. It feels… appropriate, to him, to imagine overly confident sorts die to the things like the elements. To things like a little infection. To anything and everything they believed themself above. If Tatsuya could avoid that, he’d be all the beter for it.

“I don’t care whether they’re noble or not. If I’m selfish in my mourning, then you may call me a selfish man. I have no intention of seeing anyone else die. If that puts me odds with you, or anyone else, you may consider me your enemy. You’ll find I won’t back down.“

His loud curse alarms Shizumaru and for once, it’s because of the tone and not the f-word itself. Perhaps it really was just Tatsuya trying to cope; he clearly seemed troubled. If that was the case, all the more reason to try and reach out.

“… I’m sorry… I didn’t consider your perspective. Perhaps I was insensitive. Forgive me. Um… I’m sorry. I’m not the best with people. But if you don’t feel anything… that’s odd, certainly, but it doesn’t mean you’re an evil person. This, too, can be seen as strength.”

The words ring a little hollow, but it’s important to at least try to reach out, right? He’s just confused and angry. Those are very wild emotions but they’re hardly misplaced. This whole situation is out of the ordinary… it makes sense if the feelings don’t quite add up, as well.

Tatsuya paused in his discussion to give the other a gaze of pure bafflement. One that read ‘are you stupid?’ as he peeled away his hands from the walls and crossed his arms over his chest, creating an illusion of high broad shoulders and a willingness to hit whenever he felt like it...Well...Maybe that last part wasn’t an illusion. Either way, it ended with a quirked eyebrow.

“Get off your high ass horse. Who the fuck thinks they’re immortal? I’m gonna fucking die if I’m not careful, yeah, I get that. Why do you think i’m trying to survive? If I didn’t fucking murder someone the first time something shitty happened in here, especialy after seeing the results, why would I try knowing I’d die later too?”

The more worrisome part of the situation was that he hadn’t denied to the idea of murdering someone. Above it and above him and above this guy was what Tatsuya had found himself caring for more than anything: Survival. Something inside of him told him to survive. Something inside of him willed the action.

No matter what, survival was key.

“The only thing I want to be seen as strength is how hard I can punch a guy in the face. You can keep your philisophical bullshit to yourself, alright? It’s not like you’ll uphold any of it.”

A sneer and scoff of someone looking down on another.

“You think you’ll save everyone here? Or at least stop them from dying? You’re a fucking joke. Just what makes you think you’re capable of doing that?”

[littleb0y-blue]

Coffee and Karma [OPEN]

[littleb0y-blue]

shsl-koutsukino:

There were a lot of things Kou didn’t understand happening at the moment. They could only watch as Tatsuya- as Tatsuya reacted so much that it was a bit painful to watch. Nothing was making sense to Kou in the way that Tatsuya’s face seemed to darken but it was just too unfamiliar to make out what it was that they were supposed to feel. The only thing they could do was respond accordingly. 

“Yes.”

They let their answer sit before they continued to explain. It made sense to them so why didn’t it make sense to Tatsuya if he was also feeling, or rather, not feeling just like Kou.

“If we reacted and felt the way Hwan-san did then we would die. We would put ourselves in a situation where unnecessary actions would be taken in search of comfort or a way to stop those emotions, right? So we’d kill. The most I’ve, um,” their words were failing them for a moment. They needed to take a break to think. “The most I’ve ‘felt’ during this experience has been watching the memory movie LISE had given to us. It felt disgusting and overwhelming, I didn’t like it.” They tap their chin a bit, “However, Hwan-san ‘felt’ more and thus she killed.” 

Kou had put their hand back down. This was all making sense to them. “If you want to feel so bad, why don’t you? I don’t particularly see the importance of pushing something out of me so I can’t say I’m worried about it. Is that really terrible?” 

Tatsuya stared at Kou for a long, long sort of time, eyes wide as he allowed the single syllable word to sink into his brain as well. Yes...yes what? The word for the situation made no sense to him at all. There was no point to that word. He felt himself getting angrier, and felt the frustration rise in the depths of his chest as the other continued to explain. 

If we had felt...We would have killed. For most, the words would bring comfort to them. Tatsuya almost let them, shoulders relaxing as he considered. But they tensed up not moments later as a memory, fiery and frustrating and burning...remade itself in his head and he slammed his cup on the table.

“NO!”

He tensed more.

“No, no, no! You aren’t-YOu don’t GET IT. You don’t fucking GET IT. Not feeling isn’t an excuse for not fucking up you absolutely stupid piece of SHIT.” 

He inhales, face hazy with frustration still as he leaned across the table, as if getting ready to grab and hit Kou for a reason he couldn’t understand in a word other than anger. Violence. A want to destroy. Like flames. Flames...He gritted his teeth in fear.

“It doesn’t WORK for me because of that memory show...Because I....I’m PRETTY SURE which one’s mine...And it’s the one where people were fucking killed.”

His face grew into a grin as a laugh bubbled up in his throat. His smile was more cocky again, still scared under it but cocky in place of anger for this brief moment.

“And It felt fucking AMAZING.”

[littleb0y-blue]

Coffee and Karma [OPEN]

[littleb0y-blue]

shsl-koutsukino:

The way Tatsuya had finished his cup was rather impressive to Kou. They assumed that the other was just really enjoying their coffee. But that didn’t matter, at least they had an answer.

An answer that didn’t make them feel any better. 

“I see,” they said, playing with the section of their hair that hung a bit from the side of their face. They looked away from Tatsuya as they twirled it a bit. Even if it was logical, it didn’t make sense. That upset Kou, quite a bit. 

“I suppose we’re the same as I felt nothing either. Even after seeing Shiga-san’s body I couldn’t draw up a reaction as the others did,” Kou said, still playing with their hair. Was this a habit they always had? They stopped when they became too aware of what they were doing and returned their hands to their laps. “I guess in this situation it’s a bit of a good thing. If we can keep a level head and focus on the tasks at hand then we’ll survive, right?”

The knowledge that Tatsuya wasn’t the only one who felt nothing at the sight of the dead bodies they’ve come across was somewhat of a relief. A relief mixed with an anxiety. How many of them were fucked up like this? How many of them looked on at the corpse and couldn’t even feel the vague stirrings of sympathetic surprise? Each question brought more frustration than the relief could counter, but, his grip on his cup lightened just a bit.

“A good thing....Huh?”

A long silence unbecoming of Tatsuya’s character held in the thick of it. He looked up at Kou at last, eyes heavy with the dark circles and also frustration.

“Is staying that calm really worth being so fucked up that you can’t even bring yourself to feel surprise at a dead corpse? That you stared at it...You watched a  person get EXECUTED before your eyes....and the only thing you could kind of fell was a vague sense of ‘oh well’?”

The more he talked the more stressed his voice became. It hit an annoyed and half-amused chuckle as he shook his head.

“That’s kind of fucked up! We’re kind of fucked up!”

[shizukanashizumaru-blog]

When the Match Burns Out || Open

[littleb0y-blue]

shizukanashizumaru:

Oh dear.

Shizumaru hated the idea of judging someone based on their image. Everyone had something worthwhile to prove, to spite their background or fashion style. He had even though Tatsuya had looked quite modern and trendy. But there was a certain worry with a style like that… the, how to put it… punk style? Hm. He was sure there was a better term somewhere out there. Still, that was fine, everyone had preferences. But the way he had acted in the trial was… less than helpful. And his attitude now seemed equally as bad. Perhaps he was bothered about the proceedings and was taking it out on Shizumaru… that would make him stress relief. It felt good to be needed but he wasn’t sure he appreciated that. He may have had his shortcomings but he had no intention of being walked all over, coping method or not.

“You have misunderstood my words; my apologies. I meant, not to worry I am up to anything malicious. A hospital can have a variety of harmful tools, both in medicine bottled form and of the sharper variety. I was trying to reassure you I meant no harm. I believe in being upfront. And on that note, I cannot say I appreciate your language or tone. I haven’t done anything that warrants it.”

His tone remains stiff and even. There’s no need to be so annoyed yet. After all, perhaps he was just blowing off some steam. He could take a little rudeness. And in turn, he could be a little curt back, that seemed fair. It was the perfect opportunity to stand down, should the other party wish it.

Shizumaru’s height is nothing compared to Tatsuya’s but he shows no sign of hiding from his glare nor buckling under any pressure. Even as Tatsuya goes to investigate the boxes, Shizumaru remains vigilant, opting to keep an eye on him instead of rummage thorugh the shelves.

“I’m hoping to be productive. I’m not sulking, but, that doesn’t mean I’m not upset at what happened. I think… being affected by that sort of display is quite normal.”

That was an understatement. He felt only a monster of some kind wouldn’t feel anything, looking at that. Being there, seeing that… whether it be remorse… sadness.. guilt… anger… surely some emotion must spring into action when thinking about the trial. He folds his arms and shuts his eyes briefly before continuing on.

“Either way, you have said prior ‘sweetheart you do not give a’…”

He pauses on the curse word, frowning his disapproval and cleanly moving on without using the word or any substitute.

“…If this is the case, then whether I’m sulking or not shouldn’t matter to you. My mind and my feelings are mine alone. You can’t strong-arm me out of them. If you wish to converse, perhaps it’s more profitable to talk about the situation and what we can do about it instead.“

Every word that fell out of this guy’s mouth made Tatsuya even more annoyed. This guy...was exactly the type of guy he couldn’t stand. He wasn’t sure when he had decided such a thing, but, the decision was made now. Saucy and direct little shits who are unaffected by his harsh words and dark feelings were not welcome in the boy’s heart. It was clear by the way he narrowed his eyes that he was far from interested or moved by the other’s sense of directness and curt attitude.

“Harm or not, I don’t give a shit. If you tried hurting me, I’d knock your lights out.”

The subject of the previous events was brought up, and the emptiness and uncaring was felt again. It again startled Tatsuya, each moment of uncaring welling up like blood from a wound. His teeth clenched and eyes glowered in dark frustration. Fuck this! Fuck this!! Why couldn’t he understand? Why did people keep bringing it up?

“I don’t WANT to talk about it.”

The harsh and sharp statement was accompanied by an abrupt standing and Tatsuya punching a nearby wall. Fist clenched, the wall shook with the force he put into it. He wished that was this guy’s head. His teeth were gritted and eyes fiery.

“Who gives a shit about that ‘display’? Dead’s dead. You think your feelings are oh-so-noble like everyone else’s but they’re bullshit! What we can do about this situation is fucking survive or kill others so we stay alive. So what?”

He lets out one last loud ‘FUCK’ before shoving his head in his unfisted hand and growling in frustration. 

“I don’t understand...I don’t understand! Those fucking feelings you all have...”

[murofushisan]

Out of Reach [Open]

[littleb0y-blue]

murofushisan:

Yukari can’t helped to be relieved when he’s not offended by her joking gesture. She sits down by one of the tables and watches Tatsuya look around for a minute. That’s right, there is indeed a lot to look for in these new places…She looks up and scratches the back of her head when she’s asked she’d like to have.

“Oh- um…c-coffee maybe?”

She says nervously. In reality, she doesn’t think she really likes coffee, but she wants to seem mature! She needs to build her rep back up.

“…Milk please.

It takes a lot to get Tatsuya intentionally offended, my good girl. Keep on trying. Or not. Either way, Tatsuya crosses his arms as he listens to her request for beverages. Taking in the words, his eyebrow quirks.

“Coffee....milk? Like Coffee AND milk or coffee milk, the ‘coffee milk’ drink?”

Coffee does sound good though. He thinks that he’ll nab a cub for himself also. Not actually waiting for Yukari to respond (she’ll yell if its really important) he turns to hurry into the kitchen area. While the glass view of sodas and other beverages are good, they crave something warm. He knew that. 

Tatsuya takes  his time in the kitchen. He rummages through the cabinets of the kitchen for cups and perhaps other goodies before attempting to locate any sort of coffee machine for him and his companion.

“Food or anything?”

The additional thought is yelled out to Yukari through doors. 

[littleb0y-blue]

Coffee and Karma [OPEN]

[littleb0y-blue]

shsl-koutsukino:

Well this was certainly a reaction. Kou didn’t move nor did they flinch away from Tatsuya. They watched his movements and the neutral expression they wore slipped into a frown. This was no way to hold a conversation, but if Tatsuya was asking a question then it was only polite to answer. 

“Because I was curious. It seemed others had reacted and a few of us did not. I was simply wondering why,” they responded with a bit of a sigh. Talking to Tatsuya wasn’t easy and it felt a bit draining. 

“Ah, noted. I didn’t invite myself over, however, you said that if I wanted something to spit it out so that’s just what I’m doing,” Kou explained, wondering if they should actually spit on Tatsuya and if that would make him feel better. They understood that it was just a saying but if Tatsuya was being so negative about this then maybe that was what he wanted all along? Disgusting.

Tatsuya, seeming to have calmed down briefly after his outburst of anger, glared at the coffee in his hands. Without a word, he tipped his head back with the cup to his lips, slamming down the burning liquid all in one swoop. He brings his cup back down with a slam and a sigh, chewing on his lip and tasting the remaining blackness. The action brought him time to think. To figure out. To calm down, though that last one was difficult. He hadn’t been calm since he woke up in this hellscape.

“Hard to react when you don’t feel much.”

The words were mumbled and frustrated, shown by the tightened grip on his now empty cup.

“It’s not that I didn’t react...I just couldn’t. I just....didn’t....I didn’t....”

Care enough. The words faded on his lips as he grumbled out a sigh.

“What about you, then? What did you feel?”