[littlebuckaroo]

Hey sweet thing. Sorry i've been away, i've been travelling for a while. Thought about you lots though. It's all fucking tough and it has been for too long, but one day Andy, things will be right as rain. Funny phrase that. People wish the rain away. Soon, baby, things will be right as sunshine

I could cry.

[littlebuckaroo]

Hey just wanted to say that things are perfect but my ass is fat and my meds are working <3

[littlebuckaroo]

did you know Im a sweetie?

[littlebuckaroo]

do you ever wanna creep?

for real darlings, some day I will return here but for actual ease sake if you have followed me here and you care to know I am around Im @andysroadshow on instagram and its private but I approve or if you just liked my drawings Im @placeholder.andy.exe

[littlebuckaroo]

Happy Valentine's Day love<3

yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

[littlebuckaroo]

Who would like to have their dreams stop re-traumatizing them every night THIS GAL THAT WHO ps if anyone has tips on dreamcare that would be cool?

[littlebuckaroo]

That's why safe words are important

I need a concentration/disassociation safe word with myself? I’ll get right on that.

[littlebuckaroo]

henlo I am very sweaty and hold my breath when I read so when I hyperfocus on reading something sometimes I experience oxygen deprivation symptoms????

[littlebuckaroo]

its the weird dream intrusive thought thunder dome over here

[littlebuckaroo]

ahh so Im having a lot of feelings about my larger body and why I have to be okay with it even if I am not okay with it. I got triggered by a photograph which sucks. My restaurant won an award again this year so I got all gussied up in a way I don’t normally do(full face make-up, hair did, etc) and was feeling myself but then the only picture anyone took whch then got uploaded across all our business social media and I feel like I look just awful and everyone else looks precious and most days I fight the desire to be thin because I know that’s not only a boring frivolous goal but also will not bring me the joy I though tit would but fuck shitting god damn if I am not being strongly reminded that my recovery def isn’t ‘over’ and might not ever be.

[littlebuckaroo]

so it took two days to actually take them but Im waking up on my second morning and can’t tell if I feel fucked because meds or fucked because mental illness wa hoo

[littlebuckaroo]

also shout out to whoever has been spouting semi-nonsense in my message box. I deeply appreciate most of it.

[littlebuckaroo]

I had a small upswing of energy/suicidal ideation(they tend to go hand in hand with me) a little while ago which freak me out so I booked a bunch of appointments. Normally I would have been so anxious by the time they came I would no show. I took the opportunity to go to get referred to a social worker, get a massage(and acupuncture! I was a skeptic but now Im like?!?!?!?!?), refill my retinols and facial stuff, and getting new mealworms and a large wheel for our newest Hedgehog!!! She is a rescue and my partner named her Professor Babycorn, I am in love but very fussy mom mode. The most important is that I finally got put on medication and now Im a very fine owner of a citalopram prescription. An entire lifetime of being Professionally Mentally Ill™ and I am unpacking the shame of medication, I am both nervous/scared(I couldnt pull the trigger on taking them last night so Im starting tonight) and excited.

[littlebuckaroo]

im sorry.

[littlebuckaroo]

will you tell me your secret name?

[littlebuckaroo]

Just here to say Im so grateful for the things I find in my inbox on here. As much as I feel like I could drift away everywhere it’s good to know some places I have to stay on shore. I originally loaded this up to make a likely triggering rant but am touched by strangers kindness

[littlebuckaroo]

I somehow lost my ability to overshare with people I know. I cannot reach out to people with a breaking heart. I want to be close and converse and have real friendships but I feel as though Im old hat. I would rather yell at the sea than whisper sweet nothings to ghosts.