Irene hates how cold and dark her apartment is. The vacant living room reminds her to invest in a couch or a futon, but it’s all just a distraction in the form of empty promises. She chooses to live this life, yet she can’t help but hate the silence.
The rookie actress opens the fridge only to see its contents are the same leftovers she’s eaten for the past 2 days. Wanting something else for a change, she looks to order something online. She’s about to order some malatang, but remembers how Chorong was craving it the last night they were together. It’s an obscure memory, but the emotions rise enough that Irene decides she will no longer get anything delivered. Ramen it is.
As the water boils, she looks through her emails. Her agent had forwarded her various invitations to award show galas and movie release after-parties. Irene knows she should start attending them again, but she still doesn’t feel sure if she was ready.
The celebrity knows she has a social status to upkeep and everyone’s waiting for her return to the spotlight. She’s lost track of how much time has passed, but regardless of how high that count is, she isn’t sure if she’s capable of attending such a high stakes event alone.
Maybe she doesn’t have to go stag. She never did anyways. Changsub could carry a conversation when Irene needed to take a step back. Chorong always warned her that he might need to be supervised when he spots expensive bourbon. Byulyi is another safe option. Irene hasn’t really talked to her since the memorial.
It’s not the same. Changsub won’t squeeze Irene’s hand after a reporter grills her. Byulyi won’t distract everyone around them with dolphin squeaks of a laugh.
She aggressively snaps the ramen package in half. The sudden motion causes the plastic bag to open in the middle, allowing the blocks of dry noodles to fall. Irene hisses when the boiling water hits her skin.
The idea of “replacing” Yongsun and Chorong never sat well with her. The instant, internal denial makes Irene feel like she’s emotionally regressing, but she has to remember the baby steps she’s already taken, like settling their shared investments and moving out of their apartment. They were all hard decisions to make all by herself, but Irene did it.
She still wishes she didn’t.
Irene wishes she could still come home to Yongsun working out in the living room and Chorong preparing dinner in the kitchen. Irene wishes she could complain to her roommates about forgetting to take out the trash. Yongsun will sweet talk her way out of Irene’s annoyance and Chorong will ask her about her day.
The two of them weren’t just people Irene lived with. It might've seemed like that more than 12 years ago when they shared a college dorm together. Their relationship evolved into a friendship with all the classes they shared. They became sisters when they cried about breakups and job rejections.
That was all taken away from Irene after a phone call with the police and within the white walls of the funeral home.
Irene has learned to stop blaming herself for what happened, but it’s never been easy for her to cope with her losses.
She can afford new furniture and try new food and attend important events alone, but the lack of Chorong and Yongsun’s presence manifests into a discomfort she doesn't know how to battle just yet.
When the ramen is done cooking, she grabs a bottle of soju from the fridge and settles down in her breakfast nook. Irene always thought that this table was too small for the three of them. Irene always thought that with less people, it would take longer for her to consume the leftover alcohol. At an alarming rate, empty bottles easily occupied the empty spaces.
As she waits for her meal to cool down, she browses through social media. She takes a swig out of her bottle before scrolling through comments.
She doesn’t shine as much as she used to.
Did she get plastic surgery?
It’s amazing that she can smile after what has happened.
The actress is no stranger to criticism or hate comments. It comes with the job. Short comments can have different meanings and need context that she’ll never receive.
People can hate on her as much as they want, but as long as she has a schedule, she couldn’t care less.
That's what they reminded her then. That's what she tells herself now.
She’s half a bottle in until her emotions finally loosen up. Irene slams her phone on the table and stands up. She marches to her bedroom, disregarding her meal and her device.
Who is she kidding?
No matter how many positive comments there were, no matter how many jobs she could take, they wouldn't be able to uplift her in the same way her friends once did.
Irene tries her best to commemorate their support by recalling memories and the words of encouragement that they used. She knows Yongsun would be proud of her new project. She can imagine Chorong telling her to ignore the malicious comments. She'll remember them as much as she can, but falls back to the reality that she has to do this alone.
Nonetheless, she can’t always hold herself up, especially on a particularly low day.
Fear and stress suddenly engulf her. The intensity of loneliness overwhelms her and it’s times like this when she dearly misses her best friends.
She thinks about how her counselor tells her how “time will heal” and that “work will be a good distraction”. The accident happened last winter and it's nearing their birthdays. Clearly, it’s not enough time to mourn, yet Irene busies herself with this project since it's been penned in her calendar for nearly a year ago and she needs some income.
To an extent, her counselor is right. The pain from loss doesn’t hurt as much. Irene has stopped feeling guilty for something she can’t control. Nonetheless, it’s hard to cope with the idea of being alone again. Irene knows how to cook her own food and to clean the dishes, but forcing herself to do all these things has been mentally taxing when all she wants to do is curl up in a ball and cry.
She unbuttons her shirt and shrugs it off. There’s probably a fresh set of pajamas in her closet, but the feeling of Yongsun’s old, plush blanket against her bare skin will ground her.
Irene looks down and smiles at the tattoo on her bicep. The ink was an impulse decision after the three of them landed their first jobs. Time had passed and the shading needed some retouching, but she won’t ever remove the panda or the dragon, even if it had cost her some roles.
“Why are we getting it on our bicep again?” It’s ironic Chorong whines about it now, considering her tattoo artist is halfway done with the second animal of their piece.
Irene stares at the outline on her own arm. Although she’s pretty committed to the idea, seeing the stencil on her skin intimidated her. Thinking answering her question will rid her cold feet, she responds, “Isn’t it supposed to be the least painful area?” That’s what their tattoo artist advised them.
Yongsun admires herself in the mirror and flexes her arms. “It’s on my bicep because you two are my strength.”
Irene rolls her eyes at the corny comment, but smiles. Yongsun initially suggested that they placed their tattoos on the chest, presumably since it’s easy to hide. With that answer, Irene can imagine her actual reasoning is because she keeps them close to her heart. Her friends might be intolerably greasy, but she loved everything about them.
Another tattoo artist calls Yongsun to the back so they can apply the skin film. With her absence, the room grows quiet, minus the rock music in the background. Considering how tense Chorong looked, Irene knew she should try to distract her.
“How bad does it hurt?” Maybe she could’ve chosen a different topic, but she knows Chorong will ease up after talking about her feelings.
Chorong exhales and her eyebrows soften. She looks towards Irene and smiles. “It’s not bad, but being stabbed a million times is definitely uncomfortable.
Irene walks over and grabs Chorong’s other hand. “You’ll get through this.” She looks down at Chorong’s tattoo-in-progress and smiles at the nearly completed dragon and panda. The tattoo artist was starting on the rabbit. “Yong’s dragon is already done!”
Chorong closes her eyes and squeezes Irene’s hand. “I know I will. Pain is just temporary.”
Tears fall down Irene’s cheeks. She’s too exhausted to bawl her eyes out, but she won’t hide the pain.
Pain is temporary. Irene will be able to move past this. Irene knows that Chorong and Yongsun are still a pillar of strength for her. Nonetheless, she does wish she could be in their arms or hear words of comfort again.
The positive reinforcement helps Irene’s sleep with less anxiety. The dread of tomorrow feels less intense.
For now, she’ll seek comfort in the reminder that Chorong and Yongsun will always be with Irene, just like their permanent tattoo memorialized on her skin.
I am the author of New Modern Love on Ao3, for who doesn't know it's now a 29 chapters smut fic with the members in University, that somehow got plot in it and now are missing just two chapters.
So if you wanted some smut here's the link to the latest chapter, have fun and enjoy the ride.
areudirty
stormborns
gummygunk
blakekathryn
tangentwithtanner
