littlelove

.your favorite transfem trashcan. 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️ .music, poetry, venting. 🎶🎶🎶 .love collaborators, hate clankers. 🤖🔫,💀

[littleloveband]

So anyways, this is supposed to (mostly) be a page for my music. I really want to start devoting myself to posting the process of creation somewhere, instead of just writing->recording->deleting on repeat like i have for the last decade...

littlelove originally started as a solo project around 2016; After a few short years starting bands in the local scene that would play less than a dozen shows each, I began writing music that resonated with my experiences and feelings rather than obsessing over writing "the next banger" that maybe 20 people at The Prophet Bar would hear.

The fuel of my dumpster-fire verses became everything that was destroying me daily: poverty, gender identity, addiction, living with parkinson's, and feeling absolutely inadequate in everyday life.

It's been a hell of a decade since the project started. There's been a lot of highs, and more than enough lows; all adding up to a compendium of songs that I keep doubting or judging too harshly until things fall apart (literally) and I have less ability to produce what I could before. I guess I'm finally tired of being unfair to myself in that way.

So hey, if you like hearing the nonsensical rantings of a transfem trashcan, then stick around! We'll be perfect friends 💛

[littleloveband]

Tumblr really feels like a perfect example of dead Internet theory, I've yet to find anyone here that isn't a bot.

[littleloveband]

[littleloveband]

It's hard to say goodbye, I always feel like this is when & where the year resets for me. I'm excited for what will come, but I must admit the previous year has made me nervous about what new or worsening challenges there will be.

I guess we'll see together; At least I feel more prepared in some ways this time.

[littleloveband]

The past few days have been extra challenging, in new ways and in familiar ones. I'm finding this is the breaking point, but it does seem like people are actually listening now and valuing the fact that they haven't been when I asked in the past.

And though the resolve the negativity built in me still remains; it feels like the hopeful optimist in me will never be able to stop.

A damn fool, she is, but maybe I'll really let her out this time.

[littleloveband]

[terraswallows]

Enough gay thoughts.

Its time for gay actions!

[littleloveband]

Feels so great to overhear when other people talk about not wanting you around them, right?

[littleloveband]

Some lyrics I've been revising and reworking for a while, they cover some of my feelings and struggles with living with Young Onset Parkinsons. Meant to be for a heavy song, kinda feeling the pulse of something chaotic with "in your face" percussion. Fair warning, it comes from a harsh and negative space in my mind, but it feels worthy of sharing at this point:

"Parker? idonnevenknoher2"

With every shake I feel more like a mistake; 

Contorted pain to match a broken brain.

With every night where I can't win the fight;

A shame and guilt, like a torch thrown on the life we built.

And when the pain is better left unspoken,

I'm still alive; can't keep my eyes open.

And when I try it feels like I'm choking;

Twisting inside, I hear my voice croaking.

So now the silence fills the space in between 

The Burden and her dumb fucking dream.

A hauntingly calm reminder;

You can only save yourself,

Your friends will never call. 

So when you climb up to your highest peak:

(Jump)

Embrace the mother-fucking fall.

I can't fucking believe this.

I thought I was only losing myself.

I thought they would always be here.

This is the rest of my life;

Stupid fucking stoic silence.

Fuck.

With every breath I feel more like a burden;

Chaotic amalgama of symptom progression.

And when I try and think that I can prevail 

I'm reminded my body's always destined to fail.

Definitely open to feedback, but that's what I've got for now on this one! I hope it resonates in someway with someone, but hell its just been a great exercise in "letting that shit go" for me.

[littleloveband]

[drst]

Heads up my trans and queer friends, do not participate in this study. Spread the word to stay away;

Skeet from Alejandra Caraballo that says: If you see this, don't participate. It's a rigged study by Lisa Littman and unethical researcher J. Michael Bailey meant to undermine access to care. Spread the word.

[bunnygirlbree]

30+ year old trans women my beloved

Everyone say thank you 30+ year old trans women

[littleloveband]

The only thing I'm looking forward to about turning 30: I'm one year closer to cougar status.

[littleloveband]

Little venting/diary time, idk;

It's already been SUCH A GREAT TRIP, many parts that often felt more stressful in the past haven't this time. Unfortunately it feels like part of that reason is that there's a couple new stressors (iz me, im one of em) this year, so no one has the energy to be stressed about the usual stuff.

I just feel bad, and I'm trying to fill the gaps where I see little things building into big issues. Part of me feels helpless in a time where everyone is feeling fed up. Maybe that's not the right phrase, but overwhelmed; stressed out by the severity of her confusion and repetitious obsessive behaviors.

I don't fit the description of that puzzle piece exactly, but recently enough in life I was such a shape and color that a less adept puzzle-solver would easily spend a few frustrated minutes insisting on jamming me into the space they see.

It's very different for so many reasons and circumstances, I just hope my insight can help me helping everyone. Maybe it'll help me be a better distraction during the day and caretaker during the night. There's so many strange parts I remember from that immense brain fog, but so many parts that blur with past psychosis and dissociative periods. I guess it takes all of the episodes, the facilities, the years of thrashing between mental health treatments for something I was misdiagnosed with anyway. All the fucked up "knowledge and experience" I've gained from the roller coaster that has been the last decade of my life.

For now, it tells me to stay down here. Walking upstairs is gonna get increasingly difficult the longer I stay, but honestly I feel so much better knowing someone's with her. The only time's she's been stirring much is when I've left the room. I think there's a lot of emotional and physical healing to having a loved one present, I remember I always felt better with them around even if I was catatonic or unconscious. They were always there for me, still always are; I think this is my opportunity to show the same love, care, and attention they always give me.

I'm so fucking lucky to be a part of this family. I love you all, so much more than I'll ever know how to show.

[littleloveband]

The best part of a long drive through the plains and into the mountains is the writing it provokes for me. My inspiration feels most alive along the rolling hills and valleys; snow painting the peaks against the skyline. The wind rustling through the fields of near absolute nothingness looks calm and inviting, yet it beats in harsh and violent gusts against the windshield and windows.

So many people see this empty land as boring, barren, or difficult to live amongst. Truly, I feel the comfort of such natural space and lack of overwhelming structures of endless capitalist expansion is more deeply rewarding. Even short moments here feel more comfortably lived and well remembered than the years of living deep within a metroplex built and ran by the suffering of common people who merely wish to live in their own comfort as they please.

So with this time and inspiration, I hope to get a great deal of work done.

[terraswallows]

[maggotmuncher0]

vulture culture

[starcanid]

Scavenger