So this is my life!

Familia = Mi Amor, Mi Vida, Mi Todo. Twitter / Instagram: maimaidearbz

[littlemissmai]

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m missing that connection with the outside world. So much has happened, so much shit is happening, and it is mentally suffocating. Overwhelming is not even the half of it. Spread awareness. Raise your voice. End Racism. Stay safe, everyone. https://www.instagram.com/p/CAzqoGlp0Kk/?igshid=nvzwfb51122s

[littlemissmai]

You were one of my closest friends and meeting you have honestly been one of the best things to ever happen to me. Things change, life changes and shit happens and the fact that I wasted it all. I miss you so much and I have so much respect for you. I just want you to be happy, even if that happiness no longer includes me. Happy Birthday. I will always love you. (at Zamboanga City) https://www.instagram.com/p/B3o5xUfpf2l/?igshid=1vnm8tnh1d345

[littlemissmai]

Prolly just one of their candid photos that may not mean anything for some. Their friendship is surreal as you can see. Offcam or not, this photo speaks volume about how their closeness is indeed effortless. ❤️😂 #vintagemode #friendshipgoals #candid

[littlemissmai]

Be real and be kind in a world full of fakes and hypocrites. #IndulgeUs

[littlemissmai]

Missing you comes in waves.
She misses your carefree smiles and laughs.
She misses you…a lot.
She’s deeply sorry for everything she has put you through.
She’s sorry, she never saw this coming.
She’s sorry, you deserve better.
She really hopes all is well.
She really hopes you never know pain or heartache.
She really hopes all your dreams come true.
She really hopes you’re happy, you deserve nothing less.
She thanks you for giving her so many smiles.
She thanks you for being everything she could ask for (and more) in a friend.
Never forget that she will always be here for you no matter what happens.
She loves you to the moon and back.
Even though things have changed, that will never change. Belated Happy Birthday.

[littlemissmai]

When I cut you out of my life

This is one of the random moments when reflection leads to overthinking. And when overthinking sinks in. Shit's finally getting real.

I never thought being told at a young age when you get older you lose some of your friends would be true... But it happened.

When they no longer invite you out because you give too many excuses that are not believable and acceptable anymore (I quote, paulit-ulit na lang. Masyado ka kasing busy eh – if only they knew).

When you're way out of their field but you're only losing yourself in the process (not cool or funny enough, I guess).

When they're speaking using their own language. (na leleft-out, because, in all honesty, you don't speak and understand their language). Cough, cough, no abla ingles (this is me, being sarcastic).

When you don't or it takes too long for you to reply to their messages (nakakalimutan mo kasi o kaya tinatamad ka lang).

When you knew they're talking and (probably) laughing behind your back, and you're just like keeping all the pain inside you (kasalanan mo rin kasi).

There’s a saying, “if I cut you off, chances are, you're the one who handed me the scissors”. I guess, it is my only way of running or hiding. But mostly, of not suffering from a prolonging pain. This might sound bitter but we have to cut ties with those who hurt us, hika nga nila.

I've always thought true friends were supposed to be there for you through it all but I guess that's not true when they have better plans instead.

Know your true friends. Know your family. Because one day it hurts when you find out that people that you thought were true, aren't. Unfortunately, things changed, people changed, time passed.

I know I have my own issues. I humbly admit and recognize my own shortcomings (believe me I have a lot) and failure as a friend where I could have done better in this relationship or friendship. Though, I can't blame anyone, but myself for my shortcomings and that's what hurts the most. Which I have gravely regretted it every day hence.

I miss you. I will always love you. I’m... sorry.

And may our paths cross again someday.

[littlemissmai]

When everything has already been prepared - from things to bring, outfit to use, shoes to wear, and criminally early alarm has been set at 2:45 A.M., 3:00 A.M., 3:15 A.M., 3:30 A.M., 3:45 A.M., and 4:00 A.M. (I kid you not!) but only to have woken up at 7:00 A.M. 😔 so much for “that-moment-when-you-are-excited-to-cheer-for-your-teammates-and-to-participate-in-the-Fun-Run” churva. I’m honestly so disappointed with myself 😔😭😡 #nakakainis #badtrip #sorryteammates #gochartreuse #diakomakamoveon

[littlemissmai]

Ohana. ❤️ #tisthereasonfortheseason #merrychristmas

[littlemissmai]

At the end of the day, life is about being happy, and being who you are. Never forget you're blessed to be here no matter what position you're in, there is always hope no matter how unbearable the situation is. Be thankful. Be grafeful. Be blessed - with your life, with your career, with the people you have in your life, and to have lived another year. Thank you! ❤️😘 #HappyBirthday #begratefulalways #livewithapurpose #kaartehan101 #madramalangangpeg

[littlemissmai]

So lucky and blessed to have the people I have in my life. ❤️

[littlemissmai]

Happy Fiesta! Bonding with the fambam 😁😁 (PS. Please enjoy the fact that my left cheek is swollen 😭 😩 #hirapngumitiattumawa) (at Bistro Fellini)

[littlemissmai]

If only I could touch the sky. Free my mind and live my life, exactly how I like. #upinthesky #blueskies #flyhigh #cloudporn #wanderer #manilabound #goodvibes #believeyoucanfly

[littlemissmai]

Hiked all 14 trails of Mt. Takao. Made it at the top of the mountain. And got a peak of Mt. Fuji from the distance. Twas worth it! 👌🏻 #wanderlust #maitravels #travelgram #bucketlist (at Mt. Takao)

[littlemissmai]

It actually happened to me! Being 25 and taking care of a 60 year-old Mother who is suffering from a mild stroke.

I hate it when people get mad at you just because they worked on something which is supposed to be your work/job. But the truth is, it is also THEIR job!!!

Let me get this fact straight!

I am a 25 year old girl (or woman), going 26. Living with parents. Have 3 sisters and 3 brothers. 6th in the family or second to the youngest. And currently unemployed for almost a year now.

Well, I used to have one. But unfortunately, I resigned due to one reason alone (but just so you know, I did not regret it because it was worth it. She was worth it).

The past two years, I had been working as a Finance Analyst at one of the biggest corporations and shopping malls in the Philippines. I was born and lived in a highly urbanized city, and after I graduated college, I decided to move and look for a job in the capital city of the Philippines.

Last year, February 8, 2015, my Mom suffered a mild stroke. It was almost night time when my sister texted us (my sisters and I) that my Mom is brought to the hospital. The stroke affected the left side of her body.

The next few months were not that easy – being far away from your Mom, out of your reach, and helplessly do nothing except call her and give her your virtual moral support – were the hardest 6 months I have endured and suffered because I worry too much.

A few months later, I decided to resign and moved back from my hometown. To ease the worry at those horrific times.

I never thought, at this age, I would be taking care of my 60 year-old mother – wake up early to prepare her breakfast, prepare her snacks, give her medicines, get her blood pressure, accompany her in the veranda/porch, brush/clean her dentures, clean her chamber pot, help her take a bath and get dress, constantly looking out for her, and asking her every damn hour whether she’s okay or not to the point that it becomes annoying already (my sister’s words, so, yeah).

I spent ten months in this daily ritual and daze. There was a time I was not yet at ease in my new role.

Now at home, I cannot help but think of myself. Sometimes I find myself thinking and pondering what did I do to deserve this? How did I get myself into this situation? Why did I ruin an almost good-life I have back then? Yes, I should have not resigned from my last job, I should have not moved back home, I should have not left the almost good-life and career I used to have. Yes, I should have not. I could have left everything on the hands of my brothers and sisters who were with my Mom.

But the thing is I did! I did resign. I did ruin my life. I did leave. I did move back home.

I am a selfish creature thrust into a selfless situation. And because I love my Mom so much that I would do anything for her. But I guess, destiny gives me far too much credit.

As I mentioned earlier, I have 3 brothers and 3 sisters. 2 sisters are in the capital city of the Philippines, and the rest of them, are living with my parents. But what I cannot understand and comprehend is why is it am I the most productive when taking care of my Mom?

What I meant by productive is – why am I the only shit doing MOST of all those works, when my brothers and sisters can. Ironically, it is just so sad that they keep on pushing all the responsibilities to me. It is as though they waited for me to come home and do all those stuff that I missed; those months when they were still the one doing all those stuff.

On their defense, though, they were and are doing some of the works. To be fair, I am not taking all the credit. However, when they think/thought and/or feel/felt their job is done or they have already done something – granted as though they have already accomplished something and did their part, they refused to do the other stuff. Sigh.

All I ever wanted is for them to acknowledge her – whether if she’s doing okay or not? Does she need or want something? And to just drop by at her room, and see what she’s doing. But no. They can’t even spare the time.

Sad, I know right?

Moving on...

Unpredictable. That sums up what I have learned from the past few months. Mostly between the day-to-day activities of my mother and my family, when I have the moment to look into my own mind, it is a topsy-turvy mess of a puzzle. I feel as though I am accomplishing the bare minimum and running in circles.

Honestly, I am frightened of what the future will hold for my mother and for us. My mom is forced to cope, or at least live with, the reality her life after stroke. There are ebbs and flows in her acceptance. But in reality, coming to terms with her body and living like post stroke will be an enduring and lifelong course. We have already been informed that my mother will never return to a “normal” state of being. That on the incoming years, it will even become more difficult. There will be more obstacles and complications that will ascend which is what her health track record has proven so far. But the unknown factor is what will the complications be, and at what day will they start appearing?

And there is no doubt she understands that. Likewise, I am learning and realizing myself that coping with the realities and turbulence of being her daughter is also lifelong process with an ending that cannot even be comprehended. As far as I know is that I am scared, but so is my Mom.

Life was supposed to be fun. Life was to be an adventure. And life was to be lived. I could be promoted or could have been given a raise by now. I could be spending my money for traveling or spending anything my heart desires. I could mean to meet my soul mate somewhere down the road by now. But no.

The idea of turning away from my Mom? Of leaving her to traverse this depressing place she finds herself in alone – I CANNOT! If there's one thing I want to express it isn't the hardship or the suffering that comes with taking care of a 60 year-old stroke victim and dealing with unreasonable brothers and sisters – but it is the love I have for my dearly loved Mother.

She is my love -- the physical epitome of my beating heart. I simply cannot walk away.

[littlemissmai]

Sometimes all you need is a giant stack of pancakes. Oh, and friends! But seriously... 😁 #yummy #foodporn #foodie Thank you, Benjie Chua, Ronnel Chua and @nightwing0007 😁

[littlemissmai]

#thelonelysoul #shadow

[littlemissmai]

“I'm not mean, I'm just being honest”

Tell me, if I say such hurtful truth against you, would you say I'm being honest? Or am I just being mean/rude? There's a difference between being honest and being rude. You keep on saying, "I'm not mean, I'm just being honest", it's really just an excuse to be rude and vulgar.

Think about it. Does your honesty have you apologizing for something that doesn't need to be? Does your  opinion really need to be explained as just being honest? No. There is a fine line, no matter if you want to admit it or not, between being honest and being rude. Being honest is not an excuse to be an ass. You can be honest while being sensitive to the other person's feelings. Honesty to the point of bluntless can become rude.

Stupid!