Everything I've Learned In My Journey In Recovery

Yes, I'm a drug addict. Yes, I'm in recovery. Yes, I love it. I want to use this to show people that life in recovery is worth it. If you need someone to reach out to leave anything in my ask. I'm always available to help and it will remain anonymous or I won't post it if you wish. Just know that you aren't alone. Clean date: 1/9/16

[livinginsobriety]

What have I learned with 3 3/4 years clean?

I have learned that:

1. Life happens the way it is meant to happen. The only control I have is my reactions and my choices.

2. Gratefulness has soothed my mind in times of sadness, frustration, and anger

3. If I always got my way, I wouldn't learn anything

4. Life is actually enjoyable if I give it a chance

5. Perspective is everything. If I look at a situation negatively I'm going to experience negative emotions.

6. Be a friend...even to your enemies.

7. Resentments suck and drain life from you. Let them go.

8. Be spiritual. Does not have to be God or Allah or Buddha. I also dont buy that whole "it could be a doorknob". But believe in something that is greater than you.

9. Take a vacation.

10. Take it one day at a time. Vital to recovery...well at least to mine.

[livinginsobriety]

Is NA/AA the only way?

*Disclaimer* I am in no way saying that NA/AA doesn't work or that I don't believe in the 12-steps. I'm a string supporter of the 12-steps and an constantly working my program (though not always perfectly as I am human)

Since I began at this new job I have found a variety of people who either struggle to stay clean, are staying clean, or are not trying to stay clean. I've asked my patients to tell me about their recovery program, what support do they have/use, etc. I've also gotten a variety of answers. I want to share about two popular ones.

1. "everyone in NA/AA judges me because I'm on methadone"

Yes, the 12-step fellowships are about complete abstinence, but what about medically supervised? I believe that if one using medication assisted therapy has stopped actively using and has had an increased quality of life and is working a program then why does it matter? The sole purpose of these meetings are to help the next struggling addict. This view of those on MAT being judged pushes people away and can actually cause harm. Though there are support groups for people on MAT sometimes there arent a lot and if someone is serious about their recovery is showing up and changing behaviors then why judge. Also, I would like to point out, you are not required to disclose that you're on methadone. Don't feel down because of it.

2. "I found that going to church and having friends through there have kept me clean"

A few of my patients who have been doing well for years have shared that they are active in church and don't attend 12-step meetings. I have spoken to people at the meetings I go to who have made statements saying that you can't stay clean just by going to church but need NA/AA as well. As this may their truth, I would have to disagree with them. Spiritualality is important in recovery. For so long active addiction left us spiritually bankrupt. Also, AA was founded on spiritual principles and utilizes "God" as a part of their program. We can't judge someone's journey to recovery as everyone's recovery is their own. In many find relief and hope in NA/AA, church, or both. Others may seek out other spiritual paths such as Buddhism (check out Refuge Recovery).

Our recovery is our own. But yet we share it with others through building positive supportive relationships. My own recovery is the use of NA and church. It's what works for me. As long as we are progressing and working on ourselves then we must be doing something right. Staying stagnate isn't the answer. Eventually we will start to stink (think about water with no current that just sits there, nothing feeds into it so it grows pond scum and turns all green and icky). To recover, in my opinion, means to grow or to heal, which means we get better, not worse.

Feel free to reach out if you have any thoughts.

[livinginsobriety]

How are you doing

I dont know when you sent a message and if it was a while ago I'm sorry. I'm doing great and adjusting to career change and educational changes. How are you??

[livinginsobriety]

I'm alive guys

If anyone remembers my blog, I know I disappeared. I've been clean since my last post. In fact, I'll have 4 years in January. So much has changed in the past I dont know how long. I'm a counselor intern at a methadone clinic. I love it. My son is now 3. I'm still active in my NA meetings. Oh, I also dropped out of my MSW program to pursue nursing because why not?

All this changed happened within the past couple months and it has been an awesome ride. I left the job at the detox for a handful of reasons, and though I enjoyed my coworkers, I needed something closer to home. This is when a brand new opportunity arose. Medicated Assisted Treatment. It is something that I never considered. I never assumed there was one way to get clean. This opportunity showed me that it works for some people and not for others. I see brokenness in a different population but I also see growth in this population. I learned to appreciate my own recovery even more.

I dont have much to say as it is late and I have to be awake for work in 6 hours. I am making it a point to post something once or twice a week. Shoot me a message with any questions or topics!

[livinginsobriety]

Being comfortable with being uncomfortable

So being uncomfortable can be the scariest thing to a lot of people or maybe just for me. I'm on vacation and I'm alone which is uncomfortable but in okay with it because in just enjoying my time in Virginia. So I made it a point to have the meetings I'm going to attend picked out before hand so that I knew my schedule for the few days I'm here. So tonight was meeting number 1. I almost talked myself out of going but then told myself that I need it and it would be cool to see a meeting out of state. Then when I'm getting closer a part of me is thinking "maybe the meeting is no longer there and I can go back to the hotel". Alas, the meeting was there and I walked in and sat down. I raised my hand when asked if anyone is visiting and introduced myself. At the end of the meeting I had no valid reason to have been afraid to go to a new meeting. I even raised my hand and shared with a bunch of strangers and let me tell you that now l, 4 hours later, I feel like I'm on a small spiritual high as people shared their hope and strength. I was able to share my hope to those there too. Being uncomfortable had a positive ending.

Recovery can happen wherever you are, you just gotta take the time to look. Remember, willingness is a big part of the program as well as allowing for growth by allowing ourselves to be uncomfortable.

[livinginsobriety]

Fear of Recovery

My job has me busy. I'm constantly meeting new people who are either beginning their recovery journey for the first time or 20th time. One common factor I typically see is fear; fear of the unknown, fear of feeling emotions again, fear of facing life, fear of dealing with trauma, fear of dealing with resentments...etc. The list does go on.

Taking the step to begin the recovery journey is often a difficult one no matter how many attempts there are. It takes strength and courage to admit that you need help. It's a big step but it is the most freeing step (in my opinion). Once I accepted that treatment was needed and i should follow direction from people who have been through active addiction then and only then did I truly surrender and give myself a chance that I DID and DO deserve.

If you're struggling with the decision to go to treatment or just make a change in general tell yourself that you are worth it and that through determination and surrender recovery is possible. Accept that people who work in treatment are there to help not harm. Accept that recovery is a lifelong thing. But also keep in mind that though it is life long, we take it ONE DAY AT A TIME. I love you all. :)

[livinginsobriety]

What happens when life goes good?

So I know it has been a couple months since I posted. I like to make sure I post meaningful things not just words to fill up a page.

So right now my life is phenomenal. In working as an intake coordinator at the same detox I was working as a behavioral health tech. I work with amazing people too and I surprisingly love my job. I won a grant for school which I'm ecstatic about. Everything in life is going absolutely great. Now what's that phrase, what goes up, must come down. It would be amazing if life just stayed on the good and the bad never happened. Unfortunately that is not how recovery works. I know that though things are going great now, that I may have a bad day coming up. I'm not saying that I need to just focus on this idea that soon life will be back to stress and something going wrong. I'm saying that I need to be prepared for anything. I cant think that I dont need my recovery because life is great. I cant decide that I dont need to go to meetings or talk to my sponsor just because in happy and everything keeps getting better. In fact, I've heard of plenty people relapsing because they are either complacent, celebrating that life is going great, or using because the had happened and they couldn't cope. When I say they, I really mean me. I found myself not having or practicing coping skills for when life was going bad or was going too good or was just staying pretty neutral.

From my experience, having and using coping skills such as calling someone who is in recovery whether it is my sponsor or another female or going for a run or even just journaling, has made dealing with life a bit easier. I tell my sponsor everything from the good to the bad. I allow myself to sit through whatever emotion and I try my best to find the root of that emotion (usually I do this if it's a negative emotion or one I'm uncomfortable with). It's easy to get caught up in the highs and lows of life and it's easy to use over them. What takes practice is changing those behaviors. It takes a conscious effort to not go use when something happens that we would typically use over.

Practice coping skills. Be realistic about life. Stay positive and stay focused. Recovery is possible just take it one day at a time.

[livinginsobriety]

Back in January I had the amazing opportunity to share my story on a local TV show. It finally aired today. Life is awesome.

[livinginsobriety]

Overnight thoughts

I work overnights at a detox center and it is exhausting. I have a hard time adjusting to this new schedule but it does give me time to think about my life. I'm thankful for where I'm at today no matter how tough it is. I learned through this job experience that I never want to be on the other side again. It keeps me I'm check. Gratefulness is key. Stay grateful.

[livinginsobriety]

When life happens...what do you do?

I know it has been a long time since I have made a post. I have many excuses that can be thrown into why such as work, child, school, etc. Exciting news is that I am now working at a detox center. My first job in the field and I am probably more excited than I should be despite the warnings from other people in the field and in recovery. It's a draining job I'm sure, but it seems to also be a fulfilling job. I was sitting at training today (our facility is not yet open) and I was thinking about the many blessings that I have in life. 2018 has started out fantastic. I got a job within the first couple weeks of the new year when I wasn't even looking for work. I'm almost done my CADC classes (May is graduation) and I graduated with my bachelor's in January. It's easy to get caught up in all the awesomeness that is life right now, but I can't let myself do that. Life has it's ups, its downs, and its straight lines. Things may be going great for me right now, but there are things internally that I'm dealing with. Stress from uncertainty of the opening of the facility (my work hours are nuts and childcare is expensive), I'm having a hard time communicating what I want (I spent all night arguing with myself over whether I should stay home and babysit or go to work), resentments have surfaced, depression is still there from all this change. So much goes on internally that I can't ignore it and be okay. I learned that in order to keep moving forward in my recovery I need to get honest with myself. I need to be able to communicate how I feel. It goes without saying that I need to be mindful of how I treat other people. Things may be looking great for them, but I don't know what is going on internally. Just like the saying goes, don't judge a book by its cover.

It's also easy to forget about prioritizing meetings or sponsor phone calls when life gets busy. I had made a routine solely for this purpose, but now my routine needs to change because of work and school and I can tell you that I am doing a terrible job and this new routine. I find it easier to justify not going to a meeting because I'm not used to going on certain nights. So what have I been doing? Going to those meetings even though I may be exhausted from work and even though I'm not used to going to these meetings. Recovery must come first and I found that having a routine for me to follow has made it a whole lot easier. It keeps me accountable to myself and other people know that if I don't show to those meetings that something's up. Stay connected with your support system no matter how busy life gets.

[powerless-over-alcohol-deactiva]

You are always doing things for other people. That’s why you drink. You drink because ultimately you don’t care what you do to your mind and your body. But honey, you need to start caring.

My therapist at last week’s session. (via powerless-over-alcohol)

[livinginsobriety]

Recovery is worth it!

Recovery is worth it!

So I’m super excited today. I just participated in the 2018 graduation ceremony at Wilmington University. I hold a Bachelors of Science in Behavioral Science. I’m starting my MSW in the fall. It’s amazing what recovery does. You may be wondering why it’s such a big deal. I get it people my age sometimes already have a Masters degree and a career. Well my path is different. I’m an addict in recovery. I made poor choices. I was homeless for a while. I’m a single mother and I now have a home with my family and a full time job while going to school. So from what addiction has done in my life and to my family I am extremely grateful to be clean and in recovery today. Life is a blessing. Give recovery a chance. I never thought I’d be where I am today.

[livinginsobriety]

2 whole years....but who's counting?

So I celebrated 2 years clean on the 9th of January. The day before that I had gotten a job offer to work in detox. Man. I've been on an emotional roller coaster from being happy to crying to anxious to depressed. I haven't been away from Kai like ever. I've been with him every day for about 19 months so how do I part from his side? I'll be working night shift so it will take some adjusting. I'm just telling myself that at least I'll only be gone while he sleeps. But even that made me sad. It is difficult leaving your child's side. It's difficult experiencing change when things have been the same for so long.

Change is a part of life. It is a part of living life on its own terms. Do I need the job? Yes not only for the money but for my intern hours. Can I handle it? I certainly hope I can. I'd like to say hey God won't give me more than I can handle and I'm sure he won't, but I also believe that this job could he overwhelming and my higher power that I call God is testing to see how I handle making tough decisions. I have no idea how I will handle this new change in my life. It's easy to want things to stay the same when you're content and comfortable. Recovery isn't about staying comfortable. It's about moving forward and becoming a better person while helping another addict. When change comes embrace it. It's normal to feel some anxiety and some depression. Don't run from the change but talk about it. Call your sponsor, share in a meeting, talk to your network.

[livinginsobriety]

Merry Christmas everyone!!

I hope you all enjoyed your day substance free❤

I can say that I'm very blessed to have the life I have. Watching my little toddler excited to play with his new toys made me the happiest momma in the world.

Recovery is a beautiful thing!

[livinginsobriety]

I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your journey. I'm not an addict but your stories are inspiring to me. My ex boyfriend was a drug user and it ruined our relationship. We ended on bad terms and I haven't been able to forget about what he did or fully forgive him, but I've been trying. Every time I think about him I think the next time I see him will be in the online news for an OD. Your posts give me hope that he can be clean again, for real this time. Thank you for the hope you give me

I'm so glad that they help. I can't imagine how hard it was to watch. There's hope for him. Thank you! I'm just here to help someone but it also all helps me

[thedevilinmyeyes]

Being human in recovery

So long story short, someone who I considered a friend was acting like a child (he’s a lot older than me) and tried to fight another guy over a girl they were both sleeping with and it happened twice. The first was outside of a meeting where I firmly told him how immature that was and embarrassing for everyone else to watch. I told him I understand that we’re human but it doesn’t excuse poor choices. I told him to get honest with himself and the part he played in the situation and to leave the situation alone for a bit. But then two days later when we all went out to eat after the meeting like we always do Tuesday night he got into a fight with the same person. That’s when I completely cut him off. The group of us are all banned because of their actions.

We are human. We make mistakes but we no longer have to continue to make the same mistake. We are bound to mess up but what’s important is how we handle it when we do. The same guy shared that he needs to not act on his emotion but think before he does something during the meeting Tuesday just to fight out of his pride and anger. When words become empty then I look at whether they should be a part of my circle. Do I want to associate with someone who can’t take responsibility for their actions? Do I want to be around people who aren’t trying to get better but rather make excuses for everything they do? No. I want to be around people who are supportive and encouraging. Someone working a strong program. Someone who isn’t afraid to be honest with me about anything. There is no such thing as a perfect recovering addict but there is such thing as someone who is moving forward in recovery and working at becoming a better person.

Watch who you hang around with. Are those people positive people? Are they there to help you in your recovery or are they just as immature as they were when they were using? I pick who I hang around with based off the character of the person. I can see that the way they live reflects the program we work. If someone is making the same mistake over and over again and doing nothing to change then is that really what you want around you?

Again, understand that we are all human and make mistakes. I’m Not saying that we should cut off every person that makes a mistake. I’m saying that if their lives aren’t reflecting anything positive then maybe it’s time to reconsider who you keep in your close circle of friends.

[livinginsobriety]

Shortcomings

Let’s get real here, we all have shortcomings. We all have things that are our strengths as well. Yesterday I went to a meeting and I shared in relationships. I realized that my shortcomings most definitely is patience and reacting on emotions. For the most part I have worked on not acting out on my emotions, but that’s only when I’m angry. When it comes to a couple of my friends I can get very annoyed easily with them. When I get annoyed like that I tend to ignore them which isn’t the best thing to do. I’ve thought about just not being friends with the two that I have a short tolerance for but that would in reality be a bit selfish. What I’m trying to say is that shortcomings aren’t always easy to master. Sometimes it seems impossible. We’re never going to be perfect but don’t let that stop you from continually working at bettering yourself each day. Being aware of our shortcomings is important in our recovery. Being aware means that we are now responsible for working on those shortcomings rather than justifying that we’re just human when we mess up. And remember we only have control of ourselves and our actions and reactions. I can’t justify my rudeness to someone else because of my opinion of them.

Don’t justify your shortcomings, work on them.