This is a post I might read to a few of my clients. I’ll definitely read it in the Transgender therapy group I facilitate.
Gender dysphoria, to me, almost felt spiritual. Like my soul was burning away with the shame and guilt of merely existing in such a deviant, wrong state. I kept trying to make up for it, or dissociate away from it, or pray to God for forgiveness for a sin I couldn’t name.
Honestly, I felt like I had lived past my expiration date, that I had to give people everything they wanted, that I could never be good enough to get away from it all. I didn’t think I’d make it past 30. I was barely gonna make it past 25 tbh.
Then I did the most selfish thing I’ve ever done and I saved myself, first by coming out and then by asking for so much help. I needed help to pay for FFS, I needed help with pronouns and a name, I needed help and support with starting HRT and learning how to dress like I was born in a hospital and not in a paper bag. I needed to learn to eat and dress and clean up after myself like I cared about *me,* instead of trying to avoid disappointing others. I asked for advice from trans people, I asked for support from my family and friends, I asked for ideas from store employees, I had to talk to professors about my identity and asked them for support in calling me by my new name and pronouns in classes, I had to remake myself.
It was all worth it. Yesterday I woke up from bottom surgery covered by insurance. I have 6 weeks of FMLA because I asked my boss for help and he gave me the number of the person who manages FMLA requests. I’m being cared for by my beautiful, patient, generous wife ( @cintailed ) and I’ve accepted financial, physical, and emotional support from others. I am so glad I made it, so lucky I found the words, so grateful I had the support I needed.
Asking for help can be so scary, especially when it feels as if you were born with burning shame coursing through your blood. But please do it! Learn how! Start with small things, practice therapy skills like decision, acceptance, and cognitive reframing, and allow others to be a part of you, allow their kindness to become a part of your soul. If you water the seeds of kindness planted by others enough, eventually you can even be kind to yourself.
I love y’all, I’m sorry if this is rambly and nonsensical as I am fairly heavily sedated atm, but I love y’all. I love this community. Please be kinder to yourselves, be kinder to each other, and remember that you cannot dehumanize yourself without (at least partially) dehumanizing others around you. Read more Terry Pratchett, be gayer, take your meds, and for the love of God let others be kind to you. In a world where so many opportunities for kindness are hidden behind paywalls and time constraints, the opportunity to give reciprocal (but not transactional) acts of kindness between friends and family is a gift.
gummygunk
dailybridgerton
theartofmadeline
turnnoffyourmind
jacobvanloon
