entirely bonkers

PHILIPPIANS 4:13

[lizmarcellano-blog]

Turning Points

It really is crazy how much a year can do to you. I must say a lot of things that happened in my life this year has affected me deeply as a person. Looking back, there were times when I’d pause and think, “It can only get better from here.” then there were those where I’d just tell myself, “Could things get any worse?”. It’s just...crazy.

I’ve been living away from home for over a year now. Though it was difficult at first, I knew I was going to pull through and I believe I am. But it hasn’t been easy. There are times where the bed I come home to after work can’t give me comfort like home does. Sometimes, I search for familiar faces around me only to find strangers who bewilder me. I crave for places, for spaces I can move freely in. I yearn for the warmth of my family in people who might only be temporary. It will never be easy.

But I’m not complaining, because there are people who make every step I take in this difficult journey worthwhile. Over time, I’ve learned to understand that home truly is an intangible place, they’re tangible feelings; the warmth I get from people who overwhelm me with love when my heart feels crucially cold, the peace and comfort unfamiliar places places provide, or the safety and security from simply being engulfed in somebody’s arms.

This year, I must say I finally mustered the courage to cut toxic people off my life. Even so, I’m still blessed enough to have a few who stick with me through just anything. I’m already very grateful for having people in my life I can be truly myself with. I’m home...enough to have people who cheer me on with my strengths and accept my weaknesses. These people understand why I get restless in a sea of people, what keeps me up at night, what littlest things put a smile on my face...or immediately change my mood. And they don’t take advantage of that. Honestly, that’s all I really need.

I am home because I carry the love of my family with me every day in every place I go. Within me are the values I’ve grown to give high importance of since I was young. I carry these principles and have learned how to respect others’ because I know my parents raised me well. I’ve become a woman of words and integrity, this is who I plan to be in this lifetime, even the next.

In my field of work, I find home in places where I meet people from various countries and learn things that help me grow as a person. This job truly is a test of patience, and I must say flying for almost a year already has definitely made the once short-tempered girl a lot more patient and composed than she’s ever been in her life. Working with people of different nationalities and upbringing has taught me more about the significance of respect and open-mindedness. Above anything, I’m grateful to have come this far, pursuing a career I was only dreaming of before.

One of the biggest risks I took this year was to finally entrust my heart to a man, and I’ve never done that before, ever. And to say it’s as easy as mumbling the words, “I love you too”, is definitely a lie. For years, I’ve learned to stand my ground, alone, unapologetic and unbothered. I’ve come to embrace the freedom of enjoying myself, learning and discovering my strengths and weaknesses, and simply embracing life. Then he came. And he’s this amazing man, almost the exact opposite of the good ol’ me. He’s outgoing and adventurous, and I’m an introvert who’d rather cuddle with a book in a corner, away from the eyes of people. It all came to a point where our differences got the best of me. It almost seemed like I was questioning my worth even if I knew it all along, like I knew I’m worthy of a real man, but not him, not when he’s this wonderful. He could have chosen anybody else, yet why me?

Now, I know questioning my value as a woman and as a partner isn’t really a sign of a healthy relationship, but God, do I love him more than anything else in this world. Because while I’ve been struggling with my own battles, he’d endlessly and patiently remind me just how much he loves me. He’d say the same words, emphasizing them even if he’d said it over and over before. More than anything, he respects my past traumatic experiences and understands why I have extreme trust issues. I honestly have never met anyone as patient and understanding as this man. Even if the distance between us is also making it difficult for us to build a strong foundation for this relationship, I believe we’ll get there eventually, and we’ll keep going. Because this man tries to be the best person he can be for me, for us, and I just know I’m willing to fight my own battles to grow for the both of us as well. My boyfriend, life partner and best friend loves me for who I am. And I just know I’m home to the two arms that embrace the entirety of me.

Talking about my relationship did get pretty lengthy like I expected, but that’s only because it was what affected me most this year. I’ve been so used to doing things on my own, I worked my way up the skies and am humbly living this life-long dream. But I never expected life to be a bit more personal and make me go through something that hits every emotional DNA in me. This surely takes a lot of getting used to. Almost six months into our relationship and I’m still not used to it! I’m glad my boyfriend never pressures me into anything and has been my constant reminder that things will eventually be alright. And I believe so, too.

Beyond anything, through all these highs and lows, I’ve become wiser, braver and stronger. I am pulling through because I know He got me. No matter how messy life gets, one way or another, He would always be there to give me strength to keep going. It is because of Him that I have the courage to learn through my experiences and grow as a woman. I am grateful for simply living, greatly blessed to be reminded every day of my life that home is where I put my heart into.

In 2018, all I really want to do is to keep learning and growing, not for anyone, but for myself. I will continue to have so much hope for the world, even when some people don’t see it anymore. I’ll keep fighting and rooting for love, no matter how much hatred seizes to exist. And I sincerely hope this is what every person out there realizes too.

I’m letting go of the unwanted thoughts inside my head, loosening my grip on things I have no control over. I believe that things are gonna be better for me, not because of some kind of fate, but because I choose to live through His words, that I can do anything through Him who strengthens me.

All there is left to say now is...2018, I am ready for you.

[lizmarcellano-blog]

Frankly, I never expected my 23rd year to be a very eventful one. Looking back, I used to be in an unimaginable kind of slump, stressing over whether I was ever worthy of my dreams or if I'd ever reach the goals I set for myself. Around me were condescending people who I thought were friends, and subtle words of discouragement—, a ridiculous amount of negativity, it seemed. But I didn't falter. My family has been my greatest source of unwavering perseverance, and to Him I've always owed my strength. We must always remember why we started, they said. And it is because of them that I started to dream, that I started to move, and they will always be the reason for me to keep moving forward. This time last year, I swept aside the usual birthday norms and grabbed the biggest opportunity I considered the greatest birthday present He has blessed me instead. People may call it a coincidence, but I must say otherwise. I thought this was it. It was the beginning of the greater things the future had in store for me. And even if things were still uncertain, I kept praying. I was claiming it. Because I knew through Him, I could do anything. While I've always reminded myself to keep my feet on the ground and my head low under His grace, if there's just one thing I want to commend myself for, it's that: I am very glad I never gave up. For here I am living the dream I thought was out of my reach, going places I never thought I'd step my feet on, meeting people I didn't think I'd create so many beautiful memories with, and entrusting my heart to a man I never expected to believe I'm ever worthy. I consider myself immensely blessed for the life that He has given me. Though not perfect, there will be no regrets. There are only learnings that help me grow and these are things I will carry with me through the years. Through highs where my mind is at peace, and lows where my heart feels heavy, I will keep going. And as I always say, I'll remain humbled and grateful through and through!

[lizmarcellano-blog]

Be still, my heart.

The daylight came into view, but the usual sun rays didn't come streaking past the window blinds. All there was were the drizzles of rain that fell like delicate punches against my heart. I guess there is just a plethora of emotions this heart can grasp the same way the seasons in this world change. And I find great consolation knowing soon enough, it could be summer again.

[lizmarcellano-blog]

Perspective

During training, our instructors would always remind us about the importance of perspective. That, in life, you may not be able to change people, but we are given the ability to choose how we handle them. It is not letting any sort of negativity get to us, but finding positivity and solace in this seemingly chaotic world. Though this is something I've already figured out before, this is one thing I remind myself over and over, and one thing I learn in life through and through.

[lizmarcellano-blog]

‪I fell in love with words‬ ‪As easy as my heart spoke them loud‬ ‪Yet almost too distant‬ ‪And as hard as my mind managed to pull it together.

[lizmarcellano-blog]

A Dream Conquered

Until this very moment, it all still seems surreal how I was actually able to pass the final interview for my dream job despite it being my first time. From the crucial screening to the bloody final interview, I was able to confirm myself that this job truly isn't a joke— a joke just like how people deem it to be. Sinomang nagsabi na madali lang maging flight attendant, halika. Usap tayo. The entire process made me love and appreciate my degree and my career even more than I already do. I've gained more respect and high regards to the people who work for the travel industry. Kung alam niyo lang. Kung alam niyo lang talaga. Even so, this isn't a post for the people who choose to look down on this career. This is for the people who CHOOSE this career. To be honest, I still have a long way to go. Today, I had my medical exam and have yet to wait for three more days to know the results. Requirements have yet to be accomplished and compiled. Marami pa. Kumbaga, hindi pa sigurado kung makakaalis. But I'm already beyond grateful for already having come this far. And there's this voice at the back of my head that tells me I need to share my blessings to people. Although, I'm just me. If you're reading this right now, please do know that I genuinely appreciate it. And I'd be even more grateful if you actually finish doing so. :) There are actually a lot of things I want to say. I'm not gonna say "first," because that's cliche as heck and ordinals are part of Maths. And I hate Maths. So let me just go straight to the point. I've always had my eye on this job since I started College. This has always been what I wanted to do. But getting here was not easy. There have been many opportunities that fell and slipped through my fingers. When I was around 11-13 years old, I came through a quote saying, "You can't go anywhere with a negative mindset". It was one of the phrases I've grown a deep relationship with, along with "Love God above all things." That said, I learned how to look at "the bright side of things" at such an early age and grew up an optimist. Growing up, I've learned how to develop my strengths and overcome my weaknesses. I've become more open minded to mistakes and failures and took them as tools for me to grow. I started to believe in myself and the things that I can do. However, I'm a person who has fears as well. A fear of not being good enough. A fear of disappointing herself and the people she loves. A fear of failing. Name it. And the reasons I pulled through? I have people around me who believe in me. People who remind me to always believe in myself. And most importantly, I have Him. And over time, this became a dream that I wanted to reach not only for me, but for these people as well. So, I started believing in myself more. That I can do it. That I will do it. That I'll make it eventually. Because I believe in me. "If nobody believes in me enough, then who would?", if you must say? I have the answer to that as well: YOU. If you're reading this right now, I want to remind you that you ARE capable of greatness. You are capable of being somebody. There will always be that evil voice inside your head that will tell you otherwise. There will always be people who are gonna try to drag you to the mud with them. But you can't let them. And I believe that the more you BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, the more you're able to discover more of what you're actually capable to do. It is then that you start to pull yourself out of your comfort zone and push through the walls you initially built around you. I realized life is a continuous HARDWORK. May it be getting to your goals or just simply making it through the next light of day. We all have to MOVE and the thing is we mustn't stop. No matter how difficult life gets. No matter how hopeless the future seems. If we just keep going while we set our eyes to the things we want to achieve in the future, we'll get there eventually. The important thing is to NEVER GIVE UP. TAKE RISKS. No matter how scary. You won't know whether your very first homemade spaghetti carbonara is good or bad until you actually taste it. (Sorry. Gutom kasi.) When I saw this opportunity on the internet, as much as I was willing to take it, I had this worry of me going too fast and the fear of failing in the end. But I knew I won't know if I won't try. I think it's better to fail knowing you tried than failing because you didn't try at all. As much as failures can disappoint you, you must take these as learning experiences to be better in the future. And what do you do next? You get back up and keep moving forward. Just DO IT. CLAIM IT. Because if you believe in yourself and work hard for it, you can. NEVER STOP LEARNING. For it is how you grow. And always keep your feet on the ground. It's okay to be proud, but never arrogant. Share your blessings instead. PRAY. Because He'll always listen. ALWAYS. And His love will never fail you. Overall, the bottomline is: I made it (Well, almost. But I will!) and so can you. Note: This is a very late post as I've been having errors loading my Tumblr blog lately! ><

[lizmarcellano-blog]

Recurring.

It's somehow sad to remember things you were fascinated to before but aren't anymore. You get stuck in the moment thinking what changed or what went wrong. Just...what happened, really. But truthfully, all it does is give recurring concerns, doubts and fears. And honestly, all you have to do is look at how you are now, how strong you've been and how much you've grown. Certainly, some things are better off your life. If any, they truly weren't meant to be there in the first place. Even so, you're grateful. You're grateful because it all made you the strong person you are today.

[lizmarcellano-blog]

160926. Being 22. Life is truly a plethora of twists and turns, good times and hard times, misses and hits, etc. The past year wasn't really all that eventful for me. I guess? Well, for one, I graduated which is one of my most memorable achievements by far. I had the chance to attend a concert of one of my favorite idol groups where I was able to meet some really wonderful friends that I made online. Good memories. Really, really good memories. Even so, I think the highlight of the past year for me was taking that next step after I finished College. Job hunting. I couldn't even begin to describe how much a crazy ride it has been. Back then, I was so sure of what I want to do, of who I want to be. But as they say...when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Or should you? Still, life has a way of surprising you. Sure, I heard and read countless times that finding a job isn't easy. But I guess it's true that you never fully understand until you're actually put in the situation. And surely, when I started looking for a job, I felt like a person who was exposed into the real world for the very first time of her existence. There were so many opportunities, and, at the same time, opportunities I wished then existed. It was all overwhelming how these chances overlapped that I let a lot of them slip through my fingers. And I mean...a lot. At some point, I was in a phase where I felt nothing but terrible, almost depressed, even. Not to mention, I witnessed my Mom cry over a fear for a sickness that got me so scared that I had to halt some plans and stay home to look after her and be with my family as well. And in the midst of it all, a lot of these plans changed like a gush of wind as well. I also lost a loved one. What a mess. God, I was a mess. But here's the thing: I pulled through. No matter how difficult, I pulled through. And the most important part was...I kept going. I still am. Although, I know I didn't do it alone. I couldn't have gone through it all if it weren't for the people that encourage me to keep going. Most importantly, my family. My family who believes in me possibly more than anyone else in this world. I have always felt an immense gratefulness to have parents who, instead of imposing pressure on me, understands me above anything and believes in my capabilities, to have sisters who I may bicker with around a lot, but encourage me in their own simple and sweet ways. It has always been the biggest blessing to have a family who may not be wealthy like the others out there, but is beyond blessed by His grace to simply be together bound by love. And of course, I don't only mean my parents and siblings. I have really, really wonderful relatives who have been nothing but beyond kind to me. I also could never forget my friends, these silly people who truly know me inside out and still embrace me as I am. It is truly by His grace that I am surrounded by people who also include me in their prayers. Above all, Him. By far, this is one uneventful yet a very memorable year for me. It's one of the hardest, but it's definitely one where I have an unimaginable amount of things to be thankful for. It is amazing how despite how difficult life could be, He still gives me so many reasons to be thankful for. I guess that's something I wish more people would realize: to always count our blessings, no matter how big or small. Another is to share these blessings to make them count. So, I guess that's why I wrote this. In exchange of all the love that I received today, I wanted to give back as well. Although I'm just me, I still wanted to use my voice and impart an important message to people reading this: Through Him, all things are possible. And just keep going. I'm not there yet, but I'll get there. It's something I only used to think I knew before, but now I believe.

[lizmarcellano-blog]

LAICA TURNS 18!

To the craziest person in the family, my partner in crime, and the prettiest among the Tres Marias: Happy Birthday, Laica!

Time surely flew so fast. I still remember when she would cry and throw ridiculous tantrums whenever our parents would leave her at home when she was a kid. Oh dear, was she a crybaby? She definitely was! She was the Most Behaved pupil in their class for all of her grade school years, and we’d always find it weird because she was really loud at home. I remember pushing her when we were playing at the front porch when we were kids, and she got a cut on her upper lip. (It was terrible, don’t even ask. Oh and I was a child. Please pardon me.) I also remember when we used to pull our hair out—Another terrible thing, I know, when we had fights back in the years.

It was all crazy, really. We were that kind of siblings.

But I must say, that kid totally grew into someone…even louder. I don’t even know where to begin. It so happened that she turned out to be the most talkative among us girls; the one who cracks jokes whenever she can and gets a breathing problem while laughing; the one who takes advantage of every chance she gets to tease our youngest sister which always ends up with the latter being incredibly pissed; the one who turns silent when our parents scold her but softens up in the speed of light like they never got mad at her in the first place; the one who (still) has pakialamera problems that always make me lose my chill but she still keeps doing it /rolls eyes/; the one who always tell us what she’ll do when she wins the lottery (She said she’d get the roads tiled up. Never trust her.); I honestly could go on and on about this.

But if there’s anything I am truly proud and grateful to her for, it is that she grew up as a huge dreamer with a lot of positivity. I will always remember when I was almost reaching my breaking point, and she ever so positively said, “Ate, huwag ka mag-alala. Magkakatrabaho ka rin!” (“Don’t worry! You’ll find a job soon!”). I was then reminded how blessed I am to have a family who believe in me without failure.

My sister is not perfect. She may put up a huge smile on her face a lot of times, but I believe that sometimes, the happiest people do keep the most problems to themselves. I will never forget those nights when I’d hear her cry from her room, and until now, I don’t know why. I had the courage to ask her once but she just shrugged it off. I guess by now, you could tell I’m not really the best sister, either. But I love my sisters. I love her. And I always perpetually worry for their sake, more than I do so for myself. Even though we almost always fool around and never have serious conversations, I always remind myself to guide them with the subtlest pieces of advice I could find. And I’m ever so grateful to have parents that always remind us that: Even if the entire world turns its back on us, we’d always have our family. Hence, as the eldest sister to my siblings, I slowly yet surely impart to them what I’ve learned throughout the years. Although, I know I have yet to experience more. I don’t ever want them do the same mistakes I did before. I’ve learned and now, I have to impart these learnings to them as well.

Therefore, I hope, in the future, we’d be able to rely more on one another. Because we’ll always have us.

Laica, you’ll always have me. As you turn from a girl into a lady, you’ll slowly realize your responsibilities not only as a part of this family, but as His child. I believe in you. Happy Birthday. Love ka ni Ate. ❤️

[lizmarcellano-blog]

How grateful I am that He blessed us the clear skies today. I know Lolo's safe and sound with Him now.

[lizmarcellano-blog]

Change has truly come! The last time I sported short hair was during my early grade school years. It had been difficult to manage my long hair lately and the scorching heat and terrible humidity definitely were not helping. Also, I had been eyeing celebrities who are totally rocking short hair in such a long time. It had always made me ponder if I could actually slay it the way these glam people do. Especially since my face has matured a lot, and I have extremely strong facial features! At the same time, I was also scared, afraid that it wouldn't suit me and whatnot. But! I realized contemplating it for months already must had been a sign that I should actually do it. And for once, I felt brave. So, it happened. And I feel like a completely different person. Although I agree that I look a lot more like my Mom this time (take note the fringe!), I actually feel more like a woman. Somehow. And though I'm still trying to figure out how to manage the short hair (plus the fringe, never forget the fringe), I'm definitely excited to take a stroll around sporting this new look!

[lizmarcellano-blog]

Walking away.

I’m never one who allows people in my life so easily. While I’m normally never the best in approaching people, I always have been aware that I must be able to, well, deal with people, at least. I realized over the years that it truly is important to be able to deal with people to the very least despite each other’s differences or no matter how much we don’t want to, but here’s the catch: We don’t necessarily have to associate our selves with them. However, it is by taking the given opportunity to be with these people that we eventually establish friendships, ties, connections, a social circle, etc. Hence why as much as I’m not the best social butterfly, I’ve always believed that we cannot really judge a person until we slowly but surely get to know them.

Even so, there are people who do not really turn out to be the ones we expected them to be. People we realize were never really worth our time all this while. People who may have given us their sweetest smiles but turned out to have evil intentions at the back of their minds. People who put up a curious face to get to know us only to weigh us down without our knowledge. People who just…ruin our peace of mind, step on our self-worth, and mess our self-respect.

So how do we deal with them? How do I deal with them?

Over time, it reached a point where I never give walking away from people who aren’t worth it a second thought anymore.

It could be difficult at first, but in the end, it makes me realize how strong I actually was. It’s the good kind of pain. The kind that hits hard but leaves a lingering comfort.

Sometimes, we don’t realize how strong we are until we actually stand up for our selves.

[lizmarcellano-blog]

Waking mornings.

I find solace in the fact that every waking morning is another chance of hope, another chance of change. This along with the possibility that what we have now may never face tomorrow's sunrise. Thus, we learn to never take things for granted.

[lizmarcellano-blog]

Immensely Grateful

To start blogging again has had its push and pull to me lately. A few months ago, I gleefully announced my comeback as a blogger but eventually only made two posts to this date. I guess life hasn’t really been that interesting to me lately.

Although, I have no complaints.

The past two months haven’t been all that good to me, but I also take comfort from the fact that I have people in my life, most especially my family, who never fail to understand and support me through and through. I remember almost breaking down in front of my Mom and my sister when a certain future plan has found its end. My sister comfortingly told me, “Ate, huwag ka mag-alala. Magkakatrabaho ka rin!” (“Don’t worry! You’ll find a job soon!”). I thought…God, I’m so blessed. As much as some people have nothing but their judging eyes on me, I am always reminded that I have my family who know me with the mere look in my eyes, who embrace my flaws and believe in my capabilities. We may not be like other families who indulge in the luxuries of life, but I wouldn’t exchange what I have now for the world.

Also, I know the future has something great in store for me.

I just know. And I believe.

[lizmarcellano-blog]

You're truly more than just a mother to me. You're the sister I never had, my #1 best friend, my pillar, my light, my queen and all things wonderful in this world. There's an endless list of things I want to thank you for. But above all, thank you for always believing in me, especially at times when I'm lacking the courage to do so myself. You keep me moving forward, striving and working hard for the goals I dream to achieve not only for me, but for our family. I'm always grateful, Ma. I love you always. Happy Mother's Day. ❤️ We're so adorable! ☺️ And Happy Mother's Day to all the amazing Moms out there!

[lizmarcellano-blog]

Back. After much contemplating, I've decided to rediscover Tumblr in its most recent form. And surely, it truly is a lot different in comparison to the way I remember it back in 2009. I officially left the site in 2011 when I couldn't seem to squeeze it into my routine considering I already entered College, and it all got too difficult for me to handle. Almost five years later, I've graduated from College, am already a Degree holder and am on my journey to better and larger things in life. Hah, you've missed out so much. All the joys, melancholies, frustrations and learnings . But here I am now, humbled and happy to tell you that I've learned and grown so much. I wouldn't particularly say that I am where I want to be, and I don't think I actually will do so. Because I'm still going. I will keep going. And over time, I hope you, whoever you are who's reading this, can accompany me throughout this long roller coaster ride. To better things. To dreams. To life. P.S. And I hope I get to update regularly, at least. Heh.