why do you gotta be egoista?

Maybe it was foolish of her to given Carmen a chance to explain any of this, because if she’d wanted to explain, if she’d wanted to make amends for her wrongdoings, it wouldn’t have taken her forty-five days to do so, right? She could hear Dani now, confirming all of this and more, and yet Sydney stayed and Sydney listened, because that’s what love was — staying and listening and communicating, and she was built to stand by her own words and her own convictions.

She loved Carmen, even now, and so she stayed and she listened, even if she wished she were doing so forty-five days earlier.

“I wanted everything to do with you.” Her words came out fractured, as though they were forced through a space that had tried to choke them down and suffocate them until they were nothing but whispers of things she shouldn’t have said. Sydney thought about the days she spent in bed after the other walked out, the tears she spilled over and over every time she thought of that night, and she decided to keep that to herself.

Instead, she shook her head and her fingers tightened around the handle of the car door. “I wasn’t flirting with Antonio… and if he was flirting with me, I didn’t notice.” Not when Carmen was right there, within arm’s reach, for the first time in forty-five days. “I am sorry about making you dump out the drink, though. I was upset and frustrated with you… but the Tom Collins looked really, really good.” She could feel the drinks she had consumed that night ticking at the back of her throat, the taste that was usually mingled with the other woman’s by now. Sneaking away to the back of the bar to press heated kisses against Carmen’s skin during her breaks had always been Sydney’s favorite part of going out with her station.

Finally, she clicked open the car door, only pulling her hand away when it was open to slide the other’s jacket from her arms. It was like peeling away the comfort of a worn blanket and she found herself craving it as soon as it was gone, but she held it out anyway. “I don’t want you to hold back, I never have… I spent a year begging you not to… but putting myself into it all again…” The begging, the smoothing things over, the cycle that seemed to never end. “I don’t know if I can do it…”

i wanted everything to do with you. something in her chest gave a violent lurch. carmen went completely rigid, a shaky breath catching in her lungs as the words settled over her. of all the things she expected to hear tonight, that hadn't even crossed her mind. "i didn't know that." the admission barely qualified as a sound, her voice reduced to a fragile whisper that dissolved into the evening breeze. and god, it hurt. it hurt knowing that all this time she could have reached out. that sydney would have met her with the same patience and understanding she always had. while carmen had spent forty-five days convincing herself silence was the safer choice, sydney had apparently never stopped wanting her there. the realization sat heavy in her chest. but then again, carmen had never been particularly good at making the right decisions when it mattered most. "i was really shitty to you..." her gaze dropped, unable to hold onto the other's for long. "i wouldn't blame you if you wanted nothing to do with me."

dark orbs tracked sydney's every movement, her feet shifting restlessly against the pavement. every instinct urged her closer, drawn to the familiar scent of vanilla and cedar that always seemed to linger on sydney's skin. but she'd already pushed her luck enough for one night. "i saw the way you looked at him." her grip tightened around the keys in her palm, the metal biting into her skin hard enough to leave crescents behind. a welcome distraction from the memory she couldn't seem to shake — sydney's soft, unguarded smile, the kind that had once been directed at her without hesitation. "the second i walked over, it was like...your whole demeanor changed." there was surprisingly no accusation in her voice. if anything, there was too much understanding. "i mean, i get it, i really do." a humorless laugh slipped free. "but that was the part that really fucking sucked the most." watching it happen. realizing she was no longer the person who could draw that from her. at the mention of liquor, her eyes rolled immediately. "i don't care about the stupid drink, syd." the words came out sharper than she intended, driven by something too raw to soften in time. her expression crumbled a second later. "i care about you."

the second the jacket slipped from the other's arms and into her hands, whatever fragile hope she'd been clinging to began to splinter. the leather felt heavier than it should have. her eyes burned as the realization settled deep in her bones: she could be saying goodbye to the best thing that ever happened to her tonight. her fingers tightened around the jacket, clutching it like it might somehow keep everything from slipping through them. "syd, i don't want to be that person anymore." it all broke from her tongue in a rush. before she could think better of it, she was already closing the distance between them, instinct overriding caution. every part of her knew she should stop, should respect the space sydney had carved out between them. but standing still felt too much like surrender. "i'm so sorry it took me this long to say any of this. i should've said it sooner. i know that." for once, she didn't care how painfully desperate she sounded. because she was desperate. "i swear, if you gave me a chance...this time would be different." her gaze locked onto sydney's, unwavering despite the tears threatening to spill over. "i want to be good for you."

Dani thinking fondly of Carmen was exactly the joke the other woman intended it to be. There was certainly no love lost between the two, despite her own protests otherwise. In a perfect world, the two would have gotten along without any argument — but in a perfect world, she wouldn’t be standing there, in front of brown eyes filled with tears and regret, wondering if her own gaze showed just how tired she was of this dance. “We can obviously do better than poison. You won’t even feel a thing.” Sydney offered a slight lift of her lips, an olive branch for the night. Maybe she didn’t know what Dani was going to do to either of them once she found out about how quickly the blonde may have caved to the other’s tears and apologies, but she definitely had no intention of committing any murder, especially when it came to Carmen.

“He’s smarter than you think, but just to be safe, I’ll make sure he and Dani stay far away from each other so no one gets any bright ideas about your inevitable doom.” Green hues followed the other’s movements, the backs of hands her thumbs have spent hours running against reassuringly, lovingly, wiping tear tracks from her damp cheeks. A breath fell from her lips, whispered in the darkness as the tension in the air dissipated a little more as each second passed.

Then a hand lifted between them, holding still in the empty air, and the alcohol Sydney had that night swirled uncomfortably in her stomach until the brunette’s words caught up with her thoughts. Keys. Right. “Oh.” She swallowed hard and dropped her gaze as she stuffed her own hand into the pocket of the leather jacket and pulled the keys out. The same keys she’d held in her hands so many times before felt foreign and cool in her palm and she hesitantly dropped them into Carmen’s, ignoring the way her skin caught on fire the second it brushed against the other’s. “Thanks. I…” Her words trailed off as she stuffed her hands back into the pockets of the jacket and moved toward the car she knew was Carmen’s (as though she could ever forget it). She paused when they made it, stilling by the door of the side that used to be hers, and faced the other. “Why did it take you forty-five days to say any of this to me? If you didn’t mean what you said before you walked out… why did this take so long?”

although carmen was grateful they could still fall back on humor, it did little to quiet the thoughts that continued to gnaw at her. in a perfect world, she would've given sydney every part of herself she'd spent so long holding back. maybe then there would've been room for the kind of friendship with dani that she knew sydney had always quietly hoped for. maybe carlos wouldn't have looked at her with that familiar disappointment. maybe none of this would've unraveled the way it had. but perfect worlds had never been carmen's specialty. instead, her pride got in the way. her fear got in the way. and now they were standing in the aftermath of it. "you guys really thought of everything, huh?" her gaze softened as she accepted the olive branch for what it was. just a smile. small, fleeting, probably insignificant to anyone else. to her, it felt like the whole world. "oh, how nice of you." the faintest trace of amusement touched her voice. "i think just to be safe, i'll be sleeping with one eye open."

then the warmth of sydney's fingertips brushed against her palm, and the contact hit her like a live wire. her heart lurched violently against her ribs. it was over almost as soon as it began — no lingering touch, no hesitation, just the briefest graze before it was gone again. somehow, that made it worse. the absence settled in immediately, nearly stealing the breath from her lungs. "you don't have to thank me." giving sydney a ride home was the least she could do. what came after was the part that terrified her. once she dropped her off, she had no idea when she'd see her again. tomorrow. next week. a month from now. not knowing left a hollow ache in her chest, one she promptly shoved aside for later. there would be plenty of time to spiral once she was alone. for now, she turned toward the car, falling into step beside sydney as her fingers curled around the keys in her hand. pathetic, really. all she could do was think about how badly she wished she were holding sydney's hand instead, or any other part of her she could reach. anything at all. some small point of contact to prove she was still there. but she wasn't nearly that lucky.

dark orbs dropped to the key fob, her thumb hovering uselessly over the buttons as the question lingered between them. sooner or later, she'd have to answer it. the truth was, she didn't particularly like the answer herself. realistically, she could have reached out. she should have. instead, everything she should've said came spilling out forty-five days too late. "i wanted to reach out. believe me, i thought about it a million times." carmen shifted, leaning against the side of the car as her fingers busied themselves with the keys, desperate for something to do besides reach for sydney. "and then i noticed you stopped showing up at the bar. i looked for you every time." the keys clicked softly beneath her touch. a nervous rhythm. a distraction from the thoughts threatening to outrun her. she couldn't begin to count the number of times her pulse had jumped at the sight of sydney's station walking through the door, only for her hopes to curdle into disappointment moments later.

"i thought maybe you didn't want anything to do with me, and honestly, i understood that." her jaw tightened. "i wanted to respect it. but i also don't think i trusted myself not to hurt you again." that was the uglier truth. even now, she was terrified of getting it wrong. terrified of saying the wrong thing, reaching too far, falling back into the same patterns that brought them here in the first place. but trying, even imperfectly, felt better than spending the rest of her life wondering if she could've been the person sydney deserved. "then you showed up tonight...and i saw you with antonio." something twisted painfully in her chest at the memory of him and his stupid bar tricks and the way he actually made sydney smile. "i couldn't just stand there and not say anything." her gaze drifted away for a moment before returning to sydney. "i'm so tired of holding back. all i've ever done is hold back."

She knew they weren't going to continue walking. Honestly, she should have expected it from the moment they melted back into each others vicinity, the sticky three feet of wooden bar top no longer between them. She wondered if she'd even be able to move her feet forward after this, however it ended, whatever it became, this moment frozen in time like her feet stayed frozen to the ground, unable to move away from Carmen or closer to Carmen or make her way home and lock herself and her simple heart away in her tiny yellow house forever. Girlfriend. Sydney almost wanted to laugh now and the thick noise that bubbled from her throat almost sounded like one, a stark contrast to the wet, hot tear still streaked and drying down her flushed cheek.

Every time she'd begged Carmen to admit they were something more, every hint she dropped with every single thing she did, every time her hopeful green hues would glance the other's way when someone called them that as they were out and about — and now Carmen relinquishes the word from her lips where it'd been held hostage for the year they'd known each other.

Sydney shook her head, the loose blonde strands that had escaped from her bun swaying as she did. "Oh, she does want to kill you... some of the ways are really creative, I do have to give her some points there. But that's... it's not what I meant." What she meant was the fact that Dani is going to absolutely murder her when she finds out that she's gone and let Carmen back in after everything. Carlos. She missed him. Or, missed him as much as she could considering he still texted her daily... but it wasn't the same without the other woman being there too. "He would... but I'm not going to let him do that." Sydney sniffed, blinking back the last few tears that threatened to fall as she offered the brunette a soft shrug. "His ways are far worse than Dani's, they're sloppy and probably going to land him on a watch list somewhere."

In the midst of her sentence, she felt the touch leave the thick leather on her arm, her gaze falling to Carmen's hands as they lifted, lingered, and then fell to her sides once more. A sharp breath fell from her mouth, a regretful sound of longing if someone listened close enough. The inside of her bottom lip was pulled between her teeth once more and she let the silence of their own frozen bubble roll over them. "Can you drive me home... please?"

carmen's brow quirked, allowing herself, if only barely, the smallest flicker of humor. she was acutely aware of dani's disdain for her. the woman wasn't exactly discreet about it. not that carmen blamed her. if anything, she was pretty sure dani had every right to hate her, and carmen wouldn't have a leg to stand on in the argument. "oh? is that so?" the corners of her mouth twitched faintly despite herself. "happy she still thinks so fondly of me." because even now with swollen eyes and her heart split open in front of sydney, there was still that familiar edge to her sarcasm. some habits died harder than others. she took a beat, forcing out one last uneven breath as she tried to gather herself back together. having a complete emotional collapse outside of work after hours hadn't exactly been part of the plan. "i know she means well. she's just looking out for you." and god, the thought of sydney's best friend seeing her as a threat to sydney's peace now — that hurt more than she wanted to unpack. "all things considered, let's just hope she doesn't convince you to white oleander me." another weak attempt at humor threading through the exhaustion in her voice.

a soft, damp sound, something dangerously close to a laugh, slipped from her throat. as much as it hurt to see how deeply sydney had woven herself into the small world she shared with her brother, another part of her felt quietly, almost painfully grateful for it. carmen had spent years building that little safe haven for herself and carlos, something small and guarded and entirely theirs. and somehow, somehow sydney had become someone she trusted enough to let inside it. well. hopefully, still. "you make a fair point. i do appreciate you having his best interest in mind." she brushed the last remnants of tears from her face with the backs of her hands, even as the urge to wipe away sydney's lingered stubbornly beneath her skin. "would hate to see him end up on some watch list because i'm a massive idiot, y'know?"

walking and talking seemed to be a lost art form on them. by now, they should've been halfway to the other's house — that little yellow place in the distance with the deeply unsettling lawn gnomes carmen swore she hated, yet grew attached to anyway. instead, they hadn't even managed to make it past the bar. at this rate, driving seemed like the more realistic option. maybe then they'd actually make it from point a to point b without stopping to unravel emotionally. "yeah...of course." she hesitated before extending her hand toward her, boots scuffing lightly against the pavement as she shifted her weight. "i believe you're currently holding my keys hostage." the joke came softer than usual. all she could do was hope it landed. hope maybe, just maybe, it'd earn her that small, sweet smile she'd missed far more than she wanted to admit.

It always was. The words felt like a kick to the chest, the air leaving her lungs in a lurch. She knew it always was, but to hear Carmen say it out loud? To hear her confirm it? Her lip quivered, her chin dimpled as she tried to keep the tears at bay because there was nothing good that was going to come from them both crying in front of the bar this late at night.

"And now you do?" Sydney couldn't help but wonder what changed, what was the other's motive to finally admit that what they had been doing for the last year, the push and the pull, the sharing a bed almost nightly and acts of service they gave, were exactly what a relationship was — and part of her couldn't help but wonder if this was another part of the same push and pull, something that was already successful in dragging the blonde back into Carmen's orbit since the moment the words fell from the woman's lips moments ago.

"I can't stop feeling that way — not about you, never about you. I... tried." She made herself suck in a breath and forced it into her lungs with the admission. Her try had been half an effort at best, much to Dani's chagrin, but after a few weeks of not hearing from Carmen, what was she supposed to do? She shook her head, her tongue darting out against her bottom lip, the remnants of the tear that'd dropped salty and startling mixed with the overwhelming scent of sweet coconut that drew closer. A noise bubbled from her throat as she felt the tentative grasp against her arm and she froze (because the alternative was immediately folding to the touch).

Green hues finally dropped to meet red-rimmed brown, glistening with her own unshed tears. "I just... see you. I wish you could see it too." Her voice was softened with their proximity and it only took seconds for her shoulders to drop and her body to relax in the grasp of the other. A sigh fell from her lips as her eyelids dropped closed, already envisioning how she suspected this was going to end, how she could feel it already ending in the pit of her stomach, even while her chest ached so hopefully. "Dani is really, really going to kill me."

admitting that what existed between them ran far deeper than anything they shared between the sheets was a feat. after a year of relentless denial, she couldn't blame sydney for questioning the sudden switch up. so when the question settled between them, carmen wasn't surprised. her red-rimmed eyes dropped from sydney's face, avoiding her gaze as she took notice of the tension held beneath her touch — where sydney had once softened so easily for her. "i think i spent too much time being terrified of what it would mean if this was real." her thumb traced slow, absent circles over the worn leather, clinging to the contact for as long as sydney would allow it. "losing this...losing you...put a lot into perspective for me." the breath that left her came uneven before dark orbs lifted to meet glassy green ones again. "i feel really stupid that it took me this long, but i don't want to pretend like the year i spent with you didn't mean anything."

much like sydney, she tried like hell to move on. carmen kept telling herself she'd eventually force her way through it, because what other choice was there after ruining something so completely? but overworking herself hadn't silenced the thoughts. if anything, exhaustion only left her defenseless against them. being surrounded by reminders of sydney she still couldn't bring herself to part with certainly didn't help, and neither did carlos's almost daily reminders of how good sydney had been to her. there were pieces of her still holding tightly onto sydney with a desperate kind of permanence, refusing to loosen their grip. because deep down, carmen had always known the truth: sydney was the best thing that had ever happened to her.

"i'm really sorry i put you through that." the apology felt painfully insufficient the moment it left her mouth. no combination of words could undo the damage she'd caused, nor soften the weight of it sitting between them now. actions mattered more than apologies ever would, and at this point, carmen didn't know how much she was allowed to give. not with the limited time she was allotted tonight. not that she blamed her for the time constraint. earning back even a fraction of that trust would take time. probably more time than sydney was willing to spare her. "you didn't deserve any of it." she forced herself to keep her gaze steady despite the devastation written so openly across sydney's face. "not just that night...everything."

i just see you. the answer was equal parts beautiful and terrifying. no one had ever seen her before. not like this. carmen had spent most of her life making sure of that. keeping people at enough of a distance that they never got close enough to reach the parts of her she didn't know how to expose without flinching. being truly known required a kind of vulnerability she never learned how to survive. and somehow, sydney became the exception. for a moment, carmen could only stare at her, stunned by the fact that sydney still looked at her like she was someone worth keeping after everything.

then the implication behind her next words settled in. carmen froze around it entirely, suspended in the space between disbelief and desperate hope, trying to figure out if she imagined it. whether her mind had twisted sydney's words into something softer, something kinder. because the alternative, the possibility they were real, felt far too impossible to touch. silence stretched between them, filled only by the rush of wind, the zipping of passing cars, the faint electric buzz of dying streetlights overhead. how was she supposed to focus on anything else now that there was even the slightest chance this might not be the end?

"you — what?" she blinked, brows pulling together as her lips dipped into a brief, bewildered pout. under any other circumstance, maybe she would've laughed. maybe she would've let herself hide behind humor the way she usually did when things became too real. but the words caught her too off guard for that. "i think you mean she'd kill me." the correction came automatically before realization settled in, making her stumble over herself quickly. "not that i'd give her a reason to. i just...i know i haven't exactly been great in the girlfriend department." her fingers tapped lightly against sydney's arm, tentative and restless. girlfriend. the word felt unfamiliar in her mouth, strange in the way all honest things seemed to be. "if it's any consolation, i'm pretty sure carlos would beat dani to it if i fucked up again."

without thinking, her hands lifted instinctively, drawn toward sydney's face like muscle memory. she stopped herself at the last second, fingers hovering awkwardly in the space between them as uncertainty settled hard in her chest. was this too much now? were they still allowed softness like that? the hesitation won. her hands dropped back down at their original position as she shifted awkwardly on her feet. "i really don't want to mess this up."

”So it was a relationship?” The question came out small, barely a whisper, and she felt exactly like Carmen as her attention stuck on just one part of everything the other had said. It’d been impossible not to, after all, considering it was the first time she’d ever heard what they were doing referred to by the word relationship from the other woman. In fact, Sydney was sure Carmen had specifically stated it wasn’t a relationship several times. What was she supposed to do? Ignore it?

The only thing she regretted about the question was the fact that it’d been in past tense — because god, did she wish they still had a chance.

(And maybe the small amount of hope that had bled through in her voice, as though she needed nothing more than confirmation that a relationship is what they’d been doing.)

Sydney sucked her top lip between her teeth, pressure sinking down against the soft skin just enough to ground her, but not enough to draw blood. She waited. The sound of the few cars still on the road at that hour flitting around them, the chill in the breeze crawling along her neck and brushing against the baby hairs peeking out from the work bun her hair was still pulled up into. Her hands, still aching to reach out and wipe the visible tears from the other’s cheeks, tucked into the pockets of the leather jacket that didn’t belong to her, yet felt like home all the same. Fingers wrapped around the cigarette box inside, grasping it like she wanted to grasp Carmen in that moment. A tear escaped her own green hues before she had the chance to blink it away.

“It wouldn’t have disappeared… how could it? Every single thing I did in the last year was because I had so much love for you and nowhere to put it… it was always there and it was never, ever going anywhere.” She breathed out and her gaze finally fell from the other woman’s, as though she couldn’t handle watching their train wreck any longer. “And as stupid as it is, it still hasn’t, not even now, not after everything you said to me. My love isn’t conditional, Carmen. Love isn’t supposed to be.”

funny how quickly the tables turned. focus shifted toward confirming whatever it was they shared instead of acknowledging everything else that had been said. not exactly surprising after carmen spent an entire year avoiding what they had become. she fought sydney on it every step of the way, stupidly denying the truth right up until the very end. but there was no outrunning it anymore. "it always was." something she never thought she'd have the guts to admit. her lips pressed tightly together as she fought off the tremor threatening to surface. "i just...didn't know how to admit it."

of course she had the worst possible timing. carmen could've admitted the truth at any point during the year they spent together. she should have. in typical carmen fashion, the realization didn't strike until it was far too late. at least sydney knew now. she owed her that much.

carmen could barely keep herself together when sydney broke in front of her. all she could see was the woman she'd left wrecked forty-five days ago. her hands ached to reach out, desperate to wipe the tear away before more could follow. but there were boundaries in place now. so instead, she crossed her arms, calloused fingers gripping tightly against her biceps, pretending she was shielding herself from the chill of the night and not fighting the overwhelming urge to comfort sydney.

then those words slipped from the other's lips, meant to quiet her fears. and although they did, they also made her feel shittier for how easily she had hurt the one person who had shown her nothing but love and impossible patience. "you still feel that way?" the question came out almost involuntarily, quiet enough to dissolve into the breeze. her fingers twitched against her biceps, the urge to reach out growing stronger than she knew how to manage.

"syd—" despite how hard she'd been trying to remind herself to keep her distance, her arms unraveled before she could stop them. the movement was clumsy, uncertain, her hand reaching out almost awkwardly as she finally made contact with sydney's arm, fingertips smoothing over worn leather. her leather. it looked far better wrapped around sydney than it ever had on her. "look at me, please." she gave her arm a gentle squeeze, no longer sure whether she was trying to comfort sydney or herself. "i don't know what the hell you see in me. i really don't." because how could this woman manage to love her when she'd been so cruel? "i don't know how to do this...but if there's something still there...i want to learn. i know i don't deserve it, but i don't think i could live with myself if i didn't...at least try."

She choked down amusement as the other voiced that she was only trying to understand, a laugh that would have been ill-timed, but she felt it all the same. Sydney was trying to understand too and it felt a bit more rightfully earned on her side of things. Carmen had forty-five days to try and understand, to work through this all for herself, and for a moment while sitting at that bar, watching the jealousy and desperation mar the woman’s features, she thought that she maybe had worked her way to understanding at least a little of what went wrong.

“Then I want you to believe me when I tell you that I don’t see you as broken or as something needing to be fixed.” Sydney should have pulled herself away, should have put a stop to this before she got sucked back in again — but there she was, aching to reach out, to close the few inches of space between them, like a moth drawn to a flame. Maybe she never really got over the self-destructive tendencies she had as a teen, they just… manifested in a different way, in a way that crushed her heart again and again and she couldn’t get enough of it. Her hand reached out and settled on the other’s forearm of its own accord. Moth, meet flame. “I promise.”

While she wasn’t able to keep herself from reaching out to the other, she did force her hand back after a gentle squeeze, because if she hadn’t she knew she would have taken Carmen fully into her grasp as the next words spilled from the other’s lips. Her hand fell lamely by her side as her stomach churned, brow furrowing with her own heated tears threatening to spill. Her head shook in defiance and all she wanted was for Carmen to take the words she said about herself back.

“I thought I’d feel better hearing you tell me everything was your fault… but I don’t.” Nothing about how the brunette spoke about herself made Sydney feel better. “I hate hearing you say stuff like that — but I hated the stuff you said to me too. I just… I don’t know what to do with all of this, I don’t know what you want to do with this.” A breath fell from her lips, warm in the cool air around them, the remnants of her earlier drinks on her tongue. Her bottom lip quivered, just slightly, but noticeable enough. “I just wish you’d let yourself be loved, you deserve that much, even if you don’t think so.”

believing sydney didn't see her as damaged goods came easier than expected. believing it about herself was the impossible part. over the past year, carmen had come to know sydney too well — far more deeply than she had ever intended. she knew the cadence of her sincerity, knew when her words carried real weight behind them. that was the thing about sydney: she always looked at carmen like she was something worth holding onto, something worth cherishing, even in moments when carmen deserved the opposite. and somehow, even now, sydney was offering her comfort she wasn't convinced she earned. "okay." the word came out painfully fragile in a way she instantly hated.

she went still the moment warmth met her skin, her breath snagging sharply in her throat as sydney's fingers curled so delicately around her forearm. the tenderness of it unraveled her instantly. her vision blurred beyond recovery, tears slipping free before she could blink them back. "i believe you." as desperately as she wanted to lean into the touch, to let herself have even a second longer of it, she knew it was fleeting. so when sydney's hand withdrew, the ache it left behind settled deep in her chest. still, carmen understood. this was all sydney could give her right now, and even that felt like far more grace than she deserved. she nodded once, jerkily — a silent acknowledgement that she understood the boundary being drawn and wouldn't ask for a sliver more.

"but it is my fault, syd. i had a month and a half to accept that." throwing herself headfirst into both jobs hadn't silenced any of it. if anything, it only gave the thoughts more room to echo. every cruel thing she'd said, every time she'd pushed sydney away, every moment sydney had met her hurt with impossible patience and forgiveness — it all replayed in relentless loops she couldn't shut off. "it's the truth. i wish it wasn't. i wish this was just some normal...relationship bullshit." a choked, humorless laugh broke from her throat. funny how she could finally call it a relationship now that she'd already ruined it. "but i'm just...so fucked in the head." her voice cracked around the words. "i can't — i can't pretend that isn't the truth." by now the tears were falling freely, warm tracks slipping down her face faster than she could think to hide them. she almost lifted a hand to wipe them away, but the effort felt pointless. "i don't know..." she admitted weakly, shaking her head once.

the only thing carmen knew for certain was that she fucked this up beyond recognition, and she no longer knew if there was any coming back from that — or if she'd ever be given the chance to try. selfishly, she wanted to ask for one more shot at getting this right, one more chance to hold onto whatever this had been before she tore holes through it with her own hands. but she had already taken so much from sydney. and still, sydney stood there offering her grace she couldn't comprehend. telling her she deserved to be loved like it was something simple, something unquestionable. something carmen herself had never managed to believe.

"i don't know how to do that..." maybe it was the kind of thing she should unpack in therapy — if she actually had a therapist instead of just finding new ways to avoid herself. "it's like..." she swallowed hard, struggling to keep her gaze from breaking away. "i'm always waiting for it to disappear or something." a strained, broken sound escaped her throat. "i mean, it did," she admitted, voice cracking around her words. "but that's my fault. i kept trying to convince myself i didn't need you...i do, though. i really do."

Sydney watched as the moment crumbled before her (as though it were going so well to begin with). Footsteps halted on the dirty sidewalk, the night air thickened with tension that weighed the chilly breeze to a stop. Leave it to Carmen to latch onto the one thing she’d tried to joke about, her own little pity party of one. “That was your takeaway? From everything I just said?” Her brow furrowed as she turned to face the other, but it was difficult to ignore the aching in her chest.

Carmen being someone who needed fixing would require her to be broken in the first place and the blonde would smash her own heart a thousand times before she’d ever let the other believe that.

She stepped forward, just once, but enough to close most of the distance between them. Her breath caught in her throat at the scent of coconut and the hint of engine oil beneath the cover of the alcohol the woman had been serving all night. In the past, Sydney wouldn’t have hesitated to take soft cheeks between her palms, to make dark brown eyes look at hers as she did everything to reassure Carmen she wasn’t broken, that there was nothing needing to be fixed.

Instead, her movements fell short and her hands came together instead, as though they were holding themselves back from the touch they really craved. “I didn’t mean it. I’m just… frustrated and mad at myself… mostly for thinking that things would get better if I stuck it out — if I gave you more time.” More chances. So many more chances. She never thought she’d reach the limit of chances she’d be willing to give Carmen… and then she did. Forty-five days ago. “You’re not someone who needs to be fixed. You’re not broken.”

the muscle in her jaw loosened, a faint tremor catching at the corner of her lips that she neither acknowledged nor tried to steady. once again, she misinterpreted the moment — unintentional, but no less damaging. sydney's joke landed harder than it should have, striking something she hadn't meant to expose. beneath it all lingered the fear she never quite named. that she was irreparable. that something in her had been left out of the blueprint entirely, like she was missing the tools required to be the person sydney needs. carmen wanted, more than she knew how to articulate, to be someone different. someone who didn't recoil at the slightest hint of tenderness. someone who didn't run whenever this not-a-relationship became too real to hold.

"i'm just trying to understand." the guilt that was settled in her gut from her own overreaction now doubled in size. where relief should have come easily, dread took its place instead. before everything had gone to shit, she wouldn't have hesitated. she would've reached for her without thinking, felt the frantic rhythm of her pulse beneath her fingertips, let her hands settle in the warmth of sydney's like they belonged there — like two pieces that were never meant to exist apart. but she had lost the right to that kind of ease forty-five days ago. so she stayed where she was, awkward and unsteady, while sydney closed the distance and filled the space between them. "i care how you see me, syd. that matters to me."

as much as carmen wished she could brush off that frustration, like she did so flippantly in the past, she finally understood it now. trying to keep pace with her constant push and pull was an exhausting game, one she couldn't expect sydney to keep playing forever. "i was selfish. you should've never had to wait on me like that." she'd lost count of how many times she'd pull sydney close only to push her back again, and how easily she'd been forgiven each time. somewhere in the blur of their year of whatever this was, she had never stopped long enough to consider what it looked like from the outside. how cruel it might have been. and realizing it now only made it worse.

"...maybe i am." the words fractured as they rolled off her tongue, splintering under the weight of everything she couldn't quite hold together. her composure unraveled faster than she could contain it, her eyes stinging with unshed tears as she fought to keep her gaze steady. "what we had was good, y'know?" her voice wavered. "but it was like...every time we got too close..." she exhaled sharply, shaking her head as frustration curled through her. "i just — i had to fuck it up." more than anything, carmen hated herself for that. "i don't —" carmen swallowed hard, glancing away for a second before forcing herself back. "i don't know why i do that...i just do. i never wanted us to end up here. i just — i couldn't stop myself, and it sucks. it really fucking sucks." an understatement. a pathetic one. "i swear i didn't mean it when i told you i didn't want this, syd. but the thing i said about it being me?" there was a small, defeated shake of her head. "it's always been me. i know that, and i'm so fucking sorry."

finally got back from my trip, so i'm off mobile! drained as hell though. replies will come tomorrow! i haven't forgotten anyone.

#shut up soph!

Sydney's lips pressed together. Was she not supposed to believe that the other meant what she said that night? Sure, Carmen said a lot of things that the blonde started to dismiss after the third or fourth cycle around, realizing that maybe the actions were what she should believe and not the words, but what the other said that night, the night forty-five days ago that ended in the door closing on what she thought was the last of them, felt different, they felt real — even if Sydney didn't want to believe them.

"Was being in control worth it?" The words slipped from her lips before she could stop them, a momentary thought brought to life as soon as she spoke it into the air between them. Carmen had been in control of their entire apparently-not-a-relationship; she'd been in control of the push and the pull and how much she gave and didn't give... and then there was Sydney, just along for the ride. At least, it felt like that. And, for the most part, that was okay with her, because the highs of the ride outweighed the lows by so much.

Until that night.

Her arms crossed without thinking and she breathed out. She wasn't angry. As stereotypical as it was, as much as Dani hated it, she wasn't angry... she was just disappointed. "Okay, so you're sorry. You did something shitty and you regret it, but that doesn't take it back and honestly, it doesn't even matter. I should have listened to you the first time, and the second and the third, and I didn't and that's on me. You didn't want this. I'm the idiot who thought maybe that would change... maybe I could change it." Her shoulders lifted and a sad, quiet chuckle slipped. "Girls always think they can fix a bad boy. It's funny how true that is."

carmen’s gaze fell to the sidewalk wordlessly. her jaw fixed, straining to keep the swell of emotion from breaking through. of course being in control wasn’t worth it. she had spent her whole life convincing herself she needed to hold the reins. then, somewhere along the way, sydney came in and made all of those lines blur. carmen went from throwing women out of her bed before sunrise to leaving the door open wide, her space quietly reshaping itself into something that belonged to sydney, too. for forty-five days, there was no escaping it. reminders lingered everywhere she turned: sydney’s crewneck she slept with every night, the bottle of shampoo tucked into her shower caddy, the creamer abandoned in her fridge. she hadn’t touched any of it. she couldn’t. letting go of those things felt too much like letting go of her.

more than anything, she wanted to confess — how deeply the breakup had cut, how it still ached, how none of it was meaningless. she wanted sydney to know what they shared mattered, that she mattered, that carmen wanted to be someone worth being proud of. but the words dissolved before they could take shape, evaporating the moment sydney reduced her to something fixable.

footsteps faltered, boots dragging against the cobblestones as she came to a sudden stop. “so what — i was just…something for you to work on?” an unavoidable, heavy guilt settled in her chest. she knew she had no right to it. not after being the one who had hurt sydney first.

a month and a half was more than enough time to ruminate. in that time, she came to believe that sydney was the only person who had ever truly seen her and chose her anyway. now, she was reduced to a problem — something that needed repair. was she always going to be that person? someone people tried to fix until they realized she wasn’t worth the effort?

carmen lifted her gaze, vision blurred, her throat tightening as she searched sydney’s face for an answer she wasn’t sure she could survive. “is that how you see me?” her voice quieter now. “as someone who needs to be fixed?”

She didn't want to accept the jacket. Accepting the jacket felt like a sign of giving in, as though everything could simply go back to normal and this was just a part of their vicious cycle that happened again and again over the last year, as though it wasn't different this time. It was difficult to say no, though, as brown eyes looked at her, glinting just slightly beneath the street lamps and neon sign of the bar, and she could tell that Carmen understood that this time was different too. Her hand reached out and fingers gripped the worn leather of the jacket, the feeling familiar as she slipped it over her arms. Sydney would have done unimaginable things for this feeling in the last month and a half, the closest to the other's arms wrapped around her as she had gotten in that time.

"Thanks." It wasn't needed, she knew that, but she mumbled the word of appreciation anyway because it filled the awkward space between them. She hated feeling like this, but giving in again stopped being an option as soon as Carmen had left that night in the echoes of blame she'd placed on the blonde.

Sydney sighed before nodding toward the sidewalk and hoping the other would follow. They could stand in the gravel lot all night, but it wouldn't be fair. She'd given Carmen boundaries, the time it took to walk her home (which was a generous two miles), and she had to stick to that. "You won't — because you already have... and I'm not saying that to be mean or to make you feel some type of way, even though it's really hard not to want you to hurt as much as I did, but..." Shoulders beneath the leather jacket lifted in a shrug and she closed the distance to walk beside Carmen. "It's the truth and at least you know that no matter what you say tonight, you can't possibly say anything worse."

the sight of sydney in her clothes usually filled her with a sense of pride, but right now it left her aching. she sensed the hesitance to accept the warmth the worn leather would provide, and she understood all too well. the damage from that night wouldn’t be fixed overnight. though, from where she stood, she wasn’t sure it would be fixed at all. “you don’t have to thank me.” looking after sydney came naturally to her. offering her jacket was just the bare minimum — she didn’t deserve any form of appreciation for it.

feet shifted toward the sidewalk, hands awkwardly fidgeting with themselves to stop from reaching for her. “i guess i should start with that, then.” she needed to rip off the metaphorical bandaid before it was too late. if she didn’t get to the point now, she knew she’d beat around the bush until it was too late, reinforcing the vicious cycle. “i know you think i meant what i said that night…and i don't blame you.” her actions certainly aligned, giving sydney no reason to think otherwise. “i was scared, syd. i was scared, and i thought…if i said the worst possible thing i could think of, i could be in control.” a small pause followed, forcing the lump down in her throat. “it’s really shitty and doesn’t make it better — but i didn’t mean it.”

each step she took felt more weighted than the last. admitting to her faults was a huge feat, but there was no room for celebration when it took a year to realize what was right in front of her. “i spent so long trying to convince myself that i didn’t want this…but i think i always knew that wasn’t true.” self sabotage was her speciality, after all. tonight, she could either own up to it or lose sydney entirely without at least trying. “i really fucked up, syd. i owe you so many apologies.”

continued from here for @loeathing

She said she was trying her best and she was — probably better than Carmen even deserved, as she heard from Dani, after a few shots of tequila, multiple times that night. Even right up until closing, when her coworker-slash-best friend finally left her with a regretful look, as though she were walking past lonely dog in the pound. Still, Sydney tried her best, because she was the kind of person that still did that, even if it did leave her feeling like a looked over pound puppy. She'd ordered her drink from Antonio quickly, thankful the man didn't even bother attempting to charm her again (though maybe this was more so due to the look she knew Carmen was giving him from across the bar than due to Sydney's swiftness in ordering), she had Dani order the rest of the drinks (she convinced herself this was out of convenience for her and not to spare Carmen), and she waited around as the bar emptied out (as promised).

It was doing her best and Sydney knew it was pretty good for the situation at hand. Whether or not Carmen considered it her best was up to her and with the opening of the bar doors for one final time that night, the blonde figured she was about to find out just how the other woman felt. Or not — Carmen not talking about how she felt is exactly why she was there, pacing in front of a bar at two in the morning, wishing she’d thought to bring a jacket as her hands shoved deeper into the pockets of her jeans, waiting for the other to start the conversation she’d so desperately wanted earlier.

“I told you I’d wait.” It felt like something she’d always be doing for the other. Waiting. “You can walk me home and I’ll listen to whatever you have to say until we get there.”

gravel crunched beneath boot clad feet, fingers itching for the nicotine hiding in the pocket of her leather jacket. anything to take the edge off from what felt like the shift from hell. having to witness antonio flirt with sydney was torture, even if he pumped the breaks after her mini outburst. apologizing to him felt like a form of cruel and unusual punishment, but sydney insisted, and how could she say no to her?

she had a hard time believing sydney would keep her word and stay after. maybe because, deep down, she knew she didn’t deserve it. so when she saw the blonde pacing outside, her world tilted on its axis. she froze midway through retrieving her cigarettes, like she’d been stunned by an apparition. “i — yeah, yeah. i can — i’d like that.” slowly, her footsteps grew closer, careful not to cross some invisible boundary she wasn’t sure existed. the memory of sydney pulling away abruptly just hours ago was permanently embedded into her brain.

her eyes glossed over sydney’s frame, taking note of the way she sought warmth in the pockets of her jeans. unable to help herself, she shrugged off her leather. muscle memory at this point. “here,” she offered her jacket with an underlying hesitation. after being rejected once, she was uncertain what was acceptable. it’s not like she’d ever been in this predicament before. “listen, i don’t really know what i’m doing…or where to start. i’m really bad at this.” an understatement. she glanced at the gravel for a second, trying to work the words around her tongue. “i don’t want to say or do the wrong thing.”

She always knew that these moments, when Carmen pulled away from her and claimed what they had wasn’t as clear as day, were because the other was scared and not because she truly didn’t care. That they were due to fear and not a lack of feeling. It always helped her get through them… until now. At some point, the denial and the stubbornness and the unwillingness to give up whatever the woman feared had worn Sydney down, made her realize she was tolerating Carmen’s push and pull and sacrificing herself in the meantime. How many times could she bare to have her heart broken, waiting for it to be mended with tape and string instead of something far more stable, something she wasn’t sure the other was willing to give at all?

Not even after forty-five days (the longest they’d ever gone apart) spent ruminating on the loss of them. Not even after Sydney sat here, listening to Carmen try to convince her that it was her decision that the other woman couldn’t do the job. A noise, a mix of laughter and the thickness of tears she’d been forcing down, tried to make its way from her throat. The sound that came was whispered and garbled and threatened to choke her at the very sound of it.

“Why can’t you just take responsibility for your actions? For once?” Sydney shook her head, a sigh falling between them. Tired. Exhausted. Forty-five days and the best Carmen could come up with was that it was her fault she’d left that night? She stopped blaming herself for that night after the second week of tears and the inability to leave her house. “You refused to see what was right in front of you, you opened the door, and you walked out of it. That wasn’t my decision.”

She took a breath, fingers gripping the edge of the bar as she stood, as though she were steadying herself. Maybe she was silly to not expect this when she’d told her station she would be okay meeting them at the bar, but was it completely wrong to have expected Carmen to just ignore her? It didn’t seem too difficult when she walked out of her life a month and a half ago and never came back.

Part of Sydney couldn't help but wonder what would've happened if she hadn't shown up at the bar that night?

"I'm not doing anything." Her tone was far more gentle than it should have been, a clear sign that she was already caving to the other's pleas. How long would Carmen have this hold over her? How many times would she sacrifice pieces of herself to make the woman comfortable? "I'm going to order a drink, which is what I came up here to do, and then I'm going to go back to my table and reign Dani's leash in and I'm going to wait until the bar closes and you're finished working so we can talk." Sydney explained the plan again, as though the methodical description would make it hurt less for either of them. "I... I can't give you more than that — I don't have anything left to give, Car. Please get that, I'm trying my best here too."

frustration seeped into her bones at her inability to articulate what was bubbling just beneath the surface. the atmosphere certainly wasn’t offering her any assistance. between the prying eyes and her abandoned duties that awaited her, she felt set up for failure. anything that left her mouth wouldn’t land how she intended. she had no other choice but to wait until the bar closed, praying to some god she didn’t believe in that maybe then she’d be able to explain herself properly.

“that’s not–” carmen cut herself off, head shaking as she tried to gain some semblance of control. she was usually so good at letting things go, letting people believe whatever they wanted, but sydney wasn’t just anyone. “that’s not what i meant, okay?” she settled on the weak, barely-there explanation. she knew sydney wouldn’t just take her word for it, but she couldn’t stand the idea of her walking away believing she had zero self reflection in the past month and a half.

the irony of not being able to let sydney part ways, even if only until the bar closed, wasn’t lost on her. carmen had been able to do the same forty-five days ago, yet the thought of sydney doing it now terrified her. there was a strong possibility that after tonight, sydney would be gone for good. each second of her shift that ticked by, it would be the only thing on her mind.

the gentle explanation did little to soothe her worries. it was difficult to bury herself in work when the woman she’d been so fixated on was within arm’s reach, yet still so out of touch. her eyes burned, throat constricting, but she forced a jerky nod. for once, sydney was standing her ground, and there was nothing she could do to change that. “okay,” she agreed reluctantly, grabbing the discarded rag from the bar top. “i — yeah, i get it. i do.”

carmen knew she should return to her work. there were patrons eager for refills, tabs that needed closing, liquor to be stocked. for the first time, she didn’t want to be the one to turn her back first. “i’ll see you then.” her tone lacked any real confidence, because at any moment sydney could change her mind.

Stubbornness was a quality that Sydney always found achingly adorable in the brunette, especially when it was about things that Carmen felt passionate about or little things she’d just wanted to happen and maybe didn’t go as planned, but this? The steady stubbornness in the other’s voice was more achingly than adorable and her brow furrowed with the emphasis of that. It confirmed what she expected, that Carmen was putting on this show simply because she felt like that had been something more than the average bar interaction — and yeah, Antonio had definitely been flirting, she wasn’t stupid, but did the other really, truly think that she was flirting back?

Even the idea of flirting with someone else had her chest clenching in a way that made it difficult to breathe.

“You’re supposed to be sorry because you were mean to someone who didn’t deserve it.” Sydney knew that the likelihood of the other apologizing was so slim, but she couldn’t help but try. It was the least the bartender deserved for ending up a victim of whatever this was. “Because that was someone you trained, trying to do his job. You don’t get to be mad about it just because you decided you couldn’t do the job anymore.”

Her nose scrunched. Off track, definitely off track. In fact, so off track that Sydney knew she should have been gone from the bar far before the euphemisms for their relationship, or whatever it was, started falling from her lips.

Blonde strands shook with her head. There is was again; I didn’t mean it. How many times would Carmen try to claim that? When would she realize that there were only so many times that the excuse would work and she’d used up all of them already? “But you did mean it, we’ve already been over that. It took a long time to come to terms with that, but I did., I — ” She trailed off. It was a lie, she hadn’t exactly come to terms with anything at all, but right now, as her station waited on her to order a drink that had taken much longer than it should have and other patrons waited to be served, didn't seem like the best time to expose everything she'd been through in the last forty-five days.

For a moment, Sydney let the sounds of the bar drown out her thoughts, as though the loud rock song she couldn't quite name and the smacking of pool sticks against balls and whooping of men who were probably average in the game could make her forget about everything she wanted to say to the woman standing in front of her.

Calling herself the last person the blonde wanted to talk to was an extreme understatement. In fact, she wanted to talk to Carmen so badly, she'd barely had two drinks before pressing call on her contact a week before — it was almost embarrassing how badly she wanted to stay there, in that moment, and hear the other tell her just how much she'd messed up, how it was all a mistake, how she was ready to make up for it... but it wasn't the right time, and Sydney knew that.

So as the gentle, desperate touch moved toward hers on the styrofoam cup, her hands dropped and fell back to the bar top and her stomach rolled with the action of pulling away from the other woman. "I wanted you to stay too." It was difficult to get the words out and they had far less confidence behind them than she intended and it only took a few muffled moments before she finally gave in to the expression marring Carmen's smooth skin.

"We can talk, but after the bar closes... and after you apologize. I haven't looked, but I know Dani is just dying to interrupt this right now." And her coworker would likely say something not-very-nice in Spanish to Carmen and Sydney has come to learn that the language switch is more for her benefit than anyone else's, considering she would yell at Dani for saying mean things if she had any clue what she was saying. She slid off of the stool, finally, and glanced down the bar to the bartender who'd moved to the furthest spot from Carmen. "I'm going to go finish my order with Antonio and you're going to let him do his job — and I'll meet you outside once you're done here."

there was a laundry list filled with every horrible word she uttered, every little drastic action she’d taken, and each time she could’ve been the person she knew sydney needed — the person carmen wanted to be more than anything. forty-five days had given her plenty of time to realize how awful a person she’d become. she was sure there was plenty more to add to the list if she gave herself the opportunity to think. point is, she had a very sad, long record of apologies she owed to sydney. however, she didn’t feel like she owed much to anyone else.

“he did deserve it,” she mumbled quietly, barely audible over the loud chatter, and the clinking of glasses. “i never decided i couldn’t do the job anymore. i’m scared of losing it — there’s a difference.” a rare crack in her armor; perhaps the implications aided in the admission. “but i already lost…or am losing. i don’t know.” there were no words in the english language to describe how stupid she felt — only able to confess when it was dressed up as something else.

articulating her feelings proved to be a constant struggle, made worse when surrounded by a sea of strangers. there was so much left unsaid, right on the tip of her tongue, waiting to be set free, but she couldn’t. they were meant for sydney’s ears only. “you’re the one who decided that.” her eyes drifted to the man in the corner, still incessant on commanding her attention. she breathed out a deep sigh, mentally cursing herself for the circumstance she was stuck in. “i don’t — i don’t want you to think that i’m this person that just says these awful things. i never cared what anyone thinks of me…i care what you think of me.”

all carmen could do was hope sydney knew she wouldn’t say those words lightly. the sad reality was there weren’t many people she cared for — they were either dead and buried, the only blood she had left, or the one sitting right in front of her. she didn’t do feelings, but sydney was the exception.

so when sydney rejected her proximity, like the thought of her potential touch would burn, her heart sank deep into the pit of her stomach. this was all the confirmation she needed to know whatever they had vanished. she didn’t want to push; she had already pushed so much. for a moment, she froze, processing the abrupt motion, her fingertip tracing an indent sydney left behind in the styrofoam. “syd–” carmen cut herself off; this wasn’t a fitting setting for apologies. shaking her head, her hands retreated, falling awkwardly limp at her sides.

the promise of a talk had her head perking up slightly. this had to be progress, right? though nothing could stifle the sense of dread at the impending apology to antonio. she originally had no intention of even sparing the man a glance. if she had to do so, she’d do so begrudgingly, only at sydney’s request. “you’re killing me.” because carmen wasn’t carmen without putting up a fuss. her gaze swept over the bar, and sure enough, there dani was glaring right back at her.

“you’re going to what?” her head spun back so fast she swore she’d given herself whiplash. carmen could swallow the rejection, but she didn’t think she could stomach watching antonio fawn over sydney until close. “syd, why are you doing this?” carmen knew she deserved hell for everything she put sydney through, but this was too much. “i know you don’t owe me anything, but just — please don’t do this. i’ll apologize, okay? i’ll apologize, i’ll keep my distance…i’ll do whatever you want, but don’t make me do this. please?”

Sydney knew how the sentence ended — not to flirt with you. It was what Antonio was trying to do, even she could tell that much, but it wasn’t like she’d been returning his effort. She smiled, gave him a few encouraging laughs, and pretended like she wasn’t suffocating from the inside every time she felt Carmen’s gaze on her. The last thing on her mind was flirting back when the only person she wanted was right there, just feet away. Did Carmen think that was what happened? That she was flirting back with him? “You owe him an apology. You know you weren’t being fair.”

Everything inside of her wanted to scream in frustration; why couldn’t the other just let herself see what was right in front of her?

Her head shook, back and forth like the circle they kept going in, except this time she was tired and worn down and not sure if she could run that circle again even if she wanted to (and god, did she want to). “You never mean it.” It felt like she’d heard those words so often, every time they’d given themselves space, every time they stepped away from an argument to pull themselves together, every time Carmen magically forgot that she had pulled away in the first place — it always came back to the other saying how she didn’t mean what she said. And Sydney could almost believe it. She wanted to believe it so badly… but as many times as she’s heard those words, it felt different this time.

“It felt like you meant it.” She reached forward for the cup, fingers curling around spots where Carmen’s were moments before, and a sigh fell between them. She could feel the heat of Dani’s gaze on them, the readiness in which she was willing to come and interject if Sydney lingered too long. The blonde inhaled slowly, trying to fill the lungs that were threatening to collapse at any moment. She could do this. “If you didn’t, we wouldn’t be sitting here, doing this, after all this time. If you didn’t mean them… you never would have left. So yeah, I do think you meant them, because words matter. Your words matter to me and I spent weeks thinking about them, Carmen.” Seconds, days, weeks, she’d lost track of just how many times they echoed in the empty walls of her home.

Her gaze dropped and she didn’t have to blink to feel the heat already pricking behind her eyelids, half-moon spots carved in the styrofoam cup between her fingers as she debated how much willpower it would take to just walk away. “You should get back to work, the guy on the corner has been trying to get your attention.”

the sheer audacity of the request prompted carmen to flinch as if she’d been struck. she may as well have. all night, she stood by and observed — how antonio was making heart eyes, how sydney laughed at his mediocre jokes, how she leaned in like she wanted more of him. the worst part was watching that sweet, dopey smile fade the instant she interjected, like she was ruining the moment.

“i’m not apologizing to him. i have nothing to apologize for.” carmen didn’t do apologies, and she sure as hell wasn’t going to waste one on antonio. “what exactly am i supposed to be sorry for? interrupting whatever the hell that was?” her tone came off more accusatory than she intended, but she knew what she saw. she knew if she hadn’t stepped in, sydney would be handing over her number by now.

every word that fell from sydney’s lips was another reminder of how she managed to ruin the one good thing she had going for her. she couldn’t think of one person who would be willing to put up with her bullshit for this long. sydney had the patience of a saint, and somehow, she wore it too thin. it was always the same old song and dance. she’d let her mouth run without thinking of the consequences then running back to sydney like a scared puppy. every time, she’d take her back — except now, when she pushed her too far.

“you don’t understand,” she rasped out, her lips downturning at how pathetic she sounded. how else was she supposed to sound when the woman she loved was two seconds from running out the door? this wasn’t the ideal place for such a weighted conversation. she felt trapped behind the bar, under the surveillance of total strangers in her most vulnerable moment. “i know i fucked up. i know that. trust me, i’m well aware, but i didn’t mean it.”

her heart sank to the pit of her stomach, sensing sydney’s desperation to be anywhere but here. warning bells sounded in her head, urging her to fight before the other fled. reluctantly, she glanced over her shoulder, taking inventory of the patrons who needed their drinks topped off and tabs closed. for weeks, the bar and the shop had been her only distractions from the constant negative thoughts she was drowning in. right now, she was mentally checked out, unable to move from this spot. she knew if she did, sydney would be gone in the blink of an eye.

“i don’t — i don’t care.” her gaze returned to sydney, hands moving to the bar top, itching to be closer. “i know i’m the last person you want to talk to, and i don’t blame you, but i had a lot of time to think. all i do is think, you know? about you…us.” her finger brushed against the styrofoam, eager to make contact with the warmth of sydney’s skin, but she fought not to overstep. “please stay, syd. please? i — i want you to stay.”

Walk through the door. Order a drink. Have a good night with the rest of her station. Go home alone (as usual). That was the plan. What wasn’t part of the plan was sitting at the bar, sadly drinkless, entertaining a jealousy that she used to find attractive — the same jealousy now frustratingly maddening and without true reason. Why did Carmen think she had any right to be jealous over something she had made very clear she didn’t want? “You’re the one who sent him over here.” Sydney was sure that the point would fall on deaf ears. She knew how the other was when she got like this and she ached for the days when it would lead to flushed cheeks and butterflies low in her stomach and them leaving the bar or event quicker than they’d arrived.

Now, witnessing it just felt… empty.

“I wasn’t the one who called him a pretty boy.” The blonde added, jaw muscles tensing as she laid her palms flat on the cold and sticky bar top to stop herself from picking it clean. “He was just doing his job, Carmen. You don’t get to be a dick about that.”

She was sure the other would anyway, it was just how she was built, and the part of that Sydney found annoyingly endearing seemed to have fizzled out the moment Carmen put everything on her. Maybe it was her fault, though, for believing that there was something inside of the other that would break free from whatever deep, deep imprisonment the woman kept it in. Yeah, she was to blame for that. Why had she heard hoof beats and expected zebras instead of horses?

The other’s comment did draw a soft huff of what could probably be considered a laugh, although a horribly ironic one. The new bartender wouldn’t be the first incompetent person she stupidly fell for — case in point, because Carmen thinking she was into the man who had attempted to serve her was the dumbest thing she’d heard in a long time. But instead of saying anything, instead of returning the biting comment with one of her own, Sydney watched the brunette pour the drink out, a sound bubbling up in her chest that felt less about mourning the perfectly good drink and more about mourning the loss of something deeper.

“But I’m not okay.” Her gaze, dark and green and desperate, met Carmen’s despite trying so hard to look at anything but. It was difficult to focus on counting the bottles behind the bar and reading the neon signs when she’d always been so drawn to the other. Her chest was war-torn, her heart hammering against her ribcage as it battled every little signal her brain tried to send it. Leave the bar. Walk away from this. Nothing good will ever come of it — you’ve tried. “I didn’t want this anyway. Your words. You made it perfectly clear.”

A breath felt from her lips, her teeth pulling the top one between them as she tried to force herself to do something she really didn’t want to. Heart versus brain. “Can I just get a water — to go?”

defense mechanisms kicked up a notch at the accusation. of course she sent antonio over to tend to sydney. she wasn’t exactly sure if she’d made the request to benefit herself or sydney — perhaps an even mix of both. “yeah, to take your order, not to–” she instantly cut herself off before she revealed too much. carmen shook her head as if trying to physically shake off the ugly green monster that sunk its sharp claws deep into her skin. she knew she had lost the right to feel this possessive months ago, though she wasn’t sure if she ever truly reserved the right.

each word felt like a knife slicing through her heart over and over again. her knuckles grew a ghastly white, clinging onto the rag like it was a lifeline. anyone could insult her and she was capable of brushing it off, but when it came from sydney? it had her rethinking everything, second guessing her every move. “i’m not trying to be a dick,” she mumbled, though both of them knew she was attempting to get under sydney’s skin. she just couldn’t help herself, not with how the interaction looked from where she stood.

carmen’s expression immediately dropped the second the confession left sydney’s lips. her biggest weakness would always be seeing sydney distraught, something she’d witnessed far too often at her own hand. the night she stormed out of the other’s house replayed in her head on a loop. she hated herself for how easily she could be so careless with her words, especially when they had such an effect on sydney. “i-” her tongue stopped working, throat suddenly dry.

there was no coming back from this. carmen had made her bed, now she was forced to lie in it. her fingers loosened their grip on the rag, dropping it unceremoniously on the bartop. “i — yeah, yeah.” her head nodded jerkily, hands awkwardly wiping against the fabric of her apron. the way she moved around the bar was uncharacteristic, like she didn’t quite belong. she didn’t want sydney to leave, but she couldn’t force her to stay — just like sydney couldn’t force her to drop her stupid ego.

after a few minutes of clumsy fumbling, she gently placed the to go cup in front of sydney. she couldn’t muster the strength to let go. maybe if she lingered a bit longer, she’d have more time with sydney. “i — i didn’t mean it,” she admitted quietly, that awful churning in her gut making its presence known. “what i said that night,” she clarified, fingertips tapping the styrofoam before reluctantly retreating. “i didn’t mean it, and i want you to know that.”