why do you gotta be egoista?

[loeathing]

@LOEATHING : independent and semi-selective multi-muse writing blog penned by sophie. expect mature and dark themes. 21+ only, she / her, est.

guidelines & muses.

[loeathing]

i still have so many drafts to get to !! unfortunately, i’m hella sick rn and need to nurse myself back to health in time for vacation. i haven’t forgotten about any of you. promise!!

[b3gg3d]

open to : m f nb

connections : assume

''i wasn't.. trying to like ditch you last time, i just got distracted,''

[loeathing]

"it's always something with you." eyes averted, unable to stomach holding her gaze for a moment longer. " you're allergic to accountability."

[transtarks]

reblog this and put in the tags at least two (2) songs you are listening to on repeat right now

[loeathing]

reverse starter call !! like this if you need your opens to get some love !!

[redemptioninterlude]

leave it to maeve to want to STEAL HER THUNDER! like seriously, what a show off! blair had had this suspicion about the whole thing when she'd met the other girl that something was just a little bit sideways about her. a girl can always tell. and so maybe, she's gone snooping through her things. this whole restaurant singer thing is cute and all, having befriended the girl at one of the upscale places that blair liked to take her victims friends, but...

that closeness had translated into getting to know one another better. which meant that sometimes they'd hang out outside of the restaurant, and oh, blair could tell that there was something in maeve that was HUNGRY for recognition. now, blair wouldn't call herself anything like a prodigious killer, or anything. in fact, she was just more thankful her parents cleaned up after their spawn. but to find that the little blonde pipsqueak was leaning into her lane as she slipped her fingers, light, over her belongings?

oh, it's enough to burn a girl RIGHT UP!

"honestly, babe, i think that if you were going to be committing yourself to the bit, that you'd be a little bit more careful." blair's expression creased, almost mockingly sad, her hands raised to fists beneath her eyes to play out the motions of crying. "but now you're exposed! do you SERIOUSLY think you could take me out? i fucking killed serena van der woodsen. do you really think an amateur like you could do damage?" no, no, maeve's just trying to steal her center stage, the bitch... and oh. there's nothing more that blair loved more than to take out a nosy blonde!

★— ATTN: @loeathing ( i went with full on camp lmao, love your username! )

[loeathing]

now, this was just delicious. really, maeve was tickled pink. she'd grown used to the same old whiny victims falling into her trap, begging for her to show an ounce of mercy. they practically sucked all of the fun out of her little side gig. sure, she loved the sight of tears and high-pitched screams that came right before the grand finale. but the real thrill came from those with a fire inside of them — the ones who dared to give her a little pushback. how sweet of this feisty thing to give her exactly what she'd been craving. what she hadn't prepared for was the confession blair let slip. not much took maeve by surprise, but this had certainly spiced things up. there had always been a feeling in her gut that they were similar in ways some might consider sinister.

"oh, you're just so precious." maeve flashed the other a hollywood award-winning smile, soaking in the theatrics. "do you really think you stumbled into my shrine by happy accident?" blonde curls spilled over one shoulder as she tilted her head. stuck-up socialities ranked high on her list of people she loved to torture, right alongside men with superiority complexes. her head tipped back in a dramatic laugh as her fingers reached for the knife propped up in its display case. "am i supposed to care about this serena van in the woods?" she gestured vaguely in the air, emphasizing just how little she knew, or cared, about who the hell blair was talking about. maeve wasn't one to keep up with the likes of tmz or any of that nonsense, though she was particularly good with facial recognition. not that it would help her in this situation.

"is that supposed to impress me?" manicured fingertips traced the blade's edge. a frustrated sigh slipped past her lips as her hands tightened around the handle. "if you're so skilled, tell me, blair — how did you kill her, hm? was it everything you ever dreamed of and more?" lips quirked into a taunting smile, curious just how twisted the other truly was.

[commonmonsters]

Eleanora really didn't expect Maeve to believe the mask she had tried to slip on. She wore it too tightly, and the features were too uncanny to be considered human. She had made an attempt, she supposed. So when Maeve looked at her more closely and moved more cautiously, Eleanora knew that the facade was over. Thank god, the vampire could never reduce herself to some shriveling damsel.

To have the confirmation that it was Maeve behind the recent murders was relieving. It meant that something could be done about it. Normally, Eleanora wouldn't bat an eye at the news covering murder; it happened all the time. But when the coverage morphed into talks of serial murder in her neighborhood, her interest was piqued. It certainly wasn't her doing, no, Eleanora was much too careful. Two a week maximum, and they were never completely drained of blood. The puncture wounds would be in different parts of the body: the neck, wrists, and chest were easiest to cut into something else. But the news reported nearly one killing every night, and that sent warning bells to the front of the vampire's brain.

"I'm inquisitive by nature," Eleanora responded simply, big brown eyes following Maeve as her heels clacked down on the linoleum flooring. Her eyebrows arched at her response. If she had no expectations, nothing could disappoint her. Wordlessly, she allowed Maeve to approach her, circling behind her like a wildcat on the prowl. Eleanora made no faux effort to shrink away. Instead, she turned to face her, expression unreadable. "I take it you're the reason that almost seven people died in the last week?"

[loeathing]

for someone who got a head rush from torturing strangers, maeve wasn't nearly as cautious as she should have been. the thrill often lulled her into believing she was some untouchable, unstoppable force. no one would ever suspect the charming, pint-sized, airheaded bombshell who sang peggy lee covers to a room full of snobs every week could be capable of such diabolical crimes. it was all a facade, of course. if anyone knew what her mind was truly capable of, she'd be donning an orange jumpsuit by now — and though it certainly suited her favorite fall color palette, it was so not her color.

"beauty and brains," maeve pointed out excitedly, her tongue clicking against the roof of her mouth. "it's hard to come across nowadays." the other blonde connecting the dots so effortlessly should have terrified her, but it had quite the opposite effect. her fingers drifted toward the counter, manicured tips tapping a mindless rhythm against the marble. there was something in eleanora's eyes that convinced her something sinister lurked beneath the surface. perhaps they were kindred spirits — or something far beyond what maeve could fathom.

maeve's head tipped back as an obnoxious laugh spilled from her, one born deep within her gut as she twirled a hand in the air. "guilty as charged." faux lashes fluttered as their eyes met. something told her her charm wouldn't get her out of this one, but a girl could certainly try. "tell me, have you been admiring my handiwork?" it was definitely the talk of the town. the slasher had a particular flair for displaying her corpses once she'd finished having her fun. contorting their remains was all part of the entertainment. just last night, she'd driven a drummer's own drumstick through his ear, and the memory still earned her a private chuckle. "is this gonna be a problem?" glossed tiers turned downward dramatically, her bottom lip jutting out in an exaggerated pout.

[trackmind]

⋆.𐙚 ̊  open to f / m / nb  ! from: sienna izaguirre. mid twenties. podcast host / paranormal investigator. plot: sienna wants y/m to accompany her to investigate a supposedly haunted house tied to an unsolved murder.

                  “ okay, hear me out. ” opens trunk of jeep to reveal a plethora of equipment, evidence that she'd been planning this long before seeking their permission. “ twenty years ago a teenage girl was murdered in that house and the case went cold. multiple people have reported hearing her voice, seeing lights in empty rooms ... y'know, the usual spooky shit. ” continues stuffing backpack as she speaks ( EMF meter, infrared flashlight, thermal camera attachment and spirit box ), before clipping digital voice recorder to leather jacket. “ best case scenario, we debunk a local myth and get an incredible episode out of it. worst case, we solve a murder and become heroes. ” dark hues brighten with unmistakable excitement. “ c'mon, don't be a wuss — if i get possessed, i'll need someone to hold the camera. ”

[loeathing]

"no. nope. not happenin'." quick to shut the other down, though they both knew she'd be roped into this eventually. call it a freaky superpower, but the other had a way of convincing elliot to do just about anything — more often than not, begrudgingly. "are you out of your goddamn mind?" hands gestured dramatically, the way they always did whenever she was particularly revved up. "i am not spending the night trying to to talk to some dead chick!" she could think of a million other things that would be more worthwhile. but no. instead, she was standing in front of an abandoned, apparently haunted house while her friend stuffed a bunch of equipment into her bag that seemed far too advanced for her to comprehend. "why can't you watch ghostbusters and be satisfied like a normal person?" brows quirked as she stuffed her hands into the pockets of her bomber jacket. "i'm not being a wuss. this is, like, the hundredth time you've ambushed me with your spooky shit. we can go back to mine, and i can flicker the lights off and on if that really does it for ya."

[commonmonsters]

Oh. My. God. Eleanora hit the jackpot.

It was easy to tell that there was something just a little off with Maeve from the start. After roaming the earth for upwards of several centuries, Eleanora's intuition became second nature and something she rarely doubted. Was it the feverish glint in Maeve's eyes that gave her away, or was it the way her fingers gripped her microphone during each setlist, as if coiling around the shaft of a knife? The vampire didn't know. What she did know was that Maeve slaughtered her own kind the same way Eleanora did on any given night. She suppressed a laugh at the thought; humans were so fascinating.

Mindlessly, she found herself running her fingertips against the decayed leg on display. The skin was leathery, and the veins were drained of blood. A pity. "I guess I forgot my manners," Eleanora replied simply, turning to face Maeve. "I believe that saying includes a cat, no?" Her lips curled into what she hoped was an anxious smile; she even worried her lower lip between her teeth for good measure. Isn't this what mortal women do? Didn't they shrink themselves during times of distress as a last resort of self-preservation?

Eleanora fluttered her lashes as if she were overstimulated by the situation. She broke eye contact with Maeve to look back at her collection of human remains. She examined the makeshift shrine with clinical precision before turning back to the other blonde. "How many people did these come from?"

[loeathing]

not much had managed to throw the slasher off her game. in her long line of work, she'd encountered every manner of oddity imaginable and then some. yet nothing could have prepared her for the peculiar shift in atmosphere that settled over her little trophy room. there was something off about the other woman. perhaps it was the way her expressions never quite matched the words leaving her pretty lips, or the way her fingertips lingered a heartbeat too long against the human remains — as though the grotesque was not something to be feared, but something she knew by heart.

icy orbs were drawn to the other blonde like metal to a magnet, curiosity now sinking its meaty claws into her skin. maeve hated how utterly fascinating she found eleanora's demeanor when she should have been plotting which torturous tactic she'd employ for her ultimate demise. the thought of how delicious her screams would sound as she begged for mercy still lingered. "manners," she echoed with a hum, her head tilting to the side as another laugh rumbled low in her throat. "how sweet of you to be so self-aware." a slow smile curled across glossed tiers, heels clicking against the linelouem as she approached with an unfamiliar sense of caution.

"you sure do love to ask a lot of questions, don't cha?" eyebrows arched, silently prompting a response, but in typical maeve fashion, she only allowed a brief beat to pass before pressing on. "if you must know, i fear the answer may come as a disappointment to you." keeping tabs on exactly how many victims occupied her roster seemed like such childish behavior. admittedly, she had kept a running count when the thrill was still fresh, but over the years, she'd long since lost track. a dramatic sigh slipped past plush lips as she circled eleanora, pausing behind her while tossing blonde curls over her shoulder. "but since we seem to be in a questioning mood, tell me — what's going on in that pretty head of yours?"

[catastrophicxfailure]

Maybe it was foolish of her to given Carmen a chance to explain any of this, because if she’d wanted to explain, if she’d wanted to make amends for her wrongdoings, it wouldn’t have taken her forty-five days to do so, right? She could hear Dani now, confirming all of this and more, and yet Sydney stayed and Sydney listened, because that’s what love was — staying and listening and communicating, and she was built to stand by her own words and her own convictions.

She loved Carmen, even now, and so she stayed and she listened, even if she wished she were doing so forty-five days earlier.

“I wanted everything to do with you.” Her words came out fractured, as though they were forced through a space that had tried to choke them down and suffocate them until they were nothing but whispers of things she shouldn’t have said. Sydney thought about the days she spent in bed after the other walked out, the tears she spilled over and over every time she thought of that night, and she decided to keep that to herself.

Instead, she shook her head and her fingers tightened around the handle of the car door. “I wasn’t flirting with Antonio… and if he was flirting with me, I didn’t notice.” Not when Carmen was right there, within arm’s reach, for the first time in forty-five days. “I am sorry about making you dump out the drink, though. I was upset and frustrated with you… but the Tom Collins looked really, really good.” She could feel the drinks she had consumed that night ticking at the back of her throat, the taste that was usually mingled with the other woman’s by now. Sneaking away to the back of the bar to press heated kisses against Carmen’s skin during her breaks had always been Sydney’s favorite part of going out with her station.

Finally, she clicked open the car door, only pulling her hand away when it was open to slide the other’s jacket from her arms. It was like peeling away the comfort of a worn blanket and she found herself craving it as soon as it was gone, but she held it out anyway. “I don’t want you to hold back, I never have… I spent a year begging you not to… but putting myself into it all again…” The begging, the smoothing things over, the cycle that seemed to never end. “I don’t know if I can do it…”

[loeathing]

i wanted everything to do with you. something in her chest gave a violent lurch. carmen went completely rigid, a shaky breath catching in her lungs as the words settled over her. of all the things she expected to hear tonight, that hadn't even crossed her mind. "i didn't know that." the admission barely qualified as a sound, her voice reduced to a fragile whisper that dissolved into the evening breeze. and god, it hurt. it hurt knowing that all this time she could have reached out. that sydney would have met her with the same patience and understanding she always had. while carmen had spent forty-five days convincing herself silence was the safer choice, sydney had apparently never stopped wanting her there. the realization sat heavy in her chest. but then again, carmen had never been particularly good at making the right decisions when it mattered most. "i was really shitty to you..." her gaze dropped, unable to hold onto the other's for long. "i wouldn't blame you if you wanted nothing to do with me."

dark orbs tracked sydney's every movement, her feet shifting restlessly against the pavement. every instinct urged her closer, drawn to the familiar scent of vanilla and cedar that always seemed to linger on sydney's skin. but she'd already pushed her luck enough for one night. "i saw the way you looked at him." her grip tightened around the keys in her palm, the metal biting into her skin hard enough to leave crescents behind. a welcome distraction from the memory she couldn't seem to shake — sydney's soft, unguarded smile, the kind that had once been directed at her without hesitation. "the second i walked over, it was like...your whole demeanor changed." there was surprisingly no accusation in her voice. if anything, there was too much understanding. "i mean, i get it, i really do." a humorless laugh slipped free. "but that was the part that really fucking sucked the most." watching it happen. realizing she was no longer the person who could draw that from her. at the mention of liquor, her eyes rolled immediately. "i don't care about the stupid drink, syd." the words came out sharper than she intended, driven by something too raw to soften in time. her expression crumbled a second later. "i care about you."

the second the jacket slipped from the other's arms and into her hands, whatever fragile hope she'd been clinging to began to splinter. the leather felt heavier than it should have. her eyes burned as the realization settled deep in her bones: she could be saying goodbye to the best thing that ever happened to her tonight. her fingers tightened around the jacket, clutching it like it might somehow keep everything from slipping through them. "syd, i don't want to be that person anymore." it all broke from her tongue in a rush. before she could think better of it, she was already closing the distance between them, instinct overriding caution. every part of her knew she should stop, should respect the space sydney had carved out between them. but standing still felt too much like surrender. "i'm so sorry it took me this long to say any of this. i should've said it sooner. i know that." for once, she didn't care how painfully desperate she sounded. because she was desperate. "i swear, if you gave me a chance...this time would be different." her gaze locked onto sydney's, unwavering despite the tears threatening to spill over. "i want to be good for you."

[catastrophicxfailure]

Dani thinking fondly of Carmen was exactly the joke the other woman intended it to be. There was certainly no love lost between the two, despite her own protests otherwise. In a perfect world, the two would have gotten along without any argument — but in a perfect world, she wouldn’t be standing there, in front of brown eyes filled with tears and regret, wondering if her own gaze showed just how tired she was of this dance. “We can obviously do better than poison. You won’t even feel a thing.” Sydney offered a slight lift of her lips, an olive branch for the night. Maybe she didn’t know what Dani was going to do to either of them once she found out about how quickly the blonde may have caved to the other’s tears and apologies, but she definitely had no intention of committing any murder, especially when it came to Carmen.

“He’s smarter than you think, but just to be safe, I’ll make sure he and Dani stay far away from each other so no one gets any bright ideas about your inevitable doom.” Green hues followed the other’s movements, the backs of hands her thumbs have spent hours running against reassuringly, lovingly, wiping tear tracks from her damp cheeks. A breath fell from her lips, whispered in the darkness as the tension in the air dissipated a little more as each second passed.

Then a hand lifted between them, holding still in the empty air, and the alcohol Sydney had that night swirled uncomfortably in her stomach until the brunette’s words caught up with her thoughts. Keys. Right. “Oh.” She swallowed hard and dropped her gaze as she stuffed her own hand into the pocket of the leather jacket and pulled the keys out. The same keys she’d held in her hands so many times before felt foreign and cool in her palm and she hesitantly dropped them into Carmen’s, ignoring the way her skin caught on fire the second it brushed against the other’s. “Thanks. I…” Her words trailed off as she stuffed her hands back into the pockets of the jacket and moved toward the car she knew was Carmen’s (as though she could ever forget it). She paused when they made it, stilling by the door of the side that used to be hers, and faced the other. “Why did it take you forty-five days to say any of this to me? If you didn’t mean what you said before you walked out… why did this take so long?”

[loeathing]

although carmen was grateful they could still fall back on humor, it did little to quiet the thoughts that continued to gnaw at her. in a perfect world, she would've given sydney every part of herself she'd spent so long holding back. maybe then there would've been room for the kind of friendship with dani that she knew sydney had always quietly hoped for. maybe carlos wouldn't have looked at her with that familiar disappointment. maybe none of this would've unraveled the way it had. but perfect worlds had never been carmen's specialty. instead, her pride got in the way. her fear got in the way. and now they were standing in the aftermath of it. "you guys really thought of everything, huh?" her gaze softened as she accepted the olive branch for what it was. just a smile. small, fleeting, probably insignificant to anyone else. to her, it felt like the whole world. "oh, how nice of you." the faintest trace of amusement touched her voice. "i think just to be safe, i'll be sleeping with one eye open."

then the warmth of sydney's fingertips brushed against her palm, and the contact hit her like a live wire. her heart lurched violently against her ribs. it was over almost as soon as it began — no lingering touch, no hesitation, just the briefest graze before it was gone again. somehow, that made it worse. the absence settled in immediately, nearly stealing the breath from her lungs. "you don't have to thank me." giving sydney a ride home was the least she could do. what came after was the part that terrified her. once she dropped her off, she had no idea when she'd see her again. tomorrow. next week. a month from now. not knowing left a hollow ache in her chest, one she promptly shoved aside for later. there would be plenty of time to spiral once she was alone. for now, she turned toward the car, falling into step beside sydney as her fingers curled around the keys in her hand. pathetic, really. all she could do was think about how badly she wished she were holding sydney's hand instead, or any other part of her she could reach. anything at all. some small point of contact to prove she was still there. but she wasn't nearly that lucky.

dark orbs dropped to the key fob, her thumb hovering uselessly over the buttons as the question lingered between them. sooner or later, she'd have to answer it. the truth was, she didn't particularly like the answer herself. realistically, she could have reached out. she should have. instead, everything she should've said came spilling out forty-five days too late. "i wanted to reach out. believe me, i thought about it a million times." carmen shifted, leaning against the side of the car as her fingers busied themselves with the keys, desperate for something to do besides reach for sydney. "and then i noticed you stopped showing up at the bar. i looked for you every time." the keys clicked softly beneath her touch. a nervous rhythm. a distraction from the thoughts threatening to outrun her. she couldn't begin to count the number of times her pulse had jumped at the sight of sydney's station walking through the door, only for her hopes to curdle into disappointment moments later.

"i thought maybe you didn't want anything to do with me, and honestly, i understood that." her jaw tightened. "i wanted to respect it. but i also don't think i trusted myself not to hurt you again." that was the uglier truth. even now, she was terrified of getting it wrong. terrified of saying the wrong thing, reaching too far, falling back into the same patterns that brought them here in the first place. but trying, even imperfectly, felt better than spending the rest of her life wondering if she could've been the person sydney deserved. "then you showed up tonight...and i saw you with antonio." something twisted painfully in her chest at the memory of him and his stupid bar tricks and the way he actually made sydney smile. "i couldn't just stand there and not say anything." her gaze drifted away for a moment before returning to sydney. "i'm so tired of holding back. all i've ever done is hold back."

[catastrophicxfailure]

She knew they weren't going to continue walking. Honestly, she should have expected it from the moment they melted back into each others vicinity, the sticky three feet of wooden bar top no longer between them. She wondered if she'd even be able to move her feet forward after this, however it ended, whatever it became, this moment frozen in time like her feet stayed frozen to the ground, unable to move away from Carmen or closer to Carmen or make her way home and lock herself and her simple heart away in her tiny yellow house forever. Girlfriend. Sydney almost wanted to laugh now and the thick noise that bubbled from her throat almost sounded like one, a stark contrast to the wet, hot tear still streaked and drying down her flushed cheek.

Every time she'd begged Carmen to admit they were something more, every hint she dropped with every single thing she did, every time her hopeful green hues would glance the other's way when someone called them that as they were out and about — and now Carmen relinquishes the word from her lips where it'd been held hostage for the year they'd known each other.

Sydney shook her head, the loose blonde strands that had escaped from her bun swaying as she did. "Oh, she does want to kill you... some of the ways are really creative, I do have to give her some points there. But that's... it's not what I meant." What she meant was the fact that Dani is going to absolutely murder her when she finds out that she's gone and let Carmen back in after everything. Carlos. She missed him. Or, missed him as much as she could considering he still texted her daily... but it wasn't the same without the other woman being there too. "He would... but I'm not going to let him do that." Sydney sniffed, blinking back the last few tears that threatened to fall as she offered the brunette a soft shrug. "His ways are far worse than Dani's, they're sloppy and probably going to land him on a watch list somewhere."

In the midst of her sentence, she felt the touch leave the thick leather on her arm, her gaze falling to Carmen's hands as they lifted, lingered, and then fell to her sides once more. A sharp breath fell from her mouth, a regretful sound of longing if someone listened close enough. The inside of her bottom lip was pulled between her teeth once more and she let the silence of their own frozen bubble roll over them. "Can you drive me home... please?"

[loeathing]

carmen's brow quirked, allowing herself, if only barely, the smallest flicker of humor. she was acutely aware of dani's disdain for her. the woman wasn't exactly discreet about it. not that carmen blamed her. if anything, she was pretty sure dani had every right to hate her, and carmen wouldn't have a leg to stand on in the argument. "oh? is that so?" the corners of her mouth twitched faintly despite herself. "happy she still thinks so fondly of me." because even now with swollen eyes and her heart split open in front of sydney, there was still that familiar edge to her sarcasm. some habits died harder than others. she took a beat, forcing out one last uneven breath as she tried to gather herself back together. having a complete emotional collapse outside of work after hours hadn't exactly been part of the plan. "i know she means well. she's just looking out for you." and god, the thought of sydney's best friend seeing her as a threat to sydney's peace now — that hurt more than she wanted to unpack. "all things considered, let's just hope she doesn't convince you to white oleander me." another weak attempt at humor threading through the exhaustion in her voice.

a soft, damp sound, something dangerously close to a laugh, slipped from her throat. as much as it hurt to see how deeply sydney had woven herself into the small world she shared with her brother, another part of her felt quietly, almost painfully grateful for it. carmen had spent years building that little safe haven for herself and carlos, something small and guarded and entirely theirs. and somehow, somehow sydney had become someone she trusted enough to let inside it. well. hopefully, still. "you make a fair point. i do appreciate you having his best interest in mind." she brushed the last remnants of tears from her face with the backs of her hands, even as the urge to wipe away sydney's lingered stubbornly beneath her skin. "would hate to see him end up on some watch list because i'm a massive idiot, y'know?"

walking and talking seemed to be a lost art form on them. by now, they should've been halfway to the other's house — that little yellow place in the distance with the deeply unsettling lawn gnomes carmen swore she hated, yet grew attached to anyway. instead, they hadn't even managed to make it past the bar. at this rate, driving seemed like the more realistic option. maybe then they'd actually make it from point a to point b without stopping to unravel emotionally. "yeah...of course." she hesitated before extending her hand toward her, boots scuffing lightly against the pavement as she shifted her weight. "i believe you're currently holding my keys hostage." the joke came softer than usual. all she could do was hope it landed. hope maybe, just maybe, it'd earn her that small, sweet smile she'd missed far more than she wanted to admit.

[catastrophicxfailure]

It always was. The words felt like a kick to the chest, the air leaving her lungs in a lurch. She knew it always was, but to hear Carmen say it out loud? To hear her confirm it? Her lip quivered, her chin dimpled as she tried to keep the tears at bay because there was nothing good that was going to come from them both crying in front of the bar this late at night.

"And now you do?" Sydney couldn't help but wonder what changed, what was the other's motive to finally admit that what they had been doing for the last year, the push and the pull, the sharing a bed almost nightly and acts of service they gave, were exactly what a relationship was — and part of her couldn't help but wonder if this was another part of the same push and pull, something that was already successful in dragging the blonde back into Carmen's orbit since the moment the words fell from the woman's lips moments ago.

"I can't stop feeling that way — not about you, never about you. I... tried." She made herself suck in a breath and forced it into her lungs with the admission. Her try had been half an effort at best, much to Dani's chagrin, but after a few weeks of not hearing from Carmen, what was she supposed to do? She shook her head, her tongue darting out against her bottom lip, the remnants of the tear that'd dropped salty and startling mixed with the overwhelming scent of sweet coconut that drew closer. A noise bubbled from her throat as she felt the tentative grasp against her arm and she froze (because the alternative was immediately folding to the touch).

Green hues finally dropped to meet red-rimmed brown, glistening with her own unshed tears. "I just... see you. I wish you could see it too." Her voice was softened with their proximity and it only took seconds for her shoulders to drop and her body to relax in the grasp of the other. A sigh fell from her lips as her eyelids dropped closed, already envisioning how she suspected this was going to end, how she could feel it already ending in the pit of her stomach, even while her chest ached so hopefully. "Dani is really, really going to kill me."

[loeathing]

admitting that what existed between them ran far deeper than anything they shared between the sheets was a feat. after a year of relentless denial, she couldn't blame sydney for questioning the sudden switch up. so when the question settled between them, carmen wasn't surprised. her red-rimmed eyes dropped from sydney's face, avoiding her gaze as she took notice of the tension held beneath her touch — where sydney had once softened so easily for her. "i think i spent too much time being terrified of what it would mean if this was real." her thumb traced slow, absent circles over the worn leather, clinging to the contact for as long as sydney would allow it. "losing this...losing you...put a lot into perspective for me." the breath that left her came uneven before dark orbs lifted to meet glassy green ones again. "i feel really stupid that it took me this long, but i don't want to pretend like the year i spent with you didn't mean anything."

much like sydney, she tried like hell to move on. carmen kept telling herself she'd eventually force her way through it, because what other choice was there after ruining something so completely? but overworking herself hadn't silenced the thoughts. if anything, exhaustion only left her defenseless against them. being surrounded by reminders of sydney she still couldn't bring herself to part with certainly didn't help, and neither did carlos's almost daily reminders of how good sydney had been to her. there were pieces of her still holding tightly onto sydney with a desperate kind of permanence, refusing to loosen their grip. because deep down, carmen had always known the truth: sydney was the best thing that had ever happened to her.

"i'm really sorry i put you through that." the apology felt painfully insufficient the moment it left her mouth. no combination of words could undo the damage she'd caused, nor soften the weight of it sitting between them now. actions mattered more than apologies ever would, and at this point, carmen didn't know how much she was allowed to give. not with the limited time she was allotted tonight. not that she blamed her for the time constraint. earning back even a fraction of that trust would take time. probably more time than sydney was willing to spare her. "you didn't deserve any of it." she forced herself to keep her gaze steady despite the devastation written so openly across sydney's face. "not just that night...everything."

i just see you. the answer was equal parts beautiful and terrifying. no one had ever seen her before. not like this. carmen had spent most of her life making sure of that. keeping people at enough of a distance that they never got close enough to reach the parts of her she didn't know how to expose without flinching. being truly known required a kind of vulnerability she never learned how to survive. and somehow, sydney became the exception. for a moment, carmen could only stare at her, stunned by the fact that sydney still looked at her like she was someone worth keeping after everything.

then the implication behind her next words settled in. carmen froze around it entirely, suspended in the space between disbelief and desperate hope, trying to figure out if she imagined it. whether her mind had twisted sydney's words into something softer, something kinder. because the alternative, the possibility they were real, felt far too impossible to touch. silence stretched between them, filled only by the rush of wind, the zipping of passing cars, the faint electric buzz of dying streetlights overhead. how was she supposed to focus on anything else now that there was even the slightest chance this might not be the end?

"you — what?" she blinked, brows pulling together as her lips dipped into a brief, bewildered pout. under any other circumstance, maybe she would've laughed. maybe she would've let herself hide behind humor the way she usually did when things became too real. but the words caught her too off guard for that. "i think you mean she'd kill me." the correction came automatically before realization settled in, making her stumble over herself quickly. "not that i'd give her a reason to. i just...i know i haven't exactly been great in the girlfriend department." her fingers tapped lightly against sydney's arm, tentative and restless. girlfriend. the word felt unfamiliar in her mouth, strange in the way all honest things seemed to be. "if it's any consolation, i'm pretty sure carlos would beat dani to it if i fucked up again."

without thinking, her hands lifted instinctively, drawn toward sydney's face like muscle memory. she stopped herself at the last second, fingers hovering awkwardly in the space between them as uncertainty settled hard in her chest. was this too much now? were they still allowed softness like that? the hesitation won. her hands dropped back down at their original position as she shifted awkwardly on her feet. "i really don't want to mess this up."

[catastrophicxfailure]

”So it was a relationship?” The question came out small, barely a whisper, and she felt exactly like Carmen as her attention stuck on just one part of everything the other had said. It’d been impossible not to, after all, considering it was the first time she’d ever heard what they were doing referred to by the word relationship from the other woman. In fact, Sydney was sure Carmen had specifically stated it wasn’t a relationship several times. What was she supposed to do? Ignore it?

The only thing she regretted about the question was the fact that it’d been in past tense — because god, did she wish they still had a chance.

(And maybe the small amount of hope that had bled through in her voice, as though she needed nothing more than confirmation that a relationship is what they’d been doing.)

Sydney sucked her top lip between her teeth, pressure sinking down against the soft skin just enough to ground her, but not enough to draw blood. She waited. The sound of the few cars still on the road at that hour flitting around them, the chill in the breeze crawling along her neck and brushing against the baby hairs peeking out from the work bun her hair was still pulled up into. Her hands, still aching to reach out and wipe the visible tears from the other’s cheeks, tucked into the pockets of the leather jacket that didn’t belong to her, yet felt like home all the same. Fingers wrapped around the cigarette box inside, grasping it like she wanted to grasp Carmen in that moment. A tear escaped her own green hues before she had the chance to blink it away.

“It wouldn’t have disappeared… how could it? Every single thing I did in the last year was because I had so much love for you and nowhere to put it… it was always there and it was never, ever going anywhere.” She breathed out and her gaze finally fell from the other woman’s, as though she couldn’t handle watching their train wreck any longer. “And as stupid as it is, it still hasn’t, not even now, not after everything you said to me. My love isn’t conditional, Carmen. Love isn’t supposed to be.”

[loeathing]

funny how quickly the tables turned. focus shifted toward confirming whatever it was they shared instead of acknowledging everything else that had been said. not exactly surprising after carmen spent an entire year avoiding what they had become. she fought sydney on it every step of the way, stupidly denying the truth right up until the very end. but there was no outrunning it anymore. "it always was." something she never thought she'd have the guts to admit. her lips pressed tightly together as she fought off the tremor threatening to surface. "i just...didn't know how to admit it."

of course she had the worst possible timing. carmen could've admitted the truth at any point during the year they spent together. she should have. in typical carmen fashion, the realization didn't strike until it was far too late. at least sydney knew now. she owed her that much.

carmen could barely keep herself together when sydney broke in front of her. all she could see was the woman she'd left wrecked forty-five days ago. her hands ached to reach out, desperate to wipe the tear away before more could follow. but there were boundaries in place now. so instead, she crossed her arms, calloused fingers gripping tightly against her biceps, pretending she was shielding herself from the chill of the night and not fighting the overwhelming urge to comfort sydney.

then those words slipped from the other's lips, meant to quiet her fears. and although they did, they also made her feel shittier for how easily she had hurt the one person who had shown her nothing but love and impossible patience. "you still feel that way?" the question came out almost involuntarily, quiet enough to dissolve into the breeze. her fingers twitched against her biceps, the urge to reach out growing stronger than she knew how to manage.

"syd—" despite how hard she'd been trying to remind herself to keep her distance, her arms unraveled before she could stop them. the movement was clumsy, uncertain, her hand reaching out almost awkwardly as she finally made contact with sydney's arm, fingertips smoothing over worn leather. her leather. it looked far better wrapped around sydney than it ever had on her. "look at me, please." she gave her arm a gentle squeeze, no longer sure whether she was trying to comfort sydney or herself. "i don't know what the hell you see in me. i really don't." because how could this woman manage to love her when she'd been so cruel? "i don't know how to do this...but if there's something still there...i want to learn. i know i don't deserve it, but i don't think i could live with myself if i didn't...at least try."

[catastrophicxfailure]

She choked down amusement as the other voiced that she was only trying to understand, a laugh that would have been ill-timed, but she felt it all the same. Sydney was trying to understand too and it felt a bit more rightfully earned on her side of things. Carmen had forty-five days to try and understand, to work through this all for herself, and for a moment while sitting at that bar, watching the jealousy and desperation mar the woman’s features, she thought that she maybe had worked her way to understanding at least a little of what went wrong.

“Then I want you to believe me when I tell you that I don’t see you as broken or as something needing to be fixed.” Sydney should have pulled herself away, should have put a stop to this before she got sucked back in again — but there she was, aching to reach out, to close the few inches of space between them, like a moth drawn to a flame. Maybe she never really got over the self-destructive tendencies she had as a teen, they just… manifested in a different way, in a way that crushed her heart again and again and she couldn’t get enough of it. Her hand reached out and settled on the other’s forearm of its own accord. Moth, meet flame. “I promise.”

While she wasn’t able to keep herself from reaching out to the other, she did force her hand back after a gentle squeeze, because if she hadn’t she knew she would have taken Carmen fully into her grasp as the next words spilled from the other’s lips. Her hand fell lamely by her side as her stomach churned, brow furrowing with her own heated tears threatening to spill. Her head shook in defiance and all she wanted was for Carmen to take the words she said about herself back.

“I thought I’d feel better hearing you tell me everything was your fault… but I don’t.” Nothing about how the brunette spoke about herself made Sydney feel better. “I hate hearing you say stuff like that — but I hated the stuff you said to me too. I just… I don’t know what to do with all of this, I don’t know what you want to do with this.” A breath fell from her lips, warm in the cool air around them, the remnants of her earlier drinks on her tongue. Her bottom lip quivered, just slightly, but noticeable enough. “I just wish you’d let yourself be loved, you deserve that much, even if you don’t think so.”

[loeathing]

believing sydney didn't see her as damaged goods came easier than expected. believing it about herself was the impossible part. over the past year, carmen had come to know sydney too well — far more deeply than she had ever intended. she knew the cadence of her sincerity, knew when her words carried real weight behind them. that was the thing about sydney: she always looked at carmen like she was something worth holding onto, something worth cherishing, even in moments when carmen deserved the opposite. and somehow, even now, sydney was offering her comfort she wasn't convinced she earned. "okay." the word came out painfully fragile in a way she instantly hated.

she went still the moment warmth met her skin, her breath snagging sharply in her throat as sydney's fingers curled so delicately around her forearm. the tenderness of it unraveled her instantly. her vision blurred beyond recovery, tears slipping free before she could blink them back. "i believe you." as desperately as she wanted to lean into the touch, to let herself have even a second longer of it, she knew it was fleeting. so when sydney's hand withdrew, the ache it left behind settled deep in her chest. still, carmen understood. this was all sydney could give her right now, and even that felt like far more grace than she deserved. she nodded once, jerkily — a silent acknowledgement that she understood the boundary being drawn and wouldn't ask for a sliver more.

"but it is my fault, syd. i had a month and a half to accept that." throwing herself headfirst into both jobs hadn't silenced any of it. if anything, it only gave the thoughts more room to echo. every cruel thing she'd said, every time she'd pushed sydney away, every moment sydney had met her hurt with impossible patience and forgiveness — it all replayed in relentless loops she couldn't shut off. "it's the truth. i wish it wasn't. i wish this was just some normal...relationship bullshit." a choked, humorless laugh broke from her throat. funny how she could finally call it a relationship now that she'd already ruined it. "but i'm just...so fucked in the head." her voice cracked around the words. "i can't — i can't pretend that isn't the truth." by now the tears were falling freely, warm tracks slipping down her face faster than she could think to hide them. she almost lifted a hand to wipe them away, but the effort felt pointless. "i don't know..." she admitted weakly, shaking her head once.

the only thing carmen knew for certain was that she fucked this up beyond recognition, and she no longer knew if there was any coming back from that — or if she'd ever be given the chance to try. selfishly, she wanted to ask for one more shot at getting this right, one more chance to hold onto whatever this had been before she tore holes through it with her own hands. but she had already taken so much from sydney. and still, sydney stood there offering her grace she couldn't comprehend. telling her she deserved to be loved like it was something simple, something unquestionable. something carmen herself had never managed to believe.

"i don't know how to do that..." maybe it was the kind of thing she should unpack in therapy — if she actually had a therapist instead of just finding new ways to avoid herself. "it's like..." she swallowed hard, struggling to keep her gaze from breaking away. "i'm always waiting for it to disappear or something." a strained, broken sound escaped her throat. "i mean, it did," she admitted, voice cracking around her words. "but that's my fault. i kept trying to convince myself i didn't need you...i do, though. i really do."

[catastrophicxfailure]

Sydney watched as the moment crumbled before her (as though it were going so well to begin with). Footsteps halted on the dirty sidewalk, the night air thickened with tension that weighed the chilly breeze to a stop. Leave it to Carmen to latch onto the one thing she’d tried to joke about, her own little pity party of one. “That was your takeaway? From everything I just said?” Her brow furrowed as she turned to face the other, but it was difficult to ignore the aching in her chest.

Carmen being someone who needed fixing would require her to be broken in the first place and the blonde would smash her own heart a thousand times before she’d ever let the other believe that.

She stepped forward, just once, but enough to close most of the distance between them. Her breath caught in her throat at the scent of coconut and the hint of engine oil beneath the cover of the alcohol the woman had been serving all night. In the past, Sydney wouldn’t have hesitated to take soft cheeks between her palms, to make dark brown eyes look at hers as she did everything to reassure Carmen she wasn’t broken, that there was nothing needing to be fixed.

Instead, her movements fell short and her hands came together instead, as though they were holding themselves back from the touch they really craved. “I didn’t mean it. I’m just… frustrated and mad at myself… mostly for thinking that things would get better if I stuck it out — if I gave you more time.” More chances. So many more chances. She never thought she’d reach the limit of chances she’d be willing to give Carmen… and then she did. Forty-five days ago. “You’re not someone who needs to be fixed. You’re not broken.”

[loeathing]

the muscle in her jaw loosened, a faint tremor catching at the corner of her lips that she neither acknowledged nor tried to steady. once again, she misinterpreted the moment — unintentional, but no less damaging. sydney's joke landed harder than it should have, striking something she hadn't meant to expose. beneath it all lingered the fear she never quite named. that she was irreparable. that something in her had been left out of the blueprint entirely, like she was missing the tools required to be the person sydney needs. carmen wanted, more than she knew how to articulate, to be someone different. someone who didn't recoil at the slightest hint of tenderness. someone who didn't run whenever this not-a-relationship became too real to hold.

"i'm just trying to understand." the guilt that was settled in her gut from her own overreaction now doubled in size. where relief should have come easily, dread took its place instead. before everything had gone to shit, she wouldn't have hesitated. she would've reached for her without thinking, felt the frantic rhythm of her pulse beneath her fingertips, let her hands settle in the warmth of sydney's like they belonged there — like two pieces that were never meant to exist apart. but she had lost the right to that kind of ease forty-five days ago. so she stayed where she was, awkward and unsteady, while sydney closed the distance and filled the space between them. "i care how you see me, syd. that matters to me."

as much as carmen wished she could brush off that frustration, like she did so flippantly in the past, she finally understood it now. trying to keep pace with her constant push and pull was an exhausting game, one she couldn't expect sydney to keep playing forever. "i was selfish. you should've never had to wait on me like that." she'd lost count of how many times she'd pull sydney close only to push her back again, and how easily she'd been forgiven each time. somewhere in the blur of their year of whatever this was, she had never stopped long enough to consider what it looked like from the outside. how cruel it might have been. and realizing it now only made it worse.

"...maybe i am." the words fractured as they rolled off her tongue, splintering under the weight of everything she couldn't quite hold together. her composure unraveled faster than she could contain it, her eyes stinging with unshed tears as she fought to keep her gaze steady. "what we had was good, y'know?" her voice wavered. "but it was like...every time we got too close..." she exhaled sharply, shaking her head as frustration curled through her. "i just — i had to fuck it up." more than anything, carmen hated herself for that. "i don't —" carmen swallowed hard, glancing away for a second before forcing herself back. "i don't know why i do that...i just do. i never wanted us to end up here. i just — i couldn't stop myself, and it sucks. it really fucking sucks." an understatement. a pathetic one. "i swear i didn't mean it when i told you i didn't want this, syd. but the thing i said about it being me?" there was a small, defeated shake of her head. "it's always been me. i know that, and i'm so fucking sorry."

[loeathing]

finally got back from my trip, so i'm off mobile! drained as hell though. replies will come tomorrow! i haven't forgotten anyone.