Who am I? (Trigger warning!!!!)
Warnings: Angst, mentions of rape and abuse, fluffy ending)
Summary: You can’t let go of the past, and he was part of your past after all. Nothing but pain and walking on eggshells, Bucky is there to help you forget.
Notes: This is very personal since I’m still trying to find peace with my past, please don’t read it if it triggers you. Stay safe <3 It’s also very short but oh well.
There you sat on the kitchen table, a small glass filled with Tony’s scotch in one hand and your phone in the other, 4: 24 AM and no sleep in sight, since the breakup you turned to alcohol. The past kept you up, when you were younger, you always thought: How can women be like that? How can they stay in such a relationship even if their partner is bringing them nothing but pain? Looking back, you saw what he did to you, talked you down, called you dumb, and tried to shatter your family. Not to forget the one thing you realized even later, way too late even, that rape didn’t just happen with strangers. You could prevent it back then but what if you hadn’t been able to and what about the women that couldn’t? The guilt crawled up your back, what if I’m just overreacting? You shook your head trying to wake you from those thoughts.
You didn’t hear the steps approaching from behind but you did hear the screeching of the chair being pulled from the table. With wide eyes, you looked up to see Bucky sitting down across from you. “Couldn’t sleep?” He asked in his raspy voice, still filled with sleep. It sends a shiver down your spine. “I could ask you the same” His eyes looked tired and he was probably only up because of a nightmare. A sigh escaped your lips and your gaze met with your glass. “It’s been days since I had a full night of sleep.” Tears began to blur your vision but you made sure to hide them away. “Don’t be so dramatic.” Shot through your head. “It’s not that bad, I have problems too.” That’s what he had always told you, once you tried to open up. How could you stay 3 years together with that jerk?
“You okay doll?” His voice ripped you out of your mind and for a moment you thought about it, your heart began to pound against your rips, breathing became harder and harder until you finally couldn’t hold it in anymore. You wanted to scream but all that came out was just heavy sobbing and all the tears you always held back every day for the last couple of weeks so no one would think you’re weak and you made sure to try extra hard with everything, so no one would think you’re dumb and don’t forget to be extra nice too, so they would like you. Bucky stared at you in shock silent for a moment until he got up and walked over to you everything seemed unreal in your panic and his steps were distant. He kneeled down to your level, his heart heavy from the sight in front of him. “May I touch you?” Your sobbing only got louder as you threw your arms around his neck, almost kicking away the chair under you. You landed in his lap. “I - I just want to be n - normal.” You got out in between your breathing and the sobbing. He laid his arms around your waist and pulled you close to his chest. You hated to be seen like that, weak and vulnerable. “You are perfectly normal Doll and so much more. You’re so beautiful and kind and… just everything one could wish for.” With your face buried in his chest, you could hear his heartbeat, it was fast but steady, somewhat calming. “I am e - everything but that.” You whimpered and he only pulled you closer. “You’re blind to whatever is going on around you.” You sniffled and wiped away a few tears with the help of your sweater. “What do you mean?” You asked quietly and he placed a small but sweet kiss on your forehead. “I planned a nice dinner with you to tell you this but I guess I can make an exception.” He wiped the new tears with his thumb away and raised your chin so you would look straight into his eyes.
“You mean more than anything else to me and I couldn’t imagine a life without you anymore. I truly love you doll and so do the others. Maybe not like I do but in their special way.” You could feel how your breathing quieted down a bit and the tears of pain and sorrow became those of happiness. “Bucky I- ” You let out a sob but continued “I love you too”
A smile appeared on his lips and his hand rested on your cheek. “Now shush darling, how about we cuddle up, maybe watch a movie? To get your mind off things? You nodded but couldn’t let go of him not yet. Not even a few seconds later you felt how Bucky swept you off your feet, literally. He would carry you straight back to your room, making sure you wouldn’t feel alone and sad anymore.
