She’s so beautiful, breathtaking. My heart stops when I see her. All the color, all the light all the oxygen is sucked right out of me when I set my eyes on her. She’s got this strong face.. not strong in a masculine way.. authorative and striking, full cheeks, the softest most kissable cheeks I’ve ever felt.…if there’s a room full of people you would notice her first. She’s got golden glowing skin its funny..she hates not being tan.. but to me…, to everyone. she always glowing. A high dazzling yellow with a touch of aurus gold. She eminates radiance and the utmost astuteness. She can make you feel like you’ve been friends for ages, congenial warm and happy, inviting and joyful.. or she can peirce right through you, size you up, and discard you in seconds. In a single glance with those gorgeous elictrifying, magnetizing clear gleaming cerulean eyes… and you know that she knows who you are and what you’ve done. Her hair… I love her hair. It fits her. Blonde, with light streakings of grey barely noticeable, (although she thinks otherwise) I run my fingers through it so often feathered and downy and full, it smells so good… her wcent, not the perfume or detergent or soap but her scent.. is like ichor to me. i gaze at her world stopping presence every chance I get, if even for a moment to drink her in. She is funny, smart, intellectual, knows everything there is to know about everything. Confident and stunningly beautiful from head to toe. Her body… supple and firm… shes worked, lifted, carried, toted, saddled.. never lets anyone pull her weight no matter how much she wants to, or how tired or grumpy she is, the fact that she would even want to compels her to push through it even more, and yet will load pounds and stride miles for others. Adventurous and thrill seeking… Yet soft. Her skin, Creamy and heavenly , like the brush of delicate silk… she bruises so easily, it drives mad, the gently entoxicating flesh that I thirst to caress, that has weathered so much can bruise. Just. Like. That. Her legs… amazing calves, strong and shapely, I crave to touch and massage away all that work. But she needs that. She needs her strength, her signity, her control…. Her hands, they make me giggle, they’re so small compared to mine ^_^ thin fingers leading down to broad knuckles and light small calluses from doing and living the life she’s had to and now the life she wants to, camping,fishing, building, fixing satisfying that urge and need of independence and self reliance partly because it’s fulfilling and satisfying… partly of out of trained habit and need. She is not a patient woman, she’s efficient, methodical, controlled and controlling. They’re soft, the skin on them thinning, a natural thing the body does in the aging process, so many people, herself included find it unsightly, depressing, the “youth” they once knew slowly fading away. I find it..natural, comforting, alluring even. there’s very little of that. Natural untouched and genuine. Beautiful. Her palms so deep, hands of healers. Not the gentle healer.. the heroic healer, the palms of fire fighters and officers and rescuers. The calm reassuring confident strength.. and her little shapely thumbs. I love those especially. Feeling them brush across the back of my hand.. I love kissing them. Every knuckle, every digit. Every pad. so firm, so strong, so dedicated. The body of a goddess. Athena herself. She’s always happy always seeing and looking for the bright side always manuvering and figuring out how to fix to mend to bond.. Her smile and laugh literally lights up a room. Large and with beautiful porcelain teeth, feigned innocence to eye watering indubitably. anyone and everyone she meets loves her or fears her instantly. Her energy is so strong and light and safe or so firm and martial. She always makes me feel safe, just being around her, near her…. I’m so relaxed and at ease around her. She does what she wants and never asks for permission or forgiveness. Yet she’s fair and just… as much as she can be after as much as shes seen. She has strong morals and even stronger opinions, shes stubborn by nature and by defense and habit She loves sunshine and a good time and lives on the edge but knows and lives her limits. She’s hearty and sunny and full and filling. But she hides…. she’s scared. Terrified. so much so that she blocks me out. She’s a drinker and when she drinks. Sometimes it worries me.. but never for long She’s a happy drunk, even more fun loving, even more filling. She’s terrified and angry at times. She blames herself for the peices of her past for letting her self love and laugh and trust and explore and connect.She blames herself for being human. For feeling… “what if” “I should have known” “I should have saw”..
Feelings are beautiful they’re raw,natural,uncontrollable and unpredictable. No matter what you do, how hard you try. You can never fully control them. Stifle them, tamp them down but only from moment to moment. Incident to incident. Experience to experience. She’s been hurt so much by so many people in so many of the deepest ways.. she has seen so much… and it’s wore on her. The hurt, the anger, the let down the mistrust, the attachment and being ripped away from the people she loves… that is her foundation now. Those are her walls.
She’s independent and fierce and strong. In every way. And I just want to love her.
I don’t want to fix her. I don’t want to change her. I love her for all of her. What I can heal, if she allows me I will. But I love her and am in love with her, because of who she is. The fascinating, alluring, charming, admirable marvelous, fierce, intimidating, selfish, commanding, short, profound, neutral, relaxed, warry, fun loving, sunny, distant, brash, aloof unbound human being that she is. Here I am. Young in age. torn and worn down, vulnerable and distrustful. Hurt and raw, empty in so many places and so many ways. Im detached. I cant connect, out of fear, out of anger, out of painful, scarring memories from every single person Ive ever met. From the time i was born. I’ve never been nurtured, never been held or called beautiful, or felt any sort of safety. I didn’t have parents. I was always left. Pushed around from place to place. I’ve had caretakers, kind and gentle, some motherly, some brash and dutiful, some pitying yet tough and unyeilding women. Women who have been used and left and have had no choices in life to be anything other than what they were,are amd have taught. I have no attachment or connection save through blood to anyone in this world. I never have been truly loved. A truly loved and wanted baby, welcomed into open arms. I was welcomed into disdain… bred and not created into abandonment and forced responsibility and disgust. It saddens me. Because I see what it has done to me. What it had turned me into. At times it is difficult… a struggle to be proud of myself but I am. I am beautiful. I am courageous, adaptable, intelligent, free thinking, comically dramatic, enlightening, comforting, protective and strong, loyal beyond measure, fiery and passionate, good natured and frail, high strung, anxious, depressed and dark, all knowing yet clueless, clumsy and forgetful yet methodical, germaphobic, yet messy, heavy, listless, weary, lazy, vain, haughty, a diva, a queen, natural and masked., lonely and distant, lucky, blessed, grateful and humble. I am many things. But I am at most. Loving and tolerant. That is and forever will be my nature. I’ve never been loved. Things that people never get or obtain will either seek it out or avoid it all together. I go through periods of both. Always going back to craving to love and care about and for someone. That is a fact. I’ve been liked, tolerated, “useful” serviceable,.. trapped.. but never wanted. Never loved. And yet I love. Feircly, passionately,…blindly. It is a gift and a downfall. I’ve sought after love my whole life. Every time I think I’ve found it. I give it my all. I bury myself and stretch and break and bend and mold… and it’s not it. It’s not love. It’s just a false sense of. All the things I want to do for the one I love I get to do and it is fulfilling to me.. and then the realization comes. That I’m serving a purpose and not being served. That I’m a filler. A bed warmer, a cook, a maid, a nanny, a dog walker, a house sitter, a gardener. Paid in kisses and lies and deciet in every relationship. I can’t go through that again. She’s afraid to let me love her. She pushes away my care. My concern… she’s made amazing huge strides from when we first met. I try so hard. Every day every second to hold that in. To swallow as much as I can. I cant hold her whenever I or we want, I can’t kiss her, our time is limited and there always the day after. I feel naked with her. I’ve given so much. That is my choice. But to give freely?… I don’t know if I’m wanted or missed, without asking, I don’t know if I’m invited because I’m wanted or out of duty. I don’t know of I’m here to occupy… none of it is expressed. I express my love and affection. I hide gifts or cook or offer a massage or a drink, I make a bed, I shift my pillows, I pull you her closer, I learn to cook over easy eggs. because I can’t tell you. I can’t say it. I can’t display it. I’m limited. But I try. I try so hard to help you to feel welcome and comfortable and relaxed. I am in no way desperate. I don’t need. I want. I want you and all of you. And you keep me at bay. You let me in little by little and I die every time. you give me the option of leaving. And if I said I would… would you chase me? Would you ask me to stay? Or would you let me go because I’m saying that. Because I’m hurt and frustrated and I just need fuel. I need something to go on to keep going. Unsolicited… what am I worth to you? It upsets you and frustrates you when I ask this. It’s never the right time to ask. I always feel that I ruin things. That im intruding… my defense? I shrink. I stop. I shut down. Because I am a nuisance and i don’t matter. I’m not worth effort of keeping around. Of being wanted. That’s what I have been treated like. And taught and told my whole life. My entire life. Too much of a bother as a child to feed. Too much as a toddler to provide time or affection or words of affirmation. You give me some of that and I soak it up. I lock it away and store it. Because when will I get it again. Am I secure? Or am i a passing pleasure… I will never ask you to choose. Show me. Show me how I am different and special than others. Or tell me how you have been showing me. Perhaps I don’t understand your affection or methods of caring. What do I get that no one else gets? Besides sex…. am I even worth love making? People say I should leave. That I’m wasting my time. That I’m being used and hurt. I see… that I am loving. Trying very hard to love. To appreciate to care for to adjust to compromise to learn and grow. I’m seeing the adventures I’m going on with amazing people and an amazing person, the lessons I learn, the reflection and personal growth and stimulation and intimacy. Things that I’ve never had. I don’t want to be so hurt that I’m cold and distant and indifferent. I don’t want you to change. Adjust yes… but never change. I don’t want to prohibit goals or interfere negatively with your life. But i don’t want to hide me. I don’t want to pretend like I’m not there. Like we’re not really together until after we’ve had shots. I don’t want have to take a walk or a pill because your afraid of me. Afraid of my reactions or slipping and calling you babe in front of people, or wanting to hold your hand, or answering questions about me.. sometimes I feel like I’m hiding in plain sight. Even when there is no need to. And it makes me feel awful. Seeing you squirm just because im in the room… I abide because it bothers you and I want nothing more than to make you happy and be happy with you and be comfortable and be comfortable with you. how can we both have what we want? I don’t want anyone else. If it were anyone else we would not have come this far. At all. I know I have the option of leaving. You remind me of that often. And that in itself hurts even more. Do you want me to? Are you hoping I will so you won’t have to do it? … or is this a 3am emotional rant. That will make you feel uncomfortable and stressed and distant from me. I’ve been being so honest with you. To the point that it hurts. Am I your girl friend or am i…. just londen.