Lina | 23 | She/Her

Diary | Doodles | Decor

[lone-dawn]

Life Update?

I saw my dad today and he offered me money and/or employment. I said no. I'm recieving welfare atm and he compared that to being a beggar. When I first ran away he expected me to come crawling back to him begging for money. I would rather depend on the state than on him. I didn't wanna tell him I took off my hijab to protect my sister from any reaction he might have. But I think next time I see him I'll be ready. Which is already in like a month.

I also had a fight with suomeone i considered my best friend for around 5 years. I'm not ready for things to be over between us but we agreed we need some space. She's been attacking me and I've done my best to hold back and not have it turn from a disagreement to an argument. I just wanted to express my feelings, but I guess that's not an option. Everything revolves around her. I just expressed that I felt like she's been judging me and she went crazy on me.

Idk I feel like I have a lot to say but I don't really know how to continue, but I hope I do right by myself and come clean to my dad and that my friend either either sees her mistake and does right by me or it will honestly be a relief to be rid of her. She's alqays been there for me but we've both dragged each other down. I don't think we're that good for each other and I think I'm trying to grow while she's trying to keep me stuck.

[lone-dawn]

Demons are Home

When the crowd leaves

And the drugs lose their effect

You'll be back to square one

An emotional wreck

You can try to show off

All your friends and your fun

But it will mean nothing

When they're all gone

And you still feel the void

Deep within your soul

Making you feel

Like you'll never be whole

So let down your guard

Let the darkness roam

This is the real you

Your demons are home

And I will love you

Through grey and black

So that the light

Can find its way back

I'm all you have

Forver by your side

Because I am you

And you don't need to hide

Let it all show

So that you can feel

Everything you need to

In order to heal

[lone-dawn]

I feel comfortable being vulnerable on tumblr because no one i know personally follows me and I wanna say

I wanna fall in love

I dont know why the urge is suddenly so strong... if its because ive been single for 2 years or i only seem to spot the couples or because I got a taste of what could be with a man i fell for too quickly that left and still leaves me confused

I feel like looking back at my life truly some of the best feelings have been romantic love

I dont know if ive been conditioned to feel like romantic love is above everything else or if there really is a true scale of happiness where romantic love ranks at the top

I deserve to feel love and give love and I want to find the right partner to do that its about time i got the chance and that i find the forever im looking for

[lone-dawn]

Puzzle Pieces

I thought the world was a puzzle

And I was a piece

That had to find it's place

In the right crease

But now I see

That the world is a mess

And if you seek perfection

You'll be left in distress

There is no right place

Where you will just fit in

You need to make it yourself

Not wait for a win

Start with yourself

Put your own pieces together

Don't wait on a knight

Or for better weather

Once you're put together

And you know your worth

You'll feel more at home

On this bitch of an earth

[lone-dawn]

Rant Post

Okay since I currently don't have a therapist and don't feel like unloading on 1 person I'm just gonna write it all out here

I'm agnostic. I'm bisexual. I'm a leftist. I'm a feminist.

These are the labels I've figured out for myself. But I still relate to the labels that I was born with. I'm an ex-muslim and I'm partially Syrian. And I love Syrian and Arabic music and talking Arabic and I'm still emotionally attached to my Arab friends who could probably never accept me fully. Like I know what I want to "pick and choose" from the culture I grew up with. It just sucks that to most that is unacceptable. That you're either Western and Liberal or Arab and Muslim Conservative. I'm sure there are a lot of people like me that exist and I wish I could find them. And I'm still emotionally attached to my old friends that harbor bigoted views. And I know the right thing to do is to cut them off. But if I do then I'm left with no one. And I told myself with every new person I meet I'm gonna be honest about who I am and I've been trying to. But one Syrian guy I dated (and uncontrollably crushed on for a while) asked me if I could accept my brother if he was gay and I had to stop and think about my answer. Not because I didn't know the answer (the answer is yes, obviously) but because I didn't know what he wanted to hear. Anyway great now I'm thinking about that guy again who I thought was such an awesome person and I'm sad I'm probably never gonna see him again and I don't even understand what went wrong between us.

[lone-dawn]

I've been building up this tough exterior of who I want to be. And honestly it's not even that convincing. The little insecure girl shows through everything. The one that just wants to be loved and succeed and is afraid of ending up alone. But that's okay. The tough me loves her. It shouldn't be a fight between them. The tough me won't get stronger by trying to strangle the little girl. Tough me will get stronger by accepting the little girl. They're not contradicting each other. When the little girl shows herself tough me is being more true to herself. Because we're all just kids the world convinced have to act grown up.

[lone-dawn]

hi beautiful !!!

Hey babeee 💖

[lone-dawn]

Anyway here's a photo of myself from yesterday that I really liked and tumblr is the only place I currently dare post pictures without my hijab 🥰 and I'm not going to crop it to hide my stomach fat or edit it in anyway 🥰

[lone-dawn]

Lust

I crave the feel

Of skin on skin

To fill the void

I feel within

So close your eyes

Let's begin

Hold my hand

And stroke my chin

Pull me close

And let's give in

To the lust we feel

The ultimate sin

[lone-dawn]

23

I'm gonna have my shit together by age twenty three

And it's gonna be a sight for y'all to see

In a couple months you're gonna wish you were me

Living my life being young and free

Gonna have the job I've hoped for

And a small studio near the shore

With every shot I take I score

Picked myself off the floor

I swear

I'm gonna get there

No time to spare

I'm gonna get there

Gonna be my new life

I am able to survive

And get to the next stage

It's gonna be my age

Twenty three

When I can be true to me

[lone-dawn]

World of Gray

I envy people who see the world in black and white

People who can tell wrong from right

When all I see is a world of gray

With no way of seeing the right way

I just want to make my own mistakes

And see what heals and see what breaks

And make my choices based on effect

Before I choose to keep up or neglet

The values instilled in me as a child

Because I'm tired of having to hide

Behind the face you want to see

That keeps you from seeing me

I already know what I don't believe in

What's left is just the place I fit in

So please give me the freedom to try

The things I yearn for before I die

And leave me to dance and hurt and fall

And sing and cry and try it all

To find myself in the great big world

And find the comfort in the hurt

And see the black from the white

Like I can tell day from night

[lone-dawn]

Just got to Basel, Switzerland and the first ad that I saw was like an A4 ad on a bus that said something along the lines of "stupid questions to say to someone coming out: but you don't look trans" followed with a photo of 4 trans persons holding signs that said together "trans has many faces" and it honestly made me so happy ugh I love this city ❤️❤️ hope all my trans people have a safe and happy day being themselves

[lone-dawn]

To my Fucking Ex

Leave me the fuck alone

I've told you a million times before

You're unwelcome here

Stop trying to break open the same door

I see through your bullshit

You claim is about love and care

I know it's manipulation

Don't come near me don't dare

I'm no longer the stupid girl

That falls for your tricks

I'm a woman with anger

And I'll fucking throw bricks

Don't claim to love me

When you can't even show respect

I'll cut you I swear

I'll come for your neck

I know it's you

Stop creeping on my socials

I want you gone

And I'll be fucking vocal

Get over it

It's been over a year

How many more times

Do I have to make it clear

I swear if you weren't hiding

Behind fake names

I'd have shamed you a long time ago

To stop your stupid games

You lost the best thing

You could have ever had

But there's no chance in hell

You'll ever win be back

So fuck you

You controlling piece of shit

I don't regret leaving you

Not one single bit

I wish I'd never met you

In the first place

Leave me alone

Don't ever show your face

[lone-dawn]

Proud of Progress

I'm so proud of myself for how far I've come

So proud of the woman I have become

I am content with the voice in my head

And I trust it to lead me ahead

So I'll keep showing myself love

Helping myself rise above

All of my past mistakes

Slowly healing all of my aches

Because when I think back to who I was

I see I've learnt to fight for my own cause

And even though I'm far from perfection

And I sometimes lack direction

I'm still out here growing

With more of my true colors showing

And I'll try to shed all of my dead skin

That no longer represents the mentality I'm in

And someday I'll look back here and be proud

That I kept working to be more loud

[lone-dawn]

I wonder if God ever lived as a man

To see how it feels to be what he began

I wonder if he ever put himself in my place

If he knows what it means to wear my face

I wonder if he has to abide by his own rules

Or if they are only meant to be followed by fools

How could he decide what is wrong and right

If he differs from us in fundamental plight

How can he judge the essence of our souls

If he has never had to live in our roles

And how does he come to decide

Who gets what recources as a guide

The world is unfair and full of hate

And I don't understand what makes him great

[lone-dawn]

[lone-dawn]

Okay Here

I've come a long way

Just to be okay

I don't need to be great

Or try to challenge fate

It's enough to be here

And have my head clear

Doing the best with what I've got

Giving life my best shot

Letting go of the past

Knowing nothing can last

No time to worry

But no need to hurry

All in it's own time

I will earn what is meant to be mine

I will fight to get

What i haven't achieved yet

But for today

I am okay

With how things are

At a low bar

Defeating the demons in my head

And loving sleep in my own bed