emi

who knows really

[thesmellofdustafterrain42]

The guy who owns the junkyard a few blocks from here : Hey what the fuck

[hatin]

Better days are coming 

[neckkiss]

Barfly (1987)

[lonelytimelady]

“i’m old, and my teeth used to be really nice, but then i started smoking. and i’m really self-conscious. i’m old, you see, i’m 35 and i’m old.”

[plumslices]

It matters because I gave it meaning bitch

[eldr1tchh0und]

want to be held tight. their fingers running through my hair, gently kissing my forehead. want to feel safe and protected.

[lonelytimelady]

200722

možná nad tim jenom moc přemýšlim

sedim tu holym zadkem před zavřenou kavárnou a nic mi nedává smysl

v hlavě mi zní vypsaná fixa a myslim na to jaký by bylo tě teď obejmout

včely už šly spát a omladina teprv vstává a já mam pocit že je mi osmdesát dva a je půl před půlnocí

a možná nad tim moc přemýšlim ale nejradši bych byla teď s tebou a objala tě a zachumlala se do tebe jako kočka v čerstvě ustlaný posteli

miluju vůni čerstvě posekaný trávy a když se vzbudíš tak akorát a ty ve mně vyvoláváš dost podobný pocity

a možná nad tim moc přemýšlim ale já bych za tebou šla až na konec světa a šla bych kvůli tobě i na techna a to znamená fakt dost když to řikam zrovna já

a bojim se že jsem na tebe až moc ale vim že ty jsi pro mě tak akorát a bojim se toho svym způsobem hlavně toho že mi ublížíš nebo já tobě a to by bylo horší

a možná nad tim jenom moc přemýšlim ale je mi s tebou strašně dobře a strašně doufam že tobě se mnou taky a strašně si přeju aby to moje doufání nebylo strašně špatný

a možná jsme oba fakt rozbitý ale třeba můžem být rozbitý spolu a třeba bychom si to udělali fakt hezký

ale možná nad tim fakt jenom moc přemýšlim

[lonelytimelady]

160722

i have a fear that i am unlovable. not because i wouldn’t be good enough but because i’m too good to be loved. i need so much love and i’m afraid that noone can give me the amount of love that i need. i’m broken into pieces and every person that tries to pick them up cuts themselves on the shards. i don’t want to hurt anyone anymore just because i’m sick. and i don’t think i deserve to be. i don’t think that i deserve the pain that i go through every day. i think i deserve to be happy and i think i deserve to be confident. my body is beautiful and my mind even more so. i deserve to live through the bad days and to enjoy the good days. i am capable of giving myself the love i need. it doesn’t matter if i fall down because i can always pick myself up again. i don’t have to be afraid anymore. i have myself and that’s all i need.

[lonelytimelady]

120722

i tend to romanticize my life a bit.

i love when it rains on warm summer days

i make myself ginger lemonade for a sore throat even though i know it’s pointless

i love hugs and i crave physical affection

i love sitting on the balcony with friends laughing our eyes out over stupid little jokes and i enjoy being alone yet i get so lonely at times

i love running through lavender patches inhaling the lovely smell

my favorite color is pink and i adore the feeling you get when you step into a pool for the first time

i’m ticklish and i make the funniest little noise after i sneeze

i like the smell of gas stations and summer night air

i love long night drives through the city with no idea where i’m going

i guess i’m just a wandering romantic with flowers in her hair and a lingering sense of love toward forehead kisses

[lonelytimelady]

i just want to rip my head off thats all

[lonelytimelady]

MY TEETH ARE YELLOW HELLO WORLD WOULD YOU LIKE THEM BETTER IF THEY WERE WHITE LIKE YOURS

[lonelytimelady]

tired

i’m tired

every day is the same

every day is the same

every day is the same

how do i get out

?

[lonelytimelady]

i can’t just let it go

YOU’VE RUINED MY CHILDHOOD

and i’m glad we have good relationships now

BUT YOU’VE RUINED MY CHILDHOOD

MY PUBERTY, MY TEEN YEARS

THE TIME THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE PRIMETIME OF MY LIFE

and i can’t just let that go

i wake up from devastating, frightening nightmares

it’s always the same

I JUST WANT TO BE FREE FROM THE TRAUMA

it creeps up at times when i expect it the least

it ruins the nice things

all the nice things

to be honest

to stop living would be

the easiest way out.

of this fucking loophole of suffering that NEVER FUCKING ENDS

[lonelytimelady]

grief

it’s gonna be 3 years in a few days and i still miss you the same

i don’t even know what to say

just that i love you

and that not a day goes by without my heart aching for you

i wish we had more time together

i wish i could’ve helped

you’ve gone away so quick - too fast

i wish i could hold you

and pet your soft fur one more time

i wish i could hear your purrs

the ones you used to heal me

and even though we never spoke the same language

noone’s ever had so much love for me

i just wish that we’ll meet again, someday

i’m so sorry that we didn’t get to say goodbye.

[coqillage]

[lonelytimelady]

when we fall asleep

i come to you in my dreams

i come for advice

it’s always the same: you come up to me

and i’m surprised that you’d even talk to me

when in real life you decided that

i don’t exist

and you’re always so kind

- very different from how you usually acted in front of me -

and you’re so understanding

and you listen

in my dreams i come to you for advice

we spend hours sitting at shore, talking, and

watching the sea - and i don’t even know which sea and

when i wake up

i never remember what we talk about

i never even remember what i asked you about in the first place

i just know that when we fall asleep

it’s a whole different world

a world where i actually have someone

to talk with for hours

about nothing

[lonelytimelady]

since no one reads this imma share some secrets i wish i could scream out loud till my voice dies:

I don’t want to tell my therapist that i got raped because i’m scared that he’ll say it was my fault. I don’t want to lose him, he’s finally a good one.

I will never forgive myself that i didn’t say goodbye to my best friend before she passed away.

I’m afraid that you don’t love me, that you only love the idyllic idea of me.

I wish i’d get flowers as a love gift one day. Why do all the girls get flowers? I never got a single one.

I’m terrified of life getting back to normal.

Since my cat died in my lap i don’t really see the point in living, because everyone i love leaves one day and i can’t do anything about it.

I feel bad about moving out and leaving mom.

I can’t help comparing myself to that girl. How could i stop? I will never be as hot.

I miss when people thought my body type was pretty and not just skin&bones and i miss when society wasn’t obsessed with huge butts and hips.

I don’t have any friends anymore. I feel so alone. Everywhere i go i feel like an alien, like i don’t belong.

I wish could eat normally again.

What if i don’t get in and i’ll never be a therapist? What if i fail my biggest dream and all the people that said they believed in me?

Why is life so cruel all the time? Why did you have to leave so soon? Why can’t noone replace the bond we had?

When will my life get livable? Trying is getting really tiring.