pretty is to come

Just a blog full of thoughts and rants.

[long-lost-me]

Well haven't thought of this blog in a while tbh. I'm feeling a lot better and I've spent years working on healing. I'm so proud of myself. I'm not there yet or perfect but I'm so so much better now. I'm even shocked at myself.

Turned 29 yesterday and I'm actually happy. Not with my life fully but are we ever? I feel content enough and just have the "normal" stress of life and I have learned to cope so much better.

Also 11 years since you left aunty's. I think you'd be proud of me. It still hurts and I miss you so much. I love you xxx

[long-lost-me]

Why the fuck do i keep putting myself in situations where i know im gonna fucking kill my heart. Im a stupid self sabotaging bitch

[secret-mind]

If you need someone to talk to, mesage me

[perfectquote]

“Some people feel like they don’t deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past.”

— Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild

[ipessimist1]

All this thinking, and for what? Nothing.

[mosscaller]

[tullipsink]

why do i feel like i am so hard to love

[lostdeepindarkthoughts]

[telemachea]

~m.

[long-lost-me]

I'm so so close to done. I don't have the energy anymore. My life is becoming nothing.

[long-lost-me]

So i work in the mental health care ironic iguess. And i don't get triggered by clients with cuts fresh or healed anymore. I think somewhere in my brain i managed to shut that part of the trigger off when its at work? So proud of myself there.

But my colleages were talking and said "you know i heard that it can turn into an addiction" and i didnt say anything but i wanted to say yeah its fucking addicting. Even years after you started no matter how long ago it is it still lingers.it can fade greatly but ive heard it always lingers even just a little bit.

And not having any blades in my house helped me through a few weeks. But today my housemates were making cutting jokes and shit that did trigger me im already stressed and feeling like shit and that just kinda pushed me over the edge. I was at the shops staring at the pencil sharpners for what felt like forever. I didnt buy them but ik took all my strength to walk away.

Always fun being called a sensitive bitch when i tell them to not joke like that 🥲

[sadallthedamntime-blog]

[long-lost-me]

When youre in a logical mood and throw away nearly anything that can properly hurt you likes blades pencil sharpners and even razors cause id rather not shave than have anything here i can cut myself with atm cause the urges have been coming stronger and more frequently again... but now im in the mindset to hate logical me.

And i hate that i hate logical me but i just need to sh atm. But hey thanks logical me.

[beautifuldarkmind]

I’m jealous of those who can function like a normal human being. They don’t have anxiety holding them back from everything, they don’t struggle to get out of bed or have to put on an act that everything is fine when its not. They don’t struggle to hold friendships and relationships… they don’t feel sad for no fucking reason everyday. Those that can hold jobs and work towards their dreams, the ones who have self esteem and see the beauty in themselves. Those that know what its like to feel safe and secure, not insecure and fearful of it all. 

[long-lost-me]

I feel so fucking pathetic. All the people around me are getting into relationships. And my best friend too and im happy for her i am but i cried when she told me. Im so jealous i want love. I feel so fucking lonely like no one will love me. And i know thats my problem aswel im emotionally unavailable and i dont really look for anyone anymore also cause theres nowhere to look atm.

Anyway im pathetic cause im so lonely that i cant be 100% happy for my friend atm and that makes me feel guilty

[long-lost-me]

Felt the urge to cut. Feel so alone all my friends are dating or getting into relationships and i want to be happy for them and i am.... but at the same time im so jealous it hurts. I feel worthless like im not good enough or not pretty enough. Besides that im so fucking stressed and it all got a little too much today. But i didnt cut. I stared at my blades for an hour it felt like. But i went to smoke and them binged on food. Its better than cutting? I guess but still not healthy. 2021 is ending great.

[wecopewithourptsdwithmemes]