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my journey from mediocrity to greatness

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Bali Quiet

I’m writing this as I look out to the rice paddies of Ubud from Podok Tropical, my homestay in Bali. It’s unbelievably tranquil here. The beauty of it comes from the local communities just living their daily routines – farmers shooing ducks, little girls playing on the roads and roosters calling. Everyone seems content, eliciting the kind of peace that I hope to emulate in my personal life.

Traveling alone has always been something I’ve wanted to do, but was afraid to. What would I learn about myself when left alone with my thoughts and bearings? Would I discover what my purpose is along with my true personality? It sounds so cliché, but I guess clichés exist for a reason – everyone at some point wonders about this, even if they don’t vocalize it. For me, it’s been ongoing and I’m not quite sure when the answers will surface.

I finally pushed myself to take the leap and extend my trip in Bali by 5 days after my friends left (with the generosity, kindness, love and help from my Simon). I chose Ubud as my base because I read that it was a unique town focused on well-being, health and spirituality.

Given my tumultuous last few months, I craved a place that would help me along the path of self-discovery in hopes of returning home with a clearer head on my shoulders, ready to take on the complex task of mapping out my life plans.

Now that I’m here in Bali, what I’m eager to do is really understand my own person. I feel like I’ve almost been ignorant when it comes to my character. The dichotomy of who I am alone and who I am around others is as contrasted as night and day sometimes, which ultimately leads to a tension that is at times overwhelmingly stressful. Some peace and quiet for the next few days will be a great start for me to settle my mind.

[lookfeeltouch]

[lettersto-savemyself]

I’m sorry for all the times that I wasn’t enough.

“10 Word Poem" series - #104 (via lettersto-savemyself)

[uhmeliamay-deactivated20150305]

If you expect nothing from anybody, you’re never disappointed.

Sylvia Plath (via uhmeliamay)

[nevver]

Heartbreak

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i feel this.

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Tired

I'm tired. 

I'm tired of talking to people.

I'm tired of holding my tongue.

I'm tired of watching my feelings.

I'm tired of being patient.

I'm tired of misinterpretations.

I'm tired of insecurities.

I'm tired of school loans.

I'm tired of credit card debt.

I'm tired of money.

I'm tired of my slowing metabolism.

I'm tired of comparing my body to others.

I'm tired of not thinking I'm good enough.

I'm tired of thinking I'm better than others.

I'm tired of my muffin top.

I'm tired of wanting to change myself.

I'm tired of you.

[lookfeeltouch]

today is the day I have everything. but I remember the day I had nothing. and that's what keeps me. honest. faithful. kind. afraid.

[nevver]

Peanuts

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Just a sec...

[nevver]

Buh-bye (larger)

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An Introvert's guide to social situations (because we are always trying to exit a conversation, or at least pause it).

I always do polite hinting. I think I will try vanishing next time, because rudeness is never OK. How can you get mad at someone who vanishes? How can you get mad at thin air?

[nevver]

Daily Routines of Famous Creatives (larger)

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Fascinating. It just proves that sleep + food and leisure are conducive to wonderful creative work, not day jobs and admin work. But, how'd they pay their school loans? Support their family? Eat steak for dinner?

Once I figure that all out (which I will) I will write and paint and take photos and invent to inspire, motivate myself and others for the rest of my life.

[nevver]

We should not be upset that others hide the truth from us, when we hide it so often from ourselves.

La Rochefoucauld (via nevver)

[lookfeeltouch]

What have you done?

I often feel like I haven't done much in my 25 years. I overlook the seemingly small details that have bigger meanings.  So what do I do to feel powerful? Relevant? How can I matter, and strive to matter even more? Reflect on the things I have done - big or small. This is a great exercise when feelings of insignificance strike.

What have I done?

I shared my tater tots with my drooling friends (once....or twice..)

I made the decision to euthanize my cat Waffles because she was hurting

I spent all my pennies on a gift for my brother that he'd never buy for himself (which he made me return in the end)

I slept on the hospital floor next to my grandma's bed so she'd be less scared

I baked a cake to welcome a friend home from her short weekend away

I listened to a homeless man's troubled rant at 4am because no one else would care

I buy my dad's monthly gym membership so he can stay healthy and have something to do

I think and plan every day how I'm going to make people's lives better

Of course, it's not about what I've done, and what I think about, and what I plan to do. As we all know, the past is the past, and by no means controls the future. What has been done is done. Thoughts and plans are empty without action. But it's good foundation as motivation for what's next. I know what I've done in the past. So, what am I going to do now?

[deshommesetdeschatons]

[lookfeeltouch]

Can I has one?

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Change

The idea of change always fascinates me. In a single word, you can incite two polar opposite reactions. For some people, change is frightening. It's a negative disruption that removes you from your day to day routine. It takes you away from what you are familiar with. For others, change is exciting. It's a chance to experience something new, break out of your environment and learn, grow, and be. It keeps life interesting. Whether you welcome change or despise it, change is necessary. We always resist change, even if it's for the better. Even when a situation is detrimental to our well being. Even when we know better. I am always trying to make changes, though sometimes it comes easier than others. For me, it's not enough to just accept change. I have to be proactive and seek it. It's my strategy to ensure I stay passionate about life, and improve as a person for not only myself, but for those I love. I used to be a wild child. I used to be irresponsible. Immature in my decisions. And an overall mess. I seemingly had my shit together on the surface, but my personal life was like a poorly executed reality show full of drama, unnecessary heartbreak, and a never-ending flow of tears, bordering on self proclaimed depression. In a way, I enjoyed the agony. The sadness. The woe is me mentality. I stayed in it way too long. Why? Because change is hard. I was used to chaos. Unhappiness. Even if it made sense to remove myself from it and change my lifestyle, I always sling shotted myself back into the black hole of self destructive behavior. Logically I knew I had to leave. Evolve. But emotionally I was trapped. It takes so much will power and courage to acknowledge that there is something about your life that needs renovation. But once you admit it, you're already half way there. The last 50% is the hardest. But persistence, perseverance is key. I fucked up more than 100 times before I was able to escape and proudly declare that I was no longer hurting myself, abusing myself mentally (and physically if I think about how many times I drank myself to black out nation). Big or small, make your statement of change to better yourself, and stick with it. Sear it into your mind. Whether it's changing your spending habits to save up for a big vacation, or changing your mindset and outlook on life so you can help those around you, every change can be monumental. I give so much thought about this because now that I've nearly achieved my biggest change, what am I looking for next? What else can be different so that I can be a more positive force in this world? Everyone should think about this every day. There is never a limit on self improvement. And change is at the root of it all.

[this-is-my-renaissance-blog]

[lookfeeltouch]

We just have to remind ourselves sometimes.

[nevver]

Design Crush

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“Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone”

Pablo Picasso